It was a snowy winter day at Fawlty Towers, Christmas Eve to be precise. Basil was waiting for guests as usual while Sybil lounged about smoking in the room directly behind him.
"Don't you think we should have guests by now? I miss sorting out the chaffes from the wheat, it adds a certain flare to everday life" said Basil.
"There would never be any wheat if it wasn't for me" replied Sybil, letting out a puff from her cigarette. Basil looked disgruntled.
"I'm a debonair gentleman, by god it's bloody true," said Basil raising his fist to the air. "Whatever do you mean by what you implied?" asked Basil.
"Never mind," said Sybil.
"Yes, that's it keep it to yourself, along with your secret double life as an MI5 spy, that should suit us all just fine" replied Basil. Sybil laughed.
"Basil, don't you think things would liven up a bit more if we had some decorations? Lights, trees, that sort of thing, I certainly do" replied Sybil.
Basil briefly held a look of contemplation, then responded.
"No. No, because you always tell me I have poor taste" said Basil. Sybil chuckled, but not her usual way, no seals were shot during its development.
"If by poor taste you mean moose heads with insects living and mating in them, then yes, dear, poor taste indeed" replied Sybil.
"It's Christmas Eve, people should be flocking in droves, Sybil. I won't have it, this hotel needs to be up to par with the others" declared Basil.
"Whatever do you mean Basil?" inquired Sybil.
"Sybil, you had a point when you mentioned decorations, but that's not all we need. Greeters, carols, joyous hymns, Father Christmas!" yelled Basil, pounding the reception desk with his fist.
"We all know we can just pull those things out of the ether, I mean it's not like we have the resources to implement such a thing" said Sybil.
"That's where you're wrong," said Basil. He continued speaking while Sybil glared into his eyes with suspicion. "We have Manuel and O'Reily"
"O'Reily? He's the head of his own company he doesn't work with us, least of all on a holiday" said Sybil.
"Sybil, those two goonie birds, along with O'Reily's yahoo puffins will make perfect greeters. And the Major, I already have the perfect role for him as well. Tell Terry to add fruitcake, carrot cake, egg nog and venison to the menues right away amongst all the other essentials. Tis the season," said Basil, attempting to toast his glass of milk with Sybil's glass of wine.
"You know this isn't going to work, Basil" said Sybil.
"The toasting or my ideas?" asked Basil. Sybil laughed yet again, this time more heartily. Many seals gave their lives.
"Both. Neither will work" declared Sybil.
Later, Basil is on the phone with O'Reily:
"Hello Mr. O'Reily, I'm afraid I have a rather unusual request for you but I'm sure you can fulfill it" said Basil.
"Mr. Fawlty, you know full well I'd never work on the day that the good Lord was born" replied O'Reily.
"This isn't work, so much as it is play. Listen, I know this would sound odd in a job interview but can you greet people while dressed as an elf?"
"Ah, and hold a bell eh? Yes, I suppose I could do that, though it's the day the good lord was born" said O'Reily.
"Mr. O'Reily do you really think the good lord intended for you to stay at home drinking? Do you think that will help you get to Heaven?" asked Basil.
"No, not really," replied O'Reily after giving Basil's question some thought.
"Exactly. And don't give me any nonsense about Jesus turning water into wine, we all know its grape juice, I want you down here now if possible, I mean the good Lord gave you arms and legs to use them" said Basil.
"Alright then, eleven thirty it is? I'd be most oblidged to do it then!" said O'Reily.
Later, we join Basil, O'Reily just showed up:
"Ah, so what sort of room do you want? Just kidding, I know it's you O'Reily I'd recognize your ugly mug anywhere. Now, take this jingle bell, wave it around and shout to people about the festive spirit of our hotel" said Basil.
"Alright then, Mr. Fawlty" said O'Reily. Just then Manuel came in looking dazed and confused as usual. Basil rolled his eyes, then went back to his post behind the desk.
"Manuel you never cease to amaze me, oh, I won't bother telling you what to do. Go put this on and shout at people, O'Reily will explain the rest" said Basil, handing Manuel some elf clothes.
Outside the hotel:
"You people. You come. You come to hotel!" yelled Manuel at the top of his voice. Passersby flipped him the bird.
"Merry Christmas to ye and goodwill towards men" said O'Reily.
"You men with Oralee!" said Manuel pointing for no reason at O'Reily's men who happened to be walking down the road.
We join Basil and the Major inside the hotel:
"Ah, evening Major" said Basil.
"Evening, Fawlty. Papers?" asked the Major. The Major loved to read newspapers more than anything.
"No, no papers today Major. I have a job for you" said Basil.
"Oh, I can't resist a good joke" replied the Major.
"No, not a joke Major. A job" said Basil
"I knew a joke once. Do you know why Great Britain triumphed over all?" asked the Major.
"No, why did she?" asked Basil.
"Hitler only had one ball!" replied the Major.
"Teehee. So funny. Listen I have a job for you. A J-O-B!" shouted Basil.
"Oh, a job. What is it?" asked the Major.
"You're going to be a jolly old man in a red suit, Saint Nicholas to be exact" said Basil.
