Disclaimer: I do not own anything Hetalia-related. It is all the work of Hidekaz Himaruya and further anime adaptations. "El Ingenioso Hidalgo Don Quijote de La Mancha" was written by Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra.

Gender-swapped: How Belarus really ended up with Lithuania à la Don Quixote de La Mancha.

Free adaptation of Chapter XVI of Cervantes's novel.

"Ukraine! Russia must marry me at once! I cannot wait any longer… we must become one, we must!"

Belarus was sitting on her bed with Ukraine at her side. Ukraine was sweating profusely, as she always did in Belarus' presence. Her obsession with Russia had reached a breaking point and Ukraine wanted to cry, feeling silly and useless as always. Belarus had a firm, tight grip on the bed sheets and Ukraine could tell she was ripping them to shreds.

"But Lithuania likes you! Why won't you go out with him instead?" pleaded Ukraine. "He seems nice and has been following you since… forever!" Belarus paid no heed to her words. She was already busying herself with Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment and Tolstoy's Anna Karenina was next. Ukraine also noticed Belarus was stocking up vodka from floor to ceiling. One never knew when Russia would ask for several shots.

After waking up from a refreshing nap, Belarus found herself surrounded by several Pushkin novels, the works of Gogol (which she stole from Ukraine) and Chekhov's short stories and plays. Looking at her treasures, Belarus felt satisfied. Nothing, absolutely nothing would stop her from marrying Russia. Not even Ukraine's pleas and tears stopped her from fashioning a moth-shaped aeroplane, which she affectionately called "Vladi". "From now on" Belarus declared "you will follow me and do as I wish. Russia and I will be together… till the end of time."

Ukraine followed, knowing Belarus was outlandish in nature, but still accepting this was better than listening to her superior complain about Russia's antics.

Belarus and Ukraine finally ended up in Lithuania. Tired and intoxicated, Belarus told Ukraine to leave her alone. She would know exactly where Russia was because it was in her blood, she would say. Watching and shaking her head, disheartened, Ukraine finished securing the now broken Vladi somewhere safe and followed suit. Unbeknownst to Belarus, Ukraine was limping. She had many bruises on her arms and legs, for she wanted to prevent a bigger accident involving Belarus jumping off Vladi in mid-air and shouting a triumphant "VODKAAAA". Grabbing Belarus by the arm, both injured girls found a rickety cottage, a secret spot where the Baltic countries would hide from Russia.

Suddenly, Latvia screamed.

"What on earth is wrong with you, Latvia?" Estonia barked, visibly annoyed. "Russia might hear you and we're dead. Back to his house and he will keep pushing you down!"

Latvia's body trembled, someone was definitely there, but he was having a hard time discerning who it was. "Get Lithuania… someone's there, perhaps Russia has sent them…" Estonia adjusted his glasses and grabbed a lamp. He opened the door, and out there in the cold, he saw both Belarus and Ukraine. As always, Ukraine was crying and Belarus was moody. Yet he knew. Estonia knew something was a little off with Belarus. She kept shouting they couldn't be elsewhere but in Moscow and she would wait… until she felt better and able to scout the territory. Russia could be in St. Petersburg for all she knew.

Estonia felt maybe too reluctant about having to care for the girls several days, but Lithuania was too enamored to care. "Estonia, don't you see? Russia isn't here now and I can flirt with Bela! This is my chance!" Still, Estonia wasn't buying it. "I thought you were going to date Sweden. You'd be a fool to even think of letting her go." Lithuania slowly nodded, sporting a wan smile. "I don't know why you're even bothering with Bela" Latvia said, looking up intently at Lithuania while Belarus still screamed nonsense in the background. "She's delusional" Latvia continued, a serious tone in his voice. "Russia avoids her every time he can and she swears they'll both end up together… remember?"

