It was probably wishful thinking on Ian's part, believing that he and Lloyd wouldn't get found out. If he's honest with himself it isn't really something he gave much thought to. He didn't want that; he wanted it untainted. So they never spoke about Lloyd's marriage, the fact that Jimmy is Fiona's boyfriend. They never spoke about Ian's age and the implications that come with it.
It was all so easy, though. Not just the sex but the sort of friendship they had. Ian, well, since Lip and Mandy have shacked up he kind of feels like he's lost both of his best friends. Not completely, they're still there, but not enough to understand. And maybe they wouldn't have anyway; they're straight.
But Lloyd is like Ian. When it comes down to it he is like Ian and he does understand. And Ian needed that. And when he tells Lip and Fiona "he's nice" he doesn't think they get it. The looks on their faces scream confusion and disgust. Lip doesn't get that Mickey isn't nice, he's a harsh reality. A reminder of how fucking shit being gay can be. How it can leave you terrified and living a lie and completely cut off from anything you may feel because feelings makes things messy, they make you irrational.
Lloyd had never pretended to not like Ian, not how Mickey does sometimes. He'd never claimed that it was just sex and that that was all Ian was good for. He'd never called him a warm mouth. He'd been glad to hang out with Ian. Fucking pleased even if they didn't have sex. Which, in retrospect, Ian recognises makes the whole situation seem even worse.
But what Lip doesn't get and Fiona doesn't get, even fucking Jimmy, Mandy - what they don't get, even though they should, is how much people need that sometimes. How much Ian needs that; how much harder it is to find when you're not nice and normal and straight. And whilst the way Mickey will look at him sometimes or smile and laugh with him makes Ian ache with how good it feels, it isn't enough. Because Mickey is scared, so damn scared, and fear makes things messy, makes you irrational. It makes Mickey push him until he's right on the edge of something awful and then pull him back in, over and over again.
And so Lloyd's sweet gestures and kind, flirtatious words couldn't even compete with what Mickey does, how it makes him feel, but at least he didn't have to work for it. At least he knew with certainty that he was going to get that: unashamed displays of affection.
Because maybe Ian needs Mickey a little, but he isn't like Lloyd. Lloyd was nice.
God, what even is this? It's so short and kind of shitty, but when Ian said "he's nice" my heart wept because being gay is hard, damn it, and even though Ian's never really expressed any dislike towards his sexuality, I feel like his actions speak for him. Not like how Mickey's does but the fact that he fucks married men and sticks with a guy who often treats him like shit, well, that all speaks volumes to me. (I don't even know if he's Ned or Lloyd, so confused)
This is also posted on my ao3 account, same username. Anyway, read and review :)