"Oh, no, don't bother. I'm not Catholic" said the Major.
"You don't have to be. Just act jolly and greet people" said Basil. Just then Polly came by.
"They're done," said Polly.
"What's done? My life? Oh good God let it be true" said Basil.
"Christmas biscuits, made with buttah and sugar!" said Polly happily handing out a tray. Basil picked one up rudely, and began devouring it.
"Yes, they are quite good aren't they? Listen, give those to the Major, he'll hand them out as free samples, you go set up the mistle toe" said Basil.
"A missile on ones toe? Thought I'd seen everything, goodness me!" shouted the Major. Basil rolled his eyes.
"Listen, Major, can you say 'Hohoho' and sing carols while handing out a plate of biscuits?" asked Basil.
"Ah, you mean be like Father Christmas, yes, of course" replied the Major.
"Now he suddenly acts like he understood it all along" muttered Basil.
That night:
Fawlty Towers was surprisingly lively and packed! No one knew if it was the decorations or the greeting or perhaps the Christmas spirit itself but things were lively to say the least.
"Well, this little debacle turned out better than we expected, eh Sybil? All of course my sheer brilliance, kaah!" scoffed Basil.
"We still haven't put up the tree, Basil" replied Sybil.
"I have a phobia about trees, you know that Sybil" said Basil.
"You mean when you were a tree surgeon?" said Sybil.
"It goes back even farther than that I'm afraid" said Basil. He continued, "But I'll tell you what, I'll go chop one down outside"
"We can go buy one, Basil!" said Sybil.
"Sybil, the old fashioned way is the best" replied Basil.
"What about the new old fashioned way? And besides, if you go and chop a tree, you know what I'll do Basil don't you?" said Sybil.
"Right, we'll go buy one then" said Basil.
Basil and Sybil began forcing a huge tree through the door that barely fit.
"Why did you insist on making things difficult Sybil? This won't even fit, and I knew it wouldn't! MANUEL, we require your assistance" yelled Basil.
Manuel came running and saw what was happening. Or rather what he perceived to be happening.
"It won't let you in?" asked Manuel.
"What? The tree? If all the pipers in the world played a tune it still couldn't lead you to reason could it? Get your ass over here and help" said Basil.
Manuel began pulling the tree.
"No, don't do that!" yelled Basil.
"You say to help, I pull on tree" said Manuel. He pulled and tugged so hard the tree went flying through the air, all the way into the dining room to the shock of the people seated in it. Basil and Sybil had fallen to the floor.
"You helped the tree, so help us, Manuel" said Sybil.
"No, no, please don't help us Manuel, I think we can manage it" said Basil.
"Basil, how often do we manage it?" asked Sybil.
"Two or three times a week actually, remember?" said Basil.
"No, not that you loon, I mean how often do we manage anything here at the hotel?" asked Sybil.
"Not very often" said Basil, as he struggled to get up, helping Sybil get up as well.
"Let's go get that Yule tree!" said Basil.
Basil raced into the dining room at lightening speed like a cheetah closing in on a gazelle for the kill.
"Haha, bit of trouble there we had with the tree. I trust you're all enjoying your meals?" asked Basil.
"There's no nuts in my carrot cake. I don't see how there couldn't be, I requested it" said one guest.
"I help," said Manuel, approaching the guest with a sincere desire to be of service but no idea how.
"There's no nuts in my cake" said the guest.
"Well, that isn't too much of a problem I mean just be thankful there's no Christmas ornaments in your soup bowl or anything" said Basil.
"What? I assumed that tree thing was some sort of a festive joke, you mean that wasn't supposed to happen?" asked the guest.
"No, not exactly, bit of an anti-climactic close to a Christmas Eve fest isn't it?" said Basil.
"What is wrong with guest? I no understand no matter how hard I try" said Manuel.
"Listen, Manuel, this man very clearly does not have any nuts to speak of" said Basil. Another guest gave Basil and Manuel a disturbed look as he walked by.
"Oh, he has no gusto?" asked Manuel.
"No, that's not what I mean. The cake has no nuts, the cake is a lie" said Basil.
"I go tell Terry then" said Manuel.
"Right, I'll go help the other guests. Enjoy your nutless cake, heathen!" said Basil as he walked back to the desk. He and Sybil then struggled to
set up the Christmas tree for what seemed like hours. Years within hours actually. Later, they finally succeeded.
Later...
Basil and Sybil were standing behind the desk. The Major was still singing carols.
"God rest ye merry gentlemen let nothing you dismay, for Christ our lord and savior was born upon this day" sang the Major. Basil laughed.
"Well, glad he's certainly still in the spirit. Because I'm not" said Basil.
"Whatever do you mean Basil you seemed unusually happy last night" said Sybil.
"Did I? Or are you just being suspicious? Listen Sybil, I can't do this anymore" said Basil.
"It's Christmas Eve, Basil" said Sybil. Polly arrived.
"Can I have a holiday bonus?" asked Polly.
"No, fraid not. Look, there's your sweetheart Manuel under the mistletoe. Go kiss him. On the cheek, mind you" said Basil.
"He's not my sweetheart in the least bit. He's our combined headache, we both agreed in private last night remember?" said Polly.
"No, he's your sweetheart alright, go kiss him, listen I'm fine with it, well, neutral actually. Do it!" commanded Basil. Polly walked over to Manuel and kissed him on the cheek.
"Why you do that?" asked Manuel.
"It's either love, tradition, or the basil made me do it. I certainly hope it's the latter" said Polly.
"Basil? My rat wanted you to kiss me?" asked Manuel.
"No, you know how basil is, the spice. Makes us do things we wouldn't ordinarily do" said Polly.
"Really?" asked Manuel.
"Ugh, yes, that bloody damn basil!" said Polly, once again kissing Manuel on the cheek.
We rejoin Basil behind the desk:
Just then a guest showed up dressed as an elf, desiring a room.
"Yes, I'd like a single, please!" said the elf.
"Well, joy to the world, the guest arrived. The man of the hour, the elf man. At least you're getting a single, okay Elf Man, the Polly will show you to your rooms. Polly came in clad in her usual blue dress that matched her raindrop-blue eyes and she showed the guest to his room accordingly. As soon as the guest was in his room he began playing Christmas records very loudly, while the Major asked some kids what they wanted for Christmas. Yes, the Santa ad actually caused some families to bring their children.
"What do you want for Christmas?" asked the Major, dressed as Santa.
"A pony," said the little girl.
"Well, that shouldn't be difficult. But it probably will be. You might have to pretend the bicycle you get is in fact...a pony" replied the Major.
Later...
"Manuel, it's nearly closing time but not quite, and thank God for that. Now before some freak dressed as Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer comes in here I'd like you to bring Major Gowen his favorite non-alcoholic cherry drink. He says he can't continue doing his job without it" instructed Basil.
"Que?" asked Manuel.
"It's simple. The one with alcohol is marked with a reindeer skull, the one without alcohol is marked with a very big fish" said Basil.
"Ah, okay," said Manuel. He went to the cellar and found the drinks, he then began to pour some cherry soda out of the bottle with the fish on it. But as he sipped it, he thought maybe it tasted like alcohol. This was because he had been pouring from a third bottle that Basil forgot to warn him about.
So Manuel assumed Basil got the original two mixed up, and that the one with the reindeer skull was in fact the non-alcoholic drink.
We join the Major, after he drank his drink:
"Ah, and what would you like for Christmas, Else?" asked the Major.
"My name isn't Else, and I told you I want a dog for a pet!" said the child.
"Oh, I'm not sure if they have frogs in Tibet" replied the Major. Another kid, this time a boy, sat on his lap.
"What would you like for Easter?" asked the Major.
"Fruitcake, and then closing time!" announced Basil.
"What?" asked a guest.
"Fruitcake, closing time. That's how it is" replied Basil. Sybil objected.
"No, whatever has gotten into you Basil? There's still two hours left before the closing of the festival" said Sybil.
"Really? Two hours left? Two hours of this torture? I'm worried about something regarding the Major" said Basil.
"What?" asked Sybil, in her British accent.
"I worry the Major is a bad influence" whispered Basil.
Just then Polly entered the room.
"The Major, he's...potted...the shrimps" said Polly.
"Oh, dang niblet, I'll deal with this, got to restrain Grandpa before he gets run over by a reindeer," said Basil. Basil saw that the Major was joyfully ripping up newspapers, and singing songs about war.
"Okay, no more for you, you've had enough!" said Basil. He ordered the Major away, but Manuel had just entered the room carrying fruitcake, which spilled all over the Major. The Major began stumbling about with fruitcake on his head.
"1875 it was" said the Major. "But then again, who really knew if it was really the Count of St. Germain or a...reindeeer. Oh, Great Britain triumphed over all, for Hitler only had one ball!" muttered the Major, humming a tune.
"I'm taking over, kids, sorry!" said Basil putting on a Santa Claus costume.
"WHAT? We like the Major better" said the kids. The Major folded up a newspaper into a ball and tossed it, telling Basil to "go fetch it old chap"
"Yes, well, the Major, he had a bit of an accident, got his head knocked off by a golfball. How did you know he was the Major?" asked Basil.
"He told us. None of us really believe in Santa Claus but we do believe in the Major" said one kid.
"Alright, that made no sense, but come on, out with it, what do you want for Christmas?" asked Basil.
"Huh?" asked the kid.
"What do you brats want for Christmas? Make it good, I'm waiting" said Basil.
"We want the Major back" said the kids. This angered Basil to no end. A now disgruntled Basil, sitting around on the Santa chair, began rising up from his seat and threw the chair across the room, damaging the walls of the hotel.
"Okay, you want some Christmas spirit? Oh, good, well here it is everyone" said Basil. He began getting money from the register and giving it to poor families and rich families alike, many thanked him, some were confused. He also began giving guests other things.
"Here you go sir, here's your ceramic duck" said Basil.
"I don't even want one" said the man.
"Well, that's how it is isn't it? Socialism" said Basil. The guest was confused. Then, after having given everyone nearly everything in the hotel, he raced out the door and slammed it shut, saying "Merry Christmas, good for nothing guests"
The End