Truths
Jared

Disclaimer:
All the characters belong to CLAMP and are only borrowed for the fanfic.

Dedication:
I dedicate this fic to Zenin, for inspiring me to write this story (thanks a lot ^_^), and to Maxie- wishing you all the best in your college games. Things aren't always what they seem. ^_^

"You have failed us, Syaoran. You failed the Final Judgement because you were not strong enough. You will have to practise doubly hard to atone for your failure."

Those words keep ringing in my mind. They were exactly what I would expect from Mother- cold, sharp, and based simply on the facts which she saw before her. Maybe that's why I never could bring myself to tell her anything- she never saw the truth, nor gave the facts a chance to display themselves to her- all she saw was what was obviously clean facts in front of her, never the entire picture.

What a laugh- unwittingly, I too have fallen into that trap- assuming that what I saw was the entire picture. Maybe there's a whole lot more to what happened at the Final Judgement than I know. Just because I am unaware of the rest of the story doesn't mean it doesn't exist. The truth sure is hard to find- whoever said that the truth would come to light eventually has no idea what he's talking about- the truth is what you want to make of it. How can there be one truth if people all have different perspectives? Just like how Mother may never see the truth, or at least, the way things happened to me that night, because we are two different entities who will never share the same view.

I wish I could tell her the truth as I saw it. To tell her that whilst my love for Sakura had, no doubt, made it much easier for me to accept her as the Mistress of the Clow Cards, it had nothing to do with how I fared against Yue that moonlit night. What I found out then was enough to crush me, and all the hopes, dreams, and whatever shards of confidence that I had managed to hold onto all my life. For it was then that I was cruelly told by the cards themselves that it was not meant to be, and that it was then that I truly understood Clow's words to me.

Unlike Sakura, I never possessed the gift of prophetic dreams. Yet one night, while I was meditating, Clow Reed spoke to me. Back then, I wasn't even sure if it was really him, or whether it was just a figment of my imagination. After all, Clow has been dead for a long time, and why would he choose to talk to me of all people? I was pretty convinced that it was just my imagination, that it wasn't Clow who was talking to me, but something about that voice made me wary- Clow or not, that voice evidently expected his instructions to be obeyed, and something about that voice made me doubt the wisdom in simply ignoring it.

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FLASHBACK
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There will come a Time when you will discover an ability that you never imagined possible.

// Wha? Who are you?" //

I am Clow Reed. Heed my words, Li Syaoran. You must never tell anyone of this ability, or you will face the wrath of the cards.

// Wait! What do you mean? //

The Time will come when all will be revealed.

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END FLASHBACK
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The time did come, of course, when I discovered this ability that he was telling me of. I'm not too sure if it was a gift or a curse, for while it granted me immense power, it too led to my heartache.

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FLASHBACK
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The Time card flew towards me, and I reached out to catch it. Just as I touched it, I felt warmth travelling up my arm as its power radiated through me.

You have done well. Few have been able to break through the Time rifts that I create. A gruff voice sounded in my head.

I stared at the card in my hand. I wrote my name on the card to ensure that it would not break free again, my heart pounding wildly. // Could this be what Clow Reed was telling me about? //

// Are you the Time Card? //

Is your name Li Syaoran?

// Yes... but what... //

Then the fit that answer to your question.

// But how? // Clow's words filtered through my mind. No wonder he emphasized the word Time.

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END FLASHBACK
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The Time card was probably the gruffest of all the cards I had. The Storm card was belligerent, but rather nice once it began to warm up to me. The Freeze card was probably my favourite card to talk to- it's voice sounded like tinkling bells, and it had a strangely quiet voice for a creature with such a destructive nature. But the card that I'd probably remember the most would be the Rain Card. For when I caught it, it spoke to me, almost timidly. If it's all right with you, I'd rather go to Sakura. Your magic is strong, and you did seal my power, but Sakura has my best friend- the Cloud Card... The plea in its voice could clearly be heard. I would have given it to her, anyway, since she deserved it- few in her condition would have come out; it's the least I could do.

Slowly, I began to discover something that I had never imagined possible- I had learnt of a trick that I had never let on- pleading with the cards and calling upon them did not require a sealing staff nor any other device- all that was needed was for one to speak and communicate with the cards, to get them to activate. The staff and my sword were merely devices that helped to convey the message that we wanted to get across to them, and ultimately, it was the cards who held the power whether or not to obey.

My friendship with the cards I possessed grew steadily with the passing days, as did my pride in my ever increasing deck. We began to speak more frequently. They taught me more about the other cards than any books could. I suppose, being part of the deck and used to each other, they knew all too well of the moods of each of the cards. Storm and Freeze were my main allies- they helped me earn the trust of all the wary cards that bore my name- and they told me that I could call upon their power without using my sword. Freeze helped me stay above the snow when we were capturing the Snow. Yet even they did not let on what they knew, and it hurt so much that not even they, those entities of which I had deemed as my friends, were willing to give me the slightest hint of what was to happen to cushion the fall a little. They simply dropped the bombshell on me quite suddenly on that fateful night where all that I held dear was wrestled from me.

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FLASHBACK
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I was frozen in my tracks, by the Time card- the very first card that I had caught. I would have thought that the Time card would be the most loyal to me- after all, I had seen Sakura perform near miracles with the Windy, her first card as well. // Why did you rebound on me? // I asked Time, almost urgently. // This is not the time to be temperamental! I could lose the Final Judgement! //

You cannot lose what you never were meant to have. Time's voice boomed inside my mind. I was stunned. What did he mean by me not able to lose something which I never had? Did he mean... could it be? That I was never destined to be the Master of the Clow cards? That I was doomed for failure from the start? No, it can't be! Why else would I be able to capture the cards?

