Yes, this is another one of those random stories that I randomly came up with at some point of a day and I ran with it. There might already be something like this out in the archives (which is my term for all the other stories), but I don't care. This was invented by myself and many close friends.
And my little brother. I can never forget him. (Even though I hate the little donkey of the Jack variety.)
Disclaimer: Why would anyone write fanfiction if they owned the rights to it?
Seireitei Rulebook
By Kouzumi93
"Ichigo-kun!" Ukitake called out to the new orange haired shinigami. He was about to be going through the Senkaimon to get back to the World of the Living and Ukitake had to be sure that he got a certain thing before he left.
"Ukitake-san? What is it?" Ichigo turned to see the old white haired captain hurrying in his direction. He appeared to be holding something, but the substitute shinigami couldn't quite make out what it was.
Ukitake reached Ichigo and held out what looked like a miniature textbook. "This is for you."
"What is it exactly?" Ichigo asked, taking the book from the sick captain's hand.
"It's the latest version of the Seireitei rules. All of the shinigami within the Seireitei own one, and as a Substitute Shinigami, you are subject to the same rules. Read them and obey. They may seem bogus, but they must be followed regardless of how silly they are."
"I understand."
"Good. We'll see you again soon, Ichigo-kun." Ukitake stepped back as the gate began to open, but then he seemed to remember something important. "Oh! And ignore all of the comments after most of the rules. Some of the other captains got a hold of the book just before its printing and added some unnecessary things to it."
"Unnecessary things?" Ichigo asked aloud, wondering what kinds of things he was going to find in that small book.
"You'll see."
That was the last Ichigo heard from Ukitake as he stepped through the Senkaimon so he could go home.
~The Next Morning~
With the events of the Soul Society still fresh in his mind, Ichigo didn't want to go back into the routine of normal life. That being said, he decided to take a look through the rulebook that he had been given.
He opened up to the first page and immediately understood what Ukitake had meant when he said 'unnecessary things.' The whole book was written in a list form, but some of the rules had small comments in parentheses following them.
Ichigo began reading.
Rule 1. For one's own safety, never tell Hitsugaya-taicho to 'chill out.' (We're getting tired of frostbitten shinigami ~ Unohana-taicho and the fourth division.)
Rule 2. One is not to give Kyouraku-taicho alcohol if his lieutenant is looking for him. This also applies to Matsumoto-fukutaicho. (Hey, that's --) -- Cut off
Rule 3. Madarame-sanseki is not bald. Thus, do not call him 'Happy-Shiny-Baldy' or 'Cueball.'
Rule 4. Yes, Komamura-taicho is a fox/dog/thing. This does not entitle you to inquire about his origins. (I wore that mask for a reason.)
Rule 5. Abarai-fukutaicho is not a living variety of pineapple, so please stop biting him and complaining that he doesn't taste like a pineapple. (That really does hurt, dammit.)
Pause.
Ichigo stared down at the booklet in amazement. And these guys are the leaders of the Seireitei?
He continued to read.
Rule 6. Yamamoto-soutaicho really isn't that old. (Really? I thought he was at least twice as old as Unohana-taicho, and she's pretty old.) (Excuse me, Kyouraku-taicho?) (Eh...Unohana-taicho, what a nice surprise!) (This isn't even a rule. ~Hitsugaya-taicho)
Rule 7. Pointing out errors in this booklet is forbidden. (Alright, now you all are being idiots. Put the real files back.) (Sorry, I deleted them. That's why we're re-making them.) (Oh Jeez.)
Now they're holding conversations amongst themselves. Ichigo thought.
Rule 8. The Twelfth Division barracks is not a playground. Barbaric captains should keep a leash on their lieutenants. (Brought to you by the scientific [creepy] captain of the Twelfth Division.)
Rule 10. Kurotsuchi-taicho is not to be compared with the likes of Urahara Kisuke [because we all know that Urahara could kick Kurotsuchi's ass in an instant]. (I demand to know who wrote that!) (I hope you realize that we skipped Rule 9.) (You can't say that. Refer to rule 7.) (Fuck rule seven. Go to nine.)
Rule 9. If you somehow got yourself on Soifon-taicho's bad side, she is easily won over by a gift of a black stuffed cat. (Of course, Yoruichi-sama herself would be even better.) (...Anyone else disturbed?)
Rule 11. Kuchiki-taicho's Kenseikan are not a toy and not to be used as such. Also, they are not perches upon birds may sit. Any birds caught on said Kenseikan will be killed swiftly. (I'd hate to be a bird at this point in time.) (Yeah, he'll probably get paranoid and just unleash Senbonzakura to kill any bird he sees.) (Chire...)
Rule 12. It is not in one's best interests to fake an injury to get out of doing something. (Trust us, Unohana-taicho will make you wish you had been injured.) (I'm not sure I know what you're talking about.)
Rule 13. Tousen-taicho is not amused by blind jokes, and he can tell when you've moved his office furniture around. (Of course, he'll never actually 'see' this, so he doesn't have ta know.) (Ichimaru-taicho, that's not right.) (I know.)
