Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide The Day
Segway Segment: The Wade Report
SEASON 1
EPISODE 14
Airdate: June 21, 2013
Title: Three Boys And A House
SCENE 1
The MacDougal Household
Seattle, Washington
Interior Living Room
It's a Friday night and the boys (minus Sparky) are in the living room watching TV.
WADE: RK, did you take my Skittles?
RK: Yes, but...
WADE: Where did you learn to do this?
(scared) RK: What?
WADE: Answer me, dammit!
RK: You, alright? (pause) I learned it by watching you!
(Wade looks disappointed)
(looking at the camera) BUSTER: People who steal candy have friends who steal candy.
(coming from upstairs) SPARKY: OK, Jay, I'll be there soon. No, I'm not buying you another sweater! (hangs up phone)
RK: Was that Jaylynn?
SPARKY: Yeah. We're going to have a sleepover this weekend. Alright, boys, go home.
BUSTER: Why? Disney Channel is airing re-runs of JONAS tonight!
SPARKY: Then just watch it in your own home.
BUSTER: Yeah, but your house has the best feng shui.
WADE: Can't argue with that, Sparks.
RK: Your house is the king's castle.
SPARKY: Look, you guys aren't going to be in charge of my house.
BUSTER: Oh, that's nice. You don't think your own friends can keep your house in shape.
WADE: Well, we don't have a very good track record. Remember the parrot incident?
APRIL 16, 2013
WADE: Oh no, Sparky, Twizzlers is doing just fine. Yeah, he's not saying anything dirty.
TWIZZLERS: Squawk, (bleep) Sparky. He can lick my (bleep) balls. Squawk, need more crack. Gotta have that crack. Need more crack so I can plow my girlfriend and give her a good time.
BUSTER: We shouldn't have watched that dirty movie!
RK: It only said there was MILD profanity!
SPARKY: Wade, when I come back from Olympia, you're freaking dead!
WADE: The number you've dialed has been disconnected. Goodbye.
PRESENT-DAY
RK: OK, well, we were kids back then.
SPARKY: That was two months ago!
RK: We ate at Taco Bell that night?
SPARKY: Get out, guys.
WADE: Sparky, look, if things go bad, I'll be the responsible one.
SPARKY: I CAN trust you the most.
BUSTER: Hey, I'm your best friend. If anything happens, I'll be the first to tell you.
SPARKY: I don't know...
RK: Hey, I know how to enforce the rules. I can be the sheriff.
WADE: Maybe I should be the sheriff tonight.
SPARKY: I don't CARE who the sheriff is! I can't believe I'm saying this, but you guys are in charge of my house.
BUSTER: YES!
RK: ALRIGHT!
WADE: THAT'S SOME COLD MEDINA, NIGGA! COLD MEDINA!
(long pause)
SPARKY: Yeah, uh-huh. But if ANYTHING is broken, messed-up, burned, or forever destroyed, I'll take my shotgun and blow your brains into oblivion.
BUSTER: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you'll kill three little kids and go to jail getting violated by older men, heard it all. Have fun with Jaylynn.
RK: Yeah, dude, we got this.
WADE: Don't drink and drive, stupid!
(the door slams shut on Sparky)
SPARKY: I've just been kicked out of my own house. No, nothing strange about that.
SCENE 2
The MacDougal Household
Seattle, Washington
Interior Living Room
(Buster and Wade are watching JONAS)
RK: Hey guys, want to play catch-22 catch? It's the game that nobody ever wins.
WADE: RK, you can't play catch-22 catch with THAT ball!
RK: Why not? It looks cool.
WADE: That ball was signed by Barry Bonds in 2000 and given to Sparky by his dad for his eighth birthday.
RK: Fine. And I know we're pretty late on this, but this is as much recognition as Barry Bonds deserves. (gives an "I know something you don't" look to the camera) What episode are you guys watching?
BUSTER: The one where Nick, Joe, and Kevin's parents leave for vacation and they're home alone.
JOE: Guys, let's get this party started with a round of smoothies BEFORE dinner.
KEVIN: That's both risky AND exciting. I'm in.
RK: Hey, we should do that.
WADE: Smoothies BEFORE dinner? Dude, that's pretty extreme.
RK: Well, it's not like anything else is going to happen tonight.
BUSTER: He's got a point, you know.
WADE: RK, fire up those blenders.
RK: YES! I just hope this recipe does better than when I worked at that restaurant.
NINE MONTHS AGO...
RK: I just don't understand why I'm being fired.
OWNER: Your stupid cherry banana smoothie killed nine people and poisoned six more!
RK: Come on now, you're just overreacting.
CUSTOMER: Somebody help me, I'm going to puke! (puking)
CUSTOMER #2: I feel like Hell! (puking)
CUSTOMER #3: Why didn't I go to community college? (puking)
(the owner stares at RK angrily)
RK: Do you think they would take a check?