// Please, help me, one of you! // I begged the remaining cards in my possession with all my might. I had since tried several tricks with them, and asking them nicely if they would lend me their assistance had always helped. Not this time.

I am sorry. Those three simple words echoed in my head. All of them- each and every one of them- repeated the same three, hurtful words. I am sorry- what use are those words to me? I don't want them to be sorry! I just wanted them to help me, to help me pass the Final Judgement.

Much as I would like you to be my Master, I cannot disobey Clow- sama's orders. I heard the Storm apologise. So I never had a chance with the cards- they had been told in advance who their true master would be- I was simply a temporary.

// Why? //

That mere word was the only think I could think of. Why did you abandon me? Why don't you help me? Why? One word carried so much meaning.

Because Clow- sama told us that our Mistress after him would be one they call Sakura. The answer came simply. The cards were really innocent and obedient creatures- getting them to rebel and ignore orders were next to impossible.

I felt Yue's blow connect with my shoulder, was aware that I was falling- it was then that I let out a cry of anguish- all the pain I felt from the betrayal of the cards' decision not to help me broke loose as my scream pierced the night. It was game over for me.

* * * * *

When I returned to my apartment after the Final Judgement, I felt sore, bitter. What was it that the Storm was trying to tell me? My mind was restless, thoughts were swirling around inside like gigantic whirlpool. I had no idea what I did wrong, or why I didn't deserve to own those cards. What I did to deserve to have them taken away from me. My mind was a whirl, everything didn't add up. I tried to block out all those unhappy thoughts the best I could- yet I could not help but recall how I used to talk to those cards, bade them good night, the things we could do together as we tried their powers, and mine, to the limit. That will never again happen- for I had lost them, for good this time. For the first time since I left home, I wept.

Somehow, I managed to fall asleep. My dreams were haunted by the way the cards were taken from me- I relived that moment of betrayal over and over again. // Why? // That single question could not be answered, at least not quite yet. Perhaps it would have had been best if I had never gotten my answer.

I was practising again, but my heart was not in it. I'm sure Wei could tell. What was the use of practising? The cards now belonged to Sakura- they had good as told me that- out of loyalty for their previous master, those cards chose to leave me. And that hurt like nothing else.

As I settled down on the floor, I tried to cleanse my mind of all the thoughts that filled it. I squeezed my eyes shut, and began to relax after a while, even forgetting about my fiasco with the cards- all that mattered was to keep breathing deeply, and freeing my mind. Meditation always managed to soothe me, somehow. Not this time, though. Clow begrudged me the opportunity to feel free for even a while. He entered my thoughts as he had before.

Syaoran...

// What? // My eyes flew open of their own accord.

Do not be alarmed. I have come to answer your questions.

Bitterness coursed through me like a tidal wave. // If you never meant for me to take your place, why did you allow me to even keep some of the cards for even a while? Why didn't you just instruct the cards to simply go to Sakura? // I was angry then, angrier than I've ever been. I was such a fool, to have let myself become a mere pawn in his games. How could he even do this to me?

I had no choice. I rolled my eyes at the glib answer. Sakura, and Sakura alone would be able to get Yue's loyalty. However, she is still not quite strong enough to capture all the cards on her own. The cards will not be content belonging to someone who was not deserving of their power. You were chosen to take care of them temporarily till Sakura had gained enough power to be responsible for them. Besides, she has Yue to help her now- something that she did not use to have.

It was simple- Clow had never intended for me to be the successor of the Clow Cards. It had always been Sakura whom he had intended. I had just butted in unknowingly, to help her capture the cards that she would not be able to control or seal on her own, and that the cards had come to me because they felt that Sakura was not ready and deserving enough then of their power. I was merely a surrogate master, to hold onto them to make sure they did not wreck havoc until Sakura was ready to claim them at the final judgement.

// So I was just a pawn in your twisted plan! // Logic would have told me that confronting him was not the smartest thing to do- but I was beyond logic now. It was just too much knowing that I had been manipulated by someone whom I had revered. I waited for an answer to that accusation. Finally, the answer came, but it was not quite what I had expected.

I am sorry. Those same accursed words that my friends had uttered before they left. Tears threatened to spill out of my eyes at the memory. Finally, he left. At least, I think he did, for I no longer heard from him after that.

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It's weird, really, how easily the truth can be easily twisted and mangled- the truth is what you make of it. Life is never as simple as it seems- nothing is ever pure black and white, but simply varying shades of grey. They have no idea of what really happened that night, the way it happened to me. Yet they judge me and my performance based on what they knew- how it hurts, so very much. To face other's disappointment because they do not understand, to be blamed for something which is not the truth... I'm not sure I can live through it.

Since I have chosen to let Sakura have all the cards, I am prepared for this, but this doesn't make the pain any less, it doesn't make it any easier to bear. Not given a chance to explain matters is the worse thing in the world... or is it?

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FLASHBACK
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Promise us that you'll never betray us. Storm begged. No matter what happens, you'll always keep our little secret.

// Storm, what's going on? Why are you bringing this up all of a sudden? // It didn't make the slightest sense- all we had been talking about was how Sakura was getting stronger with each card she captured. What caused Storm to think of this?

Promise us- that no matter what happens, you'd never tell.

// Storm... what is going on? // I was more than confused now.

Promise us, please. I could hear Storm sniffle a little, and the sound made my heart wrench.

// All right, all right. I promise that I'll never tell anyone that I can communicate with you as long as I live. Come what may, I'll keep the secret... always. //

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END FLASHBACK
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// I'll keep our secret... always. //