Disclaimer: We don't own Kingdom Hearts, blah, blah, blah.
Author's Note: The Devil You Know will be updated very soon. I know, it's taking us forever but I'm sure most of you know how it goes. Life gets in the way of our little pleasures.
Thanks for reading and please review! We love hearing from you.
Roxas had made his choice. He was going to see Sora. His Other, his Heart, his Somebody. Now telling Axel was the hardest thing to do. In the months since he had come to the Organization, Axel had been his best friend, his lover, his confidante. Axel understood him, or at the least, he made the effort to try, and that was more than most of the other Organization members managed.
The scheming, the smiles and pats on the back with one hand, a knife stab in the back with the other, or the outright lying, those were the characteristics that defined their little society of Nobodies. Understanding had very little to do with it. Why should it, when they didn't have hearts? Most of the members didn't even make a pretense of having one, let alone showing any real emotion.
He knew he wasn't being fair. They had been a family, the thirteen of them, for better or worse, connected by a mutual cause and bound together by their heartless state. He remembered playing poker with Luxord, although he never once won a game, but he had been the only one who ever bothered, everyone else having given up playing with number X long before. He remembered Demyx trying out a new song he had written and screwing it up to the point that water had flooded the castle for weeks. He remembered both he and Zexion in the library, equally silent as they sat in the overstuffed chairs, reading books and drinking coffee. Marluxia in the greenhouse trying to get his flowers to grow without the presence of sunshine and muttering under his breath about why the even had a fucking greenhouse and the cost of sunlamps, and Xaldin in the kitchen, trying out a new cookie recipe. A thousand memories that he was making the choice to walk away from. It should've been more difficult, but it wasn't.
He was tired. Exhausted. He knew he shouldn't have been because it didn't make sense. He shouldn't be able to feel anything. But that was the point, wasn't it? He wanted to be able to feel or at least use the word in a sentence without having someone sneeringly mock the word back at him.
Sometimes Roxas thought he would scream at the distance he felt between himself and what it meant to be human. He missed it. And he didn't know why he did, seeing as how he had no real memory of his past. But still, something inside of him ached, as if the memories were buried in the void where feeling should be. It wasn't the physical affection so much. Even outside the bedroom Axel was affectionate, always swinging an arm around his shoulder, or messing with his hair, or occasionally reaching out to squeeze his hand. No, what he missed was so much more.
Feeling. Real feeling. Not the shadow of it, which made any expression of emotion into a bitter mockery, but the kind that lit up your heart until you couldn't help but have it pour out of you, like the first spring sunshine after the harshest winter, till every gesture you made radiated with it and it shone in your eyes and echoed in your smile.
The emptiness burned inside of him, a fire he couldn't quench or an icy blizzard that raged uncontrolled that froze the very core of him, where his heart was supposed to be. It was there inside of him every hour of every day, an endless pit of black and darkness that no light could penetrate, no matter how many time he made it into Axel's bed.
Every day his eyes became colder, reflecting that icy pit, until the royal blue color took on a frozen sheen. He knew it was happening, he could feel it, and this knowledge was mirrored in the eyes of the other members, some glancing at him with what might have been pity if they had still had hearts to feel, others smirking in triumph that Roxas was finally succumbing to the inevitable comprehension that pretending to feel what you didn't was futile. The darkness inside of him did in fact feel like something. Despair, touched with a very real sense of doom.
But then Riku had come. Riku, who claimed to be Sora's closest friend, had come to the Realm of Darkness looking for him so that he could make Sora whole again. Make Roxas whole again. It was what every Nobody dreamed of, to become whole, to be able to feel in truth, to become one with their hearts. Now he had the chance and he wanted to take it.
He had tried to feel guilt at his resolution to abandon the Organization to fulfill his own desires, but even if he had owned a heart, he wasn't sure he would've been capable of feeling any remorse. The Organization's goals were not his own, and if its' true intentions reflected its' nature, Roxas knew he was better off taking his chances on his own. It had already occurred to him that they needed him more than he needed them, and so, aside from Axel, and maybe Demyx, he had no regrets for his decision.
His decision to leave had luckily already been all but made when Riku had shown up, which was, in point of fact, a good thing, since Riku and Roxas didn't really see eye-to-eye, and that was putting it mildly. If his choice to leave had been based on the impression that Riku had made, he never would've considered it at all. They had tried to kill one another upon their first meeting and every subsequent meeting thereafter was filled with a tension that would have, in most cases, been solved on the battlefield.
