A/N.: This is one is kind of a songfic, and kind of for my friend B. I highly recommend you to read it while listening to a pretty, slow (sad, even) song. :)
The fic is set in the future, and can almost be called an AU (well isn't it that way with so many fics ever since Marissa died...).
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, only this specific storyline, nor do I own the song that inspired me to write this. Characters belong to its rightfull owners (Josh Schwartz, etc).
When you're gone
All the colors fade
(Amos Lee)
The fireworks explode all around you, the bright lights supposed to be beautiful and colorfull. But the colors, to you, seem to have completely faded.
Because she's not there with you.
And yet her image is printed in your mind. It's as if you could still taste the salty taste of her tears when you tried to kiss them away, the colors of her summer dress fading away, just like her. Her; your girl, your woman, fading as the days passed by. Her personality dimming, her eyes missing the glint they used to have.
You sigh as your head throbs along with the fast beating of your heart, remembering the days she used to wrap her arms around you with a smile, swaying from side to side and asking you to dance with her.
You look out to the night sky exploding with lights, and someone bumps with you with a slurred excuse. Your smile is sad when you remember the last New Year party you hosted along with her, the silly grin on her face when she strutted drunkenly towards you, trying to be seductive.
You could almost swear you just felt her scent in the air for a moment, but you shake your head; just another old memory. More recent memories would only remind you of the smell of alcohol and the sound of shattered glass.
Walking away from the beach, you try your hardest not to look to the sky. That would only remember you of her eyes. You try to ignore the reverberation you can feel on your body from the fireworks' explosions; that would only remind you of the feeling you had when you saw her after coming home in your first years together. And you try to watch where you're walking even though the tears make it hard, because you don't want to be reminded of how you feel when you get home now.
You've made your mistakes in past; so did she. But up until almost a year ago, you thought you would always be able to work out through anything if you were together. Now, you're not so sure. Now, you've lost all the hope.
Finally getting out of the sand, you dodge a group partying in front of you and sigh, looking at your left hand. The simple sight of the ring makes your chest feel tight, conflicting emotions passing through you. You remember the day she slid it on your finger, kissing you softly afterwards and promising herself to you for the rest of your lifes; you also remember when she ripped it off and threw it at your face telling you to never come back.
You feel your cellphone vibrating in your pocket; seeing the name JULIE on the screen, you already know what to expect.
"I'm going home. She's downstairs."
And yet another sigh escapes your lips. You're on the right block already, and a car passes by you quickly. Her mom is just as tired as you are; you can tell she's pretty much giving up. Sometimes you feel like giving up too, you think, reaching the gate to your house.
The gate screeches a bit as you open it slowly. You won't give up. Not yet. Maybe you're being selfish, telling yourself she needs you. But maybe she doesn't. Who knows, maybe it's your presence that drained her throughout the years.
But you need her. That thought runs through your mind again and again as you open the door, just like it had been for quite a while. You need her desperately, you want her with all your might. But it's like she's not there anymore.
And yet you can hear her sobs on the room next to where you're standing. You know she's there. But you're not sure she does.
And yet, as you drop your things anywhere and enters the room, you hear a small whimper. It may have sounded like your name; it may have been just a whimper.
Your chest tightens and you make sure you don't look like you're about to cry. Instead, you force a smile and kneels next to her, looking closely before to make sure there aren't any glass shatters on the floor.
"Hey baby." You whisper hoarsely, sitting on the floor and gently pulling her closer. Her eyes are closed, but you know she's conscious. Instead of trying to make her sit up straight, you place her head on your lap, brushing away the hair from her sweaty face.
She groans from deep within her throat, slowly turning on her back. The effort she has to make is clearly huge, and you swallow the lump in your throat. You spot the bottle near your feet and gently kick it away while caressing her face tenderly. You watch her open her eyes slowly, blinking and looking at you as if she couldn't actually see you.
After long moments, her eyes seem to focuse on you and she emmits a low sound – this time you can almost swear it sounded like "Al". You smile weekly at her, the tears coming back to your eyes.
"Yeah, it's me, baby. It's me." You croak out. You lean down and kiss her forehead, then her lips. When you pull away a little you can taste the alcohol, but you don't care, you simply peck her lips again, wishing she would pull you closer, wishing she would kiss you back, wishing she could tell you it's okay.
You don't get any of those things, but you can feel her fingertips brushing the side of your face momentarily before her hand falls back on the ground. You close your eyes tightly, pressing your forehead to hers, trying not to let the tears spill, trying to just show her your love, not your pain. But it seems impossible to feel or show just one of them lately.
You can't. The tears trail down your face and your body shakes as you try to hold in a sob. Oh God. Oh God, oh God. The thought runs through your mind over and over again; you have the feeling you may have said it out loud as well. It hurts. Oh God, it hurts.
And you hear her whisper out something. Her voice is too cracked for you to understand, but when you open your eyes you can see she's crying too.
You gently wipe away her tears, making a week shushing sound; your pain by itself is already bad enough, you can barely stand seeing her suffering even more. But she doesn't stop crying, instead she passes her tongue over her lips to moisten them and lets out a word. Her voice is too rasp for you to understand, so you lean a little closer. She tries it again.
"---m sorry..."
You feel like your heart just stopped. When it starts beating again, it's way faster than usual. You swallow another lump in your throat. You're afraid it's just the drink talking; you're agraid she's saying it for all the wrong reasons, instead of for the one reason you hope. But when you lean back a little and look into her eyes...
The look she has in them gives you hope. Your lips tremble; she seems more conscious than you remember her being in a long time. Her eyes express her love; in the middle of the pain, of the sadness and the regret, you can see the love.
You nod. You simply don't know what to say. Right after you do so, there's a sudden glint of fear in her eyes and she tries to say something. The only thing you understand is a week "trying". You shake your head and smile softly at her, tears running down your face. "I know you're trying baby, I know..."
Then she closes her eyes in pain when her body starts trembling and you hold her close until it stops and she's left gasping for air. You realize you're breathless as well.
Caressing her face tenderly, you wait until her eyes are finally focused back on you. "I won't leave you Riss," you whisper. You're not sure she heard you, but a tear escapes her eyes followed by other and another. You lean down and kiss her lips; she doesn't pull you closer, she doesn't tell you it's okay, but she lets out a whimper and you can almost feel her trying to.
"I won't leave you," you repeat, over and over again.
Oh God, how you've missed her.
Well, that's it, hope you enjoyed it. ;)
Tell me what you think. ^^'