Entry and Exit

by Sei-chan-1999

Kamui remembered how they would all sit together at the table with the books; entering, changing and exiting the world of each story as the nights rang with their laughter and arguments. But as time passed, the worlds began to change him too. (SubKam)

Title: Entry and Exit

By: Sei-chan-1999/ Darkest Symphony

Summary: Kamui remembered how they would sit together at the table with the books; entering, changing and exiting the world of each story as the nights rang with their laughter and arguments. But as time passed, the worlds began to change him too.

Warning: Rated M for some sexuality and adult themes. This is SubKam.

Disclaimer: I don't own Clamp or their characters and story lines. If I did, I'd have 21 happy volumes on my shelf instead of a sad 18.

XXX

"I still don't know anything about you," Kamui confesses, during one of the evenings he spends at Subaru's apartment after school. Their relationship has transcended mere politeness and Kamui feels like there's more affection in it now, even if it's still painfully restrained by the other's formality. It frustrates him.

"Then ask me," Subaru says and he drops into the sofa next to Kamui (since there's nowhere else to sit otherwise in his painfully unfurnished residence) but he maintains a respectful distance.

"To start with, I don't even know your age-," the teenager begins awkwardly.

"Twenty five."

Kamui can't hide his shock quite well enough and Subaru tilts his head to catch his expression.

"What did you think?"

"You look far younger."

"I've been told."

Kamui shakes his head to clear the mortified whispers of 'nine years older than you' in his mind and opens his mouth again.

"Your family," he continues, "What exactly you do for a living, how long you've been here and I don't know anything except for the worst things that have happened to you. And I don't want that, because there's more to you than your past."

"Do you believe so?" Subaru asks and Kamui nods fervently. He anxiously wonders if he's being too forward.

"All right," Subaru admits after a short silence and turns to him, "Then what about you, Kamui? What little I know about your life was through a violation of your mind."

"I'll tell you everything then," Kamui says softly and when Subaru looks surprised he adds, "I trust you."

The Sumeragi seems to consider that carefully for minute or so but apparently reaches a resolution because he stands, a decision clearly made.

"Will you stay for dinner?" he asks and Kamui starts.

"What?"

"We can talk then," Subaru explains, "Is that all right? I'll come with you afterward for that game your friend wanted to play."

Kamui smiles and hopes he isn't flushing.

"Thank you, Subaru."

XXX

"As the train pulls out of the station and the sun sets in the sky, Character 6 nervously walks up to Character 5 and shyly admits that she's always been in love with him. Before her courage deserts her, she stands on her toes and kisses Character 5."

There was an awkward silence and a few blank stares were exchanged.

"Who was Character 6 again?" Kamui asked nervously, waiting for acknowledgment from someone but there was nothing.

"I'll check!" Yuzuriha volunteered, grabbing the book out of Arashi's hands and flipping to the last few pages, where they had lightly penciled their names against the numbers.

"It's Subaru san!" she read, her eyes going wide.

"Not possible," Kamui immediately countered and then cursed himself for doing it so quickly, "Character 6 is clearly a 'she'."

"That's true," Sorata agreed, "But we were running a player short so Subaru san agreed to be Character Six as well as Character Two last time."

"I forgot," Kamui admitted and then frowned, "Who's Character 5 then?"

"The most desirable man in the world, of course!" Sorata yelled, half-leaping out of his seat and gesturing wildly at himself. Kamui groaned, sticking his fingers into his eyes to keep his eager imagination from creating the described scene. Too late.

Even Yuzuriha looked positively disturbed by the thought.

Arashi, meanwhile, sighed in quiet relief. Character 3 had finally lost her over-enthusiastic stalker.

"It's too bad Subaru san isn't here tonight," Sorata commented, looking around the dining table. There were three empty chairs and apart from the yellow light shining down on them from above, the rest of the house was in total darkness, "I would have liked to see his face at that."

"I don't think Sumeragi san would have cared," Arashi pointed out, "He was more worried that Character 6 wouldn't survive the blast in the old mine."

