Neji Gets a Wedgie
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Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, the kunoichi would actually do SOMETHING besides being rescued, healing people, and being eye candy for Jiraiya!
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On one fine Spring morning, Tenten woke with a very clear agenda in her mind. This plan, this EVIL plan, had been simmering and fermenting in her head for about three weeks--its sheer magnitude required that kind of planning.
However, her objectives weren't flashy or dramatic. She was a simple, down-to-earth kunoichi with simple, down-to-earth ambitions. All Tenten wanted, all she really wanted... was to give Neji a wedgie. But not just any wedgie, mind you. It had to be the most powerful atomic wedgie known to shinobi--the sort that would leave Neji trembling in pain (and fear of Tenten) for weeks to come.
Perhaps you're wondering why an easy-going girl like Tenten would have such a horrible vendetta against her own teammate. The reason is simple: Neji's not that into kunoichi. Not to say he's gay or anything--straight guys can pull off long hair and manskirts too! Neji just believes that women, being physically weaker than men, should no longer be allowed to train as ninja. Sure, they could learn ninjutsu and all that stuff, but, in the end, they were really only liabilities. A drain on "manpower" that could better harnessed in completing missions--as opposed to rescuing helpless kunoichi. In a nutshell, that was Neji's take on female-nins.
When, on one fine day, Tenten overheard him expressing that sentiment to Lee (who wisely didn't concur), she felt naturally hurt and indignant. Neji was, after all, attacking much more than Tenten's most cherished dream. And she couldn't think of any occasion when she had been "rescued" by either of her teammates!
She sprang from her hiding place and exclaimed: "Some teammate you are! Saying that I shouldn't be a ninja just because I'm a girl!"
Neji smirked. "I added that last bit because I knew you were back there eavesdropping. Stealth has never been your strong point."
Tenten gave him the filthiest glare she could muster, but his expression didn't change.
"I'll admit that you're a formidable fighter, Tenten. I have yet to meet a shinobi who can come close to your precision with throwing weapons. And your ninjutsu is strong, too."
"Then why--?"
"Because it doesn't matter," said Neji. "None of it matters. The more training shinobi acquire, the less advantage your natural abilities will give you."
Tenten stared at him. "What the hell, Neji? Weren't you the one who said that people are judged by their natural abilities? By the strengths they have before beginning as--" Tenten smirked-- "kunoichi?"
He gave a contemptuous snort. "The fact is, no matter how much you train, your physical strength will always be inferior--to even the laziest shinobi. Your skills in weaponry, precision, and ninjutsu can be acquired by anyone (well, except Lee) through practice. But no amount of training will give you the strength of a shinobi. That's why kunoichi are only liabilities during missions and that's why they should no longer be allowed to train as ninja." Then, as if that settled the matter, Neji turned and walked away.
Tenten was not-so-silently fuming and Lee just stood there... awkwardly.
"Um, if it's any consolation, Tenten, I think you're AWESOME!" he declared.
"...Thanks, Lee," she said. "But that won't save Neji from my wrath!"
And that was when Tenten decided that Neji needed a wedgie. But not just any wedgie. An Atomic Wedgie... no Jutsu!
"Yes," Tenten said, rubbing her hands together and cackling evilly. "Neji will surely regret the day he ever insulted ME!"
Lee slowly tiptoed away.
That very afternoon, Tenten engineered a plan so evil and masterful, Neji wouldn't even be able to spot it with his Byakugan.
But first, she needed instruction. She sauntered over to her sensei. "Um, Gai-sensei? I have a very important favor to ask you."
"Yes, my youthful student?"
"Will you teach me... the Atomic Wedgie no Jutsu?"
Gai just stood there.
"Sensei?"
"..."
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When training ended for that day, Tenten left quickly before either Lee or Neji (yeah, right) could say goodbye. Lee watched her go sadly.
"You know, Neji," he said. "What you said to Tenten was unfair. Kunoichi have proven time and time again that they can be just as competent as shinobi--if not more so, in many ways. They are often more diplomatic as team leaders and are definitely better suited to teamwork." He gave Neji a significant look. "There is no reason why women shouldn't be ninja."
Neji looked at Lee in disgust. "What are you--a feminist?"
"I just don't think you're being fair," said Lee. "Even if you don't think that women can be ninja, what was the point of making Tenten miserable?"
