The Santa Barbara Conduit

I own nothing. All belongs to Chuck Lorre, Bill Prady and Warner Bros.

Pretty Woman II-When Metrosexuals attack

Due to a complicated series of lost wagers, Amy found herself being Rajesh's living Barbie doll for 8 hours on the mean streets of Beverly Hills. It was like Pretty Woman in so much as that everyone wanted to be nasty to her, but were restrained by Raj and his flashing Black AmEX card. After it became clear he was a Hindu Richie Rich in a disturbing sweater vest, champagne flowed and insincerity reigned.

She was torn, on one hand she felt like a princess on the other she now believed that Penny and Bernadette had set her up. Basically because Raj told her she had to allow him buy a new wardrobe because her supposed best friends were now removing all traces of wool and polyester from her closet and unless she wanted to go to work in her Candy Pink Bridesmaid dress, she should relax and let him do his magic. Because they were due to drive up to the Scientific American Conference in Santa Barbara at 6pm to arrive for the opening dinner and cocktail party. After shopping, she still had to be waxed, painted, blown dry and then covered lightly in shellac so she would look shiny all night.

When all was said and done, Amy had to admit that ass-tastic Indian knew how to stage a makeover. Raj, acknowledging that as a brilliant scientist and would likely wander out on the streets in her pj's if she didn't have a "uniform", purchased several pairs of wide-legged gabardine trousers, with light weight blouses of silk or cotton to be worn over silk camisoles and under jackets that complimented, but did not match the pants. She had to admit it looked classy. Raj had been extremely upset to discover that Amy not only had a tiny waist, she had an amazing butt. "Why the in name of cow would you cover that booty up?" he had raged, "If my butt looked like that I would only wear ass-less chaps!"

Amy had no idea how to respond to that last statement.

Raj then proceeded to buy her 2 cocktail dresses (one conservative, the other a daring red number with a "the party's in the back, girl!" vibe), 2 pale silk afternoon dresses (presumably Raj thought she had a heavy schedule of afternoon high teas, because her secret identity was Jane Austen), a completely unnecessary, but gorgeous midnight blue, velvet evening gone studded with Swarovski crystals like the night sky… and a boatload of panties, bras, Spanyx, thigh-hi hose and sexy pj's. Amy concluded this meant that her underwear had likewise been sacrificed to the cruel, yet benevolent god of makeovers.

After all had been concluded, Raj had them wrap her in white muslin, and dragged her across the street to the beauty torture palace and spa. Happily, the lead beauty person, gave her half a tab of valium and she slept through everything. When she woke up 3 hours later, she had been transformed and dressed in her more conservative cocktail dress. (Who? When? Christ, was she wearing a thong and garter belt? How?) After recovering from her completely sound panic attack, she looked at herself in the mirror. The dress, while modest was the most daring garment she had ever owned. It was an knee length burgundy shift dress, her arms and décolletage were covered by a sheer fabric, giving the impression of skin without showing any. She wore light colored house and copper colored stiletto heels she was fairly certain Penny would steal very soon. The beauty make over while profound was subtle. Her make-up made her face glow, her eyes seem greener and her lips look inviting, but she still looked like herself. Also, the hair was styled in a Veronica Lake wave, but she could still see. She wore the frameless glasses that Penny had brown beaten her, Bernadette and Leonard into purchasing at the Galleria 3 weeks earlier.

Raj looked quite satisfied, "That is how you should look! If I had that ass, that skin and that hair, I'd rule this town. Now come milady, let's get up to Santa Barbara and let your gentleman get a look at you." He ushered her out into a waiting limo, where a selection of her new clothes and beauty supplies had been packed into new Louis Viton luggage and had been stowed in the trunk.

Amy settled down into the back of the limo, pondering this transformation. There was a better than average chance that Sheldon would either not notice or not approve. The chances of him being stunned by her beauty and wanting to immediately make sweet love to her, seemed remote, at best. She frowned.

"No! No, frowning!" Raj cried, snapping his fingers in front of her face, "the make-up is delicate, frowning could destroy everything!" Amy tilted her head in question. "It just will, young lady! Tell me why you are frowning. You look amazing, you are dressed to the nines on your way to a weekend of fun and science in Santa Barbara. And a little birdie told me you and Sheldon have adjoining rooms…" Amy's eyes went wide with shock, "I am the little birdie. I switched the rooms up. You are welcome."

"It won't matter." Amy said softly, "He is either going to be indifferent to or disapprove of the make-over. And if he does like it, he won't say anything…"

Raj sat next to her on the bench, handing her a glass of champagne, "Amy, you have chosen a hard path, trying to land Sheldon Cooper. There isn't one woman in a billion possessing the intellect, the drive and the heart to make that weirdo her stallion. And you are the only one living in the Greater Los Angeles area… My point is, you are succeeding, you will succeed and you have support, all our support."

"Really?"

"Hell yes! Number one, it will be fun to mock him for his hypocrisy, number two if you don't close this deal, we risk losing you, which no one in our social circle will ever let happen…" Raj paused.

"Why?"

"Because he cares if you are happy… or at least, he cares if you are distressed. Sheldon Cooper apologized to you! He bought you an apology tiara! Do you know how many guys will buy a tiara for a girl… Only dukes! And only on your wedding day, kid. Your being with him saves us from having to make Mrs. Cooper fly in from Texas every 2 months." He continued rabidly.

Amy smiled at him, "Thank you Rajesh. I am in this for the long haul, it is just the weekend that I dread. Not just Sheldon's reaction, I also have to make my presentation dressed in slacks! Like a floozy!"

"Like a modern day Katharine Hepburn, young lady!" Raj scolded. "But you may have a point. If Sheldon reacts unfavorably, I will arrange for it to be handled." He grinned confidently, "You look amazing, if he doesn't notice, others will. And trust, he will notice that."

"I don't like to play mind games… that's not true… I don't want to do something that will upset Sheldon. I don't want him to be upset." Amy said earnestly.

"You really do love him, don't you?" Amy averted her eyes at the question, and Raj grinned at the top of her head, "Don't fret, dear. You have to do nothing, but look gorgeous and talk science. This is your night. Not even Sheldon Cooper can mess this up."

This is a little plot bunny, I've been wrestling with. A lot of fics try to pair Amy off with someone less worthy to make Sheldon jealous, what if she actually attracted the interest of someone good enough for her?