Unfaithful: Fight for dominance of the heart

Lavi/Allen/Kanda

Title: Unfaithful: Confusion

Rating: PG-13 (for blood and gore, some violence, adult situations and language; I apologize for the language, Allen and Kanda aren't good influences over each other)

Pairings: Lavi/Allen/Kanda

Size: Average Oneshot

Comment: AU. (Unfaithful! D. Gray Man)

Summary: Lavi and Allen have been going out for quite some time now, almost since they met. Allen truly loves Lavi but lately he's started seeing him more like a friend than a lover. He doesn't know what to do or how to tell him. To make matters more complicated, his partner Kanda has lately begun to show an interest in him. There's an undeniable attraction between the two of them, and no matter how hard Allen tries to fight it, he finds himself falling more for the stoic samurai. Now he finds himself balancing his relationship with Lavi and his growing feelings for Kanda. He has to make a choice. Who will have dominance over his heart?

Notes: I'll be switching back between Allen and Lavi's point of views, and later I'll add Kanda to the mix. I'll try to add a space between each switch, so it's less confusing. Also, their relationship is a secret. I'm working under the thought that this is the 19th century (1800s) and the Church was pretty big on destroying heretics back then if I remember correctly.

Unfaithful:

Confusion

Lavi leaned down and kissed Allen's neck, nuzzling his lover. At least four inches taller than this best friend and lover, he thought it would be awkward being with Allen at first but it was the exact opposite. Being so close in height made their bodies fit better together, whether it was innocent moments like this or more intimate moments like the one they'd shared in the bedroom only hours earlier. However, Lavi felt confused, though he wasn't sure if that was his own confusion or the confusion radiating from his lover.

Something was wrong. He knew something was wrong because Allen was pulling away from him. It wasn't as if he would jerk away or anything. Allen was too much of a gentleman to do something like that. No, he would subtlety put on the breaks when they'd reach a certain point. It wasn't all the time, but enough that Lavi noticed a growing pattern. Allen was pulling away from him, and with him, he was taking Lavi's heart. Lavi wasn't sure what to do.

Allen felt Lavi kiss his neck and nuzzle his cheek. He knew that his lover was clingy and normally he didn't mind but right now… He was confused. He needed time and space to himself. He felt as if he was suffocating in this relationship and that wasn't right. Lavi would never do anything to suffocate him or make him feel trapped. Yet, he did feel trapped. Trapped and tied down to Lavi in a way that had never bothered him before…until now. Now, while he didn't mind their more intimate moments, he wanted to pull away from the subtle advances his lover was making. Lavi wanted to move their relationship to the next level. Allen wasn't sure he wanted that anymore.

It didn't help that Lavi wasn't his partner in the Order anymore. Lavi and Bookman had been going on different missions from him for nearly four months now. He'd recently been partnered up with Kanda, since Koumi had this ridiculous assumption that Allen was out to seduce Lenalee away from him. Allen was almost tempted to tell him that he wasn't interested in women in general, much less tempting Lenalee away from him. Almost tempted.

Not only did he not want to deal with the aftermath of Koumi demanding why Lenalee wasn't good enough for him, he was also afraid. Afraid of what Koumi, or anyone else for that matter, would do if they found out he wasn't interested. The Order frowned upon same sex relationships. They were taboo, considered heretic relations and not accepted by the Church or the Pope. Not only could he and Lavi be thrown out of the Black Order if they were discovered, they could and probably would be tried as heretics. He wasn't willing to risk his neck and certainly not Lavi's, to shut Koumi up.

He sighed and gently pulled away from Lavi, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, Lavi. Not right now." He could hear the strain in his voice and it made him cringe.

Lavi, who'd made a move to wrap his arms around Allen again, paused and nodded, falling back on the bed. Allen could feel Lavi's eyes on him but he couldn't explain, couldn't tell him what was wrong. He didn't want to reject his lover when he wasn't even sure how he felt about his lover. Allen scrubbed his eyes with his right hand, his left hand hanging limply at his side. He started and whirled around suddenly.

Lavi had just gently touched Allen's left hand, wanting to comfort his lover. He knew Allen's policy on touching; anything was fine so long as he didn't touch his left hand. Allen was particular about it. It made him feel uncomfortable, like a freak, he'd once admitted to Lavi in private. He knew Allen's policy but he thought just this once, maybe it would be all right. From Allen's panicked, almost terrified expression, he shouldn't have tried. Allen jerked back for the first time, his face barely mastered back into a mask of calm. He looked down and without a word, grabbed the door and left Lavi's room. The door clicked quietly behind him. Lavi thought he might have felt better if he'd slammed the door.

