Dear Diary of Doom and Dread,
When I woke up this morning, I noticed that Nagini was nowhere to be found, so I got out of bed, put on my midnight blue bedroom slippers and shuffle out to go search for her. On my way out I noticed that a bit of paint was peeling from my bedroom door, so I went back into my sunflower bright room and opened my desk drawer. I took out my To-Do list and wrote: 'repaint bedroom door' on it right beneath 'crucio Avery for failing to tail Aurors and chasing pretty witches instead'.
The list I stuck on my newly repaired mirror (which instantly cracked with a whimper once it reflected my image) where I couldn't miss it even if I forgot my contact lenses. Speaking of which, I cannot believe I suffer the same problem as my nemesis, the Brat Who Lives Despite my Attempts to Murder Him, to my secret humiliation. I have terrible vision, but it's not as if I'm about to buy glasses.
I'd be the laughing stock of the Wizarding World and forever known as the Dark Lord Who Wore Glasses. Besides, glasses are for the underprivileged and unfortunate sods who do not possess my charisma and genius. Hence, the contact lenses, which I Summoned from some hapless Muggle in Little Hangleton that I then killed and fed to Nagini.
I then made my bed with a swipe of my wand (the black-bear-fur-cover straightened itself out perfectly, I'm an old hat at housekeeping charms). By then, I had a Death Eater meeting to attend to that I'd be very late for if I didn't hurry. I cannot stand those meetings; they're as boring as Dumbledore. I dashed into the toilet to throw on my most impressive black robes (they're charmed to exude menace), and took another look around for Nagini.
It's a rather annoying fact that one cannot yell in Parseltongue. Trying to do so would only result in strained vocal chords. So I hissed about like the Hogwarts Express throughout my lair, feeling like a first rate fool until I found her. She was eating marshmallows in the kitchen cupboard. It took a capital amount of coaxing and a most undesirable amount of threatening to turn her into a pair of snake skin boots to get her out, and then we glided together to the meeting room.
It was horribly boring. I nearly nodded off. I hate meetings, because I always end up killing off at least one of my followers, which is absolutely infuriating. Do not even get me started on my scheme to possess the Elder Wand. Between you and I, I only want the Wand so that I can practise my sky graffiti when the opportunity presents itself. I tell you Morsmordrewas a work of art. Sky graffiti is terrifically fun, and almost makes me feel like I have a soul again. Sadly, I can't express my joy because I must remain angsty and dramatic at all times.
Speaking of which, it's rather annoying to be referred to as the 'Dark Lord'. I don't like hand-me-down titles. I mean, everyone knows that was Sauron's title from Lord of the Rings. (Best movie ever!) I quit like Voldemort though. It means Theft of Death in French. No one can get scarier than that. Though, it is rather obscure. How exactly does one go about stealing death? What does it look like? A hooded figure with an overlarge sceptre? A decrepit old man? A winged shadow?
And how would I steal it? Put it in a bag? A box?
And who would I steal it from? Who owns death? Not I, yet in any case.
But I digress. When the meeting was finally older and Nagini was digesting the latest Death Eater who'd defied my wishes, I resisted the urge to sing out of pure relief. Instead, I levitated a dozing Nagini to my shoulders and sauntered to my rooms, pretending I was a zookeeper in a Reptile Museum.
Once in my private quarters, I changed into my silken tracksuit and trainers, did some yoga to remove stiffness, and reflected. It is rather strange how everyone becomes absolutely terrified the slower and more hissy my voice is. They believe I do it on purpose but I merely happen to be trying to come up with something else to say.
After yoga, I had a nice lunch of celery boats and cream cheese and an energy shake. Then I had a jog. (I need to watch my figure!) Nagini came with me, only she slithered, because she has no legs, being a snake.
After this, I settled in for some Celestina Warbeck on the Wizarding Wireless, and I crooned along. Before I decided to become a Dark Lord, I toyed with the idea of becoming a singer. I do have the most entrancing voice. Nagini settled on my lap, and that was the end of my day. Until next time….