"Dammit Jack!"
The silver tray rattled as Ianto slammed it onto the table, mugs sloshing their liquid contents onto the shiny surface.
"I am NOT having a hard time getting over her." The young man continued to shout. "I'm going through the normal mourning anyone would have. I went through everything that day!"
Ianto took a pause to breathe heavily through his nose trying to calm himself.
It was early in the morning; Jack had woken up from a nightmare of a memory to find Ianto working. The young man had found a strange weather pattern, Jack had found a rose petal on his desk, and there was that nightmare. Jack was nervous. A nice cup of coffee and a chat with Ianto had been on the agenda. Jack messed up though; he asked how Ianto was coping in an entirely idiotic way.
"When I saw what she had done, when I saw Dr. Tanizaki's body, I denied that she could have done it." He said with a quiet yet firm voice, his eyes closed tight, his body stiff and shoulders squared.
"There was no way Lisa did it, not on purpose; it must have been an accident. I denied that she went from being Lisa to being a cyberman in the span of minutes while I had kept her alive for months. I denied that all of my planning and my hope was ruined and gone. I denied it because I wasn't there for her when she changed. I denied it."
Jack moved closer to the young man. He was about to reach out and touch Ianto's shoulder when the Welshman spun around and, with fire in his eyes, began shouting at him again.
"I was angry at you!" Ianto pointed his finger at Jack's chest and went on with his tirade. "I was angry at everyone! I was angry at myself!" Ianto's voice cracked and Jack stepped forward to take the struggling man into his arms.
Ianto fought it at first but the second Jack had his strong arms wrapped around him, he melted into the embrace and let his forehead fall to Jack's shoulder.
"Why did she have to kill him?" He said with such sorrow Jack began to feel his heart ache. "Why did you all have to come back early and interrupt our progress? Why did I leave her alone with him? I was so mad. I couldn't think clearly, I just wanted to be angry at the world, at Torchwood, at YOU!"
Ianto pulled his head back and looked at Jack with tearful eyes. He began again in a soft and defeated voice, "I hated you so much" He buried his head in Jack's neck while the immortal man began to stroke the back of his head. "It was displacement; I only hated you because you're the head of Torchwood. Even though Torchwood 3 is not Torchwood 1, I still felt as though you deserved my anger." He paused to gulp in some air.
"More than anything I hated myself for getting to her too late during the battle, for not asking for help when Lisa was still in that metal body, for not even seeing what happened as a possibility and for getting those people killed." Jack began to rub soothing circles on Ianto's back and found himself fighting back the prickling of tears forming in his own eyes. He could relate to anyone grieving all too well.
"I thought I could bargain with her when I went back down. I thought I could get her to fight her cyberman conversion. I thought I could compromise with her and get her to let us help her "upgrade" but we would actually begin to remove the technology. I thought it would work if I could just talk to her. I wanted it to work so badly. Then I saw what she had done and I knew it would never work. I knew she was gone."
Ianto pulled away from Jack and very slowly made his way to the setee as he continued to speak.
"I've been depressed since I saw her body lying lifeless in that room. I'm just barely holding on and moving forward day by day. I used to work long hours so I had a reason to be here at all times but now I do it because it helps. I just feel so horrible all the time. It's eating at me every day. Every time I stop what I'm doing all I can think about is how she's gone. Every time I stop talking, it's all I can think about. I miss her so much."
He sat heavily on the setee and stared straight, not really seeing anything. Jack moved towards him and knelt on one knee in front of the young man. He placed his hands on Ianto's knees and gazed at him with concern and a silent pleading to let him help. Ianto looked at him and said with a deep rooted tiredness, "So, while I appreciate your concern sir, I just need time before I can move on."
"Ianto, I…" Jack didn't quite know how to say what he was thinking. No matter how many times you comfort someone, no matter how many times you face grief, you always feel as though your words are hollow. He didn't know how to say he was there for him. Ianto knew though, he always knew.
The young man reached his hand out and gripped Jack's shoulder, gently rubbing his thumb against the soft, warm skin of the older man's neck; feeling the beginnings of goose bumps forming under his touch. He looked deeply into Jack's eyes, "I know Jack." He sighed heavily and gave a wan smile, "I know."
He felt Jack begin to pull away. Ianto moved his other hand to grab at Jacks' and hold him there. He gripped the hand in his possession tightly and pleaded with his eyes for the older man to understand exactly what he was trying to say, "I just need time." Slowly the words were spoken and slowly Ianto saw Jack understand the meaning behind them.
Jack smiled softly and nodded his assent. He stood and let Ianto's hands drop from him. Bending forward Jack pressed a kiss to Ianto's forehead. He didn't know what else to do or say, so he left Ianto alone with his thoughts and headed to his office to bury himself in work. Thinking about the look Ianto gave him a few moments ago lifted Jack's spirits; perhaps things would get brighter around here sooner than he expected. Well, he could hope.