"But I swept her up in my arms and carried her to safety!" Sorata declared proudly, standing up again and causing the heavy table to lurch. Arashi steadied it with her hands while wincing at his noise.

"Him," Yuzuriha corrected, but she was grinning from ear to ear, "Kamui san, make sure you tell Subaru san what happened the next time you meet at school, okay?"

"I'm sure he'll be thrilled," Kamui replied darkly. Character 5 had accidentally killed his own player three chapters ago.

"Don't be like that, Kamui!" Sorata soothed, "If you want, you can be Character 6! I'm sure Subaru san will be all right with it."

As the train pulls out of the station and the sun sets in the sky, Character 6 nervously walks up to Character 5 and shyly admits that she's always been in love with him. Before her courage deserts her, she stands on her toes and kisses Character 5.

"I prefer to stay dead," Kamui said with a shudder and from the corner of his eye, he caught Arashi trying to hide her smile behind a hand.

Sorata pretended to look mortally injured for a second but then smirked and seized the book.

"Character 5 can now (a) slap her across the face, (b) kindly reject her advances (c) confess his own growing affection for her," he read and looked promptly horrified, "Why on earth would I ever slap Subaru-san?"

"It's not Subaru, it's just a stupid character in the story!" Kamui protested. Truth be told, Sorata's ability to blur the line between reality and fiction in such a ridiculous game unnerved him to no end.

"I'll go with the second one," Sorata announced while Yuzuriha giggled uncontrollably, "My heart still yearns for Character 3. I can't abandon her."

Kamui groaned loudly, saving Arashi the trouble of doing it herself.

"I'm sorry, Subaru san," Sorata continued passionately, addressing an invisible person in the empty chair beside him, "Please understand that it's nothing to do with you. I can't deceive you like this. Save your affection for someone who deserves it."

"Will you trade characters with me?" Akashi asked Kamui, ignoring Sorata.

"I'm not alive," Kamui said slowly, murderously. Four days since it'd happened and they still couldn't remember.

"I'm aware," Arashi muttered and leaned over to snatch the book from Sorata's hands.

XXX

The sun is setting behind them the next time they're working together. It's a luminous orange globe that has almost ended its fiery descent for the day and the light stains Kamui's writing on the pages of his notebook, making him stop.

Sitting across from him Subaru is flipping through another of his texts thoughtfully and doesn't seem to have noticed the time passing.

Kamui pulls himself out of his schoolwork for a moment to relish the scene. It's quiet, serene even, with none of his usual discomfort and anxiety clouding the space between Subaru and him and he enjoys the silence of spending time with a friend who understands.

And then, his mind goes on a rampage and the unthinkable happens.

"As the train pulls out of the station and the sun sets in the sky, Character 6 nervously walks up to Character 5 and shyly admits that she's always been in love with him. Before her courage deserts her, she stands on her toes and kisses Character 5."

Kamui bursts out laughing before he can suppress it and Subaru looks up, surprised out of his reading.

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," Kamui blurts out, "Just give me a moment."

Like that, all the nervousness and painful self-awareness is back. Being with Subaru is a torturous exercise in cognitive control; he's always evaluating himself from two points of view at once and it makes functioning around the older man harder than it already is. His body forgets how many times it's supposed to blink in a minute and how to breathe at a normal pace and he's suddenly left in charge of managing those supposedly involuntary functions too as logic, self-control and rationality dive out of a trapdoor in his mind.

"What happened?" Subaru asks and Kamui bites his lip.

"Yuzuriha asked me to tell you that Character 6 survives the explosion and that she just proposed to Character 5."

For a moment, Subaru looks like how Kamui imagines he would had Sorata actually slapped him across the face that day but seconds later the shock vanishes and he's smiling ever so slightly as it all comes together.

"Is that so?"

"More like sexually assaulted him, though," Kamui admits, closing his books and capping his pen before pushing them to the center of the table. It's gone cold.

"Character 6 is really a demonically possessed mix of all of us," Kamui explains, "You're not there when we play, so most of the time one of us decides what's going to happen to you."