Or in bed. But Roxas had no intention of bedding Riku. Ever. Even if Roxas hadn't been, well, the term in a relationship might have been stretching it, but even if he hadn't been sleeping with Axel, Riku was the polar opposite from the ideal bed partner. Cold, hard, dark, bitter, cynical, and slightly sadistic might have been apt descriptions for him, but for one thing. Sora. No, Riku was none of those things when it came to Sora.
They had taken to meeting on the dark beach that edged the World That Never Was. There, they sat and talked, mostly about Sora, no, only about Sora. Riku never mentioned details about himself. They never talked about how he had come to be there in the first place, how he too wielded a keyblade, a keyblade of darkness, not of light, as Roxas's own two were. They never discussed how Riku could brandish the darkness with such utter power and control that even Roxas, who had lived among the other Organization members for months, was impressed, even if he would never admit it to Riku.
What they talked about was Sora, and whenever they did, Riku's face would light up, he would smile (his eyes might have also been smiling though Roxas couldn't tell with the black blindfold always covering them) and he would laugh, honest to the gods, laugh, when he was describing some blockheaded stunt Sora had pulled. Like the time Sora had insisted that he wanted to know what it was like to fly, so he had made wings out of paper-mache and Elmer's glue and had jumped off the roof of their school, breaking an ankle and spraining an arm in the process. Or the time he had wanted to know what snow-flakes were like, so he had taken ice cubes and put them into his mother's paper shredder only to have ice chunks fly everywhere, hitting him in the head and giving him a big purple bruise in the middle of his forehead, not to mention utterly ruining the shredder and thereby getting grounded for a month. Riku would smile and laugh and gesture animatedly when telling these stories and Roxas could truly see why Sora wanted him for a best friend.
Those were the best days that Riku and Roxas spent together, the days in which they discussed Sora. But sometimes…sometimes Riku would just sit and stare at the clear black water that met the shadowed horizon. He wouldn't move or talk to him or even look at him. And when he did, when he did finally turn to look at him, Roxas always felt that he wasn't seeing Roxas, no, he was seeing Sora. A flash of warmth would light his face and a slight smile would grace his lips and for a minute, no longer, Riku would seem happy, like the kid who had grown up on Destiny Islands with his best-friend. But always eventually that look would fade, and he would finally see Roxas, a lesser version of Sora, though he never said it explicitly, the sneer that graced his mouth on those occasions telling it all.
One day it had occurred to Roxas that Riku was more than just Sora's friend, that maybe they were also lovers. It wouldn't have surprised him, with the way Riku seemed so desperate to get Sora back, but when Roxas had bluntly asked Riku if they were, Riku had shut down completely, his expression cold and his voice icy when he had curtly replied "no", with any further discussion cut off immediately.
No, it certainly wasn't Riku who was driving his decision to meet his Somebody. His decision had been made prior to their meeting, but with Riku's tales of Sora, of his Other, Roxas's decision had solidified into stone. He ached to meet Sora. To be complete. To meet the one person in the world who could make someone like Riku laugh till tears rolled down his cheeks.
Now all that was left was to say good-bye to his own best-friend. That was what Axel was, above and beyond the fact that they usually shared a bed. Axel as a friend was more important to him than having a dozen lovers, and saying good-bye was going to be painful, no matter what anyone said to him about not having a heart to feel it.
So now he was walking the familiar streets of Twilight Town in the Realm of Light, on his way to meet Axel at the clock-tower, which was situated above the train station, and where they often met to share stories of their latest missions, to eat sea-salt ice-cream while sharing a comfortable silence, or just to watch the comings and goings of the Somebodies below. His steps rang off the cobblestone pavement and the perpetual twilight, for which the town was named, painted the sky in hues of fiery reds, oranges, and golden yellows that reminded him sharply and painfully of Axel, the Flurry of Dancing Flames.
Upon reaching the train station he couldn't help craning his neck to look up at the clock, hoping to get a glimpse of Axel's legs dangling from the stone ledge that sat beneath the clock, but it was impossible to tell from his position so far down below and he continued into the building to the stone set of stairs that would take him above. The steps were steep and narrow but Roxas's nimble form climbed them with no hesitation or stumbling until he finally reached the door that opened onto the ledge of the tower.
