Bubblelocks and the three lumpkins
This is pure fucking crack. I made it while I was sipping soda in math class. Enjoy.
Our story begins as many do, taking place in a faraway land known as Townsville forest. A home to many beautiful and loving creatures of what the one above has made. The air is light, the sun is shining, flowers in bloom as happy little animals frolic around them, sniffing and playing happily. We take the time to tell you of a story of a happy family in a little shack deep in the forest.
"GIT OFFA MY PROPRETY!"
Maybe this was not so much a happy family as… Well it was an unusual family.
"Darned storytellers… Thinkin' theys owned it." A large pink furred creature stood on the roof of the porch, an old fashioned shotgun held between his hands or paws as it were. A pair of pink antenna's bobbed on the top of his head with each move he made. His only clothing was an old pair of blue overalls and brown boots covering his furry toes. "Now git outta here fer good!"
This creature is known to some as Fuzzy Lumpkins, a hillbilly who held a strong issue over his property. For this story, he is simply known as Papa Lumpkin.The door to the shack seemed to bang open with a clack as it hit the wall behind it, bits of already rotting wood falling down to the porch. "Fuzzy, darling..." The voice was semi sweet, before it turned to pure venom. "You're making too much noise! I can't concentrate!" The sound not as beautiful as it should have been. Infact it made a sound of nails clawing their way over a chalkboard.
Now we see Papa Lumpkin's mate. A woman he picked that would best serve him and clean, a task she was happy to always do for him as well as raising their family with a smile.
The 'mate' lifted the ladle in her hand, the object pointed dangerously at her 'husband', her black hair flying around wildly. "Dinner is done, you lazy oaf." The woman was clad only in a tight red dress, the fabric stopping just above her knees to show the black fishnet stockings that wrapped around her thin legs. Her skin was a deathly white shade, a contrast against the pinkness of Fuzzy's fur. "Now stop shooting at squirrels and get in the damned house!"
"Don't be tellin' me what ta do, woman!"
For the sake of our story, she is known as Mama Lumpkin. Wife and deathly person with a ladle.
Inside the house, a large brown table had been set up with a set of small candles and three place settings. Mama Lumpkin merly glared at her husband, making her way over to the stove, a boiling pot of something set on the top burner. "Get your ass down here now, son!" She called, the screech possibly heard all over the way to Jump City. There was a faint clatter from the other room, before something or someone slid into the room.
Now Papa Lumpkin and Mama Lumpkin had a son. A wonderful child they had found wandering in the nearby city and adopted him. Illegally... though no social worker ever came to check. Never getting past the papa's screaming weapon and mother's deadly locks.
The 'son's tongue flickered from his mouth, a hissing noise followed by each word he would speak. He was taller then his 'father', skin a light green tint. Definatly different from the two who had raised him. His lips were black, nose slightly larger then normal. He was skinny, clad in brown shorts, a white tank top and black sneakers, with a brown hat resting comfortably over his greasy hair.
Their pride and joy known as Snake, a quiet boy who followed what was told. While muttering underneath his breath about how he was being raised by crazy people who faked love for him. For our story he will be known only as baby Lumpkin or The Boy.
'Mama Lumpkin' set down a bowl of stew, her lips set in a tight frown as she adressed both her adopted son and husband. "Well now that you're both here, we can at least sit down to a nice dinner. Without squirrel in it." She shot Fuzzy a glare, her hair whipping wildly as one tendril shot out to grab hold of the three spoons that laid on the counter.
The boy slowly sat at the table, eyeing the food with a look of both horror and confusion. Stew... what kind of rodent guts happened to be swimming in today's breakfast?
Papa Lumpkin reached for the spoon, staring at it for a moment before dropping it back to the table with a clank. Instead, he grabbed the bowl with both hands-paws, his family watching as he dumped the entire bowl of stew into his mouth. It took a moment, before he choked and spit the watery food back into the bowl, his fur turning to a deep red shade of red "HOT!" His tongue fell from his mouth as he tried to fan it, steam rolling off into the air. "You tryin' ta kill me, woman!?"
"If I wanted to kill you... I wouldn't use food!" Mama Lumpkin glared at her husband, lifting up her own spoon which held a bit of the prepared food. She took a small sip, waiting a moment before her face scrunched and she too spit the stew back into the bowl. "Ugh! It's too cold!" She spat, accepting the napkin her hair had handed her.
