The Lost Ones

"I can feel you staring at me. Why don't you just come in?" Katara snapped, glaring at the bedroom doorway. Then she peered back at the dresser.

She knew her husband was at the door, hesitating, and it was aggravating her. Maybe because she wanted him to automatically know what she needed. She wasn't even sure if she wanted him to comfort her or leave her alone. Part of her knew it wasn't fair to keep him in the dark about her feelings, but she wasn't in the mood to care.

Zuko slowly made his way to the bed and perched next to her. Her tone of voice had him on edge, clearly evident by the extra space he left her when he sat down.

"Are you in pain?" he asked gently and Katara shook her head in frustration, a bitter smirk on her face. What the hell did he think the answer to that question was?

"I'm sorry. That was a stupid thing to say," he interjected before she could get the cutting response past her lips. Instead her vision blurred and she blinked, letting two hot tears spill down her cheeks. She would have sworn she had cried them all but apparently there were a few left.

Zuko gently ran his fingers across the taut muscles of her neck and she knew he was testing her reaction. After a tense moment of silence she sighed, laying her head on his shoulder. She didn't have the energy to be angry with him. She needed him. And this wasn't even his fault. If anything, it was hers. It was her body that kept failing at this, after all.

Twelve weeks. The pregnancy had lasted twelve weeks this time. Her doctor insisted she try to focus on the positive. At least it was four weeks longer than last time. They were making progress.

That fact did nothing to comfort her. It only meant she had longer to imagine the future; longer to start building that bond. She knew the flicker of a heartbeat had already started. They had seen it with their own eyes during the ultrasounds. And that tiny, adorable shape on the screen had even started moving. Zuko had smiled, really smiled, and they both had gazed at each other in secret relief. Maybe this was the little one they would finally get to meet.

But it wasn't to be. Sure enough, the bleeding started. She remembered how it felt before and instantly tried to disconnect herself. Then, the cramping kicked in and she knew it was really over. The pain was bad this time and she was reduced to lying in bed, curled in a ball, silent tears constantly streaming down her cheeks.

Zuko had given her space, only coming in the room to leave her food she barely ate, pain medicine she refused to take, and to sleep next to her. It was at night that her defenses broke all the way down. She would weep into her pillow and he would wrap her up from behind, pulling her into his torso. He remained there, quietly holding her, with only the occasional sniffling and halted breaths letting her know he was shedding tears right along with her.

She'd been through this once before. So why did it feel like the first time all over again?

She hadn't even realized she was crying again until she was jolted out of her painful memories by him encircling her in his arms. She could barely breathe as anguished sobs tore through her.

"This hurts t-too much," she choked out. The words sounded strangled and broken to her ears.

Zuko held her firmly to his chest. He rested his cheek against her forehead and that's when she felt the dampness on his face.

"I'm sorry, Katara. I wish I could take it all away. I'm so sorry." Zuko could barely speak and Katara slipped her arms around him, attempting to comfort him.

How selfish she had been, focused on her own pain when this was hurting him just as much. He had latched on to the idea of children even faster than she did. He had begun kissing and talking to her belly almost immediately after the positive tests. He was the one with names picked out and onesies purchased.

She took his face in her hands, gently wiping his tears away.

"I'm sorry for being so distant and mean. You're hurting, too, and I'm just focused on myself."

Zuko shook his head almost angrily.

"No, Katara. Don't do that. We're going through this together. But you're also dealing with the physical side of this. I know it hurts even more."

Fresh tears came as Katara nodded. He was right. She had felt the nausea and fatigue that was common at the beginning. She had even begun to notice her midsection starting to expand. As much as she tried to deny it, the pregnancies were real.

"I miss them," she said quietly. "I still wonder what they would have looked like. Were they boys or girls? Did they have your beautiful eyes or my hair?"

Her voice broke then and she released a shuddering breath.

"It's silly, I know. They were barely growing for 3 months but…" she trailed off.

"They were ours, no matter how early on we lost them," he assured her. His eyes searched hers desperately, as if willing her to truly understand his words. "From the moment they were conceived and their little hearts started beating, they were our babies. No one can take that away from us."

She nodded. Her breathing felt less ragged and she could sense herself calming down. But now she felt physically and emotionally exhausted.

She leaned against Zuko, closing her eyes. He was always so warm and comforting. She snuggled into him as deeply as she could and he wrapped her up tightly, kissing the top of her head.

She knew she would have to face these feelings again tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. Pretty much anytime she was reminded of the loss would be painful. But for now, she was content to remain in Zuko's strong, protective embrace.