He pushed it open and immediately his eyes landed on Axel, who was leaning back onto his forearms, his head tilted to look up at the sky, and his legs dangling over the side as Roxas had supposed. Axel didn't turn to look at him and Roxas knew that it was because Axel had already sensed his presence. Nobodies could always sense each other, as if their shared lack of hearts gave off auras or scents, and according to Riku, this was so. He claimed that he could smell the emptiness of light, light which a normal heart emitted as they also radiated darkness, of which most Somebodies were oblivious, but to Riku was just as obvious as a fingerprint.
While Axel's sense of Nobodies was no more developed than any other Nobody (a Nobody can sense another Nobody, but not specifically who that nobody is), he alleged that he could always feel Roxas. He claimed that Roxas smelled to him of sea-salt ice cream, both sweet and salty, that his presence tasted tangy on his tongue, and cool to his nose, and that warmth seemed to seep from Roxas's body till Axel could feel it radiating off of him in waves whenever he entered a room.
It seemed to be another difference Roxas had from the other Organization members. He had once asked Riku if he too felt or sensed the same from him, and Riku had reluctantly agreed that it was so, that Roxas felt different than the other Nobodies. Roxas hadn't been sure if he should be happy about that or not.
He made his way over to sit next to his friend but he didn't look at him as he sat down. Suddenly every line of his rehearsed speech sounded rehearsed and he realized that Axel deserved more than a rehearsed speech; he deserved words spoken from the heart. Of course, therein lay the crux of the problem. He didn't have one, and he wouldn't, if he didn't go do what he had resolved to.
Axel was silent, as if he knew that Roxas had something important to say to him, and his green eyes stayed locked on the sunset as Roxas finally opened his mouth to tell him what he needed to do.
"I'm leaving," Roxas said.
Axel didn't acknowledge him for a moment, but then he turned back to look at Roxas and his expression was puzzled.
"Leaving? You just got here."
Roxas shook his head. "No Axel, I'm leaving the Organization. I'm going to find my Somebody."
A long moment passed in which Axel gave him an incredulous look. "Have you gone crazy? You can't leave the Organization. No one leaves the Organization. Besides, even if you could go, how are you going to find your Somebody? Is he just going to drop from the sky?"
Roxas snorted a wry laugh. "In a manner of speaking. He is the sky. Sora is his name. My Other's name is Sora."
Axel stared at him for a moment, his tone without inflection when he finally asked, "And how do you know this?"
The blond looked away uncomfortably for a moment. "I met someone who knows him. Who knows where Sora is, he just needs me to go with him so that I can—"
"—So that you can disappear," Axel said, cutting him off and his tone was no longer flat but had now taken on an edge of heat.
Roxas's own short temper flared in response.
"I'm not going to disappear! I'm going to be whole! Isn't that what we're supposed to be doing? Isn't that what we're supposed to want? What is the goal of the whole Organization, if not to claim our hearts?"
Axel jumped up, his brow furrowed over his narrowed green eyes, red spiky hair practically bristling in anger. "Yes, that's what they want, but they have a plan on how to do it, not some cockamamie bullshit cooked up by someone you've only barely just met. Who is this guy? Did he even tell you his name?"
Roxas had stood up at the word "bullshit" and now he faced Axel, scowling as he answered. "It's not bullshit, Axel! Of course I know his name. His name is Riku, and he 's Sora's best-friend."
Something knowing passed into Axel's emerald eyes at the name, and Roxas felt the very real shadows of anger and apprehension as he saw it.
"You know him, don't you?" The words were an accusation not a question, and Axel flinched before his face went blank. He was silent, staring at Roxas, who could feel the dark edges of betrayal eating away at him.
"You know him." Now it was a statement, and the bitterness that was welling up in his throat was echoed in the questions he continued to ask. "Do you know Sora, too? How much do you know, Axel? How long have you known about him?"
"A while," came Axel's flat response.
"Damn you, Axel! How long?!"
There was silence for a moment before he answered. "Since right before Vexen and Zexion died."
"You mean, since you killed them!"
"Yes, I killed them!" Axel hissed, his face now twisted in anger. "I killed them to protect you, to protect your precious Sora. To protect the Organization. And I'd do it again!"
Roxas went quiet for a moment as he looked at the red-head. He didn't know how he had missed so much, how he had let Axel keep this from him. When almost half their number had been wiped out at Castle Oblivion he had been away on a mission. He hadn't asked many questions about it, having noticed the twisted smile on Axel's face whenever Larxene, Marluxia, Vexen, Lexaeus, or Zexion were mentioned, and Roxas hadn't liked seeing such an expression on his friend's face, so he tried to never bring it up. Or maybe deep down he hadn't really wanted to know.