"And what did Arisugawa kun do then?" Subaru asks and Kamui searches his expression to see if he's being gently teased but there's genuine curiosity in those green-grey eyes.

"He had the option of slapping you, politely rejecting you, or falling in love with you," Kamui recalls, (and why are his own eyes so dry suddenly?) "But he chose to honestly reject you since he's still in love with Character 3."

"That's good, then."

The smile's still there and he seems at complete peace with the resolution that's been put forward.

Kamui looks down at his shoes for an instant before lifting his head to frown at the sky again, but the sun is really dipping below the horizon now and it's getting harder to see. He can make out a few faint stars coming to life in the distance and the world is that unearthly mixture of blue and orange, throwing everything into the not-quite shadows of twilight.

That's what makes Subaru what he is, Kamui muses vacantly as a breeze sends the leaves around them rustling. The ability to openly accept anything and respect it at face value, no matter how insignificant or ridiculous it turns out to be. Like Kamui himself, for instance.

At the same time, Subaru possesses the rare grace to face his own dark past and stay unbroken. What others call a depressed resignation is really a quiet defiance of his own; the strength that allows him stay alive and still put others before himself without giving into baser instincts like rage or crippling grief.

He stares back at Subaru and all of a sudden, he doesn't care about how fast he's breathing or that his heart is racing out of control.

"I love you," Kamui says quietly and Subaru looks up.

XXX

"You owe me, Sorata san," Yuzuriha cheerfully said that evening as Kamui cleared their plates after dinner, "I kept the book longer just for you and now I have to pay a fine at the library."

"Ow," the monk muttered, looking worried, "But don't worry, Yuzu-chan, I'll take care of it for you!"

"Wasted his allowance on junk food again," Arashi said to Kamui who nodded distractedly, "Is Sumeragi san visiting us today?"

"He's busy," Kamui said (and damn it, just like last time that was too fast), "I think there was a job or something he had to complete."

He swallowed hard. They hadn't spoken since his clumsy confession and he'd berated himself over a thousand times already for having been such a phenomenal idiot and maybe driving away the first person who'd been able to make him feel-

"But I got a new book!" Yuzuriha piped up, holding the battered novel, "And this one should be fun since it's gotten an even higher rating!"

"You're fourteen," Kamui said, finally remembering to place everything he was holding in the sink, "That book is for sixteen and above."

"Don't be so virtuous, Kamui," Sorata protested, "At least try to stay alive for more than four chapters this time."

"And they also help you with your English," Yuzuriha added, "You'll see in a while."

Kamui shrugged. At the very least, this new catastrophe would get his mind off the other messes he had created in the last few days.

"Let's play," Arashi said and pulled out a chair. They all followed suit.

XXX

He knows Subaru's classes by heart now so he mentally calculates when the onmyouji will most likely be at their usual meeting place. As soon as his own teacher laves after a particularly trying Economics class, Kamui slips out during the commotion of thirty or so students enjoying their short lived salvation before the next session.

He walks down three flights of stairs and leaves the block quickly, avoiding any wandering teachers lest he be questioned about his activities.

He's out of breath by the time he finds Subaru and that makes him want to laugh at the sick humor of it all. The savior of the world can jump on and off skyscrapers but doesn't have enough stamina to jog a few hundred meters.

When he sees Kamui approaching, Subaru puts out his cigarette and waits expectantly, but that's all. A slightly irrational part of Kamui's mind notices his clothes; he's wearing black jeans today, there's a silver watch on his wrist and the shirt could certainly use an iron but he looks the way he always does. Kamui doesn't know whether to be scared or comforted by that.

"Sit down," Subaru says first, cutting off Kamui before he can even start. And that's how he knows that this is going to be a serious talk because Subaru has chosen to neatly ignore the very obvious fact that Kamui is missing class for this.

Kamui drops his bag to the leafy ground and sits down on a stone bench slowly, conscious of the fact that Subaru is watching his every movement.

"I want to apologize for what I said last time," he bursts out before Subaru can say anything, "It was disrespectful and I'm sorry. I understand if you're angry and I'll accept it if you want to stop meeting me."

