Face Down
"Hey, girl, you know you drive me crazy
One look puts the rhythm in my hand
Still I'll never understand why you hang around
I see what's going down"
With one last quick look around her apartment, Stella heads to the door, half hoping Mac would be in the hall waiting for her. But he isn't; in the moment she needs him the most, he has let her down.
Before getting out of the elevator, she wipes away the single tear that had managed to escape. Unsure where she is going to go to, she heads to the doors. A hand on her arm stops her, and she quickly turns to see who is touching her, expecting it to be Frankie.
"Why don't you stay with me for a while?" Mac asks, reaching out to comfort her.
"I… thanks," she manages a small smile of appreciation and lets him take her bag. "Were you planning to wait there all night?"
"Figured I'd give you fifteen minutes before coming to get you."
"Guess I'm not such a big girl."
"You're still strong and independent, Stella. I'd be worried if you didn't have… a hard time dealing with what you went through."
"Do you think it's possible that I could… come back to work in a couple days instead of a week?"
"It's possible," he begins, "but I won't allow you to. We've already discussed this. I know you can still do your job, Stella, but you need the time off to take care of yourself."
"Sitting around isn't going to do me any good, Mac. It'll just give me more time to think about him. The only day you took off when Claire died was the day of her funeral."
"And it took me four years to move on. I don't want you to go through that as well. Take the time now to care for yourself," Mac orders.
Stella sighs, "I'll do it, but I still don't like it."
"Cover up with makeup in the mirror
Tell yourself it's never going to happen again
You cry alone and then he swears he loves you"
"You can have my room," Mac leads her down the hall into a bedroom. "You can use the TV; whatever you find in the kitchen you can eat. Towels are under the sink if you want to shower. I'll get you some extra blankets in case you get cold. Want anything to eat or drink?"
She shakes her head. "I'm going to take a quick shower before trying to sleep."
"I'll be in the other room if you need anything."
Stella closes the bathroom door and turns the water on. As she steps in, the memories come back, and she leans against the wall to steady herself, cold water running down her back. For the first time since it happened, she lets all the tears out.
"Stel, you okay in there?" he asks from outside the door seemingly minutes later.
"I'm fine."
"You've been in there for almost half an hour; just making sure you didn't drown."
She turns the water off, "Give me a minute to dress."
Mac stands outside the door waiting to brush his teeth, wondering whether she would be wearing the same thing she had worn for Frankie before she found the website. To his disappointment, she comes out in pajama pants and a tank top. "Uh… do you have a toothbrush? I've got an extra if you need it."
She looks at him for a second before saying, "No, I don't."
"Here," he hands her the new one.
"That's okay. I'll probably get up in the middle of the night and find something to eat."
"As long as you promise not to go to your apartment, I'll take the subway to work and leave you my keys. You can go buy whatever you need."
"My credit cards and stuff are all in my apartment."
"Tomorrow morning I'll go to your place and bring you some stuff back and your car. Whatever else you might need you can go out and get."
"Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you, my friend, one day this world's going to end
As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found"
Frankie points the gun at her and pulls the trigger. The bullet hits her in the heart, and blood gushes out as he watches with a smile. "If only you could speak and tell Mac what I did to you."
Stella immediately awakens and finds herself covered in sweat. She gets out of the bed, thankful she left the lamp on, and heads to the kitchen. The clock on the oven reads one-fifty as she heats up a mug of water in the microwave and looks in the cupboard for tea bags she knows he still has from when she'd stay with him after Claire died. As she waits, she can feel her body shaking.
"Cold?" Mac asks from behind her.
She jumps a foot in the air and turns around. "More like scared."
"Me too. You really had me worried when we found you. I thought you were dead."
"I might not be emotionally stable, but physically I'm perfectly fine," she hugs him, staying there until the microwave goes off.
"I don't know what I'd do without you, Stella," he keeps an arm around her as she rests her head on his chest. "Having nightmares?"
"Yeah. Think Hawkes would prescribe me sleeping pills, the kind that you don't have dreams with?"
"I don't see why not. But for now, why don't I stay with you until you fall back asleep?"
"Mac, I appreciate all this, but aren't you the one who has to go to work in the morning? You need sleep more than I do."
