Chapter 1
John walked in the darkness to Mimi's house with Paul. Good rehearsal but Mimi said that she would have Paul over for dinner and happily he obliged to come, otherwise they would've been at Paul's for dinner. Paul loved Mimi's house in Mendips and John never did know why. Something about it feeling like home. Now that Julia and Mimi were both around together and happy, John liked it too. It comforted him into a happy feeling. John unlocked the door and walked inside with Paul.
"Mum?" John called into the equally dark house. "Mimi? Paul and I are here now."
"Did they go out somewhere?" Paul said, shutting the door and turning on the lights.
"Nah, Mimi woulda told us." The two walked further into the empty house.
"John…" Paul looked around the corner and into the den. "There's nobody here."
"Nah dip ya fucker."
"John seriously now, something may be wrong."
"She's probably out gettin' some groceries, Paulie, don't worry."
"John, we both know she would've left a note. We know she would've. It's Mi-"
A rapid knocking interrupted the boys from their conversation. John glanced at Paul while the knocking continued.
"Maybe its them.." Paul whispered.
"I'll get it.."
John took a deep breath and went to answer the door.
"George?"
"J-John…" The boy wheezed, clearly out of breath. "It's about… about y-your mum."
"What happened?" John raised an eyebrow as Paul slowly crept up behind John and listened to the conversation.
"She w-was hit…"
"What? By who?" Paul piped up. John's eyes sparked with anger.
"A car." John and Paul froze.
The color slowly drained from John's face and eyes. His lip trembled and bit it to stop. Tears filled his eyes and the anger washed away and was replaced with sadness and fear.
"I-Is she okay?"
"John…" George placed a hand on his shoulder. "She's dead."
John suddenly felt weak in his knees and his whole world came crashing down around him and his heart shattered. His mind was blank and frozen and tears slowly stung his eyes and rolled down his cheeks. He squeezed his eyes shut and hoped that is was all just a dream. Yes, that's what it was; just a horrible dream and when he opened his eyes it would be over. This horrible nightmare would be over and he would be here in Mimi's house and he would be on his way to go see Julia and everything would be alright. It was all just a crazy nightmare. One too many ciggies before bed, that's all it was. Just a couple of ciggies and an extra beer, that's what was making this terrible nightmare seem so realistic and 's all.
"John…" Paul placed a hand on John's shoulder.
And when John opened his eyes, it was all still there. As real as ever.
Chapter 2
"John. Please."
"George she's dead! You don't understand do you?! Your parents are still perfectly living!"
"I know but-"
"No George!" John snapped.
Paul sat quietly in a corner of them room watching the two as George tried hard to get John to calm down. Just a year ago his mother died and he understood the pain so he couldn't try to hold John back from the tears and pain. He knew exactly what John was going through. Exactly what John was going through. He sighed very quietly, he didn't want to hurt John in any way possible. He was already hurt enough. He didn't want to hurt him even more.
"Are you one hundred percent positive George?"
"Yes! That's what Mimi told me and she rushed out to go see if they could help her but she was dead!" George shouted. "Face the facts John! She's dead and there is nothing you can do about it!"
John sighed deeply and ran his fingers through his greased hair. He walked to the kitchen and grabbed a pack of cigarettes and walked out the back door. Two more ciggies left, he was fucked. It was going to take a lot more than two fags to calm him down. A lot more than two. He sighed and brought one up to his lips. Lighting it he exhaled quietly and took a slow and long drag of the cigarette, taking in all of it's tastes and heat against his lips. Something about these little sticks of tobacco made somebody calm down so much and he didn't know why. He loved them though. The only thing that could calm him down after a traumatizing experience, such as this one.
John took another long drag and squeezed his eyes shut. John's heart, that he thought he had encased in a strong layer of stone, was breaking. Shattering. He was just getting to know her for fuck's sake and now she was gone. For good. She would never ever come back and hug him one last time or bake a cake because she was just so happy to see him or help him in anyway he needed. She was a safe haven when he needed a break from Mimi and she was somebody she could trust. But then she just let him go, she didn't even say goodbye! She just let him walk out of that house and leave! Anger surged through John as he lit the last cigarette and brought it up to his lips and took a long drag. But he couldn't be mad at her. She was trying to help him and her family. He had "stolen" baby Julia's bed and he couldn't even fit in it! Tears leaked out of John's eyes, down his cheeks, and onto the pavement. He took another long drag and paced the back porched. Goddammit why was life so fucking cruel! He was just getting to know her and life decided to be a bitch and ruin it for him! What the actual fuck?!
John sighed and finished the cigarette. He had just finished a whole pack of ciggies for the first time and there was no point in wondering why. He closed his eyes and remembered he and Julia going to Blackpool and playing the banjo and dancing to all kinds of different rock and roll vinyls. He remembered the good smell of her house, tobacco, cake, and perfume, it was a wonderful smell. He remembered he meals that she cooked that tasted so amazing. They even looked amazing. He remembered when she let him just walk out and leave. Without even looking up. He had a right to be mad with her but then when she came and tried to fix things he shouldn't have been so cruel. And when Mimi and Julia told him everything. And then, for the first time in a long time, John cried. John cried real tears of grief, loss, anger, and depression. What was his life? It was thrown away and gone. This was all his fault. Julia was dead and he could do nothing.
Her curly red hair and bright dresses flashed through his mind. The same color eyes and bright red nail polish. She was a kind and happy spirit who was truly very happy when she wasn't ill. He loved that about her. He loved her and what happened? What fucking happened? She went and died. Of course it wasn't her fault and he wasn't going to blame her. He was always somewhere instead of with her. Always. He could've been with her so much more than how he had been with her.
"John. Come on. Come inside." John turned around and found Paul staring at him with his big brown doe eyes. He turned around and remained silent. "John it's getting cold out, c'mon mate."
"Paul, is she up there?" John asked, staring up at the sky. "Is she up there with Uncle George? Watching over me and protecting me?"
"Well, I don't know. It's depend on how you think of it."
"What are your thoughts on it?"
"Well to be honest with you, Winston, I'm not too sure for once. I don't know what I should think and what I shouldn't think."
"Ah, I understand James…" John and Paul went silent for a second before John interrupted it. "How did you feel? I mean… When she left?"
"Hurt of course. I went into a state of depression for a long time. I had never felt pain like that and I wasn't expecting to so early on in life. I cried for a long time and I started smoking a lot. She was a big part of my life and I wasn't expecting her to leave. Why?"
"Mimi always told me as a kid that there was someone up there watching over me. Nobody had really died in my family yet but she was just letting me know. I didn't know it would hurt the way is does now."
"John, c'mon."
"Why?!" John snapped. "Why should I go, Macca?! Tell me!"
"George said we needed to go to Julia's house." John exhaled deeply.
"I can't do that."
"Yes you can John. I know you can."
"No!" John yelled. "Paul I really can't!"
"I really didn't want to have to do this, but it looks like I'm going to have to force it upon you." Paul sighed.
Chapter 3
John slowly wondered around Julia's house as he heard Mimi and Julia's more recent husband, Bobby, talking in the lounge. The lounge that he learned to play the banjo in. The lounge that he spent most of the time with his mother in. He poked his head into her room and walked toward the closet, staring up at her bright, and some dark, clothes. He looked down and saw different flats and heels and on the top shelf of the closet were cosmetics, hair products, nail polish, and so many other things. He walked over to the bed and noticed how neat she made it in the mornings before going anywhere. He sighed deeply and bit his trembling lip then walked out of the room.
"John?" A small voice piped up as he passed the next room.
"Hello Jackie." John tried to smile at the little girl but it was very hard to find it in himself to even look happy. Even for his little sister.
"You look sad John." Jackie said. "Come in and we can have some tea." Jackie patted the floor next to her.
John sighed and walked into the little girl's room and sat three feet away from her on the floor. Julia must have painted the room because it was so bright and vibrant. Jackie had a bright blue rug on her wooden floor and many stuffed animals and dolls scattered about her room.
"Thanks Jackie." John mumbled.
"John are you sad?" Jackie looked up at him. "Please don't be sad. Mummy was sad a lot and Mummy wouldn't like to know that you are sad. It would make her sad up in heaven."
Tears stung John's eyes viscously and all he could do was blink them back to keep from crying in front of the little girl.
"Yeah Jackie, I hate to say it but 'm sad." John sighed.
"Why?" Jackie asked, pouring him some imaginary tea.
"Jackie she was out Mum. I don't know how you take it so easily. You seem so… So calm with it. How?"
"Well, John," The nine year old spoke. "I'm calm about it because I know that Mummy is up in Heaven watching over me and protecting me and helping me be happy. But I really am very hurt. I just have to think positive is all. Then everything is okay."
"Wow…" John whispered. "JAckie that's really wise."
"Thank you."
"It's true."
John looked into the little girl's brown eyes and sighed.
"You want a gift Jackie?" John asked.
"Sure."
John reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out the harmonica Uncle George had given him. Jackie slowly took the harmonica and eyed it in wonder. John smiled at her satisfaction with the small harmonica in her hands.
"Blow on it." John interrupted the silence.
Jackie slowly and reluctantly blew the harmonica and smiled at the song.
"Thanks John." Jackie smiled. John softly ruffled her hair, got up, and walked out.
John walked out to the porch where Paul and George were standing having a quick smoke. John sat down on one of the chairs out side and sighed deeply.
"I'mma dick." Paul and George looked at him and nodded. "You weren't supposed to agree."
"We know." George stated.
"Watch your mouth smart ass." John snapped. "This is just all too much for me to take in really."
"We know Johnny boy." Paul handed him a cigarette and a lighter. "Have a quick fag."
"No." John tossed the two items back to Paul. "I'm not going to here. Something just tells me it wouldn't be right."
John ran a hand through his hair and walked inside again. He stopped by the den and glared at the man who wanted him to leave the house in the first place when Julia was still living. The man
"John." Bobby greeted sternly.
"Bobby."
"How're you?"
"How d'ya think I am ya filthy git?!" John snapped.
"John that's enough!" Mimi barked. "Not tonight please!"
"Fine. Fine." John sighed. "I'm leaving."
Chapter 4
John layer in bed, wide awake, staring up at the ceiling. There would be a funeral tomorrow for his mother. He wanted to go but he just couldn't go. He had to. Though it was going to tear his heart out he agreed with himself that he was going to go her funeral whether he liked it or not. His room was so stuffy and hot. He opened the window and let some cool air in fifteen minutes ago but it didn't help one bit. He sighed deeply and got up toward the window. The cool air calmly soothed him and he closed his eyes. His mother's bright smile greeted him and her seashell eyes seemed to just call him away from reality. Sighing deeply he tried to go back to his fantasy where his mother was. But for some reason she was pushing him away now, telling him to go. John's body trembled lightly. His mother was gone and he just wanted to at least be reminded of her in his mind; there was no telling how long he would be able to remember her and her features and even in his mind she was pushing him away, far away, telling him to get lost….
Just like she did to John's father. Her husband.
John punched the wall as more tears fell down his face. He loved her, he was her son how could he not love her? She was funny and energetic and the perfect mother and everything and just when John started to think that she was perfect Julia pushed John away so he went back to MiMi who was prepared to forgive and forget. Then when he started to forgive her she did it again! She told him lies about what really happened and then she had to come to MiMi's just for him to find out that everything she had told him was a lie. Then he was pissed. Really fucking pissed. Then right when he was starting to forgive her she went and died! How do you get hit by a car that easily anyways?!
"No no." John stopped himself aloud. "I can't blame her it isn't her fault for getting hit, you're just getting to worked up."
John ran a hand through his hair and walked down stairs to the kitchen. He rubbed his eyes as he saw a soft light lighting up the den. Guardian angel MiMi sat in the den reading a book. She looked up at raised an eyebrow then glanced to the clock.
"John? What are you doing up so early?" MiMi asked as if he were still a five year old.
"I should be asking you that." John replied flatly and took a seat next to MiMi. "Watcha readin'?"
"John really now, it's very late."
"It's eleven forty six MiMi."
"Exactly and we've to go to your mother's funeral tomorrow." John inhaled slowly.
"She was your sister too MiMi. Not just my mother." He hissed. She was so stubborn sometimes. "And you always seem to forget that tiny little detail."
"John Winston."
"MiMi Smith." John stared deep into MiMi's eyes.
"John I know you're upset but this type of behavior is unnecessary and there is no need for it now would you please tell me why you're up so late?"
"I can't sleep! You should no that! My mum is dead!"
"I know John."
"Then why're you hounding me about it?"
"Because you're worrying me!" MiMi snapped and then let out a brief sigh. "I know how much it's hurting you, John, and I just want you to know that I'm here for you. I don't want to see you this hurt, really I don't."
"I know MiMi." John mumbled.
"And you really should get to bed."
"But I can't." John sighed deeply. "I've told you. I just can't. I've been tryin' too so you can't say that I haven't."
"I wasn't going to." John raised an eyebrow. "Now don't look at me like that, John Lennon."
"It just comes to me as a sort of shock to hear you say that."
MiMi looked over at John and couldn't help but smile.
"Oh hush." MiMi laughed, lightly slapping his arm.
"I can't help it." John said, smiling. It felt so different to smile. He didn't done it for a little while.
"So why did you come down here?"
"Not sure. I wanted something to drink but now I'm hungry."
"Well I'm not making you anything."
"I know you aren't going to and I wasn't going to ask for you to."
"Good." MiMi paused. "You really should get to bed though."
"I will, MiMi."
"Well then I'm going off to bed." MiMi kissed his cheek. "Get some sleep, John."
"I promise I will MiMi." John sighed, getting up and going to the kitchen.
"And clean up after yourself. I don't want to wake up and find the kitchen a complete mess."
John sighed as MiMi went upstairs to her bedroom.
Chapter 5
John awoke to a slight tapping on his door. Rolling over and throwing the pillow against his head he groaned loudly, he didn't get any sleep at all last night. The tapping on the door quickly evolved into loud knocking. He sat up, stretched quickly, then threw his pillow at his door.
"I'm awake, consmanit!"
"Well I don't want to disturb you." Paul poked his head into John's room. "Can I come in?"
"Oh, Paul, hey. Yeah c'mon in." John stood up to go get a ciggy.
"Sorry if I woke you. I finished getting ready for the funeral and I had a feeling you were still asleep. I wonder why MiMi didn't wake you."
"She's probably busy getting ready."
"I see." Paul walked over to John's closet and searched for a starched white shirt. Pulling it out he laid it on John's desk along with some kaki pants. He knelt down and found some black dress shoes and set them down next to the clothes and draped a black jacket across the clothes. "I didn't even know you had these kind of clothes, Winston."
"Ah, I know it James. They were Uncle George's when he was still young." John sighed. "Why do I lose everyone important to me?"
"That isn't true John."
"Yeah it is."
"Oh hush." Paul wrapped John's sheet around his head and shoulders like a scarf You never know when you're going to find a lovely bird who'll do just anything for you John." He leaned up against John mockingly, batting his thick eyelashes, and smiling sweetly but cheekily.
"You cheeky git!" John laughed and pushed Paul off of him. "If you keep that up people are gonna start thinking your a bird." Paul smiled.
"Haven't heard that laugh in a while, Winston. 'S good to hear it again."
"Ah really?" John raised an eyebrow.
"Well, I'm used to hearing you laugh all the time Johnny boy." Paul put John's sheets back on his bed neatly and threw John's clothes at him. "And you haven't laughed a lot lately. It's just nice to hear you laugh again. Now go get dressed."
"Yes ma'am." John mocked.
"Come off it you git." Paul smiled.