There's a heavy and dead silence after that, but something tells Kamui that he's done the right thing, as much as it hurts to admit it.

Subaru just regards him steadily for what feels like a long time and the way he does it makes Kamui want to squirm, but he holds that gaze and waits for the inevitable.

"Then we'll say no more about it," Subaru says at last and gestures somewhere to the side, "You should get back to class, Kamui. And we can meet here the next time you're free."

Kamui nods once, relief making him nearly lightheaded as he stands, slinging his bag over his shoulder. His reaction feels unjustified because this whole thing is like the conclusion to a particularly stiff business meeting but he's so glad.

"I just have one last thing to say," he says and this is a terrible, terrible idea but he has to.

"What is it?"

Subaru stands up too and Kamui registers that he's grown because their height difference isn't as prominent as before. Subaru is at the perfect level for him to just lean up and-

"I don't take back what I said," Kamui says firmly, "I apologize, but I still mean it and I won't lie to you now. But I want you to know that I don't expect anything from you."

He turns and starts to walk back to class, his face burning, but is totally unprepared for when Subaru grabs him by the arm and roughly spins him around.

"I thought you told me to go back to class," Kamui says as steadily as he can.

"No, Kamui" Subaru says and the leaden weight he puts in those two words is terrifying, "We need to resolve this right now."

Kamui only remembers faint pieces of their argument later. He recalls trying to control his temper and Subaru calmly explaining something but the words are all missing or blurred. They'd reached some sort of a impasse but he doesn't remember what and neither does Subaru. Even now he can't actually believe it happened but if it hadn't, nothing in their relationship after that would have taken place, so by logic, it did.

Kamui just knows that after the confrontation, he'd managed to go back to class, totally shaken, and there'd been school, a visit to Keiichii and finally, a rising dragon and a falling building.

...Kneeling as he wept and struggled to hold up Subaru, whose life's blood had been leaking all over Kamui's filthy hands. Those scarred hands that could do nothing for the world but sin against anyone who came close to him.

XXX

"Character 1 manages to start the car and drive away just as the first bullet cracks the windshield."

"I'm dead," Kamui said, "Don't even bother finishing it, Arashi."

"However, he then loses control of the vehicle and tries to-"

"Definitely dying. And it's chapter six. That's a new record for me, at least."

"-Character 2 helps him regain his balance but the next bullet-"

"That's it, I'm leaving," Kamui huffed but Subaru discreetly rested a hand on his wrist. For Kamui, that single touch was pure electricity, not to mention just as effective as an iron shackle. He reluctantly sat down again and Karen shot him a knowing smile from her seat.

"-hits Character 2 in the back of his skull, killing him instantly."

Kamui froze.

"What?"

"You can never predict the endings," Subaru said and lifted a hand as if to rub his eyes but caught himself in time and dropped it.

"But you're Character 2! You're dead!" Kamui said indignantly, "Why are you so passive about it?"

"But you can decide what you want to do now, Kamui kun," Aoki Seichirou said and took the book from Arashi so he could scan the options, "Does your character (a) keep driving, (b) face the pursuers with his own gun, (c) crash the car into the pursuers?"

"But Subaru-!"

"I think Kamui san is really excited," Yuzuriha was seriously telling Karen, "He's never gotten this far alive into the story before."

"Calm down," Sorata called to him from across the table and he looked sincerely worried, "It's just a game in a book."

The fact that it was Sorata reminding him to stay rooted in reality made it all the more worse.

XXX

They made love for the first time in Subaru's apartment a few days later. For a week after it happened Kamui felt alienated and like a stranger in his own body. He wished he hadn't been trembling so much at the time but Subaru's bed was right underneath the air conditioning unit and it was his first experience after all.

He'd been lying on his back, Subaru working the jeans off his waist-

"Don't!"

Kamui bolted upright and seized Subaru's shoulder to stop him, but it was too late. He should've remembered sooner that there was a badly healed hole on his thigh; that a dirty drain pipe had been shoved through one side and pushed out the other. And now that he wasn't totally intoxicated by a sensory overload of pleasure, he remembered that his body was littered with the many entry and exit wounds no mortal should have survived.

Reminders that he wasn't quite as human as the rest of them.

"You didn't want me to see that," Subaru says and releases Kamui, who slides backwards and pulls up his pants to salvage what little modesty he has left.

"No one should have to," he hastens to explain, but the words aren't fitting properly because they're a mix of too many dangerous feelings; Kamui's own shame at what was done to him, his vulnerability at the thought of sexual intimacy as well as the fear that he would be mocked or pitied, with raging anger at how transparent he really is and turbulent desperation at the fact that he can never escape his identity for long.

"I want to use a bandage," Kamui asks shakily, "To cover them all. Just this once."

"You don't have to-"

"Subaru, please."

"I'm not-"

"Please."

He watches Subaru run a hand through his dishevelled hair.

"I just don't want to be reminded of anything else when I'm with you," Kamui says carefully at last, "I won't let everything in my life be haunted by what I've lost or what I've promised to do."

He sees shock flash across Subaru's face at that before his features relax again and he breathes out.

"There's a first aid kit in the bathroom," he says at last and points. Kamui kisses him softly on the mouth before he gets up to leave.

XXX

"Character 2 and Character 6..." Arashi's voice trailed off and she read the rest of the paragraph soundlessly.

"What is it, Arashi san?" Yuzuriha eagerly asked, tugging the book out of her grasp, "Tell us all."

"Do not let him see it," Arashi hissed but Yuzuriha was already reading aloud.

"Character 2 and Character 6, having survived together, are wedded in a spectacular ceremony before their loved ones and family. In two years, Character 6 gives birth to a beautiful baby girl who inherits her supernatural ability and together, they live happily ever after."

Kamui braced himself for the loud racket he was sure Sorata was going to make but it never came. Instead, the older boy was solemn, glancing concernedly at Arashi from his seat.

"That okay with you, Missy?"

And then, Kamui was sure that their reality was nothing more than a Sakurazukamori's illusion or a Dreamweaver's vision, because Arashi just looked at him and quietly whispered 'Yes.'

XXX

He can't reach up as well as before so Subaru accommodates, leaning down, and Kamui caresses his face as well as he can in the dark. Considering his lack of grace Kamui considers it a miracle that he doesn't take out the man's other eye in the process.

"You're laughing," the Sumeragi breathes and Kamui nods, turning his head for a quick kiss.

"I'm enjoying this," he whispers back and it's true. He's immersed in nothing but this very moment and even the pain of his more recent injuries isn't able to distract him.

"I can take more of your weight," Kamui insists as Subaru strokes his hair, but winces when his broken rib is tested.

They have to switch on the lights briefly to take off Kamui's clothes. Subaru then undresses himself quickly before sliding between the sheets again.

"The others might hear us here," Kamui says and moves to lie on top of him; intertwining their fingers, entangling legs and placing his head over Subaru's heart to feel each steady beat, "We should have gone to your apartment."

"You're falling asleep," the Sumeragi dryly notes, "I don't even know if I have one anymore."

"I'm sorry-"

Subaru hushes him and they stay like that for a while, just breathing and exchanging loving yet teasing touches.

When they can't restrain any longer, Subaru lays Kamui back on the scattered pillows and ravages his mouth until the teenager is breathless under him. Then he leans in closer, drawing a long wet stroke up Kamui's neck with his tongue. Subaru observes that Kamui doesn't jerk away from that contact the way he used to but pleasantly relaxes against him instead. He wraps his legs around Subaru's waist to force him lower, closer, the message clear.

"Kamui-?"

"Yes."

He gently disengages himself to slowly run his hands down Kamui's abdomen and between his legs as he tries to figure out the mechanics of how they'll accomplish this with as little pain as possible. He concentrates on the sensitive areas and watches Kamui shift and arch in the darkness as he struggles and cries out like something fighting to be set free. Midway through, Subaru's fingers brush up against a rough piece of gauze that's been taped down to a thigh.

"You don't need this anymore," he says, hooking a finger underneath and starting to remove the bandage, "Do you?"