He had known vaguely that Axel had been sent to deal with the traitors, had known that he had played a part in all of their deaths, but he hadn't known what it had involved. Who it had involved. He realized now that that he had probably been sent away intentionally in order to keep him away from Riku. And from Sora.
"You've known all along, haven't you, about why I have the keyblade, who I am, and why the Organization wanted me to join them. Questions I've asked many times, and yet you've kept it from me. Kept the answers deliberately from me. All for what? So you and the Organization could manipulate me?" He laughed bitterly, trying to turn away from Axel but he was stopped by the other's hands on his shoulders keeping him in place.
"I wasn't allowed to tell you. Xemnas forbade it," Axel said, and his voice was tinged with desperation as he looked down into Roxas's cold eyes, his fingers clenching and unclenching on the top of the younger boy's arms.
"Bullshit. You are so full of it! You didn't want me to know. Why, because the Organization needed me? To use me?" Roxas asked, his voice now icy and touched with contempt as he pulled away sharply from the hands holding him.
Axel's eyes flash green fire as he replies, "Fuck you, Roxas! Is that what you think? I did it for you! For you! Everything…everything was for you…is for you. You're my friend, the only thing of importance in this fucked up place. So I wanted to keep you! Is that a fucking crime?" Axel took a step toward him, looking into his eyes as he asked, "And Riku? Do you think he wants to use you any less than the Organization does? He just wants Sora back and he'll use you to get him. I want you the way you are and I'm the bad guy here? I don't want another version of you or the precious keyblade holder. I want you, not your Somebody!"
"What about what I want, Axel? Not one of you…Riku, the Organization, Xemnas…and you…not even you…have asked me what I want. Don't you see?" Roxas turned away, his back to Axel and his eyes closing for a moment before he opened them again to stare at the sunset. "Don't you see that it doesn't matter who's using me? It's all the same in the end. And that's why it has to be my choice. Who uses me doesn't matter, because it will be my choice."
"So your choice is Riku," Axel said, and his voice came out bitter.
Roxas shook his head tiredly. "No. My choice is me." He had already made it to the door by the time he heard Axel's quiet assertion.
"You can't leave, Roxas."
He snorted in disagreement. "Oh yeah? Watch me. Besides, no one would miss me."
Axel's voice echoed dimly down the stairwell after him.
"That's not true. I would."
Roxas couldn't keep the shadows of doubt from worming their way into his thoughts. He knew Riku was using him, that there was a lot that the other hadn't bothered to mention. Like why Sora had been chosen to wield the keyblade, how he had lost his heart in the first place, and how he managed to still be a Somebody while Roxas existed as a Nobody.
The questions and doubts gnawed at him like a dog with a newly acquired bone and he pressed his fingers to his temple as he looked out at the Realm of Darkness from his perch on one of the stone battlements of the castle. It would be foolish of him to trust Riku, Axel was right about that. Riku wanted Sora back no matter the cost. He kind of reminded Roxas of Axel in that way, the ends justifying the means, full steam ahead and damn the consequences. Although, what that meant for Roxas was anyone's guess.
He looked out onto the view of nothingness, only darkness and shadows visible in the gray light cast by the heart-shaped moon which hung heavy in the sky. It had begun to rain, a steady downpour that splattered off the water-proof material of his Organization cloak and soaked his blond hair, turning his pointed spikes into a mess of clumps, droplets hanging from his eyelashes.
He had more questions than answers and he was scared now, scared in a way he hadn't been before he had spoken with Axel and discovered how much his friend had been hiding from him. What if Riku wasn't for real? What if his motives weren't what they seemed and the answers to his questions were far more malevolent and dangerous to him than he had ever anticipated. Did he really want to know?
All in all, Riku was beside the point. Sora, his Other, was the point. Regardless of Riku's motives, Roxas wanted to meet Sora, to be whole again, to finally understand why he held the keyblade and what that meant for his fate.
