Dealer's Wild
"So are you in?" Remy asked.
"I am thinking," Piotr said as he studied the cards in front of him. The Acolytes were seated around a large table in the recreation room.
"Come on Russian," Sabertooth growled sitting on Piotr's left. "It's a simple choice. Either you think he has club in the hole and fold or you go and call his bluff."
"If it is a bluff there's no way to beat out your pair of ladies. You'll take the hand," Remy told him. "If it's a bluff."
Piotr looked at the two queens, six and jack in front of him for moment, then at the four clubs opposing them. "I do not think he is bluffing. I fold."
"Yes!" Pyro cheered sitting to Piotr's right. He brushed aside his cards and reached for the large pile of chips in the center. "Come to poppa!"
"Nice hand homme. Well played," Remy smiled as he collected the cards and smartly shuffled the deck. "Okay, ante up gentlemen! The night is young and the deck is hot!"
"Not for me it is not," Piotr said looking at his small stacks of chips.
"I could fix that," Pyro smiled as he cut the deck and whipped out his lighter. "All it would take is one little flame and..."
"Forget it Pyro! You can not set any of the cards on fire!" Remy quickly grabbed the deck back. "Okay, the game is five card draw..."
"Hey, what do you think you're doing?" Sabertooth growled snatching the deck from Remy's hands. "You know you're not allowed to deal."
"Oh come on," Remy protested, offended. "Do you really think I'd go and stack the deck in the middle of a hand?"
"Hmmm, let me think about it for a second," Sabertooth pretended to rub his chin in thought. "Yes!"
"You have done it before," Pyro added sitting to Remy's left. "It's fine when you go and cheat other people at playing cards, but not against us!"
"I've never cheated at cards while playing against any of you guys!" Remy defended heatedly. "And I never will!"
"Yeah right," Sabertooth mocked sitting on Remy's right. "Face it Cajun. You can't help yourself. You manipulate the cards every time you hold a deck in your hand. You practically need to cheat."
"Does this look like I need to cheat?" Remy indicated the towering stacks of chips in front of him. "Cheating is only for those who lack skill. And I have skill."
"Well, maybe you do," Pyro shrugged. "But that still doesn't mean you won't cheat."
"For the last time, I will not cheat!" Remy snapped. "Piotr, you believe me don't you?"
"Oh, I believe you," Piotr nodded sitting across from Remy. "But that does not mean I trust you."
"You wound me homme," Remy placed a hand over his heart. "I am deeply hurt."
"Not enough," Sabertooth grumbled. "I don't see any blood."
"Sorry Gambit. But you know the rules," Pyro shrugged. "Because of your master card handling skills you aren't allowed to deal. Shuffle, yes. But not deal."
"Do not feel singled out," Piotr said. "Sabertooth plays under a set of restrictions too."
"Hey, don't compare my situation to the Cajun's," Sabertooth absently scratched at the large pair of noise reduction earmuffs he wore during poker games. "My poker abilities are natural. I can't control them."
"No, but you can use them to listen to our heartbeats and smell when we are bluffing," Pyro pointed out. "Speaking of which, it's spraying time!"
"I know," Piotr picked up a large can of deodorant and sprayed it in Sabertooth's face.
"Arrrggghhh!" Sabertooth coughed several times. "Do you really need to do that at the start of every hand?"
"Yep. Can't take any chances of it wearing off," Pyro smiled innocently. "At least we're using that spicy barbecued moose scent you like."
"Yeah, yeah," Sabertooth grunted and handed the card deck to Piotr. "Will someone just start dealing already?"
"Well I would if you just let me," Remy grumbled.
"Remy," Piotr gave him a warning look.
"Fine," Remy pouted, giving in. "But the rest of you deal so slow. And without any technique."
"It's dealing cards for crying out loud. You don't need technique," Sabertooth growled as Piotr dealt the cards in the order they would be if Remy was the dealer. "Stop acting like you're so insulted. We still let you shuffle the cards, don't we? I'm not even allowed to do that."
