Beneath My Smile
-Sept. 28th, 2004-
-Dear Diary-
Underneath my mask of a happy smile, I'm consumed by a torrent of emotions.
Love, jealousy, worry, anxiety, anger, and confusion.
Love for my family, friends, and...Inuyasha.
I admit that I'm jealous of Kikyo. Inuyasha would immediately drop whatever he's doing to stare at her, watch her. His eyes full of regret, bitterness...and longing.
It hurts, my heart hurts watching his hopeless infatuation with that priestess.
I worry that one day, Inuyasha would choose Kikyo instead of me. That day might be the day that we finish gathering all the Shikon shards, when he won't need me anymore. But I don't want to lose him. I love him.
Kouga still tries to entice me into leaving Inuyasha. No, more like physically take me away from him, but I don't want Kouga. He's nice and caring deep down, but I want Inuyasha!
Nobody understands how I feel.
My friends don't understand how I feel. I know that I complain to them about Inuyasha a lot, but that doesn't mean I don't like him. They wonder why I still like him even after all he's done to me, even after all the times he left me for Kikyo, but when you love someone, no matter what they do, you'll still love them.
I'm so tired of smiling all the time. I'm so tired. My jaws ache. Sometimes I just want to cry on someone's shoulders, but I can't, because I'm always the one lending out my shoulder.
Hmm...I see Inuyasha knocking on my window with a scowl. I think he wants me to look for another fragment of the Shikon Jewel. I can't let him see my frown. He'll ask me what's wrong. I can't tell him; he won't understand, he won't care.
So I fix my false smile back in place. And now I leave with Inuyasha to the Sengoku Jidai with that smile.