Title: Glance And Glamour In The Disco Lights
Author: Reija Linn (T'Reija)
Email/Feedback: theganan@gmx.de or thiari@theganan.de
Archive: Azkaban's Lair, ff-net. Others please ask beforehand and leave the full header intact.
Originally posted: SBRL list
Pairing: Sirius/Remus, Harry/?, minor Sirius/m
Rating: [PG-13]
Summary: Harry has a confession to make, and in the process finds out how Sirius and Remus came together during their time at Hogwarts... pure fluff with a little teen angst.
Spoilers: Haven't read the books? Do so. Right away. Do not eat, sleep or pause until you're finished. Then come back.
Warnings: male/male sexuality and/or relationship(s) featured within. Don't like, don't read, don't flame. Simple really, though seemingly not simple enough for some dim witted clots out there.
Legal disclaimer: I never have, nor ever will, owned the rights to the setting of the Harry Potter books or the characters featured within. The use of said settings and characters by me is for non-commercial purposes only and does not mean to infringe upon the given legal rights that belong to Ms. J.K.Rowling and those she has associated them with.
Notes: This takes place before Harry's sixth year at Hogwarts.
GLANCE AND GLAMOUR IN THE DISCO LIGHTS
By T'Reija (June 2002)
Prologue
It was easy, telling Sirius.
He and his lover had been discreet, a pseudo second bedroom, coming down to breakfast separately and all, but honestly, you could see simply from the way they looked at each other...
I'm okay with it, really. I love Sirius, my Godfather, who has done so much for me in the short time we've known each other, who has taken me away from the Dursleys for which I will be eternally grateful; Sirius, who acts as though he loves me like a son. Maybe he does. And there couldn't be a better Uncle than Remus Lupin, my ex- and soon-again-to-be Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, even if he *does* turn into a wolf once a month during the full moon. So I'm glad they're happy with each other - happy again, as Sirius explained to me.
Apparently, they had been lovers, once, at Hogwarts and thereafter, and after twelve years of pain for both of them could still not imagine being with anyone else. Wow, that had to be love...
So, I had been right, my Godfather was gay.
No, I'm not narrow-minded or something like that, in fact, I was relieved when my voiced suspicion was affirmed one breakfast by a rather uncomfortable-looking Sirius. Guess he was afraid I'd have a problem with it.
The reason I was relieved is that it makes me feel less alone. Yes, you understand this right, the famous Harry Potter, son of Lily and James Potter, The Boy Who Lived, is queer. A poof, a woolly woofter.
And I desperately needed someone to talk to. Ron, I couldn't, not because I don't trust him or something, it's just... well, since he and Hermione... we're still best friends, but I don't have the same feeling I used to, perhaps because now, it's not just Ron and me, two blokes, talking about stuff, Hermione's /always/ partaking. And while I really like her, there are some things I'd rather not discuss with a girl - any girl. And of course, there's always the possibility he won't understand - after all, he's straight.
Sirius giggled when I explained that to him, and at my questioning glance told me it had been just the same for him when my father and mother had started seeing each other.
Then he suddenly stopped giggling, and asked me seriously, as if talking to a grownup (he's always treating me like that, as does Remus, which is one of the many reasons I so enjoy living with them).
"Harry, is there anyone at Hogwarts you'd be interested in? I hope you haven't fallen for Ron..."
I raised my eyebrows at this. "Ron?! No, what gives you *that* idea, we're friends."
Sirius smiled. "Good."
I went red, and as so often cursed my relatively fair complexion - I can mutate into a tomato at least two or three times a day quite convincingly (unfortunately, McGonagall has never graded this perfect transfiguration).
"But there /is/ someone at school, isn't there?" Sirius chimed.
"W-well..." I stammered, and then pulled myself together. After all, I was going to be sixteen tomorrow, and this was /Sirius/... "Well, there is, but I'm sure he's not gay and I don't even know if he likes me at all. We don't have that much in common, you know."
"How do you know he's not gay then, Harry? Or, if you've seen him with girls, he might be bi..."
