Author's Note: The third out of ten oneshots I decided to upload to make up for my long absense. This one's another crack – ever since Hetalia and USUK/UKUS, I've been writing and thinking of crack. I hope you'll lose your arse laughing at crack fanfiction and even when that happens, please don't forget to review! No flames but critique's are welcomed!
Pairing(s): AmericaxEngland / AlfredxArthur
Genre(s): Humor
Warning(s): Suggested Themes, Shounen-Ai
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction by a fan for fans. Hetalia Axis Powers rightfully belongs to Hidekaz Himaruya.
"Creamed Trousers"
By nature, Arthur would always – ALWAYS – blame someone else for whatever crap landed on him. Today, that someone was Alfred and just like any day, Arthur had good reason to blame Alfred for the crap he was in. Actually, he could put all the blame on Alfred this time without feeling a bit guilty.
As Arthur stood in the dressing room, staring at his glare on the mirror, he recalled all the times when Alfred was to blame for the messed up day he was currently having.
It all started when Alfred jumped out of bed an hour earlier than he usually did. Of course, this surprised Arthur and pissed him off. Despite the countless times he'd demanded Alfred to wake up early, he didn't like his sleep to be disturbed even if it was only an hour earlier.
Since Alfred was grinning like a little child, Arthur let it slide and didn't yell at the American for being so loud in the morning and for disrupting his sleep. Instead, he'd told Alfred to shower while he would make them breakfast.
As Alfred showered upstairs, Arthur was in the kitchen hoping to make his lover a healthy breakfast. But with nothing in the cupboards and the refrigerator except a bowl of chocolate ice cream, Arthur was once again pissed off. He refused to eat chocolate ice cream for breakfast, it was unheard of! And the git didn't have tea either!
"You git! What the bloody hell is this?" Arthur exclaimed the moment Alfred strolled into the kitchen.
"Uh, ice cream?" Alfred replied, cocking an eyebrow at Arthur while he quietly asked himself if that was a trick question of some sort that would eventually lead on to using that bowl of ice cream for some sweet dessert they would both enjoy.
"When was the last time you went to stock up?" Arthur gritted his teeth, "The kitchen is damned empty except for this useless thing!"
"Hey, that wasn't useless when you forgot to bring the lube!"
"GAH! SOD OFF!" Arthur exclaimed, throwing the bowl of ice cream at Alfred but luckily, the American evaded it in time.
After that scene in the kitchen, Arthur had gone up to the bathroom to shower only to yell a string of colourful words and phrases the moment the water landed on his pale skin.
"Arthur!" Alfred gasped, running into the bathroom, "What happened?"
"You inconsiderate bastard!" Arthur glared at the fully clothed American while pointing the duck-shaped sponge at him. "You used up all the hot water!"
"There wasn't any to begin with, that's why I told you we should shower together."
"SOD OFF!"
"I can always take another bath." Alfred grinned.
"GET THE HELL OUT!" Arthur exclaimed, blushing bright red, as he threw the sponge at his lover.
After Arthur had changed his clothes for the day, both he and Alfred were off to get breakfast. Unfortunately for him, they ended up eating a McDonald's with Alfred buying since Arthur knew next to nothing when it came to fast food.
Arthur stared at pancakes before him – he didn't know McDonald's served pancakes, this was like a new discovery for him.
"Hey, they have other stuff aside from burgers and fries, you know." Alfred said, chuckling at Arthur's face.
"I-I knew that!" Arthur muttered and found his fork and knife to attack the pancakes with.
"Sure," Alfred grinned as he took the butter and spread it on his pancakes. "They didn't have tea except for iced tea but I knew you hated that stuff and coffee so, I got you hot chocolate instead."
Arthur blushed lightly from hearing Alfred's concern over him, it made him feel all tingly inside and he wanted to sit on Alfred's lap but there was no way he gonna do that. "Thanks."
"No problem!" Alfred grinned.
There shouldn't have been any other problems but it just wasn't Arthur's day.
They were about to leave McDonald's and shop for groceries when a kid, carrying a cup of steaming hot chocolate was running towards them. The kid tripped on Alfred's shoelaces and the cup of steaming chocolate landed on the centre of Arthur's cream-coloured trousers.