Kanda watched the Moyashi walk stiffly into the cafeteria, which was almost empty. He walked over to the counter and ordered forty dango from Jerry before grabbing the tray. He plopped down at the nearest table to the exit, which happened to be his. To his surprise, the Moyashi inconspicuously swiped at his eyes, trying to subtly hide the redness of his eyes and the traitor tears still threatening to overflow. Kanda felt a pang in his heart he wasn't accustom to, and immediately the feeling became uncomfortable. He looked away and clucked his tongue angrily. "Che. What's wrong, Moyashi?"

The Moyashi looked away, not even bother to go through the pretense of glaring at him. He sniffed before replying. "My name's not Moyashi. It's Allen."

Kanda stared openly at him. Was he? "Are you actually crying, Moyashi?" He demanded.

The Moyashi shook his head but his voice broke when he spoke. "I'm n-not crying. I'm fine."

Kanda mentally debated as several silent moments passed between them. He didn't necessarily like the Moyashi but that didn't mean he wanted him to cry about anything. The Moyashi was supposed to have that stupid grin on his face and act as if he didn't have a care in the world. He shouldn't be acting like a weepy girl. He finally decided on a course of action and took it before his pride could win out and stop him from acting. He reached across the table and touched the Moyashi's left hand. The contact was brief, lasting only as long as it took him to stand but even that brief contact managed to change things between them. "Feel better." Kanda said gruffly before quickly pulling his hand away and stalking toward the exit.

"Kanda," the Moyashi called after him, making him pause. "Thank you."

The words were spoken softly but Kanda still heard them. He jerked his head in response and continued walking. He glanced back only to be confronted with the sight of the Moyashi staring at his left hand. There was a strange expression on his face as he regarded his hand, a look of awe mixed with something else. Was that tenderness? He shook his head and continued on his way. He still needed to do his daily training and meditate. He didn't have time for thoughts about the Moyashi or why he might be acting so oddly. He didn't notice Lenalee look between him and Allen as she headed into the cafeteria.

Allen lifted his hand and stared at it, wondering at the curiosities in the world. It had felt gross, disgusting even, when Lavi had touched his hand. The way it always felt when someone touched his left hand. He'd gotten used to that feeling when he'd lived and traveled with Mana and the circus, but after Mana had died, he stopped touching people with his left hand. The feel of it disturbed him, disturbed his heart. The feeling was detached, as though he was feeling someone else's hand for them and that feeling bothered him. Lavi touching his hand and making him feel like that had been a shock. He had thought it would at least be different with Lavi, seeing as he was his lover, but it wasn't.

It had been the shock that made him pull away further from Lavi. The shock that the feeling was still the same after all these years that made him want to run. It had been the shock that made him cry; running to the cafeteria for comfort food like a heartsick girl. He sighed heavily, lowering his hand. It had been a shock again when Kanda had touched his left hand. Not because it felt gross but because it felt warm. It felt good, felt right, when Kanda had touched his hand. It had felt nice holding Kanda's hand for that brief moment. Allen wondered briefly if that was a sign that Kanda was supposed to be his lover instead and almost laughed aloud. Kanda, his lover? The two of them would never be able to make it work!

He was chuckling when Lenalee sat down next to him. Her eyes lit up with concern when she noticed his eyes, still red with the telltale signs that he'd been crying. He should have felt bad for making her worry but he was still riding the slight high that Kanda's clumsy attempt to cheer him up had given. She reached out, perhaps to touch his cheek in an overly familiar attempt to cheer him up, but Allen wasn't comfortable with Lenalee touching his face. She was still a girl and still Koumi's sister. He didn't want her getting over familiar with him and getting the wrong idea. And he definitely didn't want Koumi getting the wrong idea.

He brushed her hand away reflexively and cringed, realizing too late that he'd used his left hand. Immediately, the warm sensation still left over from Kanda's touch dissipated. It was replaced with the same feeling that he always felt when someone else touched his hand; cold, unwelcoming tingles traveled up his arm heading straight to his heart. His smile faded along with the warm feeling. Lenalee looked at him in confusion but he merely shook his head and plastered on a fake smile. Like always, it was enough to placate her and she nodded encouragingly at him. He didn't hear her murmured words meant to make him feel better, though he nodded at the appropriate times. He didn't see her relax as she thought his mood lifted or notice Lavi come in and sit down across from him.

He glanced up and flashed a small, hesitant smile in Lavi's direction, reassuring him that they were still okay. Lavi's face lit up and when Lenalee wasn't looking, he slid his hand across the table to give Allen's right hand a quick squeeze. He immediately let go and feigned an attempt to steal one of the remaining dango on Allen's tray. Allen smiled at the act, secretly glad he didn't have to squeeze Lavi's hand back. He was still reeling from the shock of having so many people touch his left hand today. All that and he was still having trouble dismissing Kanda's touch, which threatened to linger even after Lenalee's touch. He shook his head, clearing those thoughts and concentrated on the conversation at hand. He didn't have time to worry about Kanda. The stoic swordsman wanted nothing to do with him after all. That was the way it had to be.