PRESENT-DAY
SCENE 3
The MacDougal Household
Seattle, Washington
Interior Kitchen
RK: I hope Joe did this right. One boysenberry butternut bacon blueberry with a...twist.
BUSTER: Lay it on me, my good man.
(Buster takes a slurp)
BUSTER: Amazing. You know, I think the butternut actually makes the bacon more savory.
RK: That's what I try to tell 'em.
WADE: RK, are you SURE it was a good idea to plug out the refrigerator?
RK: Of course. Unless you want your grape lime peach vanilla smoothie another day.
WADE: No. I'm just worried.
RK: Just don't plug it back in. Three active blenders and a refrigerator will cause a short-circuit.
WADE: I know, Inspector Gadget. I watched the episode too, you know.
RK: Just a tip from the sheriff.
WADE: And that's another thing. Who said YOU were the sheriff?
RK: When I appointed myself sheriff before Sparky left?
WADE: Well, I'm pretty sure the role of sheriff is more suitable for me.
RK: I don't think so. And EPMD can help me.
("Strictly Business" by EPMD plays in the background)
WADE: That doesn't prove anything. You're just playing a song more than half our audience doesn't even know.
RK: You know what, you just talked your way out of a smoothie.
WADE: Whatever. There are plenty of grape lime rickeys in the fridge.
(imitating Steve Wilkos) RK: Whatever! WHATEVER! Buster, you want this smoothie?
BUSTER: And risk my fragile, almost nine-year-old body by drinking a potentially harmful beverage that could land me in the hospital to get my stomach pumped-twice? OF COURSE!
RK: Hmmmm. The way you said that makes it seem like this smoothie is morphine or something.
(RK takes a slurp, and falls unconscious)
BUSTER: In hindsight, this was a really bad idea.
(Buster backs away from RK's carcass and runs out of the kitchen)
SCENE 4
The Huie Household
Interior Living Room
Portland, Oregon
Sparky and Jaylynn are watching JONAS while eating pizza. Interestingly enough (OK, it's not as coincidental as you think) the episode that's on is the one where the boys fall in love with the pizza delivery girl.
SPARKY: Hey, question.
JAYLYNN: Yeah?
SPARKY: Do you think Nirvana is overrated?
JAYLYNN: Sort of, especially when a lot of people talk about how awesome they are and they've never listened to them a day in their lives. But they're still a great band.
SPARKY: If only I listened to more of them.
JAYLYNN: I have this weird vibe.
SPARKY: There's always something weird about you, Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: OK, you just swerved me!
SPARKY: I did that? No way!
JAYLYNN: You SO did.
SPARKY: Cross my heart.
JAYLYNN: OK, whatever.
(Sparky and Jaylynn start laughing)
JAYLYNN: No, I'm getting this weird vibe that Buster, RK, and Wade are in charge of your house tonight.
SPARKY: Never. There is no way in a billion years I would let Testicular Sound Express house-sit.
JAYLYNN: They're watching your house, aren't they?
SPARKY: Is it that obvious?
JAYLYNN: Whenever you lie, you yawn.
SPARKY: Oh. Well, that was a dead giveaway.
JAYLYNN: Aren't you worried they might destroy your house? They're not very trustworthy.
SPARKY: Jaylynn. In my ten years of existence, I've learned two things.
JAYLYNN: And what's that?
SPARKY: John Cena doesn't get nearly enough credit, and you should give people a second chance. I mean, we gave Michael Vick a second chance and look at him.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, he sucks now.
(long pause)
SPARKY: Wow, you're just sunshine and unicorns, aren't you?
SCENE 5
The MacDougal Household
Seattle, Washington
Interior Living Room
BUSTER: I'M AN IDIOT!
RK: What is it, baby cakes?
BUSTER: I had a choice between chocolate and vanilla Snack Pack, and I CHOSE CHOCOLATE!
WADE: Then just eat the Snack Pack and remember not to make the same mistake next time.
BUSTER: It's not that simple, Wade. This is like not adhering to the Law of Pizzaplicity-you just don't do that.
BITCH CLOCK: Hey dorks.
RK: (Bleep), not this character.
WADE: Bitch Clock, what are you doing here?
BITCH CLOCK: Well, dumbass, I live here.
WADE: Yeah. Up there in Sparky's room.
RK: Seriously, weren't you killed off or something?
BITCH CLOCK: You really think you three bozos will run the house and I won't get involved?
BUSTER: That's exactly what I thought.
WADE: Look, Bitch Clock, go back upstairs.
BITCH CLOCK: OK, but not without leaving you guys my package.
RK: Dude, we're on TV, come on!
(long pause)
BITCH CLOCK: Ugh. Here is my...present to you three.
