If words could make it real
I'd tell you how I feel
Instead I'm waiting here
On my knees love
I know how it feels to breathe
With you beside me
I think about it
Always
Bellamy's heart was heavy as he walked back through the gates of Camp Jaha. He didn't want to. Every ounce of his being screamed for him to follow her, to be with her wherever she went. His head, however, told him she needed space. He told himself it was fine. He could be patient. He had let the speech he'd rehearsed in his mind all the way back to Camp Jaha die on his lips when she said she was leaving. He was better unrehearsed anyway. And yet even repeating Clarke's own words back to her hadn't made her stay. He tried not to wonder if she would have changed her mind if he'd told her.
Clarke, he'd imagined himself saying, after she'd agreed to a drink. I know this isn't the right time, but I also know there will probably never be a right time. Something could happen to either one of us at any moment, and I can't go on without letting you know how I feel. I love you. I'm in love with you.
He flattered himself there was a chance she might feel the same way. He then of course would have made sure to let her know he wasn't putting any pressure on her and that she could do with that information what she would, but that he was always going to be there for her. As long as he was alive at least.
He hadn't imagined that he wouldn't get to say it. Because he didn't want to try and manipulate her into staying, as much as he wanted her to. He begged her, he pleaded with her. But he never tried to play with her feelings. And now she was gone indefinitely.
Kane walked up to him as Bellamy reentered the camp.
"Where's Clarke? Abby wants to see her," the former chancellor told him. Bellamy felt his throat close up as he struggled to get the words out without breaking down into a blubbering mess.
"She's gone," he managed to choke out.
"Gone?" Kane repeated incredulously. "Where?"
Bellamy shrugged. He hadn't asked. He wondered if Clarke even knew herself. Kane stared at him in disbelief.
"She'll be back though?" Kane queried, although his expression of concern gave away that he already suspected the answer.
"I don't know," Bellamy replied, his voice barely a whisper. He half expected Kane to reprimand him for letting her go, but the older man simply nodded in understanding and headed back to the medical tent, presumably to tell Abby the bad news. Bellamy was glad he didn't have to break the news to Clarke's mother himself, he wasn't sure she would be as forgiving as Kane. She had, after all, only just gotten her daughter back. Bellamy tried not to dwell on the fact that he'd only just gotten Clarke back as well, only to lose her once again.
Bellamy tried not to be mopey over the course of the next few weeks and he honestly thought he was doing a good job of it. That was until Octavia snapped at him one day to lighten up or go and find her.
"Find who?" Bellamy scowled, annoyed that his sister could see through him so easily.
"Don't be stupid Bellamy. Everyone misses her, okay? But you don't see Abby skulking around refusing to talk to anyone," Octavia pointed out.
"I talk to people," Bellamy defended.
"Telling people to leave you alone does not count as talking to them," Octavia snorted. Bellamy rolled his eyes. He wasn't sure if his sister was supposed to be making him feel better or worse. He thought about Octavia's words. Had he really been that bad? It was true he wasn't much of a conversationalist lately but he knew he had been better company than Jasper. He said as much to Octavia.
"Bellamy, the girl he loved, died and he still manages to have a laugh every now and then, now that he's forgiven Monty," Octavia told him.
"He hasn't forgiven me though," Bellamy muttered. He could hardly blame the boy though, it was his hand that had killed Maya, and looking at Jasper everyday only reminded him of that fact. He wished he had Clarke with him to share the burden. He shocked himself then as a he felt a surge of anger towards her for leaving him here without her. How selfish it was of her to make him carry the burden alone. He quickly cleared his mind of the toxic thought, knowing she was probably reliving every horrible thing they'd done to survive every night instead of sleeping, the way he did.
Octavia looked at him pityingly as if she could read his every thought.
"She'll come back," she assured him, but Bellamy could see the doubt in her eyes.
"I just… God, I miss her," Bellamy swallowed.
"It's hard, I know," Octavia whispered. "I can't help but think… it's my fault she left."
Bellamy looked at her in surprise.
"Your fault?" he said questioningly.
"Yeah I… I said some pretty harsh things to her," Octavia admitted.
"It's not your fault. She wanted to go." Bellamy said. Octavia nodded shortly and Bellamy put his arms around her. He wished her embrace was as comforting as he needed it to be, but it was enough for now.
After that, Bellamy managed to cheer up around camp. He still barely slept, and Clarke was always on his mind, but everyone noticed that he seemed to be in good spirits. It was all an act though, for the sake of morale.
The people of Camp Jaha did what they could to rebuild their society, building huts and planting seeds of the plants they'd discovered they could eat. Everyone had a job and the camp was always humming with life. In some moments Bellamy could almost forget everything they'd lost.
It was a month after Clarke had gone and Bellamy didn't think of her any less frequently. He was having a drink on a well earned break when Raven decided to join him.
"How goes the work?" she grinned as she sat down.
"Shitty. But you gotta do what you gotta do," Bellamy shrugged. "You?" He didn't want to admit he had no idea what Raven had been up to these past few weeks, he'd barely spoken to her and the thought shamed him.
"More relaxing now that people's lives aren't at stake," she replied. Bellamy knew she was trying to make a joke but neither of them managed a laugh. They sat in companionable silence for a moment as they slurped their drinks. Bellamy wished for the umpteenth time that day that Clarke were there with him.
"Do you think she's coming back?" he wondered aloud. He didn't doubt Raven would know who he was talking about. She probably wondered the same thing every day. He felt like an idiot for not talking to Raven about Clarke sooner, although Raven at least had Wick to talk to.
"She has to," Raven replied after a moment. "Everyone she loves is here." Raven looked at Bellamy meaningfully after her last comment, and he caught what she was insinuating plainly.
"She doesn't love me," Bellamy muttered, though his heart had skipped a beat at Raven's words. "If she did she wouldn't have left." Raven didn't bother to contradict him.
"It's strange, you know," she mused instead.
"What is?" Bellamy asked flatly. He didn't really want to know what was strange.
"That you didn't go after her. Everyone kind of just assumed that you two would end up together," Raven shrugged.
"Everyone?" Bellamy snorted. He very much doubted that, but Raven nodded solemnly. "And when did everyone decide this?" he asked her. He tried to sound nonchalant, but on the inside he was rattled that it appeared everyone could see how he felt about Clarke.
"Sometime between you two taking charge of a hundred kids together and Clarke letting hundreds of people die to save your skin," Raven stated matter-of-factly.
"She did that for the good of everyone," Bellamy muttered.
"She loves you," Raven told him again. Bellamy wondered if it could be true.
"She doesn't," Bellamy denied.
"She cares about you," Raven amended.
"It's not the same thing," Bellamy pointed out.
"Go find her," Raven urged.
"I wouldn't even know where to start."
He couldn't get Raven's words out of his head. They echoed in his mind when he closed his eyes to go to sleep that night, and he supposed that was better than the visions of innocent children being sentenced to death by his hand.
She loves you. She cares about you. Go find her.
I wouldn't even know where to start.
He wanted to find her, he really did. Every day that he was apart from her only made his the pain of being without her worse. He had heard the old adage that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but nobody ever said it also made the heart ache so much that you'd want to reach down your own throat and pull it out so you didn't have to feel it anymore.
Where would she go? The dropship? If she had been so close all this time and he had never bothered to check Bellamy would never forgive himself. Would she join the grounders? Even after they'd betrayed her so greatly? Or maybe she thought she'd try her luck finding the legendary City of Light, the way Murphy and Jaha had supposedly set off to do. He wondered briefly what had become of them. Dead probably, like everyone else.
She loves you. She cares about you. Go find her.
Bellamy threw back the covers on his bed forcefully, getting out of bed and throwing on shoes and a shirt. He was restless and he knew he wouldn't sleep so he decided to go for a walk in the moonlight. It was cool out but Bellamy barely noticed as he walked through the gates. They still had guards on duty of course, and they weren't really supposed to let anyone through after dark, but Bellamy looked so hopeless they couldn't bear to refuse him.
