51 Things I'm Not Allowed To Do To Professor Snape

Arabella, Lizzy and Donna were in the Headmaster's office. And they were in trouble. Judging from the manic glint in Professor Snape's eye, they were in deep trouble.

'There they are, Headmaster,' he hissed, pale face flushed with triumph. His hair was still a dazzling red and gold and he was shaking badly in anger as he pointed at them. They did their best to look innocent. 'All three of them,' he continued in a soft hiss, 'have been harassing me for fifty days.'

'Who, us, Professor?' Arabella asked in her sweetest voice. 'Are you sure you aren't having hallucinations again?'

'I AM NOT HALLUCINATING!' he shrieked, looking deranged. He grabbed something from his robe pocket and pulled it out. It was a list. Their list, Arabella realised with a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. 'EVERYDAY! SINGING LEWD MUGGLE SONGS AND GRINNING AT ME AND STALKING ME AND SPREADING LUDICROUS RUMOURS! LOOK AT THIS!'

Dumbledore surveyed Snape calmly through half-moon glasses as Snape slammed the list down on the desk. 'Calm yourself, Severus,' he said quietly, before picking up the list and beginning to read.

51 Things I'm Not Allowed To Do To Professor Snape

1. I will not scream 'IT LIVES!' and cackle madly in Potions class.

2. I will not follow Professor Snape, whistling Christmas carols until he snaps.

3. I will not follow instructions in Potions class backwards.

4. I will not smile suggestively at Professor Snape whenever I see him.

5. I will not wolf-whistle at Professor Snape whenever I see him.

6. I will not tell Professor Snape to 'Go to your happy place, man!'

7. I will not 'accidentally' throw food at Professor Snape.

8. I will not sing 'If You Were Gay' in Potions class and sling my arm over Professor Snape's shoulders if he comes over to investigate.

9. I will not convince the First years that Professor Snape is a vampire.

10. I will not yell 'DIE, FIEND!' at Professor Snape and attempt to stake him through the heart. I will not try to get the First years to do this either.

11. I will not stick signs saying 'HEX ME' or anything similar on Professor Snape's backside. I will then not attempt to hex him.

12. I will not sob 'But I thought we had something special!' whenever Professor Snape takes away House points.

13. I will not tell Professor Snape he should 'polish his wand' and then start giggling uncontrollably.

14. I will not tell everyone that Professors Trelawney and Snape have 'something special together'.

15. I will not refer to the Dungeons as 'the realm of Grease'.

16. I will not tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

17. I will not say 'Ooo, burned!' whenever Professor Snape takes away house points.

18. I will not stalk Professor Snape.

19. I will not cast 'Engorgio' on any parts of Professor Snape's body, especially not his nose.

20. I will not ask Professor Snape when he last washed.

21. I will not tell Professor Snape he is emo.

22. I will not spread rumours about Professor Snape's love life. This includes his sexuality.

23. I will not ask Professor Snape whether he takes it top or bottom.

24. I will not tell people he takes it bottom.

25. I will not give Professor Snape an acid pop in disguise as a harmless sweet.

26. I will not sing 'You Sexy Thing' at the top of my voice whenever I see Professor Snape.

27. I will not confess my undying love for Professor Snape to him in the Great Hall in front of everyone.

28. I will not the next day go up to the Staff table and tell Professor Snape 'I'm sorry, but it's just not working out. We're through.'

29. I will not, when Professor Snape talks to a woman, run up to him, scream 'HOW COULD YOU?', slap him and run away.

30. I will not make a 'Hug Snape' day.

31. I will not call Professor Snape 'Munchkin', 'Cupcake', 'Darling' or any other nickname.

32. I will not call Professor Snape 'The Grinch Who Stole Christmas'.

33. I will not convince the First years that Professor Snape killed Santa Claus.

34. I will not lick my lips and grin whenever I see Professor Snape.

35. I will not try to file a restraining order against Professor Snape. I will not then show him the restraining order.

36. I will not ask Professor Snape 'So, are you free tonight?'

37. I will not, whenever I go down to the Dungeons, sing in an obnoxiously loud voice, "DOWN ONCE MORE TO THE DUNGEON OF MY BLACK DESPAIR!"