(Bitch Clock puts a brown box on the coffee table)
BUSTER: If that's what I think it is, it's OK. I like mine just the way it is.
(RK angrily stares at Buster)
BITCH CLOCK: Look, you guys can ponder all you want, or you can open your present.
RK: You heard Sparky's mutant clock, let's open this thing.
WADE: Wait. It might just be a trap, like explosives or drugs. Or explosive drugs.
BITCH CLOCK: Whatever. Have a nice night, ladies.
(Bitch Clock heads back to Sparky's room)
BUSTER: Ladies? Maybe it isn't as big as I thought.
(RK knocks Buster out)
(imitating Sparky) WADE: RK!
RK: What, we're little boys, you can't say that on television!
(RK stares at the camera close-up with a devious look while that background music from Saved By The Bell plays)
("Cult Of Personality" by Living Colour playing in the background)
ANNOUNCER: And now, it's time for The Wade Report, with trusty colleague Halley Vidal!
WADE: Hello, people of Earth, I'm Wade Saltalamacchia, host of The Wade Report. On this show, we take a look at...
HALLEY: Wade?
WADE: What is it, Halley?
HALLEY: You forgot to introduce me.
WADE: Right. How could I forget? This is my trusty colleague and Sparky's girlfriend, the beautiful Halley Rose Vidal.
HALLEY: Awwww, stop it!
WADE: Yeah, I really should.
(Halley has an annoyed expression)
WADE: Now, on The Wade Report, we take a look at things I find interesting. Music, TV shows, current events, old commercials, anything. Most of the music and TV shows highlighted here will be from the past for sentimental and classic reasons.
HALLEY: Also, because nobody else would talk about them.
(long pause)
WADE: Halley, I would appreciate it if you didn't speak so very much. OK, what I want to talk about is the song "Follow The Leader" by Eric B. & Rakim, off the 1988 album of the same name. OK, this song is straight-up dope.
(while Wade is talking, scenes of the music video for "Follow The Leader" are shown in and out)
WADE: After the breakthrough success of their debut album Paid In Full in the hip-hop community, Eric B. & Rakim stepped it up on their next album, ditching their minimalist ways for more daring, layered, otherworldly samples and instrumentation. And that's especially apparent in the title track.
HALLEY: I think personally that Eric B. could be the greatest DJ of all-time.
WADE: Maybe, maybe not. Anyway, Rakim takes us on a journey through space and his "third eye," which is his brain. Some of the rhymes here are so innovative and complex for their time, like "I can take a phrase that's barely heard, flip it, now it's a daily word." My favorite parts are when he calls out Big Daddy Kane with "no need to speed, slow down and let the leader lead, word to daddy, indeed" and when he explains what slavery was and how he plans to rise above that with "Cuz we was brought here to be much more than that, but we couldn't see it because our mind was trapped, but I'm here to break away the chains, take away the pains, remake the brains, rebuild my name."
HALLEY: I haven't heard rhymes like that since LL Cool J burst onto the scene.
WADE: You do realize Rakim had something to say with his rhymes and changed the way an MC can grace the mic, right?
HALLEY: Yeah, but what does that have to do with...
WADE: Whatever. Anyway, Rakim also gives a warning at the end of the song to rappers who stole his style, saying that "Until then, keep eatin' and swallowin', you better take a deep breath and keep following The Leader." And Eric B.'s production can't go unnoticed. He has that bassline that makes you think you're in a murder mystery movie. Anyway, "Follow The Leader" is an amazing song and one that has helped make Eric B. & Rakim the greatest DJ/MC duo in rap history. A must-listen for music fans.
HALLEY: And that's our show. Tune in next week for...
WADE: Halley, we don't know what we're doing next week. This has been The Wade Report. Good night and drive home safely. Play me out, boys!
("Cult Of Personality" plays out The Wade Report)
SCENE 6
The MacDougal Household
Seattle, Washington
Interior Living Room
BUSTER: I think we should open up that box.
RK: Buster's right. Maybe there's food in there.
BUSTER: Or tickets to Money In The Bank.
RK: Or...the curiosity is what's inside.
(RK and Buster say "Awww yeah!" in-stereo and high-five)
WADE: Or there's probably just something dangerous.
BUSTER: Wade, why do you always jump to the worst-case scenario?
WADE: I don't. But this is Bitch Clock we're talking about here. I trust him less than men trust Joanna Cassidy.
MAN: Oh, Joanna, that was incredible.
JOANNA: Yeah. And Round 2 is on its way. I just need you to look away for a minute so I can position myself.
MAN: Sure.
(The man hears a zipper-like sound, and looks back after hearing gravelly laughter)
SMOKEY THE BEAR: If you knew it was me, would you have listened?
MAN: OH MY GOD, SMOKEY THE BEAR! THIS IS GROSS, THIS IS ABNORMAL, THIS IS...Are we still going to have Round 2?