"Oh, it's nothing like that. Actually, I haven't really ever seen him with a girl, except for the ball in fourth year... He flirts a lot, but I don't think he ever had a girlfriend, at least nothing that lasted... It's just... well, I guess I just can't imagine anyone else being like that at Hogwarts..."
At this, Sirius broke into delighted laughter. "Oh, there might be more than you think. When I remember, during our time at Hogwarts..."
Suddenly, the voice of Remus Lupin cut in, "Oh yes, I'd like to hear that."
Sirius turned in his seat, groaning. "You're still wearing that old rag of a shirt, man, can't you dress yourself properly? There's a young boy in the house! You're a bad influence!"
This was some kind of morning ritual with my two uncles ('cause that's how I regard them, it seems to fit - better than it did for Uncle Vernon, that's for sure!) Each morning, Uncle Remus would join us at the breakfast table late, wearing the same old, battered t-shirt that was so large it went to past his mid-thighs, if not quite to his knees. Each morning, Sirius would tell him off for it, and each morning, Remus would shrug and grin and ask for coffee.
Remus shrugged, then, with a quite silly morning grin plastered on his face, he asked, "I hope you've left me some coffee, or I'll be right off to bed again." The smaller man's eyes widened in surprise when Sirius gave him a small, chaste kiss, then a smile lit up on his face. Upon receiving his cup o' coffee from Sirius, his grin turned broader. "Sirius, I believe you were just telling Harry something about our time at school..."
Sirius shot a questioning glance at me, and, when I nodded an unspoken permission, continued. "You see, Harry, love always has a great potential of hurting you, that's the risk with anything so wonderful. And except for a few rare exceptions, you mostly won't find the right person right away. But if you never risk exposing yourself, you'll diminish your chances of finding someone who returns the feeling."
I have to say, it all sounds quite logical. But...
"But Sirius, what if he's disgusted at the thought, what if he spreads it all around Hogwarts, that I'm, that I'm..."
Remus' eyes sparkled with understanding, and I remembered that he hadn't been present when I'd confessed about being attracted to boys (or when Sirius admitted he and Remus were lovers, for a fact, which is probably why he was so surprised at the kiss). He cleared his throat. "If I may?" he started politely - I guess he wanted to make sure he really wasn't interrupting a godfather/godson discussion. "You know, Harry, your dare-devil ex-biker and girls-heart-throb godfather over there wasn't much different when he was your age." His eyes twinkled teasingly at Sirius. "Great with the girls, a flirt if ever you've seen one, but too shy to admit he was actually more interested in boys..."
"In you." My godfather added.
"Well, and I didn't dare say anything, because he was always surrounded by girls, and seemed to be quite obviously straight... And there was the other issue..." his face darkened for a second, and I knew he was referring to his werewolf blood.
"In the end," Sirius took off from where his lover had stopped, "it was pure coincidence that we ever got together. Actually, we have Severus Snape to thank for it, of all people." He grinned mischievously, and I could suddenly imagine a younger Sirius Black very easily. "You see, he hated all of us, James, Remus, me and... and... Peter, but he especially begrudged me, not that his grudge had been totally unfounded." A short flicker of pain moved across his face, perhaps because he'd mentioned Peter and his almost deadly prank in one sentence. "Anyway, he spread the rumour all around the school that we were a couple. I still remember Peter storming into our common room shouting 'is it true? is it true?' I'd wanted to laugh the matter off..."
"As best you could, I know." Remus poured himself another cup of coffee, chuckling, then turned towards me. "So what he did was this, he took on a sort of effeminate pose, said 'of course it is, Peter, honey' in falsetto, and pulled me close for a kiss. The whole common room was cheering and bellowing, and of course from that moment on, no one believed the rumour anymore - since we could laugh about it instead of being ashamed, they reckoned Snape had just played a joke on us or something."