He smiles, "I'm supposed to be the one taking care of you, not the other way around."
Stella climbs back under the covers, Mac sitting beside her. "Good night."
"Night, Stel. Sweet dreams." Tired, he falls asleep while waiting for her to do so.
"A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect
Every action in this world will bear a consequence
If you wade around forever, you will surely drown
I see what's going down"
Mac walks out of his closet, fitting a tie around his neck, not noticing Stella staring at him.
"You think you can wear a tie today just because I won't be at work?" she smirks.
"I wasn't expecting you to be up this early on your day off," he looks up at her, still fiddling with the tie.
"Let me do it," she holds out a hand. Sighing, he lets her, and in no time it is around his neck. "Forget how to tie it?"
"No. I have a meeting with Gerard after shift. I'll pick something up on the way home, and maybe you could get a movie or something while you're out. Around one I'll call and see how you're doing," he touches her shoulder.
"You took the remains of my phone in as evidence."
"See what I can do about getting you a new one," he tosses one of his to her. "Use that for today."
"Thanks. See you tonight."
"Enjoy your day off."
Finding no use in going back to sleep, Stella wanders into the kitchen, discovering coffee and the most fattening doughnuts the bakery down the street had. Mac knows how to cheer a girl up, she thinks, taking a bite out of a chocolate-covered cream-filled doughnut and pouring a cup of coffee. While she eats breakfast, she looks through the newspaper. Catching a glimpse of her name, she suddenly become interested; there is a small article about her attack.
She takes another shower, this time using shampoo and soap, and dresses in jeans and a short-sleeved blue sweater. On her way out, she grabs her purse, the keys, and Mac's cell phone. The rest of her morning is spent buying things she needs for her stay at Mac's before she has some fun picking out new clothes.
"I see the way you go and say you're right again
Say you're right again
Heed my lecture"
As Stella puts her shopping bags in the back of her car, Mac's phone rings. "Hey."
"How are you feeling?" he asks.
"Right now I'm fine."
"What are you doing?"
"Shopping therapy."
"Eat lunch yet?"
"No."
"Care to join me?" Mac inquires.
"Sure, but I can't let you pay for all my meals today."
"Stel, don't worry about that. You probably just spent your last couple pay checks while shopping."
She sighs, "One argument I'll let you win."
"How about we go to that little Greek restaurant you like so much?"
"You're volunteering to go there? Normally you complain when I take you because you can't understand anything."
"But I like the food."
"Meet you there in half an hour?"
"See you then," he hangs up.
Stella smiles to herself; Mac always had to have her translate the menu for him. She closes the back door of her car, somewhat expecting Frankie to be there stalking her, and gets in the front seat.
Thirty-eight minutes later she parks her car behind his, not too far from the restaurant. He is waiting by the door for her. "Sorry, traffic's awful."
"No problem. Have fun shopping?"
"What I don't get is how the stores can be so crowded on a work day."
"Tourists. Let's go inside."
"Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you, my friend, one day this world's going to end
As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found"
"Stella, what happened to you?" the owner, whom Stella was friendly with, asks worriedly, glancing at Mac like he's to blame. Mac removes his hand from her back.
"I was… attacked by my boyfriend."
Again she glances at Mac. "I hope you broke up with him."
"That's kind of why he did it. Anyway, it's a long story, and I'd prefer not to talk about it right now." The owner gives her a hug. "Can we sit down? Mac has to get back to work. I'll tell you about it after we eat."
"Sure. I haven't seen you two in here in a while."
"Mac doesn't like having to ask for help in reading the menu," Stella smirks at him, sitting down.
"Whatever Stella orders me is always good though," Mac compliments.
"You need to find yourself a Greek man."
"But I'm also half Italian."
"Italian men can't be trusted; Greeks can be," she gives them menus and leaves to let them decide.
Stella can see this to be true after being with Frankie, although she has never dated a Greek man.
"But Romeo was faithful to Juliet while Odysseus wasn't faithful to Penelope," Mac points out.
She frowns, "The goddesses he met were using their powers to seduce him. Plus, he hadn't seen his wife in twenty years or something like that."
"Romeo was so in love with Juliet that he committed suicide when he thought she was dead."
