©Lexiter Jackson 2003
Somewhere I Belong
Wednesday 26/3/03
Diary Entry 2
Well, I'm writing to you a lot earlier then I expected.
Here's the reason why: I Feel Like Shit.
I want to cry. Oh dear Hyne do I want to cry so damn badly it hurts. I'm in mental and emotional pain. All I feel is defeat and despair.
I really badly want to cut myself again, just as a release from the despair, if only for a little while. I guess I'm a little suicidal as well, but I'll never do that.
I'll give you one damn good reason why: Seifer.
It sounds cruel that it isn't Quissy, or Zell or Rinoa etc etc, although they keep me going in their own little ways, but Seifer keeps me alive. I just love him that much.
That's why I just wanted to slap Rin so hard tonight. She made Seifer cry. I don't think she meant to, at least I hope she didn't, that she just wasn't thinking about what she'd said, but that's beside the point. She hurt Seifer. Of course, he only cried after everyone left, but...
I wish I could hold him forever so that he wouldn't ever get hurt again.
Hyne, there I go with the lovesick crap again. I'll never get Seifer, so I may as well get over it. Trouble is, I can't get him out of my head. He's always there, watching my every move, even when he's out of my company which is rare these days.
Damn, he's straight! The only damn person of the same sex that I fall in fucking love with and he's fucking straight.
I know I'll never ever love anyone like I do Seifer. It...is just so deep.
Dammit, I sound like one of those unrequited love stories. Y'know, where the hero(ine) gets his/her boy/girl at the end, happy ever after?
Only I'm the bad guy who falls in love with the prisoner only to find that they love somebody else, and they don't know about the pain they cause.
Don't ever get the impression I'm angry with Seifer. No way in Hell can I be angry at him. No fucking chance. I'm mad at myself, because I can't get over him.
Y'know, I've just realised. I flirt with Seifer so badly, but it's like he doesn't realise I'm there.
Oh jeez. I just feel so so shit. Oh great, now I'm talking like Rin. Oh fuck, crying too? Wow, life just gets better all the time.
I just want to cut myself so damn badly. Seifer did, one time not long after he'd come back, but that didn't matter to me. What mattered to me was the fact that he'd thought he'd let me down. No Fucking Way. Not A Chance. Hyne how I just want to hold him until the tears stop.
Lovesick fucking puppy.
Fuck. I'm swearing again. Naughty naughty. Heh, potty mouth.
At least I can still laugh at myself, although it sounds bitter and cynical. Heh, kinda like me, then.
I want to cut myself. Do you know, that actually works? Mental pain transfers into physical pain, which fades, leaving you feeling empty which is far better then anger or despair. The feeling you get when that blade breaks the skin is one of almost satisfaction, and that is what I want.
No I don't, I want release. Release from this pain, these pains.
Heh, I'm starting to scare myself now. I sound suicidal, don't I? Perhaps I am. Fuck. No, I'm not. C'mon, there's light in this tunnel somewhere. Yeah, so I love Seifer, and I haven't a hope in Hades of getting him because he doesn't like me that way, but so what? We're still friends, and bloody good ones at that. Yeah, Rinny can be a right little bitch at times, but she's been a good friend to me since the whole Sorceress thing. It's the same with the whole Orphanage Gang.
And look at my parents, all three of them. Alright, my dad's a little...well, weird, but I can't say that he doesn't love me. And Matron...where do I start? She's just amazing.
Heh, that's Selphie talking there. I guess when I'm this depressed I don't want to hear cheerful things. So shut up, Selphie.
Oh dear. I really sound like a case, don't I? Good thing no-one will be reading this. I hope.
All my walls have gone up, even the old ones. Not just the ones I've built since Ultimicia. I still get nightmares from that.
I feel so lonely, and I don't mean like I'm the only one in the dorm. I just feel so fucking lonely and I feel like it's eating my soul up, and I'm nothing but an empty shell. I'm crying again. Me, cry? Dammit.
Damn, why do I have to be so articulate on paper? I could never tell anyone this, I'd loose the words, or I'd freak out whoever I was talking to.
I'm bottling everything up again, building a wall to hold it all. I always do. Keep it in so nobody notices how miserable I feel, so I can help others.
I guess I should really get rid of all this anger. My depression stems from anger, I know. And then I get so angry that it turns into despair.
That's the worst part. I can handle angry, because it blots out the depression and loneliness. Despair drags me down, makes me hate everyone and everything around me for no reason. Wait, I know why. It's because I'm jealous, that they'll never feel quite as bad as me.
Everyone's seen the face I put on. I laugh, I joke, I'm happy.
All false, all a damned fucking lie. I'm not fucking happy, can't you see that? No, course not. I don't let you see it, that's why. I'm not fucking strong enough to face the music and actually admit that I've got problems just like every other human being on this Hyne-forsaken planet. That's it, man, turn all the anger to yourself. Perhaps then you won't get angry at everyone else. Then maybe you won't hurt anyone. Hah.
Why me!! Why the fuck me? Of all people, why me? Why the fuck must I suffer? No matter how many times people tell me that I'm not really alone, that others feel exactly like me, I feel so – fucking – lonely. I feel like shit.
Compliments sound like insults, or like people are pitying me when I know damn well that they're not. How can they, when they don't even know how I feel?
Do you know me, world? I mean, truely, not the face I look through? The lie I tell every time someone asks me how I am? How I want to find some hole, curl up in it and disappear?
Help me, someone, is what I'm crying every time I smile. Stop the pain, I'll scream when I laugh. Notice me, when I play the fool.
Please, stop crying, Seifer. You hurt me when you cry, but you're so beautiful.
I'm just a lost child again. A lost child in a twenty year old's body. This isn't me. It can't be. This sort of thing doesn't happen. Where the fuck is my happily ever after?
Anyway, Seifer's coming back soon. Better get the lies ready and put the face up again. Best pretend I'm alright again. I'm broken, my spirit's crushed with the weight of all this anger and despair, but hey, that's what carpets are for, hmm?
Hyne I hate myself.