Hey guys…ok so if you read my holiday one shots, you would know that I said I was very possibly going to write some angst. So…um…here you go. If this sucks I apologize in advance you guys. But I love you all for sticking with me even though my writing has absolutely no consistency anymore.

I don't own VA, but life is hell...live and burn with me.

Drowning.

I was drowning. Not literally, but I might as well have been. I didn't know any other way to put it. He was gone. Just up and disappeared with the others who had been taken. Nobody knew whether he had been turned or killed. I wanted to cling to the hope that since we hadn't found a body it meant he wasn't dead.

Surely, if he was, I would feel it, right? I would know. But I didn't know. I wanted so desperately to think positively, I mean he was the best of the best, if anyone could survive a strigoi attack it was my Dimitri. But all these questions were pressing in on my chest. They were crushing my lungs, making it so very hard to breathe, much less think.

Was he a strigoi now? If he was then how could I find him? I had to find him. I had a promise to fulfil. I owed him that much. There was absolutely no way I could let a man with such honor, a man who was so duty-bound that he was willing to sacrifice his own happiness for the safety of his charge walk this Earth as a soulless undead monster. I had to find him, even if shoving a silver stake into the chest of the one man in this world who meant everything to me, the one person aside from Lissa who was my other half destroyed me. I had to do it, he deserved that mercy.

I gasped for air, the idea of a world without him making my chest tighten. I could tolerate us never being together, at least I would still get to walk this planet with a man like him, but we were together. I had given him everything and now, now he was gone. He was probably a strigoi, and, I had no idea what I was supposed to do about that, there was nothing I could do to make it better except to kill him.

My eyes flew open and I bolted up in bed, shaking hard and gasping for air. My hair clung to my cheeks wet with the tears I hadn't even realized were falling. In my head I could see the bridge, almost feel the cool night air and hear his voice as he taunted me, certain that I wasn't going to kill him. I could almost hear him say that he wanted me, wanted me not loved me, could almost feel the cool stake in my hand, see the flash of silver as I told him that was the wrong answer and plunged the stake into his chest.

"Not real," I told myself out loud as I scrambled to turn on the bedside lamp. "Dream…just a dream." My hands shook and in the darkness I very nearly knocked the lamp over, but after a couple tries I turned it on and soft, yellow light filled the room.

Unfortunately, it did nothing to calm my pounding heart or to quell the anxiety that flooded my shaking body. I pulled my knees up to my chest wrapping my arms around them as I rocked, back and forth, back and forth. Just a dream, I told myself over and over in my head, and rocked and breathed, in and out, back and forth as tears streamed down my face, and my body shook from the force of my sobs.

Yes, I am a cruel bitch who really did just end it like that. Sorry…I might write more though, maybe depending on my mood and your response of course. I make no promises. But leave me some love won't you? Please? Give me your thoughts? I love hearing from y'all.

XXX

Roza