"That's just my way of keeping Tenten in her place and ensuring that she remembers her limitations," said Neji, as if that were OBVIOUS.
Lee shook his head. "You need to apologize."
Neji just gave him a smirk that seemed to say: "yeah, when hell freezes over."
So Lee also left training that day in a somewhat-less-than-happy mood. In fact, Neji was (for the first time ever) the HAPPIEST member of Team Gai!
But Tenten's quick exit had been merely a facade: a front she put up to fool Neji into believing that she had taken his words to heart. What she was REALLY doing (while Neji thought she was lamenting her lack of a penis) was gleefully plotting her evil plan! After every training session, she'd take those straw dolls she used for target practice and do the Atomic Wedgie no Jutsu! Of course, she gave the dolls underwear first. And, when she mastered the technique on the stationary dolls, she snuck up on her unsuspecting brother and...
"WTF?!" He was suddenly hanging from his bedpost--by his underwear. Tenten grinned and rubbed her hands diabolically. Her plan was now ready to put into action.
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Lee eyed Tenten cautiously as she sauntered on in to the training field, a manic glint in her eye. Since overhearing Neji's kunoichi rant, Tenten hadn't been quite right. Lee couldn't pinpoint what it was, but something was definitely off. Perhaps it was the diabolical sneer plastered to her face whenever Neji was around. Lee could just TELL that she was up to no good.
"Morning, Lee," she said pleasantly. "...Neji..." she added in a girlish croon, batting her eyelashes.
"Um, morning, Tenten," said Lee.
Neji just gave her a curt nod.
Lee had the feeling that, after three weeks of this strange behavior, Neji was finally beginning to regret his misogynistic remarks. Far from plunging Tenten into the depths of feminine despair, they had sent her straight to psychoville. So Lee was more than a little wary when Gai paired him up with Tenten in a sparring match. She ended up kicking his butt. For the first time ever.
"Surprised, aren't you?" remarked Tenten. "I bet you thought I'd never be able to beat you."
Lee looked awkward. "Well, I um, no! I always knew you'd, um--"
"Forget it. If you had your own set of beliefs about male superiority, you at least kept them to yourself. I just hope that, from now on, you'll treat me more like a rival than a damsel in distress!"
Lee continued looking awkward. "I'm sorry if I ever insulted you, Tenten. I've never thought of you as a damsel in distress."
Tenten sweatdropped. "Forget it, Lee. I'm still just pissed about Neji's kunoichi rant."
"He's always ranting about something," said Lee. "Don't let it bother you. Deep down inside, I don't think Neji's a very happy or secure person. He disparaged you for being a kunoichi, me for not knowing ninjutsu, and his own cousin just for being in the main house! But... he probably only does it to alleviate his own soul-crushing sense of inferiority."
Tenten blinked. "Or... he's just a bastard."
"Hm, or that..."
In the other corner of the training field, Neji and Gai's battle raged on.
"Maybe it's a side effect of Neji's curse seal!" exclaimed Lee. "Maybe forced submission to the main house has left Neji so bitter with resentment, he can't help being the way he is!"
Tenten sighed. This was like explaining basic addition to a kindergartner. "Or he's just a bastard."
By the time she finally swayed Lee to her point of view, Neji's match with Gai ended. And his bitter defeat made him even more bastardly than before. He glared at his two teammates as if it was their fault. The group then sat down in a little circle to have some lunch, though it was oddly silent and awkward. Of course, Neji and Tenten weren't really on speaking terms at the moment. And Lee and Tenten couldn't continue speculating on Neji's bastardliness since he was right next to them. So the trio ate in silence-- that is, until Gai suddenly bounded over from wherever he'd been hiding during lunch hour.
"Yosh!!" he exclaimed. "Now that you're all finished," (though none of them actually were) "we will resume our sparring!"
"But we just ate!" protested Tenten. "Couldn't we just do target practice or something until we digest!"
"The Springtime of Youth doesn't wait for digestion, Tenten! Because you fought Lee last time, I will now pair you up with Neji!"
Perhaps Tenten imagined it, but Gai gave her the most subtle of winks and put extra emphasis on 'Neji.'
She grinned. "Oh, all right, sensei. You win."
Neji glanced at his teammate suspiciously and Tenten gave him a shrug that seemed to say: "Can't fight fate." So, without further ado, Gai departed to the far corner of the training field with his mini-clone and his remaining students were left alone. Uh oh!
Neji put down his half-eaten sandwich with a sigh. "Let's make this quick, Tenten. I don't want to get cramps."
"Don't worry, Neji," she smirked. "This will be quick..."
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As Gai and Lee fought (with Lee faring little better than Neji), Lee stole cursory glances at his teammates. Like Neji, he was curious about what had just transpired between Gai and Tenten. Unfortunately, Lee gaze lingered a little too long because Gai suddenly caught him unawares with a powerful "Dynamic Entry!!"
"You weren't paying attention, Lee," said Gai sternly. "You should have been able to avoid that."
"Forgive me, Gai-sensei!" cried Lee, and the tears streaming down his face weren't just from the kick.
Of course, Gai was no match for Lee's tears and many hugs and crashing waves followed.
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Tenten and Neji were fighting in their usual style--with Tenten throwing numerous weapons, and Neji deflecting them with his Kaiten. He was so preoccupied dodging all the weapons, he didn't seem to notice Tenten advancing closer and closer...
Soon she was within three feet of him and Neji smirked. "Fool."
Close-range attack happened to be his specialty and he was more than willing to give Tenten the Gentle Fisting of her life. Before Neji could translate that thought to action, however, the unexpected happened. Tenten thrust out her leg and sent him sprawling to the ground. He actually tripped! She then sent several kunai in his direction, effectively affixing him to the spot by his long, flowing robes.
"...?"
Tenten cackled evilly. "Now I've got you exactly where I want you!"
Neji was in a compromising position, indeed, pinned to the ground in on all fours, his long hair falling over one shoulder like a curtain. He struggled and writhed, but those kunai refused to budge.
Tenten grinned and bent over his ear. "I know what we could do now, Neji-kun," she said in a sultry whisper.
Neji shivered.
"LET'S HAVE YOUR FUNERAL!!"
"?!?"
"Just kidding!" Tenten laughed. "But I've got to punish you somehow." And without preamble, she pulled down his pants to reveal the most violently magenta boxers she'd ever seen.
For the third time, the captured Hyuuga was rendered speechless.
"Pink boxers, huh? Now I'm feeling hot and bothered!" She made a few elaborate hand signs and yelled: "Atomic Wedgie no Jutsu!!"
Suddenly, a large chakra hand, attached to a larger chakra arm, snaked over to Neji's unsuspecting panties and it grabbed and yanked and lifted!
Before Neji could even blink, he found himself twenty feet in the air--dangling from a tree branch!
"TENTEN!!" he screamed.
"Bet you're wishing you'd gone commando today!" said Tenten, grinning up at the captive Hyuuga. "So tell me, Neji-kun... who just beat you?"
Neji muttered something incoherent, but most likely insulting.
"What? I couldn't hear you!"
"You did..." he mumbled.
"What?"
"YOU DID!! Now let me the hell down!!" he roared.
Tenten smirked. "First... who's the better ninja?"
A vein bulged in Neji's head and he shouted something that would certainly have gotten him punished by old Uncle Hiashi.
"Yeah, that wasn't quite the answer I was looking for," said Tenten, whipping out a polaroid and capturing the moment. "But I am willing to make due with this fine footage. Maybe Lee'll even help me make some flyers!" And, cackling, Tenten departed.
"Tenten? Tenten?! TENTEN!!!"
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Neji's screams echoed across Konoha, and somewhere in the sand village, the Kazekage looked at his two siblings and said, "...?"
So, Neji received his just retribution and everyone was happy. Tenten was naturally happy because, she proved that she kicked ass AND punished Neji, all in one shot. Lee was happy because Tenten's victory became a shining inspiration for him... and he also thought that Neji kind of deserved it. Gai was happy because Tenten tripled her subsequent training efforts and he attributed her new mad skills to his AWESOME teaching. And yes, even Neji was secretly happy because he was finally relieved of the erroneous belief that chicks couldn't be ninja.
Well, no, Neji wasn't really happy--but hey, you can't win 'em all.
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A/N: A completely random idea inspired by my sister saying "Neji" and "wedgie" in the same sentence. Of course, the idea was too good to waste. : ) Hope you enjoyed.