John smiled and walked out of the room to go change. Paul's smile instantly faded once John left. He knew he couldn't help John at all but he wanted to at least help. He swore that he would be with him the day that his mother died. He could't leave him now. It would hurt both of them too much. Paul suddenly felt weak at the knees and leaned against the table, trying to get his heart to stop racing and his mind to calm down. He really hadn't felt like this since his mother had died. He must've been hurting because he was seeing one of his best friend's in such pain. John never showed his feelings. Ever. This must have really torn him up.
"Maccca?"
"J-John?"
"You okay?"
"Just chipper."
"You sure?"
"Yeah…. Oh.." Paul glanced at the clock. "Bollocks…. We better go."
"Oh." John sighed deeply. "Let's go."
John trembled slightly while he sat in Julia's house. Everyone dressed in black and mourning the death of Julia Stanley. John glanced to MiMi who was fighting back tears. Julia and Jackie both looked equally depressed as they offered things for the guests to eat after the service. John had been fighting back the urge to break down crying but all through out the service it slowly began to get stronger and now it was to the point of trembling and breaking down. John sighed and walked through the house to find his band listening to Paul play the banjo. Feeling his mixed emotions kicking in he could no longer control himself.
"What the fuck are you doing?!" He yelled.
"Oh.. John we were just playing about." Paul replied timidly.
"Is this a fucking gig, McCartney?! No! I don't think so!" John picked up the small banjo and threw it to the ground.
"John that was Julia's!" Pete exclaimed. "Your mother's!"
"Well she's fucking dead now isn't she?!" John yelled as he kneed Pete in the crotch and felt tears prick in his eyes.
John sighed deeply and rushed outside in tears rolling down his cheeks. How could he be so daft as to come here? He knew something like this would happen. He could feel it. He didn't know how, he just could. His heart kept slowly shattering as the events rushed on him faster than he expected it to. He let the tears roll down his cheeks freely. No one there to see him cry and no one was there to see his undying pain.
"John?!" John turned around at the sound of Paul's voice. "What the fuck? Aren't you going to hit me? It was my fault!" John's body tensed up with every word Paul said. His pulse quickened and before he knew it he had punched Paul hard in the jaw.
It took John a few seconds to realize what he had done and when he did, terror filled him head to toe.
"Paul, I-I'm so sorry." John took his hand and pulled the younger boy into a tight embrace. "I'm sorry.. I-I didn't mean to-"
"Hush… It's fine…" John let out a few small sobs and trembled agains't Paul.
"She's gone! She can't come back! She won't!"
"No… She can't." Paul choked out. It hurt him to see John hurting like that. "And I'm so sorry."
"Don't be…" John wiped his eyes and pulled away. "L-Let's get back inside."
"Yeah.."
Chapter 6
John sat in the sitting room as hot tears leaked down his cheeks. Paul rubbed his back carefully, trying to calm him down. He knew how he felt and he needed to at least try to help. Everyone in the room was bewildered as they watched tears leak down John's cheeks in a silent sob. Pete cocked his blonde haired head as he watched John tremble slightly. Paul just kept rubbing his back, trying to soothe the older boy. John slowly kept trembling as he felt Paul's hand making small circles on his back. Pulling a lighter and a pack of cigarettes he lit one and his shaky hands could nearly get it to his mouth. He sighed deeply, unable to take a long drag of the ciggy that he wanted so badly. Paul took the cigarette and shoved it into John's mouth in a caring way. John put his middle and index finger around the fag and took a nice long drag and held it in. Letting out all of the smoke he felt a bit calmer, though tears still leaked down his cheeks and he was still trembling.
"John… You alright?" Pete asked, still a bit confused at the sight of John getting worked up.
"He's fine." George hissed, ramming his elbow into Pete's ribs.
"But-"
"He's fine!" George hissed again over Pete's protest.
"Don't worry about it, Pete." Paul sighed, his big doe eyes looked up at the boys who still remained at Julia's (George and Pete). John, who didn't even here them, kept trembling."He'll be fine."
"But he's crying!" Pete protested. "He's John! That never happens!"
"Pete shut up!" George punched his arm. Hard.
"People cry, Pete. You cry, and so does George, and John, and myself." Paul responded quietly as John took another drag.