"I'msss afraid toss even tryss miness.." Baby Lumpkin stared at his stew still, tongue flickering slowly as he sniffed the meal. With that, he pushed away from the table, standing up to flee the room. However, his 'mother' reached out and grabbed him by the back of the shirt. "Well... Since we're all worried about our breakfast, let's just take a walk and relax.." She stood from the chair, using her other hand to grab her husband's overall strap and pull him up as well.
"Git offa me, woman!"
"Isss don't wantss toos!"
"We're going! Now stop whining!"
With that command, the three were soon out in the woodsy area taking their stroll. Papa Lumpkin at the lead, strumming his banjo with a happy sigh. Mama Lumpkin behind him, holding a black umbrella to shade her face from the sun, while she groaned from the banjo tune and Baby Lumpkin at the back, head down and hands busy with a Ipod and headphones in his ears to block out both parents. Yes, the perfect family it would seem.
As the group was leaving the shack from one side of the place, on another side was a figure approaching their home. A skip in her step and brightly colored flowers adorning her hair, she was the picture of innocence.
"Pick one flower, grab another!" Bubbles continued to sing happily, making her way through the grassy area, her hand holding a small basket that swung with each movement. Even if she was a bit of a bubblehead, she was still kind as she waved happily to each little furry creature. It took a moment for her to look around, her eyes widening as she happened upon the shack. "Ooh! What a pretty little house!"
She hopped her way up the short porch, looking around as if expecting the old pink lumpkin to jump out at her, firing off his shotgun. When no one came out, she gave a slight shrug and reached up to open the door. She peeked her head inside, looking around curiously for any signs of life "Hellooo? Anyone there?" Waiting a few minutes and no response, she shrugged and made her way further inside.
Bubbles climbed atop one of the chairs, putting her arms on the table as she observed the three bowls with a slight frown. "How horrible! Wasting food like this.." A smile formed on her lips as she reached for the spoon Fuzzy hadn't bothered using. She scooped up a bit of his stew, taking a small sip. "Mm... Ahh!" Her voice rose as did the color in her face, the still hot liquid burning her throat. "Too hot! Too hot!"
It took a few minutes, her hands fanning her mouth as she attempted to cool it down. "Ow..." She grumbled, glaring at the bowl in distaste before she turned towards the second bowl. She dug the spoon into the liquid, before carefully popping it into her mouth. A second later her skin seemed to go a dangerous shade of pale blue, her teeth beginning to chatter. "T.. Too c...cold.." She managed, dropping the spoon as she hugged her arms.
It took a few minutes for her to warm up again, her teeth stopping the chatter. She turned her head to the last bowl in question, slowly reaching for the spoon and scooping up a little. If I die... Buttercup better stay away from my funeral! She slowly placed the food into her mouth, cringing before she even swallowed. "...Hey, this isn't so bad!" She realized after a moment or two of trying to gag. With that, she quickly finished what was left of the bowl, before she patted her tummy "That was delicious!"
Pushing back from the table, she began to explore the little shack. Here and there she found a few things. A door on the side caught her eye and she carefully made her way over, fist raised as if waiting for a surprise attack. The door swung open, letting her poke her tiny head in to see. A simple bedroom with tearing wallpaper and three beds shoved into different corners of the wall.
The first bed she came to was a simple cot, a thin old grey blanket laying over the top of it. Scattered around the floor were bits of hay and what appeared to be bullet shells. A look of confusion crossed her face before she simply shrugged, climbing on the bed carefully. "Ooh! This bed is too hard!" She grumbled, her side already beginning to ache once she began to lay down. She stood up once more, brushing down her skirt as she stepped off of the bed and towards the other.
This bed looked nicer, covered in red silk sheets and done up with large fluffy pillows that were covered in black fabric. Bubbles let a small smile form on her lips as she prepared. A jump and she was on the bed, stomach down as she buried her face against one of the pillows. So soft, so warm... She sniffed, wrinkling her nose as the smell hit her face. "Ew... It smells like cheap perfume!" She covered her nose as she moved off from the bed, gagging just a little.