Colourful words and phrases erupted from the Brit's mouth and a handful of children within the area were eternally scarred.
And that was the reason why he was in a dressing room of some American clothing store. He couldn't walk around the city with a brown stain on his crotch. Everyone would stare and laugh. Alfred had.
So, he didn't have much of a choice. Alfred had taken him inside this store and pushed him in a dressing room while he went off to find Arthur some trousers.
"What size are you looking for, sir?" The saleslady asked.
Alfred thought for a moment then shrugged, "I dunno. He has a waist like a girl's."
The lady's smile was unwavering, in fact it brightened as she gestured towards a rack of pants, "We have girly-waist sized pants for men right here, sir."
"Oh." Alfred blinked and followed the lady. "That's convenient."
"We've got a wide range of prints and styles, feel free to pick out whatever you want for your uke."
"My what?" Alfred gasped at the lady.
"Oh, I just said these UK flag pants look good." She replied, showing Alfred a pair of rugged and torn jeans with the Union Jack spray painted on it.
Alfred stared at the pants and broke to a grin, "Do have one with the Stars and Stripes?"
"Yes, we do, sir." The lady then showed Alfred a small flier, "We actually have a line called Pants of the World: Ancient to Future. We even have the Grand Union flag."
"...I'll just get the Stars and Stripes, please." Arthur would break down and cry if I gave him those pants.
"You're sure you don't want the Grand Union?"
"Hell no." Or he would murder me. Nah, he'd probably cry and shut himself in his island again.
"Fine." The lady muttered, "I'll get the Stripes. Jeez."
Alfred watched as the lady went to get the pants and heard her muttering something about fangirls and yaoi whatever those meant. Five minutes later, the lady was back with the pants. Alfred frickin' loved it and he knew Arthur was gonna frickin' hate it.
"These are perfect." Alfred snickered and handed the pants back to the lady. "I'll pay for these now so he'll be forced to wear it. So, can you please take it to dressing room two?"
"Oh, no problem." The lady grinned.
In the dressing room, Arthur sighed impatiently. How long was Alfred going to take? He was already freezing in here! He had discarded his stained pants since it was damp and he didn't want to get a rash, especially when he was with Alfred.
"Excuse me, sir." A lady knocked.
"What?" Arthur snapped.
"Your boyfriend got these pants for you." The lady replied not in a teasing voice.
Arthur turned red and opened the door but only let his head out, glaring at the lady. "He is not my boyfriend."
"Whatever." The lady rolled her eyes and held out the pants, "Lover then."
"Y-You!" Arthur hissed, grabbing the pants and shutting the door before he could kill the girl. "Stupid wench!"
As he muttered a rainbow of phrases, he placed on the pants. After zipping it up, he stared at his reflection on the mirror. His expression was a perfect imitation of The Scream.
There was abso-bloody-lutely no way he was going to walk around wearing the Stars and Stripes!
"Hey, Artie!" Alfred cheerfully called, "You done yet?"
"No!" Arthur gasped, "You git! Get me something else to wear! I refuse to wear these horrid trousers!"
"They don't have anything else that would fit your girly waist." Alfred replied as he pushed open the door to the dressing room. "Besides, I paid for it already. And it's just pants. Let's just get moving!"
"I'd rather walk naked than wear these in public!" Arthur glared at the taller man.
"You serious?" Alfred grinned, close to laughing.
"Oh, just sod off!" Arthur frowned, throwing his stained trousers at Alfred before pushing the American out of the way. "I'm going home!"
He just couldn't believe this. It was a nightmare, a bloody nightmare. There was no way that he, the proud United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, was shopping for groceries in the United States of America while wearing pants with the Stars and Stripes printed on them.
"Oh, wow!" Alfred beamed excitedly, "Man, those jeans are awesome, Artie! They even have my name sprayed on the back!"
Arthur stiffened as Alfred happily skipped to the chocolate aisle. The Englishman gulped and looked at his behind.
"Oh my God." Arthur choked from seeing that there was indeed, the word America sprayed on his behind for all the world to see. "Why is it always me? Why can't Kiku be the one wearing these pants? Jesus!"
Then he paused and after frowning to himself, the cogwheels in his mind showed him an image of Kiku wearing the horrid trousers. Arthur's godly brows furrowed, disturbed by the mental picture.
No, there was no way he could accept seeing Kiku wear Alfred's flag. It would seem like Kiku belonged to Alfred or something and he most certainly was not! Arthur was happily occupying that seat, thank you very much. Not that he would ever admit to it out loud.
"Dammit." A deep blush covered his cheeks as the wheels of his brain showed him another picture. This time it was of himself lying down on Alfred's large bed butt naked if not for the unzipped trousers clinging loosely on his girly waist.
"Hey, Artie!" Alfred exclaimed, shocking Arthur out of his perverse thoughts. "Look what I found!"
Arthur's eyes darted from side to side, trying to avoid looking at Alfred's face. "E-Er... W-What?"
"It's hamburger flavoured pancake syrup!"
"..."
"Ain't it awesome?" Alfred grinned then placed the bottle of... hamburger syrup on the cart. "We should so have pancakes for dinner tonight!"
Embarrassed from thinking perverted thoughts and shocked from the monstrosity of hamburger flavoured syrup, Arthur just kept his mouth shut. Only in America.
"I'll get your eggs!"
"What?" Arthur snapped, staring wide-eyed at Alfred.
"I said, I'll go get the eggs." Alfred shrugged, "You know, for the pancakes."
"O-Oh, sure. You do that. I... I'll just go get the... the um..." Arthur stuttered, quickly trying to think of something to buy and thankfully, he saw the sign. "...milk." Oh, crap.
"All right!" Alfred nodded then grinned, "Hey, I'm lusting for some banana split. Since you're going to get milk, why don't you get whipped cream and ice cream, too? I'll be the one to grab the bananas and peanuts."
"Right." Arthur nodded and watched as Alfred skipped away. When he was about to be on his way to get milked, I mean, the milk and cream, he felt a stinging pain from his vital regions.
He looked down and cursed. Dammit, the pants were getting a bit too tight.
Arthur Kirkland, you are one sodding wanker. Arthur sighed deeply as he scolded himself and held on to the grocery cart. Just get the milk so you can leave this place before you cream your pants.
"What the hell happened to you?" Alfred gasped when saw the state Arthur was in.
"A kid with a cone of ice cream tripped and his ice cream landed on the trousers." Arthur muttered, this was just not his day.
Alfred chuckled and placed the stuff he gathered into the cart. He magically took out a towel from his jacket and slightly bent down to wipe away the cream on Arthur's pants.
Arthur's face turned red and from embarrassment, he pushed Alfred away. "You git! I can do that myself!"
"The pants were less than a day old and you managed to get it dirty." Alfred pouted.
"Not my fault!" Arthur huffed. He yanked the towel from Alfred and slapped it on his crotch, which wasn't a good idea considering his current predicament. He held his breath to stop whatever sound was about to erupt out from him. This could not be happening.
Alfred blinked at his lover's red face and half-lidded eyes. He got up from his position on the floor and stood closely to the Englishman.
"Arthur, did you just cream on the pants?"
At the moment, Arthur no longer gave a damn and just leaned his head on Alfred's chest as a low groan escaped his lips.
The End
Author's Note: My uncle who works and lives at Alfred's place sent a box full of gifts. He got me some pants and one of those pants had the word America on it. Obviously, I tried those on first. Then I placed on my Union Jack shoes. It was too much to bear that collapsed on my bed, giggling like the obsessed fangirl that I am.
Saleslady: We also have Union Jack and Stars and Stripes g-strings!
Me: Okay, yeah. That's enough, you obsessed fangirl, you. Say goodbye to the readers, now.
Saleslady: Fine... Good bye, readers! Thank you for stopping by to read crack fanfiction! Please don't forget to leave a review before you exit. Critiques are very much welcomed but please don't leave any flames. Our pants aren't fire proof or seme proof.
Me: You should never sell seme-proof pants to ukes.
Saleslady: But you can so sell skirts to them even if they aren't Scottish.
Scotland: It's not a skirt! It's a kilt!
Me: Right. Whatever. 8D Thank you and good night/afternoon/noon/day!