This is just me blowing off some long pent-up steam revolving around my sister and so many other people ranting about Edward Cullen's "OMG LIKE TOTAL HAWTNESS!111!"

But seriously, no Twilight characters will be in this.

Rated T for disturbing mental images regarding Team Edward and their scariness.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist or the atrocity that is known as Twilight.

Twatlight

Edward huffed in vexation as he stomped down the street, glaring at his boots. That was the last time him and Al would ever go in a mission with Major Armstrong! It was bad enough that the man constantly ranted about the VARIOUS THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS! That, Ed could handle. What Ed couldn't deal with was the man giving him a bone-crushing bear hug after their target had nearly dealt Ed in, delivering a serious blow to his automail arm.

That was why he was walking a tad bit lopsidedly now, with one arm hanging limp. And that was why he was also covered in Armstrong's sparkles.

Cursing Truth for damning him to this fate of nonstop annoyances, Ed tried once more to brush off some of Armstrong's sparkles, but to no avail. Joy. He'd have to shower when he got back to the dorms, and on top of everything else he also had to dread Winry killing him again for breaking his automail for the umpteenth time! Oh well, he'd worry about that when he got to it. For now he just needed to find Al.

After turning a corner, Ed didn't notice the many glances being shot his way. In fact, he didn't notice anything at all until several bubbly, high-pitched giggles broke out, breaking his train of thought. The giggles were coming from a group of girls standing on the corner he had just passed. Why wouldn't they stop staring at him...?

The irascible alchemist stopped walking and shot the girls a withering look. "If you've got something to say, spit it out. Staring at someone like that is just too creepy."

One of the girls, a tall, curly haired ginger, stepped forward. "So, you must be Edward...I'd recognize those eyes anywhere..."

What the heck? Ed gave her an incredulous look, but then another of her friends, this one a stocky brunette, spoke up. "It's true, he does sparkle in the sun!"

The other girls in the group started murmuring as well, and Edward caught just a few snippets of what they were saying.

"Didn't know he was blond..."

"Wonder if his eyes will change color..."

"His voice is so glorious..."

So focused was he that he hardly noticed the ginger strutting toward him, her chest poofed out like a bird. "So, Edward..." she sighed contentedly, and gazed up at Ed with an unusual look in her eyes. Ed knew he recognized what that emotion was, but he couldn't place his finger on it... "Do I smell wonderful to you?"

"Uh..." Ed backed away from the girls several steps, his eyes widening and his automatil arm swinging wildly as he backed off the curb and onto the street. He knew what that look was now. It reminded him of a certain busty Homunculi.

It was unadulterated lust. Directed at him.

Crap.

Ed's breath hitched out of pure terror. Under his breath, he began cursing in every single language he knew. Those girls were undressing him with his eyes, imagining him indulging in their perverse fantasies! He couldn't back away fast enough, they were upon him, crapcrapcrap-

"I knew Team Edward was the best!" groaned the brunette as she sidled up to Ed, placing a hand on Edward's flesh shoulder and digging her fingernails in. Ed whimpered as his panic level shot sky high.

"Back off, Claudia, he's mine!" one of the other girls from the group, this one a lanky blond with what suspiciously looked like saliva to Edward dripping out of mouth, slapped the brunette away and placed her two hands on Edward's face. Hands were everywhere, clawing at him, even ripping at his clothes, and Ed kicked out of reflex at someone whose hands were getting a little too close to certain areas. "I'm going to be his immortal bride, not you or Bella or anyone else!"

Immortal bride? What drug is this girl on? "What do you think I am, a Homunculus?" Ed murmured, and his voice sounded far too high-pitched for his liking. He needed to get out, now, ASAP...

"Oh, go back to Team Jacob, Molly!" the ginger hissed, and she bodily hurled the blond off Ed. Meanwhile, Ed was coming to a horrible realization as the girls' hands snaked their way around him: alchemy was no match for the power of female hormones, and these girls' endocrine systems were working overtime as they freaking eye-raped him!"

