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(non)existence
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There's always that crushing feeling of loneliness waiting for her.
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She doesn't notice it at first. She believes the whispers of the Organization — that she's "special" and that's why she's alone, that's why she has no friends, that's why she doesn't have anyone or anything to protect her, to care for her.
But there are other whispers at the back of her head, whispers that tell her it's something else.
Naminé ignores these thoughts and continues to draw with her crayons.
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The first time she draws the trio of Sora, Kairi, and Riku, she is proud of the drawing, and she hangs it up on the wall.
She continues to draw everyday, but soon there's something nagging her every time she sees the drawing.
It's because you're alone.
Naminé shakes these thoughts away and creates the memories for the Riku Replica.
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The replica is in love with her. She spends several days with it-no, him, just talking and smiling and laughing. Naminé is told that she cannot feel anything as a Nobody, but there is definitely something in her chest when she spends time with the replica, and after all, she's special, isn't she?
But then Marluxia snatches him away to fight the real Riku.
Naminé has never felt lonely before, because she's never had anyone taken away from her, never had anyone be there for her, and then just be gone the next moment. She asks herself what's real and what's not, because this crushing feeling of bitter, empty loneliness is very real. Naminé feels it everyday, staring at that drawing of Sora and his friends, a devastating sense of longing.
Marluxia asks her to "reprogram" the replica with new memories, as if he was a doll, a machine, a tool.
Naminé chokes down her silly (nonexistent) feelings and gets to work.
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The next trio she draws is Roxas, Axel, and Xion.
She wants to draw Xion before she goes away, before she disappears, and she thinks she's doing Xion and herself a favor, by keeping her in something that'll last for a while, even if memories are never truly gone.
Naminé loves Roxas. He was everything Sora was and wasn't, with spiky blond locks, electric blue eyes. He was perfect. She'd only glimpsed him a few times outside the mansion, but she'd fallen crazy in something for the teen. The blonde was thinking about him in the same way she had about Sora, and she'd do anything to have him.
She tries to tell herself she's not insane.
She's not terribly fond of Axel, but he had always been rather nice compared to the others when she was at Castle Oblivion. He is still an essential member of the trio.
But Xion was different. To Naminé, she was competition. She was competition between Roxas and her. Was. Naminé feels guilt for having told her the fate she was doomed to, and Xion had accepted it. So no matter if Xion was competition or not for Roxas, she deserved a place among friends. Naminé almost always feels a twinge of something around her chest when she thinks of that word.
She knows she's only had two true friends: one was sleeping the days away, while the other was fighting a battle for dominance against darkness in his own body.
So Naminé looks at the drawing bitterly sometimes, but it's such a nice drawing, and the only one of Xion too, so she needs to keep it, she can't rip it up into a million pieces like her (nonexistent) heart tells her too.
She sighs.
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She draws the last trio only a few days after the Xion's demise.
It's a tall, dark spiky haired brunette, with a Roxas lookalike, and a tall blue haired maiden. Naminé was about to draw Sora again, but something moved her hand to draw Terra, (woah, where did that name come from?), and then the Roxas-ven lookalike, and then the aqua haired maiden.
Naminé isn't exactly sure who these people are, but she knows that she's never met them, (she's met very few people in her life) and yet something tells her she has.
But as soon as the tries hanging up the drawing with the other two trios, she knows something is wrong. She sits in front of the three drawings, feeling that dulled feeling of loneliness creep up on her again, trying to think of what could possibly be wrong.
This trio hasn't been, Naminé tries to think of a proper word, complete for a long time.
So she takes the drawing down, because it doesn't fit in, it's not right, but she doesn't know what to do with it after. And so Naminé rips the drawing up. It's not meaningful to her, as she tears it up with little to no feeling, but there was something about that drawing that was different.
DiZ enters the room and tells her roughly to reprogram Roxas, just as she had with the replica.
Naminé looks down at the table and starts to work.
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note: another lonely fic for naminé.
1/14/19: updated to iron out some kinks. leave a review?