He made his way back to his room, the white halls emitting a light that radiated no warmth, and he suppressed a shiver at the cold, his hair hanging wetly in his face and wet drops sliding down his neck, creeping beneath his cloak. His room was dark when he entered and he could only vaguely make out the shadows of his bed and the little nightstand that sat beside it. He didn't turn on the light, instead making his way over to the window and throwing back the blinds, letting the light from Kingdom Hearts fill the chamber. He turned around, intending to lie down on the bed and get a few hours' rest before he left the castle for good, but he was stopped by a hand on his shoulder turning him around so fast that he was disoriented, and he cried out as his voice was muffled by his attacker's mouth.
The familiar smoky taste of Axel made him stiffen but the other kept on kissing him, shoving his tongue roughly into his mouth over and over, twining his tongue forcefully with Roxas's until he gave a hopeless moan of surrender, his arms coming up to twine around Axel's neck. Roxas backed Axel into the nearest wall, pushing him against it as his mouth trailed from the other's mouth down to his neck, nipping and licking at the skin there. He dragged at the zipper of the red-head's cloak but it jammed and Roxas cursed as he struggled to pull it down. Axel lost patience with Roxas's fumbling, pulling up his cloak from the bottom and tossing it away, his bare chest gleaming whitely in the moonlight. He stared down at the panting Roxas for a moment, his expression unusually serious and intense before he swept the younger boy into his arms and carried him over to the bed.
His hands were characteristically impatient and almost brutal as they removed Roxas's clothing and as soon as Roxas was naked Axel flipped him onto his stomach, holding him down on the bed with one arm as he used the other to unzip his pants, pulling them down just enough to free himself. With no lubrication or preparation Axel's entry was rough and painful and Roxas cried out beneath him. Axel didn't pause, shoving roughly into Roxas over and over, strangely silent as he pumped his hips against him.
The pain started to fade as Roxas adjusted to the intrusion until eventually bolts of pleasure began to race up his spine, his erection throbbing painfully where it was trapped against the mattress. He struggled to remain silent himself, not liking the show of vulnerability while Axel remained so controlled, but he couldn't help the occasional whimpers from escaping his lips as Axel continued to piston into him. Finally, the red-head's hips became more forceful and his pace quickened.
"Come," whispered Axel above Roxas, and he switched the angle of his thrusts until they hit something inside of him that made him cry out, pounding the spot repeatedly until he was forced to muffle his shout of release into the bed. He heard Axel grunt at his own orgasm moments later and felt liquid shooting into him and then sliding out to pool between his thighs.
His lay there for a moment with Axel collapsed on top of him. His lower body began to throb unpleasantly, and when Axel pulled away, Roxas winced as sharp pain shot up his spine. The older male crawled off Roxas and rose. He heard Axel zip up his pants and then there was nothing but silence between them as he felt the other staring down at him from where he stood, hovering over the bed. Roxas wanted to turn over and face him but he was now beginning to hurt in earnest, so he closed his eyes and willfully relaxed his muscles, knowing that tension would cause the pain to increase.
The red-head finally moved to stretch out beside him on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, his upper body bare and his chest still rising and falling rapidly from his earlier exertions.
"I'm sorry," he whispered to Roxas.
"No, you're not," Roxas responded.
"Roxas—," he said, trailing off until he continued. "You're right. I'm not sorry." And Roxas knew he was no longer just talking about the rough sex.
As if confirming this Axel spoke again, his voice quiet in the stillness of the room. "I'm not sorry for anything that I've done. I would do it again in a heartbeat." He chuckled slightly at the irony of his statement. "I may not have a heart, but at least I've lived my life without any regrets."
"I know," Roxas whispered in reply and turned over slowly till he lay on his back, wincing slightly at the twinges of pain, finally managing to rise and gingerly moving off the bed. Axel leaned over, handing him some of the tissues that Roxas always kept on the nightstand which he used to wipe the mess from his stomach and between his thighs. He discarded the tissues into a nearby waste basket then rose and limped over to his discarded pants and cloak which lay beside the bed, pulling them on carefully before he opened up the nightstand, taking out a spare potion that he had shoved there for a rainy day. It looked like today was it, and he was just about to drink it down when he felt Axel lean over, grabbing his arm to halt Roxas's movement. He turned to look at his lover inquiringly.
"Don't. I want you to feel it for as long as possible. I want you to remember," Axel said, a wry twist to his mouth.
"I don't need pain to remember you, Axel."
He smirked and said, "Yeah, but it wouldn't hurt."
Roxas rolled his eyes at the pun but all the same he did as the other asked because it didn't matter one way or the other, as long as it would make Axel feel better. He could always use it later when he had already left the castle. He tucked it into his pocket then rummaged further through the nightstand again until he found his necklace, putting it on before he reached for the remaining items in the drawer.