Feeling more cheerful, Lithuania called Ukraine over for some snacks and tea. Ukraine thought it was better to decline his invitation, seeing she genuinely worried over Belarus' wellbeing… After some deliberation, she finally accepted, closing the door after her and drowning Bela's constant calls, hoping Russia would appear.

They sat around a small wooden table, quietly enjoying their tea, while Ukraine told Lithuania and Estonia how they found their secret location and expressing her worries over Belarus' mental state. "I really do hope Bela will come to her senses though… she's a nice person, after all…" Ukraine offered, a hint of insecurity in her words. Lithuania sighed, sipping more of his tea before it went cold. He looked at Ukraine and smiled, then he held her hand. "Don't you think you'd be better off without her?" To his surprise, Ukraine shook her head. "For some reason, I see Bela has given me some leeway. A part of me admires her courage and tenacity. She may love Russia, in a very unhealthy manner, but she shows him passion like no other. Maybe it's time Russia understands she means well." Lithuania felt the pangs of a deadly migraine, and decided to excuse himself. Ukraine worried, but he told her everything was going to be fine. Despite the nearly blinding pain, he was sure Sweden would be there to make him feel better. He told Estonia to give Ukraine a better set of pillows and save some tea for Belarus. It was nearly midnight, and Lithuania knew Sweden was already waiting.

Sweden was in the farthest room, sitting on the bed, waiting for her lover. "He's already running late" she groaned "he probably has yet another of his migraines". Three rooms down the hall, Bela woke up, and realized she never wanted to sleep again until Russia appeared. She tossed and turned, remorse churning in her insides. Knowing she had already rejected Lithuania so many times, her mind dealt with an excruciating kind of dilemma: to sleep or not to sleep with Lithuania. To kiss or not to kiss Lithuania. Russia, however, was a hundred times more important. Belarus realized she didn't know where she was, but resolved not to second-guess herself. She was indeed in Moscow and Lithuania was always there. Then her thoughts were illuminated. Amid the constant mental white noise, Bela concluded Lithuania was madly in love with her, because Russia was. It was simple: Bela was indeed irresistible, who would say no to her?

Still in pain, Lithuania was walking from the opposite direction of the hallway. Three rooms up, instead of three rooms down, he turned the doorknob and didn't bother to bring his lamp into the room. "My love, I'm finally here—"

Lithuania had no time to finish anything, as Bela grabbed him by the wrist and kissed him, the beast unleashed. "Russia! My darling Russia! I knew you'd come!" she breathed, while Lithuania gasped for air. For several minutes, Bela thought Russia's scarf was missing, and something in her brain switched on… this was Lithuania.

"It doesn't matter, boy toy, you can be mine just for tonight!" Bela raged on as Lithuania struggled to free himself in the dark. "Bela, wait—ow! No! Not my neck, Belaaaaaa!"

"Lithuania, just enjoy yourself… this is only a rehearsal. Russia won't know what's hit him!"

Annoyed with all the ruckus, Sweden barged in, punching Bela in the face… once, twice… several times, while Lithuania took part of the beating as well. "You, douchebag, sleeping with this skank! How am I supposed to trust you now?!" shouted Sweden, leaving her dignity in that pitch black room like the others.

"Owww…" someone moaned. Tiny sobs were heard. "Ukraine?" Lithuania called out in the dark. Luckily, the big-breasted girl didn't get as many punches. "Yes, it's me… Bela's passed out.

"Oww. OWWW. OWWWW…" rang throughout the cottage as Estonia proceeded to beat everyone with his newspaper. "Lithuania, Latvia now has to rekindle the fireplace, just so you won't kill yourselves" he said. "You" he said, looking at Bela "stop being such a round heels and look for another room." Ukraine dragged Bela five rooms up, hoping they'd spend the rest of the night in peace.

Finally, looking at Lithuania, Estonia said: "Next time, you take your pills first, then you can woo anyone you like." Lithuania realized he couldn't move much because of the beating. Sulking, he looked around, noticing Sweden was nowhere to be seen.

FINIS.