RK: Yeah, that's true. But Bitch Clock would never hurt us. We're Sparky's friends.
WADE: RK, the world is not always sunshine and unicorns, you know.
RK: It's called looking on the bright side, Huey Freeman. Try it some time.
WADE: I know how to look on the bright side. I just don't do it half the time.
SCENE 7
The MacDougal Household
Seattle, Washington
Interior Kitchen
(talking to the viewers) BUSTER: So Bitch Clock gave us this "present" with something inside. We don't want to open it, but at the same time, our curiosity is killing us. If we open it and something bad happens, Sparky will think we're irresponsible. Besides, I think there's only like eight minutes left in the program anyway.
RK: Buster, who are you talking to?
BUSTER: The people watching at home.
RK: There's nobody in front of you.
(Buster looks back, and the camera is gone)
BUSTER: THERE WAS A CAMERA RIGHT THERE!
RK: Sure, there was. Hey, have you seen Wade?
BUSTER: No, I haven't seen him in a half-hour.
RK: Do you think he's opening the box without us?
BUSTER: Of course. RK, it's the perfect plan. He opens the box, something explodes and he frames us.
RK: OK, that is NOT going to happen.
WADE: Hey guys.
BUSTER: Good evening, Wade. I'm making eggs. Would you like yours scrambled, Florentine, or Benedict Arnold?
WADE: What are you talking about?
RK: Nothing, that's what. Hey Wade, what does the word "treason" mean?
WADE: Oh, that's another word for traitor. It means to betray your sovereign, nation, social group, or friends among others.
RK: TREASON!
(RK slaps Wade down to the floor)
WADE: Dude, what the (bleep) is going on with you two?
BUSTER: We know all about the box. The jig is up, Wade. Hand over the box so you don't have to frame us.
WADE: Frame you? RK should stop giving you triple Mountain Dew smoothies.
RK: Where's the box, Arnold?
WADE: In the living room. And don't call me Arn...hey, wait, where are you two going?
RK: Oh, good, the box is unharmed.
WADE: I know what you two are doing.
BUSTER: OK, you got me. My original plan was to have RK open the box and frame both of you for it.
RK: Well, you're too late, because I know your curiosity will kick in and you'll open the box. Then you and Wade will get framed.
WADE: Negatory, boys. I'll open the box knowing you two will try and open it first.
BUSTER: Is "negatory" even a word?
(Bitch Clock is watching all this from the stairs, annoyed)
RK: You're both wasting your time. I'm opening the box.
(audio clip of Timmy Tibble) BUSTER: NO, I AM!
(audio clip of Tommy Tibble) WADE: NO, I AM!
BITCH CLOCK: MY GOD, WHY DON'T ALL YOU (BLEEP) BASTARDS OPEN THE DAMN BOX AT ONCE?!
RK: Stay out of this, dumbass.
WADE: Yeah, get lost.
BUSTER: I know you smoke crack at night.
BITCH CLOCK: You know what, fine. Have fun killing each other.
(Bitch Clock leaves)
RK: I have a genius plan.
WADE: What is it?
RK: We all open the box at once. That way, none of us get framed and we all take the blame.
BUSTER: RK, that is brilliant.
WADE: You have exposed your intelligence once again.
(all three of them put their hands on the box)
RK: Should we count to three?
BUSTER: Yup.
WADE: One.
RK: Two.
BUSTER: Three!
(At three, RK takes his hand off so only Buster and Wade open it)
RK: I CAN'T DO IT!
(a blinding blue light comes out of the box)
WADE: You little...
(the camera fades to black but we hear screaming)
(RK wakes up the next day, getting kicked by Wade)
RK: AH, SON OF A JACKRABBIT!
WADE: RK, wake up!
(dreamily) RK: What...is this Heaven?
WADE: No, you're home!
(dreamily) RK: What happened? Did we get the crown, save the town, and Mr. Krabs?
WADE: No, the light that came out of the box was a laser that knocked us all out and leveled half the house. Sparky came back early and beat us with a switch. A SWITCH!
(dreamily) RK: So, why am I here?
WADE: You fell unconscious and KG picked you up from home. Apparently, you were hit the worst and suffered amnesia.
RK: So, we're not going to be house-sitting for Sparky anymore, are we?
WADE: Not until Cimorelli releases an album, which is NEVER! I just came to fill you in.
RK: What about Bitch Clock?
WADE: They arrested him for attempted manslaughter and destruction of property. The court hearing is in August.
RK: Oh. And Wade, one more thing.
WADE: What?
(RK gives Wade an RKO and heads for his room)
TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...
STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!
SINGING KIDS: Music time!
STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.
("I'm Not Going Out Like That" by Run-DMC playing in the end credits)
(C) 2013 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS