"I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will."
"Edith ran up the stairs, quickly, holding it all in quickly before she got to her room. There was nothing that she could do now, but cry and throw aside everything that reminded her of the day—the day that was to make her seat at the adult's table before it fell apart. Everything and everyone was moving on. Mary was married, Sybil was married and pregnant, and she was staying put. She took the bridal crown from her head, struggling to pull it out from her tangled hair. She finally managed it, ripping out a thick strand of hair in the process. She threw it on the ground in anger, and collapsed on the bed. She was going to be the last to leave the nest. All that mattered was she was going to leave. Now she felt as a bird plummeting to the ground, unable to go upward or slow the process of falling. Like her veil that she threw from the top of the staircase, she was on a descent rather than an ascent."
Is there anything I can say to make it better?" Edith heard her mother say, as she let out sharp sounds between sobs. She felt her mother get on the bed beside her, then she looked up at Mary and Sybil. She saw them as she wanted to: laughing at her and always leaving her out. They looked sympathetic enough, but right now she could not look at them. Mary always had everything—the beauty, the power to make every man fall in love with her; Sybil always had the kindness and had the love of her parents that she never felt. I mean, for god's sake, her parents did not give Branson an easy time of marrying Sybil, but neither did they ever send him away, like they did with Anthony—and he was a gentlemen. She did everything that Sybil did, and stood by her man and showed her papa, she was not budging. Sybil got married without a hitch, she had watched it, but Edith hadn't. Both of them were married now, she felt a step behind. She was to be stuck as the maiden aunt, never succeeding as her sisters did. "Look at them, both of their husbands, Sybil pregnant—Mary probably pregnant. Just go, I mean it go!" They looked at her emptily until her mother suggested they should probably go. Part of her wanted to dismiss her mother as well. She had no doubt that her mother loved her and she loved her, but her mother failed her. She worried about Mary's happiness and her future—she even cared for Sybil more and supported her marriage with Branson after the shock had worn off. But Edith, devoid of love for most of her life, let her mother comfort her and was thankful for it—finally feeling like a daughter that was loved.
She crashed back on the bed, and said, "Oh, mama," burying herself in the bed. Her mother lay on top of her, shielding her daughter's body with hers and trying her hardest to make her stop crying. Mama stroked Edith's hand, and said, "You are being tested. And you know what they say, my darling, being tested only makes you stronger," her mother finished with fervor.
Edith looked up, half in fear, that more tests were ahead, "I don't think it's working with me," she said and put her head down once again. Cora held her body against her daughter's body tight and squeezed her hand—as if she hoped to instill the strength from her body into Edith's. She moved behind her still wrapping her arm behind her and stroking her hand in hers. "Tell me about your wedding, mama," Edith said quietly.
"Edith, are you sure you want to know right now?"
"Yes, mama, I've never wanted it more than now."
Cora took a breath, "Okay, I was sent over to London for the season after my father had died and I had inherited my part of his fortune. My mother and I were not welcome to high society in America, being new money. As you see daily, anything that is out of the aristocracy are looked at as mere peasants. It was a struggle in itself. But over here, ironically, entering society was a lot easier. When I saw your father at one of the balls, I fell in love almost at first sight. He, while enjoying my company, married me for my money. I always had an affinity for English culture, but I didn't realize what I was giving up and how much harshness I would be treated with."
"As much as grandmama was giving towards Anthony, no doubt," Edith said quietly. She silently blamed her for being cruel to Anthony.
"Yes, quite similar. After the honeymoon, it was if I was entering a different world. I missed the comforts of home, especially indoor plumbing—and if you can believe it even my dear old mama. Not only that, I had no ally or friend in this countryside. I didn't understand anything and even the servants looked down upon me. Your father was kind to me, but the fact that he did not love me for over a year made me cry secretly for the first few months. The degrading comments of his mother and the looks that people in his circle gave me made it worse. When I became pregnant, I thought I would be accepted more—by giving the Crawley family an heir. Time after time, I disappointed them and felt disappointed in myself. Thankfully, your papa loved me by then, he didn't devalue me but loved his daughters as much as he could. His mother, on the other hand, I might as well been a poor investment that never paid out. Of course, my money had saved the estate, but without a proper heir, it still hung in the balance. But first as Patrick was discovered, then Matthew, and I understood how to run this estate, my life got easier and yours will too, darling."
Edith sat up slowly and her mother sat up with her, wrapping her arms around her. "Don't you see, darling? Though I will never forget or forgive what Anthony did. He acted as he did because he loved you, it wasn't easy for him. You will be stronger, my darling, you have your mother's blood."
"Oh mama, I have waited so long to be like this with you."
Cora smiled, "That is my fault, my darling. I pulled myself away from you because you, of all of them, I really thought I was carrying a boy when I was pregnant with you."
"Are you so disappointed in me?" Edith said and looked up at her mother, with lost puppy dog eyes.
"No," Cora said and put a strand of Edith's curled hair behind her eye, "you are my reflection, I've never realized how much before now. I know everything looks broken now, but you, my strong one, will fly again. You will find happiness outside of the veil."
Edith woke from a deep sleep. She felt so heavy. She was still in her wedding dress; she didn't know why, it was so uncomfortable. She walked over to the mirror, once this was supposed to be the happiest day of her life, but it wasn't. She wondered if she would ever feel true happiness, but she thought of her mother and her words. Edith somehow zipped herself out of the dress and it fell to the floor. Her underclothes were many, she thought of laying back down in bed in just those. But she had an idea that everything that she thought would guarantee her happiness was false, this dress, this corset, the veil, she took her underclothes off over her head. She took everything, so she was bare before the mirror. She smiled, she had never looked at herself like this. Indeed, no one did. In her life, it was all about dressing, being a decoration, looking perfect as possible. She ran her fingers along her bare breasts and then trailed them along her stomach. Maybe what she thought she wanted, she hadn't at all—she had just been told to. She was still lost how she would achieve happiness elsewhere, but she imagined her mother felt quite the same when she was found in Downton Abbey. She fell down in her bed, not quite healed, but instead of crashing down on her bed, she seemed to float.
Edith, still felt sad the next morning. She went down to breakfast, as she did not deserve to stay in bed, not being a married woman. She didn't expect anyone to dine with her, she was to be alone. "Good morning, Carson," she said gently.
"Good morning, m'lady," he replied with a sympathetic look. She sat silently and picked at her food. She heard footsteps coming down the stairs. "Good morning, my dear," Cora said and kissed her on the cheek before sitting down.
Edith gave her a surprised look, "Mama, why are you up now?"
"I asked the same thing," her father said walking in and helping himself to breakfast. "She even beat me down the stairs."
Cora took a sip of her tea, "There are things more important than playing a role," Robert came over to her before sitting down and kissed her cheek.
Her mother looked over at her; her daughter was was smiling at her. Edith could still feel her mother pushing against her, telling her she would fly again.