Title: Naturalistic Observer
Author: TeamHybrid
Rating: Teen for angst and themes
A/N: All themes and characters related to the Twilight Saga belong to Stephanie Meyer. All other themes and characters are property of TeamHybrid copyright 2010.
Summary: "I love you. I won't stalk you. I am not a stalker. I am a Naturalistic Observer. Will you love me, Edward?" A story from Bella, a girl who has loved a boy for most of her life without ever talking to him. Maybe, just maybe, she will stop being an observer and start being alive.
The barber botched you haircut. It's uneven. The left is higher than the right. But don't worry. You're still perfect. The freckle is still under your ear. The scar is still fresh across your neck. But don't worry. It makes you perfect. When you stretched behind your back I caught a glimpse of your hand. You keep your nails trimmed and clean. My mother would have appreciated that. You slung too far back and hit my desk. You mumbled an apology without turning back. My father would appreciate that. I appreciate that.
I resist an urge to touch you. Not anywhere bad. Just the tips of your perfectly botched haircut. I run my fingers against the tips of my own hair. I let my eyes close. You hair feels wonderful. Like a kitten's fur. My eyes snap open and my hand drop to my desk. I should not waste my time on these frivolous fantasies. Class will be ending soon. I won't see you all week-end. I never do. I respect that. I respect you. I respect you don't like me. I respect you don't know me. I respect everything about you.
Why are you laughing? Laughing your melodic laugh? What did they say? They do? I wish I could repeat that notion. To make you laugh. With me. Not at me. Not that you ever laugh at anyone. You are perfect. I open my mouth to ask you what is so funny. As soon as I find my voice. You're gone.
"I love you, Edward."
My father asked my about the dance. He knew I would not go. He doesn't know the reason. Because the reason is you. To have you ask me out. Anywhere. Even the lame school dance would be the pinnacle of my life. To have you talk to me would be the beginning of my life. I guess if you kissed me that would be the end of my life. It would be a good way to die. In the arms of someone I love. Irrevocably. And that person is you.
I met you. I saw you. In first grade. My seven year old heart became yours forever. Did you even notice me? All you did was smile. You've never spoken to me. I never minded. Before now. Now I am seventeen. Now you hold my heart tighter. Without even uttering my name. You called me Same one time. It was an icebreaker in fifth grade. We had to introduce our classmates to the teacher. You were the leader. You called me Sam. I could never shake that nickname. You led everyone the wrong direction. It hurt. But I love you. Love replaced my pain. Nothing kills your perfection. Nothing ever will.
Would you take me to the dance? If I spoke? To you? To someone? Would you even like me? In my dreams you would like me. You like everyone. That's why you are perfect. That's why I love you. That's why she loves you.
Tanya. I know what she had. I do not. I do not have what she had. Tanya was my friend. We were eight. We were equals. Now we are not. She is yours. You are not mine. Does it hurt? Yes. No. You are happy so it does not hurt. I should speak to you. Dazzle you. Maybe. Maybe sometime before I go. Where would I go without you? I will have to learn one day. Tanya won't learn. She knows. She knows every day that you love her. Everyone knows. Everyone sees. Everyone is enveloped. I am suffocated.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will see you. And maybe. Just maybe you will see me. Wouldn't that be nice?
You got your hair fixed. Immaculate. Always immaculate. I could write a book just saying how beautiful you are. But a picture would do just as nicely. Did you know I like to take pictures? Not of you. Not that is wouldn't be nice. Just, not of you. You don't know though.
We have biology together. I sit behind you. I'm always behind you. Not in a creepy way. Promise. I sit behind you in class. Always. That's how teachers place us. Always. Biology, I'm failing. I spend my time thinking about. Yes, about you. I hope your ego doesn't grow too much. It wouldn't make you mine anymore. My love. No other attachment. Promise.
The teacher called on me again. I don't have an answer so I shrug. He calls me up. I shuffle by you. Did you see how red my face is? It burned with embarrassment. He hands be a bucket and directs me to pick a slip of paper out of the bucket. The paper has your name on it I wish I understood why. I hold the paper to the teacher. He simply nods and tells me to meet my new lab partner.
The back of your head does not do you justice. Your profile is wonderful. I can see you eyes now. Or rather the one eye. It is harder to look at you now. I have to sneak now. I don't like it. I miss my open observations. At least now I can see more of you and pay attention in class. But I don't want to. I want you.
I learned long ago you can't always get what you want. It may be a song but I can't be sure anymore.
A/N: Thoughts? And yes, it is supposed to be Bella's though process. Edward always wanted to get into her head :)