"Yeah, even James told me he'd suspected there could be more to it until then - he knew we weren't a couple, but he seemed to have sensed the tension between us, and that there was more than friendship there..." Sirius smiled in memory. It was a somewhat sad smile, but a smile nonetheless. At first, it had been really awkward, I had wanted to hear more about my parents but didn't dare ask for the fear of causing my godfather pain, and Sirius had been afraid to hurt *me* or something by telling me about them - but eventually, scruples lessened since I told him I'd rather have some knowledge about my dead parents than not know anything about them, even *if* it pained to know I'd never have a chance to meet them - not in this life, anyway.
"Well, that kiss had actually really affected me, I hadn't expected it to be such an intense feeling - I'd kissed a couple of girls before, and it hadn't really given me anything - but this was, after all, my best friend Remus, so I decided not to say anything. I mean, as far as I knew, he'd gone along with it to spite Snape and to wave the matter aside."
"Which was precisely what I was thinking," Remus again took over the narrative. "After all, I knew Sirius and his look-the-devil-in-the-eyes attitude. I was absolutely positive it had meant nothing to him, and it did mean all the world to me - unlike Sirius, I'd known I was in love with him, had had a crush since the first time we met that gradually became love. Well, one evening when we were sitting at our potions homework together, after everyone else had already left for the night - it was right after the full moon, so I had some working-up to do - and I just couldn't take it anymore, especially since Sirius asked me two or three times a day which girls I liked, and if I would like to go on a double date with him and some girl or the other - it was really quite annoying. It was weeks after that kiss, the rumours had almost subsided, and there was only one month left to the summer holidays - that was our sixth year, btw, we were only a little older than you are now, Harry."
The lovers exchanged a look, and I can't say for sure, but I think they were holding hands beneath the table. Then Sirius once again continued.
"So this one day, I was sitting there, totally absorbed in how the effects of newt's eyeballs would change when they were pickled instead of fresh, and how you could still use them without having a fresh bunch of newts around the house at all times, when I noted Remus wasn't copying anything, wasn't even looking at the book, but instead staring at me with that odd expression I first misinterpreted as annoyance. So I asked 'What's up, Moony?' and he shrugged as if to wave it away, then changed his mind and told me 'it's nothing much, really, it's just that I've been thinking, and there's something I want to tell you..."
"Gosh I remember how nervous I was at that," Remus added, eyes twinkling. "I was sure he'd laugh at me, or worse, hate me, but I couldn't keep it inside anymore, and I thought when he could accept me being a werewolf, he could perhaps accept me being gay, even if he wouldn't return my feelings for him. So I asked him if he remembered the incident with the kiss five weeks ago, and he just nodded, so I told him, with lots of stuttering and fearful glances, that I couldn't stop thinking about it, that I didn't want to loose his friendship, but could he please stop asking me about girls 'cause I really wasn't interested in them. From that evening on, we were a couple, and didn't care who thought what about us."
They both smiled fondly at the memory, gazing into each other's eyes, until Sirius shook his head, still smiling.
"The point is, Harry, if Remus hadn't had the guts back then to tell me how he felt, we never would have come together in the first place. I probably would have decided I was straight and would have tried to be happy with some girl - don't think I would have succeeded, but I would have tried nonetheless - and Remus..."
"I'd be spending my days alone, probably, unless I'd have found another werewolf... though the general acceptance of werewolves is pretty bad already, there are those who are open-minded... but even those wouldn't want a werewolf as their lover. And women were out of the question... not only did I not feel attracted to them, I could also never father children - there's a one in four chance of a child inheriting lycanthropy if one parent is affected, a fifty percent chance if both are."
"So," my godfather concluded, "I know it's hard, and perhaps that boy at Hogwarts you're interested in does fancy girls, but if you don't risk, you don't win. I for one can't imagine how life would have come out if Moony hadn't taken the chance... the thought of him, of our past, of the future we could still have if I could prove my innocence, it was the only thing that sustained me in Azkaban."
We'd all finished breakfast by then, and I went into the living room to do some of the homework I'd gotten for the summer holidays, head buzzing with thoughts.
Could I really tell him?
How would he react?
I decided to tell Ron, first, after all he was my friend, and perhaps he could help me with what to do now. I just had to catch him without Hermione...
