"Don't leave."
Two words. Nine letters.
That's all it would have taken, all it would have taken to convince him to stay, stay here in South Side with me, but I was such a coward even when Ian basically spoonfed him an opportunity, he couldn't do it. Mandy was right, I'm a fucking pussy. Damn straight.
Thank whatever fucking God is up there that Terry and Svetlana were both out screwing around town because I've never cried so hard in my fucking life. Not even when mom died.
I don't even care how Mandy knows the shit I've been up to, but she knows and the thing she's pissed about is me being a pussy, not being a fag. Fucking figures.
He was gone. Even if I wanted to say something, the critical moment had passed when I couldn't get my fucking vocal cords to utter out two fucking words.
It had been almost an hour since he'd gone and I still hadn't moved. I just sat there staring at the fucking wall like some lobotomized crazy. I didn't even notice when she came in for the second time. She didn't say anything, just sat down next to me and tossed a small wallet photo onto my lap.
"I found it when I was going through some shit in the kitchen looking for dad's tabs." She fidgeted a little bit on the bed and bit her lip thoughtfully, trying to get a rise out of me. At this point, I doubted anything could break me out of my coma, but I looked down and fucking lost it. It was a shitty little wallet size of Ian and me from when we were on little league together, before Frank and Terry got into it and we both got kicked out. He had that same smug-ass grin he always did. Even at 9, Gallagher was a little asshole. It took everything I could muster not to lose it, I had to change the topic.
Even with that in mind, my eyes were getting a bit wet and my voice sounded like I was in the middle of a fucking sinusitis episode, "How did you know?", I asked, I wanted to know how she'd figured me out. Had Terry told her? Svetlana? Ian? No, Ian wouldn't, he's too much of nice guy.
She shrugged and put her hand on my knee, reached up to her mouth and spit her gum into a loose wrapper before attempting to toss it into the garbage. "The wedding. Everyone else was too stoned or hammered to notice, but when Lip came to get Ian, Ian blurted it out."
My heart dropped. Gallagher….how could he? Why? Who the fuck am I kidding? I'm the fucking asshole who married the chick my dad hired to fuck the faggot out of me. I couldn't manage any words so I just nodded weakly.
She looked down at her feet. "How long were you guys…?"
Together I finished in my head before thinking. I'd have never said that in person, or to anyone at all, even him. Fuck I'd told him to fuck off more times than I could count. I know I threatened to cut his tongue out at least 4 times. In hindsight it'd have probably been better to rotate the threats a bit more. There's no point in hiding it now, Mandy knows, she might as well know it all. "Since the time he came over to take back that gun, but like really since I got out of juvie the time before last." I couldn't deal. I let a few tears fall before snorting back the snot again.
We sat in silence together for a few minutes and in all honesty, I'd never felt closer to her. Mandy had always given marginally more of a shit than Iggy or the other assholes, but she was still a Milkovich. She was fiddling with her nails when she muttered, "Why didn't you tell me?"
My eyes were fucking swollen as shit and I sounded like a fucking underwater frog when I was talking, but I couldn't keep quiet. I chuckled a little, "You make it seem so fucking simple." Making eye contact wasn't a fucking option here. "I have been dealing with this my entire fucking life, so don't fucking trivialize it okay? Don't fucking do that to me, Mand."
"Jeez, what the hell?" She seemed shocked to hear me yelling, I don't fucking get what is so very shocking though.
"What the hell? My life is fucking hell, don't you understand that?!" I was breathing heavily and holding my head in my hands. "You have no idea what it's fucking like."
Another few minutes of silence passed before she worked up the gall to try and talk again.
"Did he tell you?" I muttered, trying to keep my composure as much as fucking possible.
She sighed, "Yeah fuckface, that's why I'm here, Ian told me you were fuck—"
"NO." I screamed, punching the mattress with all my might. I thought I heard a spring break. "Did he fucking tell you why?"
"Why you were fucking?"
I lost it, tears were fucking flowing from every hole, "No…..why I got married. Did he tell you?"
Mandy raised her eyebrow and stared intently at me. I could make out that she was disturbed from my peripherals, but not much else. "No…..Isn't it because Svetlana's pregnant?"
I bit my cheek to stop myself from breaking down right there and then. "She's pregnant because of dad."
Her eyes widened. "Dad fucked her and he made you marry her?"
"NO" I was hyperventilating now, "He fucking caught us. He said he was gonna be out for a few weeks, Ian was here, he came back and fucking caught us."
All she could say was, "Fuck".
"He tried to fucking kill him. I was able to fight him off, but he beat the everloving shit outta me. Pistol-whipped me. I went out for a few seconds, only to wake up to fucking ….." I inhaled deeply, hoping to get out everything I had to say on the next breath. "Fucking Svetlana. He called her to fuck me straight. He made Ian watch. I did it because I knew he'd kill us both on the spot if I didn't. No condom."
She wrapped an arm around me, but I wasn't done. "Mick…"
"He came in a few weeks later, said she was pregnant and I was gonna make a woman out of her…." I laughed painfully, "what a fucking joke."
She sat there silent, still processing what I'd just said. She just kind of reached over and grabbed my hand, like we were on the fucking playground, and held it, just sitting there. "He fucked me too."
I was broken out of my self-induced trance by the words. "The fuck are you talking about?" I turned to her and stared in her eyes, they were as soaked in tears as mine were. Milkoviches don't cry my ass.
She looked down and just leaned up against me, "Back when I was pregnant and everyone thought it was Ian's. It wasn't."
A chill ran down my fucking spine. Your dad is a fucking evil monster. I almost felt a need to defend the asshole when Ian said that at the wedding, but no fucking longer.
"He raped us fucking both."
I was sure I'd heard someone refer to the Milkoviches as damaged goods once, boy they were fucking right. We just sat here leaning up against each other. Felt a lot like how when we were kids I'd take her down to the fucking skeezy playground down the road and sit with her when Terry was drunk and taking it out on mom. Earlier today, I didn't think I'd survive when Ian didn't respond because I couldn't fucking say what I was thinking, that I ….I fucking l…, Fuck. I'm a fucking asshole, but at least with Mandy here I can last, I can endure. We're like fucking cockroaches. Nuclear holocaust, the ones fucking ruling the world will be the Milkoviches. Four years. I can make it four years. We can make it four years, but first, Terry needs to have an accident and get some fucking payback. That's for another day though. For now, it's just me and Mand in my room staring at that same fucking ugly ass orange paint for hours.