"Yeah well you're a queer, Paul, so that isn't a shock to hear that coming from you!" Pete exclaimed. John looked up.
"What…?"
"It's Paul! He's a fuckin' queer!" John quickly stood up.
"John don't." Paul sighed, looking at the floor.
"You fuckin' take that back Pete!" John yelled. "Take it back right now!"
"I have no reason to when it's fact!"
"Ey!" George barked. "Shutup!"
"Make me!"
"Pete…" John exhaled in a menacing tone. "You take that back right now or I swear to God I'll make ya sorry."
"How?" Before Paul, Pete, or George could even blink John had thrown a punch so hard that it drew blood from the blonde boy's mouth.
Pete fell to the ground in agonizing pain as John kicked him hard.
"That's how Pete! Where's your fuckin' common sense?! You've worked with him and have you ever seen him make a move on anyone?!"
"John there is no need to resort to violence…" Paul whimpered.
"Pete you… Just no… You fuckin'-"
"John!" Paul yelled. Everybody turned to the dark haired boy. "There is no need to resort to violence!" He repeated. John sighed deeply and put out his cigarette against Pete's skin.
"Fine. Fine." He sighed over Pete's agonized exhaling.
"John… C'mon.. Let's go.." George whispered into the now dead silence. "I'll talk to you on your way home."
"No it's fine George." John said, lighting another cigarette and walking outside.
Paul and George rushed after the dirty blonde haired man. They had him in their sight but then they turned a corner and he was gone.
"John!" Paul called into the dark empty streets. "Johnny! Where are ya?!" Tears filled Paul's eyes. John was a good friend and he wouldn't let anything happen to him. He couldn't.
"Paul relax." George grabbed the older boy's wrist.
"But-"
"Let's cheek MiMi's."
"Are you sure he'll be there?"
"Paul.."
"Fine."
John sat on the docks, drunker than ever and stared out at the water. Even though he was still hurt about Julia's death now he was angered about what Pete had said. " Yeah well you're a queer, Paul." What the bloody hell was Pete thinking?! Pete and Paul seemed to be such good friends! They were such good friends! Why would he say that?! Just because Paul was gentler and more caring, didn't mean he was queer! John sighed and threw his empty beer bottle out into the ocean with a zig-zagged throw. He sighed and laid down on the bench that was write on the docks and stared out at the water. His eyes felt heavy and his body was weak. He laid on his back and stared up at the empty stars above. He sighed as he heard the happy squeak of his girlfriend Marie. He turned over and buried his face in his jacket and raised his middle finger.
"Oh sorry." The brunette hissed at John as she approached the bench. "I thought you were someone else." John sighed.
"No problem.." It was a bit heart breaking that his girlfriend didn't even recognize him.
John closed his eyes and smelt the salty ocean and the noise soothed him to the point go forgetting everything. 'Dead Julia? What dead Julia?' His mind whispered. 'Sadness? What sadness? Nobody is sad here.' and before John knew it he was asleep on the docks.
"John… John..."
A golden and soothing voice started to drag him out of his deep slumber.
"Johnny boy wake up..."
"C'mon John. Wake up please."
"Mum? Dad?" John groaned groggily. "W-What?"
"John it's Paul."
'Great..' John's mind hissed in his ear.
"And George."
"Is Pete here?" John rolled over, facing his back to them.
"Nah. Hasn't shown his face since you got onto him last night." George sighed.
"Last night?" John began to sit up but the alcohol caught him and forced him to lay back down as he slowly opened his eyes. "What time is it?"
"Nine A.M." John sat up fast.
"What?!"
"You fell asleep at the dock. We found you drunk ten minutes ago. MiMi's been worried sick." Paul said softly.
"Paul…" John held the dark haired boy's wrist. "Are you okay after last night?"
"It's nothin'."
"But-"
"No worries." Paul said as George helped John up. "Doesn't really matter."
"Paul." John breathed. "Thanks."
And as John clung tightly to the two boys they finally decided to go home, not a thought of the girl with red hair, windy smiles, and seashell eyes in their minds.