Title-Leap of Faith
Author-GeekGoddess345
Summary-Mark and Roger misunderstand a few things about each other.
Pairing-Mark/ Roger
Rating-T
Feedback-Always appreciated
Disclaimer-I own nothing. They belong to Jonathon Larson. Author's Note-This is the first Rent fanfic I've ever written and I'm nervous about how it's going to turn out. Also, I tried really hard to kill off Angel but I just couldn't go through with it. So this story takes place right before "Without you".
Italics mean you're reading from that person's point of view.
Roger
To know Mark is to love him. In fact, he only person who doesn't love Mark is Mimi, and that's not even his fault, it's mine. I loved him more than I loved her, and she couldn't take it.
To love Mark though, that's not as easy. It's even harder if you love him from afar. I mean how do you justify falling in love with you're straight best friend?
I never meant for it to happen, but the change was so slow, that by the time I realized I was already in too deep. There was no way out. At first I tried to ignore it, but as the days went by it got harder. I found myself thinking about him constantly. I was thinking about things a best friend shouldn't think about. Like his lips, I often wondered how soft they would be against my skin. I wondered how it would feel to run my hands through his hair, or run my fingers across his chest. Worst of all though, I wondered what he'd taste like. Something sweet would be my best bet, because that's what he is. He's sweet, beautiful, smart, and way out of my league. Unrequited love is the hardest love by far.
I've actually been avoiding him the last week just incase I slip up and tell him how I feel. It's just easier for me to ignore him than to risk the chance of being embarrassed when he tells me he doesn't feel the same way.
I know Mark could never love me, but sometimes I let myself imagine would would happen if he did. I know it seems pathetic, but it's all I have. Unfortunately even my fantasies have drawbacks, because sooner or later I realize all the reasons it could never work.
1. Mark is straight.
2. He doesn't love me
3. He deserves someone who can treat him right.
4. He wouldn't want an ex-junkie
5. I'm not good enough.
6. I'm HIV+.
The last one alone is reason enough not to tell him how I feel. I could never live with myself if I condemned him to a life like mine. It's ironic; I love him too much to ever be with him. And even if he didn't get it, why would he want someone who's going to die and leave him alone. I don't want him to have to take care of me as I die. I don't want him to live with that burden.
So my not telling him how I feel is not because I'm scared, it's for his own good. Right?
Mark
I'm starting to get tired of everbody's secrets. Eveybody's got secrets all of a sudden. Hell, even I'm keeping secrets from everyone. And secrets aren't always easy to keep.They can tear you up inside until you just can't take it anymore. Sometimes it gets so hard to keep everything inside that you're tempted to shout your personal life to the world.
It's gets hard sometimes, things can just become too much for me to bear. Everybody expects me to keep his or her secrets safe, without even considering how I feel about it. It's not like I don't have secrets of my own keeping me up at night.
Nobody ever thinks how all of this affects me. They just come to me like it's no big deal. "It's okay, we'll just tell Mark all of our problems, he won't mind. He's always ready to help." The truth is, I don't have all the answers. I don't even have any answers for myself. I'm as screwed up as the rest of them; I just refuse to let it show. I'm supposed to be the happy one, so that's who I pretend to be. It's easier to act happy than it is to put up with all the questions as to why you're upset.
And since we're being truthful here, I'll admit that I haven't been really happy for a while now. Sure there've been some good days, but more often than not we've had a pretty shitty time. Everything just seems to be going wrong.
I'm also really concerned about Roger. He hasn't been the same since Mimi took off with Benny. He's even more quiet and withdrawn than normal. He won't even look me in the eyes anymore. We barely talk, and if we do it's just to grunt hello or bye while passing each other in the loft.
Things haven't been this awkward since Roger's drug days. But he can't be using. He wouldn't do that again. He wouldn't put all of us through that hell a second time around. Right?