Recovery : Chapter One
Looking down at the bandages on my wrists, it was hard to believe how recovered I truly was. Spending three weeks in the psych ward from a failed suicide attempt, I knew it would be a long recovery when I left, which was today. I thought about how if I'd ever recover from something like this; this would probably stick with me the rest of my life. I was 17 and I already felt so mentally damaged. This isn't part of being a teenager; this is life in it's brutal, true form.
I heard the white doors being pushed open; it was my mom, coming to pick me up and take me home. Not that I really wanted that, but I most definitely didn't want to be stuck here any longer. I don't think going back home would help, honestly. It would be the same old, same old; nothing changes while you're gone, but when you're stuck in a facility for three weeks you have a lot of time to think about life. You think about how you want things to change and how you can change it, but there's still that gripping feeling where you know it probably won't change, at least not for a while.
She smiled at me, opening her arms to embrace me. I begrudgingly accepted, her arms clasped around my shoulders. I just kind of stood there awkwardly. I've been more affectionate before, but being suicidally depressed kind of numbs you out a bit.
"You ready to go home?" My mom asked. I nodded my head, not saying much. I didn't say much to her, either. When she visited me we kind of just played cards or whatever. She would talk, update me on things. I just nodded my head, not really paying attention to the conversations. I'd tune things out. I had a tendency to do that a lot more, compared to before I became depressed. I'll probably be comparing things to before and after my depression spells; it's easier that way.
The nurse handed my mom all the paperwork to sign me out. I looked over it, seeing what my diagnoses are or whatever. I can't tell if it's actually mental illness or character traits. It feels like its become a part of me somehow, my problems or whatever. Oh, you've probably noticed that I say whatever a lot, seeing I just wrote that down twice in a row. I really do like writing, even if I'm not the best at it. I want to be able to document my progress; that's why I'm writing this.
Shortly after, I finally walked out those doors and felt the fresh air, the warm sun on my face and the wind blowing my blonde hair around. When the weather is so beautiful, it makes you appreciate things more. We got into the car and started driving home. I knew my mom would try to talk to me, or otherwise there'd be silence. I don't really like the silence, but I don't like the noise, either.
"Maybe you should go out tonight," my mom started, "call up Sora and Riku. They're your friends."
"They're probably mad at me, mom. They haven't heard from me in three weeks." I retorted.
"Just explain to them what happened."
"Mom, it's not that easy. No one really knows about my…uh…issues."
I thought about how maybe that was a contributing factor to my suicide attempt; I felt like I had no one I could really talk to. In reality I did, but the thick cloud in my head distorted the truth.
As I walked into my house, running up the steps into my room, I collapsed on my bed. It felt so nice being on mine instead of one of those stupid hospital beds.
"Roxas!" I heard my mom shout from downstairs, "Do what I told you in the car!"
I groaned. I didn't really want to, but I guess it was inevitable. The sooner, the better.
I picked up my phone, which was somehow conveintly charged and on my bedside table. I dialed Sora's number. After the third ring, he picked up.
"Roxas! Where have you been, man? We haven't heard from you in like, three weeks."
"I know. I missed you guys."
"Where have you been!?"
I sighed, explaining what had happened.
"Oh God, I'm so sorry, Roxas. We didn't know…"
"It's okay. You didn't know."
"Let's have fun tonight, okay? You deserve it."
"Sounds great. I'd love that. It kind of sucked, being locked up like that."
"That would suck, so Riku and I are picking you up at around 8."
"All right. I'll see you then." I hung up.
I had a couple hours to kill, so I did the usual: played video games, ate like the fat fuck I am. Well, I'm skinny as a rail but I eat like someone who's morbidly obese. It's ridiculous.
"Mom, they're picking me up in like, an hour." I told my mom eventually.
"Good! Where are you guys going?" She asked.
"I don't know yet. They didn't tell me."
"Well, have fun. It'll be good for you."
"I guess." I wandered back upstairs to go pick out what I was going to wear. I wanted to look presentable and not like a freaky slob like I looked like when I was in the hospital.
When 8 o'clock came around, I heard Riku honk the horn on his convertible, signaling for me to come out. I rushed out the door, saying bye to my mom and saying hello to my friends. I really did miss them a lot.
I jumped in the back seat. "Where are we going?" I asked as Riku pulled out from in front of my house and onto the road.
"To a party!" Sora turned around, looking at me excitedly.
"Oh boy," I sighed. At times, I really detested parties, or just being social in general. I preferred smaller groups, aka just me, Sora, and Riku.
"But there'll be a lot of cute boys there!" Sora laughed. Riku gave him a look, rolling his eyes.
"Oh baby, you know I only have eyes for you," Sora gushed. I almost wanted to barf at the lovey-dovey shit.
About 15 minutes later, we pulled up in front of a big house. It looked surprisingly packed for it only being eight.
"Sora, are you sure about this?" I asked, feeling a nervousness build up in my stomach.
"Roxas," he put his arm around my shoulders, "you'll be fine. Like I said, this house is packed full of hotties to choose from." He laughed, turning to Riku who glared at him again. Sora kissed him on the cheek. They really were an adorable couple.
We entered the house, which really was packed. Some people looked wasted, some were conversing, obviously trying to get into each others pants. This basically what teenagers parties were like.
After walking around for a few minutes, I noticed a tall and lanky, attractive guy. He had long, red hair, which was styled in laid-back spikes. He looked my way and I could see his piercing green eyes. He had a mischievous grin on his face. It was kind of like he was undressing me with his eyes. I turned away.
"Roxas, there's a cute guy over there!" Sora pointed to the tall, lanky red head.
"Not interested." Well. I kind of was. But I didn't want to admit that. It didn't feel like I was ready for anyone, not even a fling or something, considering it was my first day out after all.
"Come on, Roxas! Go talk to him!" Sora gave me a shove, and I gave him an evil glare, but started walking towards the attractive, green-eyed man.
His smile got wider as he saw me walking closer to him. He was obviously interested, which I didn't really like that much. I liked it when guys acted like they didn't care. I don't know why; I just did.
I kind of just stood next to him awkwardly. He looked down at me and I gave him an awkward nod of acknowledgement. I didn't really know how to start conversations, especially with strangers- attractive strangers.
He leaned down near me, his cool breath in my ear, "I'm Axel,"
"Hi, Axel." I looked up, that smile still on his face.
"What's your name, cutie?" Ugh, how I hated being called that pet name.
"I'm Roxas."
"Nice to meet you, Roxas." And I guess you could say that's when the adventure begins.