The first was a photo of all of the Organization members, standing or crouching in motley disorder. Axel's arm was around Roxas's neck, standing to his left side, while Demyx stood on his right, his hand on the shoulder of a stoic Zexion. Marluxia smirked, Larxene scowled, Lexaeus looked bored, and Xaldin brooding. Vexen was pouting on the end, always a stickler for order and having wanted them to stand arranged by their Number. He had been overruled by practically everyone because standing in order of numbers wouldn't have made allowances for height differences, which had given Demyx the rare opportunity to tease Zexion about his short stature. Luxord looked amused at the whole thing and Xigbar was smiling at the bunny ears he made with his fingers over Saix's head. Saix stood unsmiling in the middle beside an equally unsmiling Xemnas.
Roxas closed his eyes and smiled nostalgically at the memory. While he had never been particularly fond of the Organization as a whole, for better or worse they had taken him in and he had become one of them, a family of misfits. It had been the last time that they had all been together, the events at Castle Oblivion occurring only days later.
He looked at the second item. It was a keychain in the shape of a chakram that Axel had given him. He had named it the Bond of Flame and Roxas fingered it for a moment before he stuffed both items into the pocket of his cloak. Axel watched him from the bed, unmoving and quiet.
The younger boy finally turned to look at his lover, not knowing what to say now that the time had come for him to leave. Everything he wanted to say, but couldn't, suffocated him and he closed his eyes and struggled to breathe as the words fought to be voiced.
But he didn't say them, the words were cheap and meaningless without the essence that gave life to what it meant to love, and he was aware that if he had had a heart he might have cried, but without one, his eyes remained stubbornly dry.
They flew open as Axel spoke. "You know the Organization's only going to send me after you? I'm just going to have to bring you back."
"I know," Roxas whispered and his smile was sardonic when he glanced at Axel. "So I guess there's no point in saying good-bye, is there, since we'll be seeing each other again soon." He turned away from the bed and headed for the door, walking through it without looking back.
He missed Axel's whispered words.
"Sooner than you think. I'll never let you go, Roxas. You should know that by now."
He leaves the castle, heading toward Memory's Skyscraper and the Alley to Between. He knows Riku will be waiting for him there but he has no plans to see him. He has no trust in Riku, despite the week they have spent together. Riku has been too closed, too full of secrets, for him to truly know the other boy. He thinks of Axel and wonders if you can truly ever really know someone, or if it was inevitable that the ones you thought you knew best would always surprise you, revealing the dark parts of themselves at unexpected moments.
No, he doesn't need Riku now. He knows where his Somebody is, he has gotten that much out of the gilt-haired boy. The irony that Sora is in Twilight Town, where he spends most of his free time, causes him to smile. He had thought that if he ever found where his heart resided that some kind of journey or battle would be necessary to acquire it, but no, as it turned out, his Other is almost right around the corner.
He walks with determined steps through Memory's Skyscraper but is stopped by a massive quantity of Heartless rising from the ground beneath him. Their lamp bright eyes are revealed first before their shadowy forms of inky black become distinct, along with the smell that always signifies their arrival, burnt tar stinging his nostrils. He calls both Oathkeeper and Oblivion and swings at the Neoshadows in practiced thrusts, slashing into them forcefully, causing them to dissipate until their smoky black bodies disappear into nothingness. Their numbers seem endless and Roxas continues to thrust and parry until he feels someone watching him. He takes a moment to look up at the skyscraper for which this place is named, and sees Riku standing above him, watching him fight with a smile curving his lips.
The silver-haired boy leaps down from the building, falling to the ground with the grace of a cat, swinging his own keyblade at the remaining Heartless.
When it is finally over he stands, panting lightly, and wills his keyblades away. Riku performs likewise, banishing the keyblade then pivoting lightly to look at him.
"Are you ready to meet Sora?" he asks, smiling down at him.
He stares at the older boy for a moment, his blue eyes cold as they look at him.
"I'm going to meet Sora on my own. I don't need you to be there. I don't want you there."
Riku's face becomes an expressionless mask before he asks, "What brought this on?"
He turns away from the blind-folded keyblade wielder, looking up at the moon that is Kingdom Hearts, his mind racing with questions left unanswered, fear and anger battling inside of him. He turns back toward him then, his voice steady as he replies. "I can't trust you. I know you haven't told me the whole truth. What have you been hiding Riku? Tell me. Tell me and I'll come with you."