"Not tonight," Kamui admits softly and Subaru tears it off and tosses the curling piece aside, before lifting the teenager into his lap.

"Tell me if I'm hurting you," he urges, readying himself, and Kamui closes his eyes.

XXX

"You have a death wish."

Sorata said it when Kamui brought the book to the table after dinner. It was Yuzuriha's first day back after the most recent earthquake but apart from slightly reddened eyes and a few scrapes, she looked the same as before. True to her nature the sight of the novel in its worn library binding made her break out into a beaming grin. Subaru sat down beside her and she leaned against him as Sorata joined them.

"I missed all of you," was all she said, however, and Arashi smoothed her ruffled hair.

They entered an alternate universe; a dystopian story full of Neo-Nazis, teen hackers, and conflicted scientists.

Kamui lost his life within the first twelve minutes of the game and he sat back to watch them argue, laugh softly and play, wishing that someone would take a photo of just that one instant before it was all taken away from him forever.

XXX

It's taken from him.

Kamui doesn't know when it all begins to unravel because he is helpless and alone in a dark world of suffocating sleep. Exhausted, his uninjured arm is curled over Subaru's waist and he breathes steadily against the older man's neck, unaware of the words that are whispered only to him in the dead of night.

"I love you."

If he'd been awake, Kamui would have wondered if the feeling was for real. If the older man really means it or if they are simply words too powerful for mere attraction. Or maybe a sweet lie the Sumeragi was practicing out loud.

Despite all of that, Kamui would've thankfully accepted it.

No matter how wrong their romance is. No matter how impossible.

And that's why it's all taken from him.

All too soon.

XXX

There are no more games after that. Not as much laughter either.

Fate does not allow them such luxuries anymore.

XXX

He enters the room long after he knows the other man has left it forever. Still, a part of him foolishly hopes that the Sumeragi is still seated on the armchair, waiting, though there is nothing left for him anymore.

The room is empty, the armchair unoccupied except for a few splashes of blood on the cushions. The curtains are open and fluttering wildly, bathing the dusty place in a dead evening light.

Kamui walks to the windows and pulls the glass sliders shut, fixing them with latches. He tugs the curtains together and collapses into the chair himself, feeling so tired that he wants to curl up like a cat and never wake up again. He feels slightly ill after all the panic on the bridge and more than that...used. His body is now one of the few things in this world that bears the touches and memories of a man who is now a ghost. Kamui rests his head on the armrest and doesn't move for a long while, but time is running out.

That's why he sits up, forces himself to flick on a lamp and slowly opens the book that rests on his legs. This isn't one of those games, thank God, but a normal book where he has no say in the plot, the characters' actions and how it ends. Now he knows that Yuzuriha was right. Those ridiculous stories and his past classes with Subaru have acted as a bridge he didn't even realize he was crossing until he was over to the other side. Today, he sees that the words and their meanings come to him faster than they had ever before and his eyes burn.

There are still too many things to do here. Enemies to meet. Friends to lose. A world to salvage. Wishes to be hunted and granted.

But until then, for a few wonderful hours, Kamui is lost from this Universe and enters the pages of another.

He endures each time because he believes he'll return stronger.

THE END

XXX

Author's Notes:

A fic that's a strange mixture of interactive novels, intercourse and my irrationality in changing tenses. I don't know. Tell me what you think in the reviews? It's a style I'm experimenting with and I feel like there's still something missing. But that's SubKam as a pairing for you.

I tried writing this story since I miss my OTP and wanted practice in writing intimacy. I'm also officially done with school now! :) This piece tries to show Subaru and Kamui's dissimilarities in the way they handle life events through the development of a romantic relationship; Subaru takes everything lying down and tolerates pain (poorly). Kamui fights and gets hurt but tries to empower himself each time. Add to that the magic of books and their loving not-quite family of Dragons and here you go.

On an unrelated note, I think I'm growing as a writer since my older works are now embarrassing me and I hope to bring you even better stories soon once I'm in practice again!

Chat with me, drop a comment, ask a question, leave a request or yell at me...all in the reviews! Have a wonderful day, my lovely readers.