The last bed she turned to her, her face already set in a wince as if waiting for the horror. The bed was messy, clothes around it and the occasional pillow on the floor. It looked... normal however. Slowly she approached, putting a hand over the top. Soft... not too soft though. She leaned down, sniffing it lightly. No horrible smells.. "Perfect!" Wth one last jump she was on the bed, her head burying into the comfortable pillow as she prepared to rest for a bit.
Meanwhile...
"A pot is a pot, you crackpot!"
"Ya know nothin', woman!"
The little family made their way still through the forest, the parents of the baby who were thrown into a bickering fest. Mama Lumpkin clenched her umbrella tightly, her lips set in a narrowed frown as she glared at her husband. Papa Lumpkin shook his fist, the bango clenched tightly in his fist. Baby Lumpkin shook his head, continuing to fiddle with the buttons on the Ipod. Not the best time for it to suddenly die on him.
"Hold it!" The mother's umbrella swung out, knocking lightly into her husband who stopped with a panicked yelp. In stopping, it caused their son to bang into him as well, one earphone falling out. "Did we leave the door open when we left?"
"What you talkin' about? We closed the dang door!" Papa Lumpkin raised his head to look towards the door. It blew in the wind, clanging open and shut every few seconds. Baby Lumpkin looked over his father's shoulder, tongue flickering curiously "Do wess have an intrudersss?" He asked, glancing to see the looks from his parents.
His mother narrowed her eyes, pulling her umbrella back as she closed it. Papa Lumpkin shook his head, the antenna's on his head bobbing as he waved the banjo a second time. "On mah property?!" His voice rose in the typical shout as his feet moved, taking him up the porch and into the house, his wife and son following after.
His eyes darted around the shack, trying to see if there was indeed someone in their 'home'. "...No one's in mah house. Damned wind!" He lowered the hand with the banjo, clumping into the room. Mama Lumpkin shook her head, setting her object down by the side of the door as she searched herself. "...Idiots." She made her way over to the table, her hair flickering out slowly. "Holy...! Someone ate my soup!"
"What're you going on bout?" There was a bit of silence between them as Papa Lumpkin made his way over, looking down as he inspected his soup. "Someone been eatin' my stew!"
"Sssomeonesss eatin' myss ssoup... Thank godsss!"
Mama Lumpkin raised her hand, slapping her son upside the head as he spoke. "Watch your mouth, you little... Fuzzy, our bedroom door is open!" Her voice rose in a shrill scream. This made the head Lumpkin turn around, his pink fur beginning to turn a deep red as he realized. More intruders... People touching his property! "I'ss gettin' mah gun!"
It took a moment, in which all three of the woodsy people entered the bedroom. Papa Lumpkin lifted his gun as he watched over the room, antenna's bobbing as well. "Who's...Someone's been sleepin' in mah bed!" He fired off a shot, causing both Mama and son to cover their heads, ducking down as the smoke began to billow from the gun.
"You idiot! You almost hit something!" Mama Lumpkin glared at the shot hole that was now stuck into the wall of their home. She made her way over to her own bed, smoothing down her sheets before she paused, sniffing the air. "Something...smells like flowers!" She put a hand over her nose, grimcing at the smell.
Baby Lumpkin slid his way through the room, resting his hands on the bedframe of his own sleeping spot, his eyes widening as he took in the sight "Sssomeone'sss ssstil sssleepingss in myss bedss!"
Both parents turned to look. Bubbles was curled up in the bed, her head buried comfortably into the pillow as she let out a tiny sigh. It was a wonder how she'd been able to sleep through the screaming or the gunfire. Papa Lumpkin lifted his gun, eyes wide as he aimed the weapon "Get outta mah property!" The gun fired, causing Snake to duck down, hands covering his head. "Ahhhhsss!"
"You idiot!"
"Mm.. What's going on?" The little blond sat up slowly, rubbing her eyes as the noise finally caught onto her. She set her hands down, turning her head to look around her, her eyes widening as she took in the sight of the three. "Oh my!"
"Git off my property!"
"You moron!"
"Isss don't wantsss ta diesss!"
She stared between the three. First to the cocked gun, then to the fuming woman with the wild hair and finally to the cowering son. What a very odd family she had stumbled upon. She slowly rose from the bed, raising her hand in a wave. "Um.... Bye!" There was a rush of blue as she took off through the ceiling, bits of wood and dust floating down to land over the family and floor alike.
"Mah roof!"
"My hair!"
"...Myss godsss."
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Crack