Riku looks at him and there is no warmth left in his face or voice when he answers. "You'll come if I tell you the truth? Don't be a fool, Roxas. You're looking for an excuse to run away. Either you want to come with me or you don't. Telling you what you want to hear won't change that."
He makes a sound of impatience and frustration before he speaks again and the words are gritted from between clenched teeth. "I'm sick of everyone always keeping secrets from me! What the hell is so important that you can't tell me?"
"Are you afraid, Roxas? Afraid to be whole again? Maybe you like it here in the dark. You like it here in your angst-ridden world. Sora wouldn't be afraid. Sora wouldn't hesitate. You're his Nobody. Surely there's a piece of him in you somewhere?"
He is so very close to calling his keyblades back and impaling Riku with them but he manages to restrain himself (barely), taking a deep breath, his voice is strained with repressed anger as he speaks. "Damn you Riku, tell me! How did Sora lose his heart?" How did I come to exist?
He feels Riku tense, and knows that he's touched something important. He knows but he won't tell me, he thinks not for the first time. Riku crosses his arms and turns to face him as he says in the mocking tone with which he has become familiar, "Why should I explain myself to you? You're not even supposed to exist."
Without meaning to, the words pierce through him, lifeless blades, their digging pain is muted and voiceless, only a vague existence. Anger is welling up now, is brimming past excess, and he wants nothing more than to pound Riku into the bitter pavement lying beneath them both. Damn you Riku! Don't I have the right to exist? Don't I have the right to choose?
The icy rain is falling softly, tapping on his bared skin, but the cold doesn't touch him, he has been frozen for days. He knows that he must fight, but all the same he wants to pierce that remorseless exterior that Riku has always possessed in his presence.
He is the nonentity, an obstruction to Sora's existence that Riku views as the cheap imitation, the unnatural bi-product of the real version. He doesn't need to be reminded that he isn't whole, complete, or connected. Frost coated resentment fills that void in his chest and he knows that he must fight Riku if he ever wants to meet Sora.
He charges at him, because no truth at this point will bear any influence over his conviction. Succinctly arcing cuts thrust at Riku, their vehement fervor beating and slashing. His heart races in strong steady beats to the rhythm of his blade, and Riku is meeting him blow for blow. He jumps into the distorted shadows, darkness, he knows this place, and his blade is moving in synchrony with his quick movements. He must defeat Riku, if only to become whole, to choose his own path. Choice. So simple and complex. Do Nobodies have the right to choose? For a brief moment he feels desperation claw at that void, the essence of emotion, and his blows become powered with it, and Riku is falling, crouched form tired, breathing rapidly.
He wants to know the truth, will spare Riku if he tells him. That icy cold is still there, lingering in holes, in places that have yet to be filled. "What happened to Sora to cause my existence?" He points his keyblade at the pale-faced boy, his rigid exterior coiled and ready to spring, and he senses that he has once again touched a memory of vital significance. He can feel it, thriving in tangibility, its glutinous weight hovering in perforations that were effortlessly perceived, and he can sense that Riku doesn't want him to know.
"What are you afraid of Riku?" His blade is no longer pointing, and Riku slowly stands, proudly erect, confident in the supercilious façade he uses to veil the essential truth from the Nobody standing before him. He looks at Riku and for a moment he feels triumph in the knowledge that he is correct, that Riku is the one who is afraid, before the feeling fades and the only thing left is the question itself.
The older boy gestures with his hands, silver hair glinting blue and violet in the secluded shadows as he scoffs, "Afraid? Why would I be afraid when I hold the power of darkness in these hands?" The potency of power Riku is exuding leaves his own gut twisting taut in rigidity, but he refuses to illustrate his anxiety with expression.
Irritation evolves at his momentary vacillation, tightening in him a fiercely erupting resolve. He must remain strong and unflinching. "Aren't you? Isn't that why you don't want me to know the truth about Sora?" Riku frowns visibly, and he can feel the impressions of grief undulating in thick streams around the shrouded figure. He has once more stirred the underlying shadow of something, of sorrow and regret perhaps, although he is not sure, and the feeling emanates from the other as the darkness coalesces around his form in an effort to hide the reaction from him.
Shady apparitions are shifting in the dim shadows of inflexibly solid-structured buildings, observing from a secure distance, waiting to ambush at a moments' debility.