"Mac, Frankie was Italian."
"Sorry," he touches her hand.
"It's fine."
"Hawkes called in the prescription for you. I can pick it up on the way home."
"Tell him I said thanks."
"Will do. Just order me what you're getting."
"Face down in the dirt, she said,
"This doesn't hurt," she said,
"I finally had enough""
"Which one are we watching?" Stella plops down on the couch with her bowl of popcorn.
"We just ate. How can you be hungry?" he asks, taking a handful and sitting next to her.
"Hey, you stole my popcorn!" she hits him.
On the screen, a woman screams before her head is cut off. Stella looks down at the bowl in her lap before putting it on the table in front of her.
He smiles to himself, kind of wishing she would get scared and hold on to him. Unfortunately, the movie just disgusts her instead of scaring her over the next hour. However, she falls asleep leaning against him soon after.
Mac unconsciously wraps his arm around her, pulling her closer. By the end of the movie, he too has fallen asleep.
Stella, who had not anticipated falling asleep yet, had not taken her medicine. A nightmare wakes her, and she is surprised to find Mac beside her, asleep. Then she realizes they are on the couch. Carefully she stands, stretching, then looks back down at him.
"Mac," she shakes his shoulder.
He blinks up at her, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing. I just thought it wouldn't be very comfortable to sleep like that."
"Oh. Thanks. Are you going to bed?"
"Yeah."
"Wake me if you need anything."
"Night," Stella closes the bedroom door.
"See you in the morning."
"Face down in the dirt, she said,
"This doesn't hurt," she said,
"I finally had enough""
"No. No, let go of me," Stella yells.
Mac rushes into the room and reaches to wake her. She starts clawing at him to get free, continuing to yell. "Stel, it's me. You're safe."
Slowly she settles and opens her eyes. "I…"
He shakes his head, "Don't worry about it."
"I… you're bleeding," she sits up and examines his cheek. "I'm sorry, Mac."
"It's nothing," he turns to look at it in the mirror. Exiting the room, he leaves her confused.
She follows him, attempting to apologize again. "I didn't -"
"I know you didn't mean to, Stella. Here," he hands her a pill and a glass of water. "I think you forgot to take it earlier."
"Thanks. Now let me clean up your scratch."
"I've got it. You go back to sleep."
"Can… Do you mind… I feel safer…" she can't figure out how to ask.
"Sure. I'll be in in a second."
"You're a good friend, Mac." She touches his uninjured cheek before going back to bed.
When he walks in five minutes later, he can't tell if she's asleep yet or not. Her eyes open when he sits beside her. "Sorry."
"I wasn't sleeping." Stella rolls onto her side. "Why don't you just sleep in here with me?"
"If you don't have a problem with it."
"It's not like anything's going to happen between us."
Mac is somewhat disappointed to here this but knows she isn't up to a relationship right now. "Sweet dreams."
"Hopefully no dreams. Good night."
"One day she will tell you that she has had enough
It's coming around again"
Mac finds Stella lying on the floor of her apartment. "Stel," he tries to wake her. There is no response from her. He checks her neck for a pulse but can't find it. "Stella, wake up," he is almost crying. "No, you can't be gone too."
Mac wakes with a start, breathing heavily. Remembering the dream, he looks around for Stella; he is greatly relieved to see her chest rise and fall.
As he lies back down, the covers beside him stir. "What's the matter?" a sleepy voice mumbles, scooting closer to him.
"Nothing. I just… had a dream… a bad one."
"I'm okay, Mac."
"I know you are," he wraps an arm around her waist as she rests her head on his chest.
"Maybe we shouldn't have watched the scary movie," Stella closes her eyes again. Silence overcomes the room, and he begins to think she's asleep again. "I keep thinking about what could have happened differently. He didn't have to die, but I chose to shoot."
"Stella… that could have been you we found dead. If we had gotten there before something happened to either of you, he would never hear the end of it from me. There is so much I would say to him for hurting you."
"You would have done more than talk to him, Mac."
"He deserved to go through what I could have done to him. What he did to you was unacceptable, and I'd refuse to let him get away with just prison time."
She lifts her head to look at him, "You would have risked getting fired for me?"