Continued in Part 2...
Author: Reija Linn (T'Reija)
Email/Feedback: theganan@gmx.de or thiari@theganan.de
Archive: Azkaban's Lair, ff-net. Others please ask beforehand and leave the full header intact.
Originally posted: SBRL list
Pairing: Sirius/Remus, Harry/?, minor Sirius/m
Rating: [PG-13]
Summary: Harry has a confession to make, and in the process finds out how Sirius and Remus came together during their time at Hogwarts... pure fluff with a little teen angst.
Spoilers: Haven't read the books? Do so. Right away. Do not eat, sleep or pause until you're finished. Then come back.
Warnings: male/male sexuality and/or relationship(s) featured within. Don't like, don't read, don't flame. Simple really, though seemingly not simple enough for some dim witted clots out there.
Legal disclaimer: I never have, nor ever will, owned the rights to the setting of the Harry Potter books or the characters featured within. The use of said settings and characters by me is for non-commercial purposes only and does not mean to infringe upon the given legal rights that belong to Ms. J.K.Rowling and those she has associated them with.
Notes: This takes place before Harry's sixth year at Hogwarts.
GLANCE AND GLAMOUR IN THE DISCO LIGHTS
By T'Reija (June 2002)
Prologue
It was easy, telling Sirius.
He and his lover had been discreet, a pseudo second bedroom, coming down to breakfast separately and all, but honestly, you could see simply from the way they looked at each other...
I'm okay with it, really. I love Sirius, my Godfather, who has done so much for me in the short time we've known each other, who has taken me away from the Dursleys for which I will be eternally grateful; Sirius, who acts as though he loves me like a son. Maybe he does. And there couldn't be a better Uncle than Remus Lupin, my ex- and soon-again-to-be Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, even if he *does* turn into a wolf once a month during the full moon. So I'm glad they're happy with each other - happy again, as Sirius explained to me.
Apparently, they had been lovers, once, at Hogwarts and thereafter, and after twelve years of pain for both of them could still not imagine being with anyone else. Wow, that had to be love...
So, I had been right, my Godfather was gay.
No, I'm not narrow-minded or something like that, in fact, I was relieved when my voiced suspicion was affirmed one breakfast by a rather uncomfortable-looking Sirius. Guess he was afraid I'd have a problem with it.
The reason I was relieved is that it makes me feel less alone. Yes, you understand this right, the famous Harry Potter, son of Lily and James Potter, The Boy Who Lived, is queer. A poof, a woolly woofter.
And I desperately needed someone to talk to. Ron, I couldn't, not because I don't trust him or something, it's just... well, since he and Hermione... we're still best friends, but I don't have the same feeling I used to, perhaps because now, it's not just Ron and me, two blokes, talking about stuff, Hermione's /always/ partaking. And while I really like her, there are some things I'd rather not discuss with a girl - any girl. And of course, there's always the possibility he won't understand - after all, he's straight.
Sirius giggled when I explained that to him, and at my questioning glance told me it had been just the same for him when my father and mother had started seeing each other.
Then he suddenly stopped giggling, and asked me seriously, as if talking to a grownup (he's always treating me like that, as does Remus, which is one of the many reasons I so enjoy living with them).
"Harry, is there anyone at Hogwarts you'd be interested in? I hope you haven't fallen for Ron..."
I raised my eyebrows at this. "Ron?! No, what gives you *that* idea, we're friends."
Sirius smiled. "Good."
I went red, and as so often cursed my relatively fair complexion - I can mutate into a tomato at least two or three times a day quite convincingly (unfortunately, McGonagall has never graded this perfect transfiguration).
"But there /is/ someone at school, isn't there?" Sirius chimed.
"W-well..." I stammered, and then pulled myself together. After all, I was going to be sixteen tomorrow, and this was /Sirius/... "Well, there is, but I'm sure he's not gay and I don't even know if he likes me at all. We don't have that much in common, you know."
"How do you know he's not gay then, Harry? Or, if you've seen him with girls, he might be bi..."
"Oh, it's nothing like that. Actually, I haven't really ever seen him with a girl, except for the ball in fourth year... He flirts a lot, but I don't think he ever had a girlfriend, at least nothing that lasted... It's just... well, I guess I just can't imagine anyone else being like that at Hogwarts..."
At this, Sirius broke into delighted laughter. "Oh, there might be more than you think. When I remember, during our time at Hogwarts..."
Suddenly, the voice of Remus Lupin cut in, "Oh yes, I'd like to hear that."
Sirius turned in his seat, groaning. "You're still wearing that old rag of a shirt, man, can't you dress yourself properly? There's a young boy in the house! You're a bad influence!"
This was some kind of morning ritual with my two uncles ('cause that's how I regard them, it seems to fit - better than it did for Uncle Vernon, that's for sure!) Each morning, Uncle Remus would join us at the breakfast table late, wearing the same old, battered t-shirt that was so large it went to past his mid-thighs, if not quite to his knees. Each morning, Sirius would tell him off for it, and each morning, Remus would shrug and grin and ask for coffee.
Remus shrugged, then, with a quite silly morning grin plastered on his face, he asked, "I hope you've left me some coffee, or I'll be right off to bed again." The smaller man's eyes widened in surprise when Sirius gave him a small, chaste kiss, then a smile lit up on his face. Upon receiving his cup o' coffee from Sirius, his grin turned broader. "Sirius, I believe you were just telling Harry something about our time at school..."
Sirius shot a questioning glance at me, and, when I nodded an unspoken permission, continued. "You see, Harry, love always has a great potential of hurting you, that's the risk with anything so wonderful. And except for a few rare exceptions, you mostly won't find the right person right away. But if you never risk exposing yourself, you'll diminish your chances of finding someone who returns the feeling."
I have to say, it all sounds quite logical. But...
"But Sirius, what if he's disgusted at the thought, what if he spreads it all around Hogwarts, that I'm, that I'm..."
Remus' eyes sparkled with understanding, and I remembered that he hadn't been present when I'd confessed about being attracted to boys (or when Sirius admitted he and Remus were lovers, for a fact, which is probably why he was so surprised at the kiss). He cleared his throat. "If I may?" he started politely - I guess he wanted to make sure he really wasn't interrupting a godfather/godson discussion. "You know, Harry, your dare-devil ex-biker and girls-heart-throb godfather over there wasn't much different when he was your age." His eyes twinkled teasingly at Sirius. "Great with the girls, a flirt if ever you've seen one, but too shy to admit he was actually more interested in boys..."
"In you." My godfather added.
"Well, and I didn't dare say anything, because he was always surrounded by girls, and seemed to be quite obviously straight... And there was the other issue..." his face darkened for a second, and I knew he was referring to his werewolf blood.
"In the end," Sirius took off from where his lover had stopped, "it was pure coincidence that we ever got together. Actually, we have Severus Snape to thank for it, of all people." He grinned mischievously, and I could suddenly imagine a younger Sirius Black very easily. "You see, he hated all of us, James, Remus, me and... and... Peter, but he especially begrudged me, not that his grudge had been totally unfounded." A short flicker of pain moved across his face, perhaps because he'd mentioned Peter and his almost deadly prank in one sentence. "Anyway, he spread the rumour all around the school that we were a couple. I still remember Peter storming into our common room shouting 'is it true? is it true?' I'd wanted to laugh the matter off..."
"As best you could, I know." Remus poured himself another cup of coffee, chuckling, then turned towards me. "So what he did was this, he took on a sort of effeminate pose, said 'of course it is, Peter, honey' in falsetto, and pulled me close for a kiss. The whole common room was cheering and bellowing, and of course from that moment on, no one believed the rumour anymore - since we could laugh about it instead of being ashamed, they reckoned Snape had just played a joke on us or something."
"Yeah, even James told me he'd suspected there could be more to it until then - he knew we weren't a couple, but he seemed to have sensed the tension between us, and that there was more than friendship there..." Sirius smiled in memory. It was a somewhat sad smile, but a smile nonetheless. At first, it had been really awkward, I had wanted to hear more about my parents but didn't dare ask for the fear of causing my godfather pain, and Sirius had been afraid to hurt *me* or something by telling me about them - but eventually, scruples lessened since I told him I'd rather have some knowledge about my dead parents than not know anything about them, even *if* it pained to know I'd never have a chance to meet them - not in this life, anyway.
"Well, that kiss had actually really affected me, I hadn't expected it to be such an intense feeling - I'd kissed a couple of girls before, and it hadn't really given me anything - but this was, after all, my best friend Remus, so I decided not to say anything. I mean, as far as I knew, he'd gone along with it to spite Snape and to wave the matter aside."
"Which was precisely what I was thinking," Remus again took over the narrative. "After all, I knew Sirius and his look-the-devil-in-the-eyes attitude. I was absolutely positive it had meant nothing to him, and it did mean all the world to me - unlike Sirius, I'd known I was in love with him, had had a crush since the first time we met that gradually became love. Well, one evening when we were sitting at our potions homework together, after everyone else had already left for the night - it was right after the full moon, so I had some working-up to do - and I just couldn't take it anymore, especially since Sirius asked me two or three times a day which girls I liked, and if I would like to go on a double date with him and some girl or the other - it was really quite annoying. It was weeks after that kiss, the rumours had almost subsided, and there was only one month left to the summer holidays - that was our sixth year, btw, we were only a little older than you are now, Harry."
The lovers exchanged a look, and I can't say for sure, but I think they were holding hands beneath the table. Then Sirius once again continued.
"So this one day, I was sitting there, totally absorbed in how the effects of newt's eyeballs would change when they were pickled instead of fresh, and how you could still use them without having a fresh bunch of newts around the house at all times, when I noted Remus wasn't copying anything, wasn't even looking at the book, but instead staring at me with that odd expression I first misinterpreted as annoyance. So I asked 'What's up, Moony?' and he shrugged as if to wave it away, then changed his mind and told me 'it's nothing much, really, it's just that I've been thinking, and there's something I want to tell you..."
"Gosh I remember how nervous I was at that," Remus added, eyes twinkling. "I was sure he'd laugh at me, or worse, hate me, but I couldn't keep it inside anymore, and I thought when he could accept me being a werewolf, he could perhaps accept me being gay, even if he wouldn't return my feelings for him. So I asked him if he remembered the incident with the kiss five weeks ago, and he just nodded, so I told him, with lots of stuttering and fearful glances, that I couldn't stop thinking about it, that I didn't want to loose his friendship, but could he please stop asking me about girls 'cause I really wasn't interested in them. From that evening on, we were a couple, and didn't care who thought what about us."
They both smiled fondly at the memory, gazing into each other's eyes, until Sirius shook his head, still smiling.
"The point is, Harry, if Remus hadn't had the guts back then to tell me how he felt, we never would have come together in the first place. I probably would have decided I was straight and would have tried to be happy with some girl - don't think I would have succeeded, but I would have tried nonetheless - and Remus..."
"I'd be spending my days alone, probably, unless I'd have found another werewolf... though the general acceptance of werewolves is pretty bad already, there are those who are open-minded... but even those wouldn't want a werewolf as their lover. And women were out of the question... not only did I not feel attracted to them, I could also never father children - there's a one in four chance of a child inheriting lycanthropy if one parent is affected, a fifty percent chance if both are."
"So," my godfather concluded, "I know it's hard, and perhaps that boy at Hogwarts you're interested in does fancy girls, but if you don't risk, you don't win. I for one can't imagine how life would have come out if Moony hadn't taken the chance... the thought of him, of our past, of the future we could still have if I could prove my innocence, it was the only thing that sustained me in Azkaban."
We'd all finished breakfast by then, and I went into the living room to do some of the homework I'd gotten for the summer holidays, head buzzing with thoughts.
Could I really tell him?
How would he react?
I decided to tell Ron, first, after all he was my friend, and perhaps he could help me with what to do now. I just had to catch him without Hermione...
Continued in Part 2...