Rule 14. Certain shinigami should stop stalking Omaeda-fukutaicho's home after lunch time so as to get free food. (It's just disgusting.) (Almost as much as Omaeda himself.) (But it's free food!)
Dammit, there's too many of them now. I can't really tell who is who anymore.
Rule 15. Despite his appearance, Kira-fukutaicho is not an 'emo kid.' Do not refer to him as such. (Although I'm sure that spending so much time around Ichimaru has done something to his personality.) (You'd think he'd be more cheerful.) (No. Not a chance.)
Rule 16. It is forbidden, under any and all circumstances, to give Kusajishi-fukutaicho sweets of any kind. If you give them to her anyway, she will be your responsibility until the effects wear off. (So no more bribing her with candy to get her to go away?) (Nope.) (Damn. That was the only thing that worked.)
Rule 17. Seated officers should stop submitting requests to become the new lieutenant of the First Division. There already is one. (Is there) (I never see him. Is it a him?) (Alright, that's enough.)
Rule 18. One is not to run off with Aizen-taicho's glasses and put them on Tousen-taicho. (Believe me, the glasses are not gonna help 'im.) (You've tried this before, Ichimaru-taicho?) (Possibly. Ya have ta sleep sometime.)
Rule 19. Asking Soifon-taicho if her bra is destroyed with the activation of Shunko is inappropriate and prohibited. (Her boobs are small enough that she doesn't need to wear a bra.) (Say that again and I'll forcibly detach you from your 'manhood.') (Ouch.)
Er? I think they're getting a little to intimate here.
Rule 20. DO NOT ask Matsumoto-fukutaicho what her bra size is. (Quite frankly, it's rather annoying.) (Ran-chan doesn't wear one. She finds 'em too restrictin' fer her liking.) (I didn't need or want to know that.)
Rule 21. All ranked officers are to be referred to as such. Failure to do so may result in the spilling of one's own blood. (Who put this one on here?) (I'd say Kenpachi.) (But he doesn't care for titles.) (But he does have a lust for blood.) (Touché.)
Rule 22. Stealing Iemura-sanseki's journal and reading it aloud to a crowd is not appropriate. (Just because he does so himself does not make it okay for everyone else.) (Who's Iemura again, Unohana-taicho?) (My third seat.) (Ahh. I don't remember him.)
Rule 23. Hisagi-fukutaicho's '69' tattoo is not a depiction of what he does in his free time, so stop asking him. (...Or is it?)
Rule 24. It is not favourable to ask Iba-fukutaicho about his mother. There have been rumours that their relationship is not the greatest. (To avoid angering him, never say 'mother' whilst in his presence.)
Ukitake-san said that this was the latest edition, but Aizen, Ichimaru and Tousen are in here a lot. And yet there's a bunch of newer ideas in here as well. What the hell?
Rule 25. Please stop asking if Ichimaru-taicho is the father of Hitsugaya-taicho. (It's a possibility.) (I don't care if it's a possibility! I'm not, in any way, related to you!) (...Hitsugaya-taicho...I am your father.) (Dammit, here we go again.)
Rule 26. Just because Ukitake-taicho always has candy and food, this does not entitle anyone to take advantage of that and befriend him so as to get free food. (Hisagi.) (Why do you all keep pointing to me?) (Because these are the kinds of things you do or would do.) (...)
Rule 27. Please refrain from interfering with anyone else's fights, specifically those of the thirteenth and eleventh divisions. (Something about pride, I think.) (That's for the thirteenth. The eleventh division members just don't like fighting with others.) (Yes. They'd like to keep the bloodshed for themselves.)
Rule 28. While on duty, shihakushous must be worn properly at all times. (The only exception being Kyouraku-taicho and his colourful women's kimono.) (What's wrong with it?) (I never said that anything was wrong with it.) (But it was implied.) (Was it, now?)
Rule 29. If one decides to spill even a drop of Hinamori-fukutaicho's blood, you will face the wrath of Hitsugaya-taicho. (Meaning you will probably be frozen for the rest of your life, or he'll just kill you.) (Hey, what the hell is this? I don't recall approving this one!) (...You didn't.)
Rule twenty nine had fallen at the end of a page (which, ironically, it does), so Ichigo turned to the next, only to find that it was blank, save for a simple sentence that crossed the middle of the page, as well as all of the following pages.
'This page intentionally left blank.'
Ichigo sifted through twenty pages with that phrase, only to find that the last page had a different line than the rest.
'April Fools!'
"...Agh! Those dumbasses! It's not even April!"
~End~
So, I know it's a late April Fool's Day story, but it wasn't actually supposed to be that in the beginning. I don't actually recall what it was supposed to be, but this is how it ended up, so I guess it's alright.
If you're wondering how they were all talking at the same time, I do have an explanation. I see the Seireitei as having technology far surpassing ours, so they were all on laptop-like computers that were linked, so they could all be talking together like that.
I hope you like it.
Review please!