A/N: Not necessarily a Christmas fic this time... but it's the best I could manage after my huge disappointment called Pink Ribbons. Aaanyway... about this story: I was watching the program with the same name (on TLC) and I was suddenly hit with a bout of inspiration but it left soon after I started writing. Which is why, weeeeeks after writing that first start, I finally was courageous enough to work on it again... after the most recent chapter of Pink Ribbons, I have nothing to lose I suppose. It can't get worse than that. But really, this fic is still horrible. And I don't expect you to review or read in general. And I don't say this to provoke compliments, like so many people always say, but because it is true this time.

I watched The Time Of The Doctor today - holy crap the tears, the creys, the EVERYTHING. Just thought I'd let you know.

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. Unfortunately.

'I'm having their baby'

Teresa Lisbon was shaking as she held the little white stick. And at the same time as she dropped it, her life shattered all around her.

This couldn't be true. It couldn't be, it just couldn't. Fate couldn't be this cruel.
She wanted a child. She wanted to hold a tiny bundle of joy in her arms and devote her entire life to it. Wanted to raise her child like she had wanted to be raised herself, with a lot of love and adoration.

Yet she couldn't. Not on her own. Not without the one who mattered most next to her, helping her.

She hadn't seen him ever since they had made the mistake of ending up in bed together. No. It wasn't a mistake, not to her – it had been the best freaking thing she had done in all of her forty years on this earth. But he thought of it as a mistake, and he had fled as a result.

That was over two months ago. And now, she had to suffer the consequences of their actions, and he got to live a peaceful life somewhere on a godforsaken island or wherever the hell he was.

The first one she told that she was pregnant was Grace. She was her best friend and knew she could tell her everything, but this was something that made her shake once again with anxiety. Grace had worried when Lisbon hadn't been able to tell her what was on her mind, but eventually she spilled every single thought that had raced through her head and the two were eventually silent.

"Do you want to keep it?"

Lisbon wanted to say no, because it was the truth. She didn't want to keep her child, because that would mean that the rest of her life, she would be reminded of him. And she was already trying her very best to forget about him.

But when she tried to utter the word, she found she couldn't say it. And before she was able to stop it, she was sobbing the woman's arms. The only things she could say were incomprehensible and Grace just ended up whispering soothing words into her ear.

When she managed to get her sobbing under control, Grace starting really talking to her.

"You have options, Teresa," she whispered.

Lisbon nodded. "I know," she sobbed softly.

"If you don't want to keep the child… and I want you to be absolutely sure about that if you choose for that… you don't have to abort. You can put it up for adoption. That way, you… don't have to get rid of it, and you don't have to raise it yourself… and make it remind you of…"

That was the best idea she had ever heard. And after talking about it for an entire week, every single night, Lisbon had come to the conclusion she would give her child to a family who had the financial and emotional needs to give her child the life it deserved.

The decision got harder the more her belly grew, but she was still determined and with every month that passed, she was more serious about it.

He hadn't contacted her at all, and in a strange way, she didn't even mind. He would only yell at her and make her feel worse and that was exactly what she didn't want right now. But a tiny part of her wanted him to be here, if only to tell her that her decision was the right one.

She was at Cho's house for Christmas when the contractions started – they'd already started but she hadn't paid attention to them, until a sharp pain cut through her belly and back that made her gasp, causing everybody present to turn her way.

And the rest of the contractions passed in a flurry of pain, tears and more pain. She didn't know what was awaiting her at the end of that symbolic tunnel, but she wouldn't have found it weird if she had died of the agony she was going through right now. It wouldn't have mattered anyway, nobody would need her.

Eventually, as she looked at the small baby who was put on her chest, she realized how hard it was to give this little wonder away.

"What a beautiful little boy," one of the nurses said with a bright smile on her face.

And it was true. He looked exactly like his father.

The adoptive parents standing in the corner of the room, and Lisbon felt herself losing the battle against her tears once again. The pain of her baby being taken away was worse than giving birth, but she still couldn't keep him. She couldn't give him the life he deserved.

"I love you so much, Little One." It's what Jane used to call her sometimes. It fit to call their son that too. "Have a good life."

And she practically forced the adoptive parents to take her baby away from her while she cried in the crook of Cho's neck, and he kept telling her that she had done well and she tried so hard to believe it but she couldn't. She had just willingly given away a piece of her soul.

~…~

Jane came to her apartment nine months later, and she had felt it coming. She didn't like him showing up on her doorstep unannounced, probably thinking he could just fix everything with a swift movement of his magical wand.

Neither of them said anything but she could see that he noticed something was off. He stepped inside and the first thing he would be able to see was a picture of their son on a swing.

She was hoping so badly that he wouldn't ask who the little boy was, because she knew she wouldn't be able to lie to him anymore.

Yet when he turned towards her, he was crying. And while she had expected her heart to break into tiny little pieces, it didn't. She felt nothing.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

She stared at him, thinking he was kidding her, but he wasn't. He really didn't know why.

"You left me," she said, no emotion coloring her voice whatsoever.

He was silent for a while as tears were still streaming down his cheeks. Eventually he nodded, slowly.

"Yes, but I-"

"No buts. You don't care about me, otherwise you wouldn't have left. So if you don't care about me, why should I care enough about you to tell you that you were going to be a father again while you weren't even prepared for it yet."

"Teresa, I do care."

She pushed him away from her and he fell against the wall with a loud thud.

"Don't 'Teresa' me! If you had spent some time with me during my pregnancy, if you had even freaking been there with me, I would have given you a decision in this matter as well! He is my son, and only I get the right to decide over his life."