38. I will not try to prove that Professor Snape wears a wig.

39. I will not cast a Cheering Charm on Professor Snape and make him laugh hysterically.

40. I will not whisper '...and may the force be with you' and bow after anything I say to Professor Snape.

41. I will not spike Professor Snape's drink with a Love Potion, Veitaserum or Water.

42. I will not ask Professor Snape if he's compensating for something.

43. I will not wink at Professor Snape and tell him to 'call me'.

44. I will not dress up as a Basilisk and stalk Professor Snape, hissing whenever he talks.

45. I will not pester the Slytherins as to where Professor Snape sleeps.

46. I will not try to 'capture' Professor Snape in a 'pokeball'.

47. I will not yell 'I choose you, Snape!' whenever Professor Snape walks into the room.

48. I will not break into Professor Snape's quarters on a 'secret mission'.

49. I will not attempt to dye Professor Snape's hair red and gold when he is sleeping.

50. I will not get every student and teacher in the Great Hall to sing 'If you hate Snape and you know it, clap your hands' with choreography, no matter how amusing it may be. I will also not make the second verse 'If you love Snape and you know it, clap your hands'. I will not clap then.

51. I will not attempt to do all of these in 50 days.

Dumbledore bit back on a laugh when he finished reading. Number 50 had indeed been a spectacle. 'I see...' he murmured, trembling slightly with suppressed laughter. 'Well, girls, what do you have to say for yourselves?'

Snape, who had stopped hyperventilating by then, stared incredulously at Dumbledore. 'Headmaster,' he said, through gritted teeth, 'I would like to point out that the evidence is set very heavily against these...' his lip curled and his left eye twitched slightly, 'troublemakers.'

'I am aware of that, Severus,' he replied, cheerfully. 'However, I find it beneficial to listen to the other side's story as well.'

Snape looked murderous and he glared at the three girls. They glanced at one another, before Arabella stepped forward slightly.

'Well, sir,' she began calmly, 'we only did it to make Professor Snape apologise.'

'Apologise -!' he spluttered. Dumbledore raised a hand for silence.

'Whatever for?'

'Well, you see, our friend Holly has been quite distraught lately because some Slytherin boys pushed her into the Lake. She can't swim, you see, so I had to go in and save her and we were almost eaten by the Giant Squid. Donna hexed it though. Anyway, we thought she might be happier if Professor Snape apologised to her for not doing anything about the boys.' Arabella paused. 'You see, we asked him about it a month and a bit back and he denied that the boys did anything. So, we took extreme measures.' She paused again and then took a deep breath and continued. 'Actually, going to your office was our aim all along, Professor Dumbledore.' Snape gave a noise that sounded like an angry cat and his glare intensified. 'So, really, our plan worked quite well.'

'Really,' Dumbledore said, amused. 'Well, Severus, it looks like you've been outsmarted by three 16 and 15 year olds.'

'It seems so,' he replied, jaw clenched. His eyes darted from Dumbledore to the girls and then back to Dumbledore. Then he went rigid, eyes narrowing to slits. 'Headmaster,' he whispered in a tone Arabella recognised as his most dangerous, 'are you not going to punish these girls?' There was no reply. He started to shake in anger again. 'Are you going to swallow their sob story and not punish them, even after everything they've done?'

Dumbledore stayed quiet for a while before he spoke again. 'Professor Snape is indeed correct. You three will be punished. But, first, I would like to hear how you accomplished all that you did. It is no mean feat by any account to harass a teacher,' his gaze became stern, 'nor is it one that is encouraged at Hogwarts. But I find myself interested as to how you went about harassing Professor Snape for a full 50 days.'

Arabella, Donna and Lizzy glanced at one another again. 'I'll tell them,' Arabella murmured and then returned her attention to Dumbledore. 'Well, sir, it started out sort of like this...'