"Eddi-kins, I need to read you my 'My Immortal' songfic dedicated to your delicious bod!"

"Edward, darling, the books never said you owned a pocketwatch!"

"You skin feels so warm...wait a moment..."

Finally, Edward gained the sense to yell out, "RAPE! THESE PSYCHOTIC ANIMALS ARE RAPING ME WITH THEIR EYES! AL! ARMSTRONG! SOMBOOODY!"

"Brother?" Al's disembodied voice broke through the haze of doom surrounding Ed.

Edward had never been so relived to hear dear Alphonse's voice in his entire life, not even after their failed transmutation. "Al!" Those girls were smothering his face with their hair, so Ed couldn't catch a single glimpse of his savior. "AL! OVER HERE!"

"Brother? Where are - What are you doing to him? Get off!"

Then Al was hurling, punching, and punting the mongrels off his brother and pulled Edward to his feet. Ed clutched to Alphonse's arm like it was the only thing anchoring him to life. "Al, we need to get out of here! These perverted nut jobs think I'm a Homunculus or something!"

Al gasped but said no words as he scooped up Ed and sprinted with him towards Central Command. Ed sighed in relief, but then that relief was obliterated when he noticed something else as he glanced over Al's shoulder.

There were more girls joining the others!

Ed swore again. "Al! Run faster! There's growing in numbers!"

"What are they, Brother?" Al questioned, protective fury lacing his voice. "And why were they trying to...to...um..."

"I THINK GROPE'S THE WORD YOU'RE LOOKING FOR, AL!" Ed shrieked in terror once again, his voice rising to its usual furious tone. He wasn't mad at Al, by no means, it was just the stress of this whole situation getting to him. He could hear them now, they were so close!

"I told you...Chelsea...he's my beautiful vampire, not yours!"

Vampire?

"I...huff...didn't know he'd be so...short!" wheezed one daring teenager.

It was a testament to how frightened Ed was that he didn't rant. Heck, he didn't even think of a rant in his head. It was all just a haze.

"Al..." Ed muttered while Al kept running. Ed never thought he'd be grateful for Al's lack of lungs, but this situation was full of surprises. "If we die, I just want you to know that I love you, little brother."

Al marveled briefly at Ed bestowing him with that rare title, the one he only used when other words failed him. Ed really thought they wouldn't make it, then... "I love you too, Brother."

Ed closed his eyes, preparing himself...

But then Al's joyous voice broke through the fog once more. "I can see Central Command!"

Riza Hawkeye flipped the page of her novel as she finished off the last of her lunch in the office. It was a dreary book, but she hade decided to finish what she had started. Honestly, why all those teenage girls were obsessed with this book, she would never-

The double doors banged open, and every officer inside jumped up in surprise as two blurs, one gray and shiny, the other red and glittery, crashed into the room. "Fullmetal!" Mustang shouted once he recognized the duo. "What do you think you're..."

The Colonel halted mid-upbraiding as he took in Edward's appearance. His cloak was tattered, his hair was undone and absolutely messy, he was stinking of sweat and blood, and his automail arm hung limp. The worst, however, were his eyes, which were wide with pure fright as he gawked at the book cover of Hawkeye's novel. "Fullmetal, what happened?"

Ed did not respond, too occupied reading that book jacket. He only finished the words, "First, Edward was a vampire," before he snatched the book from Hawkeye's grasp and hurled it out the window. "SCREW THAT STEPHANIE MEYER!" he roared with rage, and Al had to restrain his brother from recklessly venturing out into the city, where no doubt that those fans of an entirely different Edward would be waiting.

Ed, still seething, wiped some of Armstrong's sparkles off his sweaty face and flicked them away. Yeah, he was never going on another mission with Armstrong ever again.

So what did you think? Good? Bad? Review, por favor. It's Equivalent Exchange - I write you a story, you write me a review.