"He's my son too-"

"Well if he is, why weren't you with me when I found out I was pregnant? Why didn't you join me when I went to the doctor to get confirmation? When I was sick in the morning, or when I went to get the first sonogram? Where the hell were you, Jane?"

"I… Lisbon…"

"And now I'm Lisbon again, huh? You're not his father, and you'll never be. Because fathers are supposed to be there for their children, from the very beginning. And you were gone. For God's sake, Cho was more of a dad to him than you were!"

Nothing made sense in her head anymore and she couldn't stop herself from letting go of everything that had bothered her for months now, accompanied by all the tears she hadn't shed since the day they took her baby away from her.

She hit his chest repeatedly, but he took the beatings and it made her even angrier because he was not even supposed to be here! She had closed that chapter in her life and had honestly hoped he would stay gone so that she wouldn't have to re-open that part of her life again.

"I hate you!" she screamed eventually, and it made her break down completely, because no matter how many times she would tell him – or herself, for that matter – it wouldn't be true. She still loved him with every fiber in her body. It was what ultimately made her love their child as well, even though she had never tried to love him. After all, she had never touched her belly or talked to it, like she had seen her mother do when the woman had been pregnant with her youngest brother.

"I hate you," she sobbed as she fell forward towards him and he was just in time to catch her, and his panicked voice was the last thing she noticed before everything went black.

~…~

Someone was sobbing. Something warm was pressed against her, and was surrounding her, making a cocoon full of warmth all around her.

As soon as she recognized the sobs, she moved away from him but he wouldn't let her go.

"Jane, let me-"

"No," he pressed out. "No, Teresa, I won't let you go."

"Jane-"

"No!" he cried now. She tried again to tear his arms away from her but she didn't succeed.

"I'm so sorry I left you. I didn't do it because I didn't love you enough – I love you too much. And I was scared because after all those years, I finally felt something that wasn't pain or regret, something that made me happy and smile but I was so scared. And I needed some time but while I was away, I realized that you needed someone else than me because I'm beneath your league, and I didn't want to come back anymore… even though I did… I just told myself I didn't. But lately, I had to hold you and apologize for leaving you… but now I realized that I need to apologize for far more things than I had anticipated and I-"

"You want to leave again."

"No. I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

When she pushed away again, he let her go. She stared at him as she moved to sit on her legs in front of him. Then she shook her head.

"No you don't."

"Yes, I do. And I want to raise our son, together."

And suddenly, her whole being filled with a painful shame and regret. She bit her lower lip as she averted her eyes to look at the floor.

"That's going to be tough," she whispered.

"Why? What happened?"

She shook her head. "I… I couldn't do it… I couldn't do it without you..."

"Teresa… where is he?"

She looked up at him and a tear left her eye. Dammit, she thought she had found peace with it but clearly she hadn't – she was opening old wounds again and it hurt even more than it used to.

"I gave him up for adoption."

And she searched his face for any kind of emotion, and all she was rewarded with were the exact same emotions she had gone through ever since she had found out she was pregnant and couldn't raise her baby.

"He… you did what?"

"I gave him up for adoption," she said again, this time without missing a beat. Now, he lowered his head in what could only be called defeat and she felt even more ashamed than before. "I have nothing to apologize for."

"No. You're right. It's my fault." He sighed, and looked up at the ceiling. "I should have been there for you. And I wasn't."

She lowered her head and sighed too. And as she felt the sorrow of the loss of her child, she suddenly felt the intense need to touch Jane, and she knew the exact reason for that feeling, but she didn't agree with it.

Yet she couldn't stop herself when she scooted over to where he was sitting and, slowly, trying to measure his reaction, slid into his lap, her arms all around him.

"I'm sorry for leaving you," he whispered into the crook of her neck, where he left some feather-light kisses.

"I'm sorry for loving you," she replied, and he tensed up in her arms, before he pulled away and she saw tears in his eyes. "If I didn't love you… it wouldn't hurt as much. Having your baby- our baby… and having to give him away."

"You didn't have to…"

"Yes, I did, Jane. I had to. I couldn't raise him. I wanted to but I couldn't. What kind of life would he have had with me? I couldn't even move on from you. What if you had never come back? What of worthless mother would I have been then? I would have been just like my father after my mother died and I don't want my son to grow up like that."

"I would have come back, Teresa."

"How was I supposed to know? You never said anything to me after you left, never let me know where you were. I didn't know you would come back, and frankly, I didn't even dare to hope anymore. I loved him too much, I didn't want him to have to deal with me if… when you didn't come back any longer."

He pulled her close and sighed against her neck again. They remained like that for a long time, until he pulled away slightly to look into her eyes and she saw something snapping inside of him, like he had been trying to hold back for so long but couldn't anymore.

"I love you, Teresa," he whispered, his breath fanning all across her face. And she closed her eyes to stop her thoughts from running through her head again. Or perhaps she was trying to prevent him from reading all of them.

She shook her head.

"If you think you can get me back with words like these, I have to say I'm-"

And he completely surprised her by kissing, and she surprised herself even more when she found herself kissing back. In between kisses, she could faintly make out that he told her he wanted to meet their son, but as he somehow managed to carry her to her bed without her noticing, she fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow and his arms wrapped around her, holding her tight.

A/N: Okay so you have no idea what it would mean to me if you reviewed now, or at least fav it or something. Please, any sign that you liked this would be appreciated. Otherwise, I'm afraid I'll be left with no willpower to continue Pink Ribbons for the time being.