Discretion adviced: trigger warnings
Was it okay? Was it really, really okay?
Those were the thoughts that haunted her, the uncertainty of an ambivalent heart that screamed for answers that never came not from others but, from her own self.
She did not knew how it started, but biting became a coping mechanism.
First it was the nails.
Then the skin.
Afterwards, she came to the conclusion that it was not enough. Said pain just made her feel nice inside. So, so nice.
So she begun to open up the skin in her scalp.
Ah, that pain was a gratifying pain. A pain she felt was well deserved. A pain in the name of everyone that hated her and should be delivering their anger.
A disappointment, always a disappointment.
Why do people feel disappointed of others? Do they have to fulfill a specific role for them to be accepted? To be tolerated and loved?
What are expectatives anyway? What do people expect of me?
More unanswered questions clouded her mind and made her fall into an unending spiral of never ending despair. Ah, she could not wait for it to end soon.
Choking was not enough. So scared to try it again. Even still, she did it but alas, when the dizziness overcame her senses and her breath begun to stop, she left said grasp from her own neck and her vision returned. She had failed once again.
Such a huge fucking disappointment, she thought once again.
But that meant she had expectations for herself as well. If she can't quite fit the expectations for herself, how is she supposed to achieve the ones the others want out of her?
How do you even know what people expect of you?
Is there a manual? Because if there was one, she would be glad to own it and stop being a huge failure.
A small light of happiness appeared and she eluded it for so, so long. She does not deserve another chance of loving someone but still, she jumped thinking things would be okay but, when you gain something like happiness there is always room for a major loss. And that major loss was not the close relationship she had formed over those few years, but perhaps from a friend.
She had ignored them a while back because of her self-deprecation, she was being harsh on herself as always and shunned herself away from everyone. She did not deserve their encouraging words and lukewarm light.
So, whatever this situation that is happening at the moment might be called, if she is being ignored she is not on the place to whine about that after doing it for two weeks. She has no right to complain or even say a word about it.
But oh, it hurts. Was this what they felt? Only they know, not her.
She lost a friendship over giving herself a chance to love herself again.
"You've had your toll of bad experiences. You deserve to be happy with someone, give yourself a chance again. It's your time."
If she had not fell for those words by a close confidant, she would never had jumped into the pool and drowned herself not into the chance of attempting to feel something for someone again, but in the anxiety caused by ignorance.
That is why she choked and choked and choked and choked but failed.
She had failed once again.
She was a huge failure.
A huge disappointment.
She had to be deleted.
Hikari jumped off the building, leaving regrets behind, unfulfilled promises and people who cared about her. She knew. She knew it well.
But she knew even more she did not deserve it at all.
Not at all.
Ah, wish I could redo my life from scratch, was her last thought before her head splattered against the concrete, her last heartbeat echoing in the eternal darkness.