"That's because you scratch them with your nails every time you do it," Remy shot back. "Like you're intentionally trying to mark them or something.
"They're claws! Not nails, claws! Got it?" Sabertooth growled dangerously at him. "And are you trying to accuse me of cheating?"
"What's the matter? Can dish it out, but can't take it?" Remy snapped at him.
"May we please get on with the game?" Piotr tried to prevent things from breaking into a fight.
"Yeah," Pyro chimed in. "You blokes can go and argue about stuff later."
"Grrrrrr, alright. Fine," Sabertooth grumbled and picked up his cards. He glanced at Pyro. "Well Firebug?"
"I'm in for five," Pyro replied tossing in a chip.
"I don't know why you're all so concerned about cheating around here," Remy said as Piotr called the bet. "It's not like we're playing for real money."
"That's because the Russian won't let us," Sabertooth grunted tossing in a chip. "I'm in."
"So?" Piotr looked at him as Remy threw in a chip as well.
"So it's boring," Sabertooth snorted.
"I do not think so," Piotr replied. "I just do not believe in risking things of value on games of chance."
"But you take part in races and betting pools around here all the time," Remy said as the Acolytes discarded and drew cards.
"Well, yes," Piotr shifted uncomfortably. "But only small amounts. And only when I can afford it."
"Whatever," Sabertooth rolled his eyes and studied his hand.
"I bet ten," Pyro tossed in another pair of chips.
"Fold," Piotr set aside his cards face-down. "I still do not understand the appeal of this game. It focuses too much on one's ability to lie."
"Hey, there's a lot more to poker than just that," Remy said as Sabertooth raised the bet to thirty. "Knowing when to bluff, when to gamble, when to hold tight to your cards, and when to walk away and go home. Those are skills you can learn in poker and apply to everyday life."
"Really?" Piotr looked at him in consideration.
"Really," Remy smiled and slid forward a stack of chips. "Like right now I think I've got both Sabes and Pyro beat. I bet fifty."
"And I think you're talking through your hat," Sabertooth snapped.
"Well I don't since Gambit doesn't wear a hat," Pyro slapped down his cards. "I fold."
"Smart man," Remy turned and gave Sabertooth an impish smile. "Looks like it's just you and me, Sabes. Still think I'm bluffing?"
"Does this answer your question?" Sabertooth growled reached for more chips. "I see your fifty and raise you a hundred."
"I see you hundred and raise you one hundred more," Remy threw in more chips.
"Call," Sabertooth grinned pushed in his chips. "What'cha got?"
"Read 'em and weep Sabes," Remy smiled and laid down his hand. "Broadway."
"Arrggghhh!" Sabertooth stared at Remy's ace through ten straight and threw down his cards in disgust. He had been holding three kings. "I don't believe this! That hand must have been rigged!"
"Hey, don't look at me," Remy grinned as he raked in his chips. "I'm not allowed to deal the cards, remember?"
"Grrrrrr," Sabertooth glared at Remy dangerously.
"Too bad you threw away that four during the draw," Remy remarked to Sabertooth as Pyro scooped up the cards. "Paired with the other four you drew you would have had a full house."
"What?" Piotr looked at Remy in amazement. "How did you know what Sabertooth held?"
"It's all in the eyes homme," Remy grinned placing a finger near his eye. "Learn a person's body cues and you can read their hands like a book. By the way, next time don't hold onto an ace with a pair of threes. Toss it and draw another card."
"Uh, okay," Piotr blinked, impressed.
"How did you manage to fill that straight?" Sabertooth was still complaining about the last hand. "You only took one card!"
"Ah, but it was the queen of hearts," Remy smirked. "I knew my luck lady would come through."
"Oh no," Sabertooth groaned. "Not that garbage again."
"What is it with you and the queen of hearts?" Pyro asked as he shuffled the deck. "Do you have a crush on her or something?"
"Nope. It goes much deeper than that," Remy said as he threw in his ante. "She reminds me of the time I met and learned from the best thief in the world."