He didn't really know where he was going. Clarke was at the back of his mind as he wandered through the trees, but he was still at a loss as to where to even begin looking for her.
I thought I knew you, he thought to himself. He wondered if he'd been an idiot to think he knew anything about Clarke at all. He couldn't believe he'd even entertained the idea that she could love him back. It was obvious she didn't miss him like he missed her or she would have come back by now. She knew exactly where he was. Thoughts of her selfishness returned to him and he couldn't abolish them this time. How could she just leave? Like he didn't need her like he needed air to breathe. She left him to look at all the faces that she couldn't bear to look at. Didn't she get that they were in this together? Every choice she'd made, he didn't resent her for any of it because he knew he would have made the same ones if their roles had been reversed. They'd pulled that lever together and now she wanted to act like she was alone? He was unbelievably angry at her.
"You're not a martyr Clarke!" he yelled into the night. "How could you just leave like that?" He had no idea where he was now, he'd been walking without heed and now he felt he could be totally lost. "You had no right!" he yelled again to a nonexistent Clarke. "No right," he whispered.
"I know," came a voice from behind him. He whipped around, startled, to find himself looking at what could only be a ghost or some cruel figment of his imagination.
"Clarke?" he choked out. It was all he could manage under the circumstances.
"Bellamy," she breathed. She stepped towards him and Bellamy had to take a step back to stop himself from running forward and kissing her. He was still angry at her after all.
"Where did you go? Where have you been?" he asked her, though he still couldn't be sure she was totally real.
"I went to the dropship first," Clarke told him. "Then I spent some time with Lexa."
"Lexa," Bellamy didn't mean for the word to sound so venomous, but there was some pang of jealousy and bitterness that he couldn't control. "After what she did."
"She did what any of us would have done to save our people," Clarke told him. Bellamy hated that she was right. He could only grunt in response, unwilling to give Clarke the satisfaction.
"You could have let us know where you were. That you were alright. Anything could have happened to you. Your mom has been worried sick," Bellamy scowled. I've been worried sick, he failed to add.
"I know. Tell her I'm sorry," Clarke said.
"What are you doing here anyway? What happened to Lexa?" Bellamy asked her. He was irritated that their conversation was that of two acquaintances catching up on the street when there was so much more he longed to say to her, but he couldn't bring himself to open up just yet.
"I felt like walking," Clarke shrugged. "Then I heard you shouting. Why are you out here?"
"I felt like walking too," Bellamy said.
"Okay," Clarke nodded. "I should go."
"You aren't coming back?" Bellamy asked incredulously. Clarke shook her head slowly. "Goddamit Clarke, would you stop being so selfish?" he snapped. It wasn't fair, he knew it wasn't fair. He was the one being selfish. "Lexa doesn't need you. The Grounders don't need you. We do."
"If anyone's being selfish here it's you, Bellamy," Clarke said angrily. "No one has a clue what I've been through-,"
"I do," Bellamy cut her off. "I know better than anyone." Clarke was silent for a moment.
"You know I'm okay now. Isn't that all you wanted?" she said finally.
"All I wanted?" Bellamy spluttered. "Clarke I wanted you to come home. There hasn't been a minute that went by that you haven't been on my mind, replaying those last few moments, wondering what I could have said to make you stay, if I'd told you I love you would it have changed anything," Bellamy ranted. Clarke stared at him with wide eyes, her mouth slightly open in surprise.
"What?" Bellamy said.
"You love me?" she asked.
"What? No, I…" he trailed off. "Yes. I love you," he admitted.
"But you didn't come after me," Clarke said.
"I didn't think you wanted me to," Bellamy whispered. They stared at each other in silence for a moment. "Do you… I mean… do you feel the same way?" Bellamy asked, embarrassed. He didn't want to ask but he had to know.
"Yes," Clarke responded with a sharp nod of her head. That was all Bellamy needed to hear and he was next to her in two strides, his hands gripping her face as his lips crashed down on hers.
"Please come back to camp with me," Bellamy whispered into her mouth. "I can't bear to be without you."
"Okay," Clarke responded.