Long and wispy strands of black and blue swirl and drift slowly up and off Riku's murkily indistinct form, before evaporating into thin air leaving behind the faded lines of a mocking smirk.
"How about you, Sora? Aren't you really just afraid of losing?"
"I'm me!" He bursts out in a show of impulsive anger as he runs forward, fury and resentment straining for relief as he thrusts his raging blades into hollow spaces, effortlessly deflecting the dark flame that bursts from Riku's hand as he tries to repel the oncoming onslaught of his quick destructive blows. His palpitating heart is accelerating in anticipation, throbbing in coordinated harmony to the beating rhythm of his keyblades, knowing that its next downward stroke will cut deep wounds, leaving red where there was once white. He will defeat Riku and find his unquestionable truth in Sora. "You can't defeat me, no matter how much you try!"
Riku scarcely manages to avert his crying blow, jumping a distant expanse away, before saying, "I guess so. Looks like I have to do it."
"Do what?" Twines of black and blue thread around Riku's still form, roping in thick chords that slowly envelope his body.
"The power sitting in my heart…" He says as he slowly removes his blindfold. "…the power suppressed by my heart. If I were to be someone else…"
An explosion of blue and black shrouds and coats Riku's form, enveloping him in thick inky blackness opening up and eventually dissipating to reveal a white-haired man with a dark demon-like creature moving in writhing motions on his back, with its arms crossed over its chest.
Alarmingly, the floating figure flashes before him, orange eyes piercing, and before he can react the demon standing behind the white-haired man is clutching him in its strong and crushing hands. He feels his ribs collapse from the forceful pressure, he cannot breathe and his arms feel weightless as his keyblades drop from his hands with an audible clank to the ground.
No! Black dots obscure his vision as the one before him becomes a hazy shadow, distorted. The darkness is closing in, its contents suffocating his lungs as he loses himself, fading in and out of consciousness.
The last thing he sees before he passes out of consciousness completely is Riku, still in the form of the tall, dark, white-haired man, leaning over him.
He presses a glove to the fallen Nobody's cheek, reluctant sorrow evident in his orange gaze.
"I'm sorry Sora, but I can't lose you again. I won't. You understand, don't you?"
And all was darkness.
He's walking through the data-made (fucking fake) Twilight Town, his mouth twisting into a smirk as he watches Roxas cross the marketplace behind his three friends; a waddling overweight kid with a stupid aerobics headband and red jersey, a rebel-without-a-cause wannabe in military combat pants, and a goody-two-shoes Pollyanna-type girl. He manages to suppress a sneer as he watches his former best-friend and lover exchange high-fives with the kid in the camo pants before he laughs at something the other has said.
I can't fucking believe it! This is not MY Roxas!
His Roxas was special, different from the rest of the masses of people who go about their humdrum lives, never aware that there is more to the world than their mundane and pathetic existence. A sardonic expression crosses his face as he thinks about what Roxas would've replied to such an observation.
Well, at least they exist.
He can't argue with that. Still, Roxas is trapped in a world that doesn't allow for existence or non-existence, and the worst part about it is, Roxas doesn't even realize it. His Roxas was always going on about having the choice to decide for himself, and he is pretty sure that Roxas hadn't signed up for this gig voluntarily, in which case, he is doing him a favor by taking him back to the Organization.
He follows the friends to the train station and watches as they climb the stone stairs to the same ledge that he and Roxas used to sit on, and then it is there, the dim shades of feelings that he idly identifies as bitterness, seeping into him as he watches Roxas take the offered sea-salt ice cream from the girl. The sour taste of bitterness lingers as he notices that some things about Roxas will never change.
He thinks about the last time they were together, about the lies and the deceit, the measures that he had taken to keep Roxas safe, only to have him end up here, in this miserable nightmare of a phony town. He thinks about the stone-faced look Roxas had given him before he walked out of his room. And he thinks that while Roxas may have had the option to leave, to become Someone, he has never had a choice, because even though he doesn't have a heart, his only chance of ever having one rests with the boy in front of him.
He waits across from the train station for hours until the friends climb back down the stairs and finally Roxas waves good-bye to them. He looks at the familiar blond spiky hairs and at the big blue eyes and thinks, what's the point of finding my heart if I don't have you? What the hell good would it do me? What the fuck would I use it for? Fuck that, I won't lose you.
He moves to face Roxas.