"Yes. Real men don't have the strength to hit a woman."
"Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you, my friend, one day this world's going to end
As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found"
Stella stands in front of her door, trying to get the courage to open it. "I can't stay here any more. It's not home."
"I understand. We'll find you a new place, get new furniture. Until that's done, you can stay with me," Mac offers, moving closer to comfort her.
"You've done too -"
He places a finger on her lips. "Stel, you're special to me. As you say, we're partners; we look out for one another."
"I can never repay you for all this."
"I'll refuse anything you try to do to pay me back; don't even try to. I'm just doing my job as a friend."
"You're the best friend I've ever had," she smiles, touching his cheek softly.
"Stel, you have to go in," he pushes gently.
"I know."
"Take my hands; I won't let him hurt you."
Her hands shake as she reaches out for his, "What happened to the new Mac?"
"Hm?"
"The old Mac returned after all these years."
"I'm still Mac, Stella."
"But you're not as closed off as you were when… she was killed."
"Maybe I'm ready to move on," Mac gives her an encouraging smile. "Come on; you can do this."
"On three?"
"One."
"Two."
"Three," they say in unison, opening the door.
She makes it through her apartment until she sees the faint pink stain of blood on the carpet in her bedroom. There she cries in his arms.
"Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you, my friend, one day this world's going to end
As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found"
"How was work today?" Mac asks, handing her a Coke.
"All right," she isn't much in the mood to talk with him after what he said earlier.
"I didn't mean for your first case to involve domestic violence. I knew that if I tried to take you off the case, you'd fight me. Hopefully I made the right choice."
"I'm okay. It was just hard… her not accepting that I knew what she went through."
"Something's bothering you."
"I'd rather not discuss it."
"Stella," he warns.
"I don't agree with what you said to her."
He takes a deep breath, "I didn't intend for you to hear that."
"Then you need to look around you, Mac. You said it twice, once to my face."
"I can't travel back in time, Stella; as much as I want to, I can't take it back. I'm sorry I said it."
Stella looks away from him. "I think there's… there's something wrong with me. I had… no problem pulling the trigger and shooting him; I felt nothing. I knew him, I kissed him, I… dated him for almost a year, yet it felt like he was some stranger when I shot him."
"All you could think of was getting out alive; he was in your way of doing so, therefore you had to shoot. And what you saw of him that night wasn't anything like what you've seen before. It was like he really was someone you didn't know. You're not a killer, Stel; you felt pain and regret and sadness after he was down. Murderers don't feel anything after they kill," Mac opens his arms to her, letting her decide to forgive him or not.
She accepts, tears quickly making wet patches on the shoulder of his shirt. "But I was glad he was dead."
He can barely make out her words, "You were just glad to be alive." As time passes, her body stops shaking, and he is positive she has cried herself to sleep. "I love you, Stel," he whispers, kissing the top of her head.
"I love you too, Mac," she mumbles into his shoulder.
He pulls back, "I thought you were asleep."
"Almost."
"It's true."
"I can't remember you ever telling a lie."
"Do you want to… go out with me sometime? Like on a date? I mean, after you've healed," he asks nervously.
"I'd love to." The biggest smile since before the attack spreads across her face, making him smile back.
"Face down in the dirt, she said,
"This doesn't hurt," she said,
"I finally had enough""
A/N: I hope you liked this one. I'm not sure when I'll post my next fic, but it'll probably be Sunday or Monday. If you're interested, it'll be either When Nobody Died or My Best Friend. I've been busy with band. We had our first contest show painting session last night. It was raining, so we only painted like two formations. But for the one, I was standing in a puddle so my dot kind of disappeared. Actually, today it was a faint red blob because the paint was left behind when the water evaporated. Hopefully it doesn't rain next week because we have to paint everyday but Friday. We need to start learning the parade too, well more practicing it than learning it since you just keep marching forward. Shoot, my squad will probably be in the front row since we're the first flute squad. That means I won't have anyone to look off of to make sure I'm on the right foot. Darn. Enough about band... I need to keep reading. I have ninety more pages to go in My Antonia and three days to finish it. And then I get to start To Kill a Mockingbird. Well... I'll post for you guys soon. Thanks for reading and please review too.