"Congress?" Pyro guessed.
"No," Remy got a distant look in his eye. "I was about nine years old. Got caught up in some trouble and nearly died by falling out of an airplane."
"That does not sound very lucky," Piotr commented.
"It was the queen of hearts that saved my life," Remy ignored Sabertooth and continue with the story. "She caught her attention and soon I was being hauled into the plane by none other than the queen of thieves herself."
"Her?" Sabertooth gave him a look. "You're saying the best thief in the world is a woman?"
"Oh yeah. She is the best," Remy smiled reveling in the memory. "Stealing, evading, escaping, she does it all. She even let me work with her for a while."
"Why? Because you were young and showed a whole lot of potential?" Pyro asked.
"Well that and because the thieves she usually worked with were dumber than rocks," Remy shrugged. "And she thought I was a pretty cute kid."
"Bet she wouldn't say that now," Sabertooth quipped.
"I learned so much from her," Remy sighed dreamily. "She's the one who inspired me to start wearing a trench coat. Man, she was incredible! I watched her as she stole the Colosseum, the Panama Canal, the International Date Line..."
"Wow!" Pyro looked at Remy with wide eyes. "That's great! What a sheila!"
"She does not sound like that nice of a person to me," Piotr frowned.
"Don't worry homme. She's never actually hurt anyone. And all the big, important stuff she steals always ends up being recovered anyway," Remy waved Piotr's comment aside. "It's the challenge that she's interested in. And acquiring a little spending money on the side."
"Of course," Piotr groaned.
"It was a sad day when I finally left her side and returned home," Remy sighed wistfully. "I gave her my queen of hearts card to remember me by. I'll never forget her though. Wide-brimmed hat, red trench coat, nice set of legs..."
"Awww, that's so sad," Pyro sniffed. "Did you ever see her again?"
"Na, she travels around a lot. Usually while being chased," Remy shrugged. "She's really hard to find."
"Enough with this excerpt from the Cajun's lost years," Sabertooth growled and reached across the table to cut the deck. "Let's get back to the reason why we're here."
"To relax and enjoy being in one another's company?" Piotr ventured.
"What?" Sabertooth gave a loud guffaw. "Ha ha ha! That's a good one!"
"Okay, break time is over. Let's get back to business," Remy returned his focus to the cards. "What's the game?"
"Five card stud, nothing wild," Pyro said as Piotr gave Sabertooth's face another shot of deodorant. Pyro dealt out one card to each player and then another card to them face up. He read them off as he did so. "Five, ten, eight, dealer gets a two. Ten high bets."
"Check," Sabertooth grumbled irritably.
"Check," Remy announced smoothly. Pyro and Piotr followed suit.
Pyro dealt the next round of cards. "Jack, seven, ace, three."
"Ace high checks," Remy said.
"Check," Pyro echoed.
"Check," Piotr sighed.
"I bet five," Sabertooth tossed in some chips.
"Call," Remy matched the bet.
"Me too." Pyro and Piotr each added their chips.
Pyro called out the next set of cards. "Pair of Jacks for Colossus. Pair of tens for Sabertooth. Five, no help for Gambit. And a big king for me. Colossus, your bet."
"Um," Piotr thought for a moment. "I bet ten."
"I'll see the ten and raise twenty," Sabertooth stared at him.
"Oooh, looks like the price of poker just went up," Remy quipped as he matched the bet. "Be careful you don't get too overconfident there Sabes."
"Look who's talking," Sabertooth shot back. "You're the one who lost five hundred and forty chips in a single hand two weeks ago!"
"I had a boat! Queens over nines!" Remy protested. "I thought for sure they only had two pair."
"Oh we did," Pyro reminded him with a grin. "Two pairs of sixes! Though it was Charlene's idea to hold on to the original pair. I wanted to try for a flush. But we still managed to clean you out!"
"That's why no one is allowed to bring stuffed animals to the table anymore," Remy muttered.
"And there is too much of a risk that they will get messed up," Pyro added.
"Yeah, yeah," Remy tried to change the subject. "Are you in for thirty or not?"
"Some card shark you are," Sabertooth scoffed as Pyro folded. "At least I never got beat and trounced by a stuffed platypus."
"Not in cards anyway," Remy muttered. "You in Piotr?"
"Why not?" Piotr slid forward some chips.
"'Attaway Colossus. Staying in until the end," Pyro cheered and dealt out the last round. "Nine, no help there. Queen, no help for Sabertooth. And a pair of eights for Gambit."
"I think I'll check," Remy glanced at his hole card.
"I will bet, um, twenty," Piotr hesitated for a moment.
"Stop trying to bluff, Russian. You ain't very good at it," Sabertooth snorted at him. "Here's your twenty and another thirty on top of that."
"Call me crazy, but I'll call," Remy threw in his chips. "Can't let Sabes get away with buying out the pot."
"Fold," Piotr sighed dejectedly.
"Ha!" Sabertooth grinned and flipped over his hole card. "Tens and sevens. Take that Cajun!"
"Thanks, but I like what I have just fine," Remy revealed his hole card.
"WHAT?" Sabertooth gaped at Remy's ace in the hole.
"Looks like I beat you again, Sabes," Remy grinned and collected the pot. "Aces and eights. The dead man's hand."
"That's not the only dead man there's gonna be around here," Sabertooth prepare to pounce on him.
"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?" Magneto barged into the room and stormed up to the table. "Oh no! Are you idiots playing poker again?"
"Well we're not playing pinochle that's for sure," Remy quipped.
"I thought you fools would have stopped playing after what happened last time," Magneto glared at the Acolytes. "Are you playing that stupid chili pepper eating variation again?"
"Nope," Remy shook his head. "This time we're playing for paintballs."
"Huh?" Magneto blinked.
"See, each chips stands for one neon colored paintball," Remy explained as he brought out a paintball gun. "After each person has dealt three times we give ourselves our corresponding winnings in paintballs and then let loose!"
"It's a lot more fun than playing for just chips," Pyro grinned loading up his gun. "And it's a great way to let out our card frustrations than beating each other up."
"And since the last hand was the end of another dealing cycle..." Remy slipped on a pair of goggles. "ATTACK!"
"YAHOOOOOO!" Pyro cackled as the Acolytes opened up with their paintball guns. "HAHAHAHAHA!"
"GET BACK HERE CAJUN! THIS IS FOR BLUFFING ME OUT OF THREE OF A KIND WITH A QUEEN HIGH!" Sabertooth roared as he blasted away at Remy. "I'M GONNA USE UP THE REST OF MY REMAINING WINNINGS ON YOU! ALL THIRTY TWO ROUNDS OF THEM!"
"Ha!" Piotr laughed as he managed to splatter Pyro in the shoulder. "That is for beating me with two kings!"
"STOP! STOP THIS YOU IDIOTS...YEEEOOOWWWWWW!" Magneto yelped as he was mercilessly caught in the crossfire. "ALRIGHT! WHICH ONE OF YOU LUNATICS SHOT ME IN THE BEHIND?"
"OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!" Sabertooth yelled and tried to shield himself having run out of ammo. "THAT'S IT! NO MORE HOLDING BACK!" Sabertooth chased after Remy with murder in his eyes. "I'M GONNA TEAR YOU APART WITH MY BARE HANDS!"
"GO AHEAD! I'VE TROUNCED EVERY HAND YOU'VE HAD THE GUTS TO PLAY WITH TONIGHT!" Remy shouted.
"Yayayayaya!" Piotr and Pyro exchanged a furious barrage of shots with each other. "Give up Pyro! I am determined to win at least this hand against you!"
"Forget it Colossus! There's no way you can do it after the number of winning hands I ended up with!" Pyro laughed maniacally.
"I know what hand I ended up with," Magneto groaned as he staggered out of the room. "Four of a kind nuts!"
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution.