Title: JUMP Serials are Suitable Bedtime Stories
Rating: Z for Zuratroll
Genre: Humor/Parody, Futurefic
Characters: Katsura Kotaro, Sakata Gintoki, cameos by various characters.
Summary: In which we learn that forty-year-old virgins do not make the greatest babysitters.
Author's Note: A while ago, some anpan-addicts on twitter (namely ritzen, nijibug, spartytoon, nemicon and yours truly), had a discussion on what sleepover with Zura would be like. One thing for sure, the bedtime stories coming out of the wighead's sparkly-shoujo brain would rival Sorachi's brand of crack. Ritzen and her brilliant mind worked some of those ideas into Zura's Fairy Tales, and spartytoon followed with her own story. Somehow it turns into a one-shot round-robin deal. This is my turn. Enjoy!
-x-
On a fine, chilly Saturday morning, the kind best spent tucked under blankets and with incomparable company of One Park's latest chapter and strawberry-flavored Pocky, forty-year-old bachelor Gintoki Sakata dragged himself out of his futon to answer the phone's persistent ringing. Before he had a chance to berate the caller for their poor manner—seriously, who rang a household at eleven in the morning?—he found himself accosted by a poorly mumbled babysitting request from a certain galaxy-famous alien hunter with monstrous appetite. It's only for one weekend, Gin-chan!, begged the ex-freeloader. Damn those ignorant youth and their carefreeness. Don't they know that for people his age, forty-eight hours is the equivalent of spending an eternity in a desolate planet with Vegeta?
Gintoki dug into his nostrils, trying to alphabetically sort out the millions of arguments explaining why he was the least suited person for the job. It was a leisurely move he latter regretted, as Kagura seized those few seconds of silence as an affirmative and quickly hung up. Half an hour later, the Shinsengumi Sadist arrived with a red-haired toddler in tow. Sorry, danna, explained Okita serenely, we have urgent family business to attend to. The Sun Diego Comic-Con festival opens today, and we need to get Power Buff Boys figurine set for Momo-chan, so...
"How is that an emergency?"
-x-
Ten minutes after his father left, the docile-looking toddler flashed an alarmingly evil grin, her antenna wiggling in excitement as she scanned the house's interior for potential chewing toys.
Gintoki was understandably distraught by this turn of events. Nevertheless, after a brief round of moping, he decided that he should just, as that ridiculous internet meme commanded, deal with it. A boke shouldn't wallow in a tsukkomi's routine for too long, lest he fell into an identity crisis, taking the anime along with him to cancellation's door. No, Gintoki decided. Freaking out should be Shinpachi's job.
And there was his way out of this nightmare. He should just let Shinpachi handle this one. Shinpachi had always been the most motherly of them all from the very beginning. Yup, it was perfect. Yup, everyone should have thought of it before. Yup, time to pay Pattsuan a visit.
-x-
"Ah, I'm sorry, Gin-san. Kagura-chan did come here earlier, but Kirara-san and I both came down with fever we got from our last visit to the Sun Diego Comic-Con–"
"Exactly how popular is this Comic-Con? Why am I the last to know? Am I not the designated otaku in this series? Oi!"
"You're too old to go there, anyway, Gin-san. The point is, we are in no condition to take care of Momo-chan right now. See? I can boil an egg on my forehead right now." An egg was magically produced from Shinpachi's sleeve to serve as a demonstration tool. "In fact, we were thinking of dropping Kintaro-kun to the daycare nearby, but the hourly fee is unreasonably expensive..."
Gintoki went home with another toddler in tow, cursing his inability to say no to Shinpachi's Bambi eyes.
-x-
It was close to sunset when Gintoki, slumped against the wall and aching all over, prayed for a mother fairy's help. Or some harmless sleeping gas to knock these monsters out. Momo-chan had determined that Gintoki's furniture was not tasty enough to chew, which meant that it was her duty to demolish them. Gintoki decided not to interfere, seeing as he was up against a Yato, with two sadistic demolition machines as parents. Kintaro-kun was not into wanton acts of violence, but he shared his father's love for pop music and, tragically, his father's singing talent as well, which the kid was only too happy to share.
Gintoki had never felt this crappy since the Oedo Bill for Healthy Development of Youths came into effect two years ago. "Ah, someone, anyone, even masochistic stalkers will do! Help poor Gin-san," he wept. Even his voice sounded like warmed-over kitty litter.
As in most stories like these, the doorbell rang precisely at that moment. Gintoki leapt to answer it with hopeful heart.
It was Zura and his pet duck. KATSURA-SAN LOST HIS TICKET TO THE SUN-DIEGO COMIC-CON, Elizabeth explained dutifully.
"It was misplaced," Zura corrected.
IT WAS LOST, insisted Elizabeth.
-x-
"Ah, I see, so Leader and Shinpachi-kun are slowly following the examples of other modern, irresponsible parents. How very regrettable."
"Oi, 'irresponsible' is carrying on with softcore terrorist activities way into your middle age, Zura."
"Not Zura, Katsura. Irresponsible is never getting your comrade's name right way into your middle age."
"It's not my fault your wig's the most prominent part of you."
"While you're proudly indulging in this shameful display of immaturity, those poor children are crying for fresh diapers. Men your age should have mastered the art of babysitting. This is not only a woman's job."
Gintoki threw his hands in frustration and stomped away.
"Fine, fine! If you're so good at this, try to care for them for five minutes without going completely bonkers!"
-x-
As it turned out, the good-for-nothing Joui leader and his pet Amanto made for excellent babysitters. Diapers were washed and changed with minimal bloodshed, dinner was held without too many broken plates, and what remained of the furniture was successfully salvaged so that the room looked somewhat acceptable despite the broken table and half-shredded sofa.
"Now, it's time to tuck the kids into bed." Zura declared.
"Oi, Zura. Kids these days won't go to bed at 8. The Dorarara re-run airs at 10, and there's Katekyo Salesman Reborn after that."
"Gintoki, not all kids are into mindless entertainment. And if they are, it is our job as Samurai to educate them on stories worth listening to, like classic literature and fairy tales for example."
From his four decades of shared history with Zura, Gintoki had learned of one important thing: when Zura got that noble, determined glint in his eyes, it would be best to back away. Unfortunately, he had nowhere to run to as Zura nodded solemnly, hands clasped.
"It is storytelling time."
-x-
Miraculously, they listened. Raptly. Without fuss or complaints. Esteemed JUMP mangakas, inboxes full of letters from plothole-obsessed readers, would surely love to receive such devotion. Maybe it was Zura's innate charisma, blinding his audience to the wighead's idiocy. Or maybe these kids were idiots themselves. Hard to tell. That left him filling the role of a tsukkomi once more.
"Once upon a time, two noble families were engaged in a bloody feud over a disputed land where strawberry milk spilled freely from waterfalls, and anpan fell from the sky whenever it rained. The land also containted precious Pokeballs capable of curing all diseases..."
"Oi, you're plagiarizing."
NO STORY IS COMPLETELY ORIGINAL, argued Elizabeth's placard.
"Thank you, Elizabeth." Zura smiled smugly. "At the heart of this tale is a princess named Rukihime–"
"Oi, are you mashing up their names to avoid plagiarism charges? Everyone knows which anime you borrowed that name from! It's DETERGENT! It's the most popular shonen manga right now! If you have to steal, use obscure anime that only few people know! Or at least one that hasn't been around forever! Hibiscus & Daffodil, for example!"
This outburst was met with a quiet, admonishing gaze. "Gintoki, you can just say Tiger & Bunny. This is a fic, we won't get sued. Anyway, Princess Rukihime had a brother who ran away from home when she was a wee child, and one afternoon, during her adventure on a foreign land, she helped an orphan reunite with his mother, and crossed paths with her missing brother, who had turned quite evil indeed."
"Oi, does Princess Rukihime like Sukonbu? Is she a mountain gorilla? Self-plagiarizing is just as bad, you know."
"Gintoki, there is a galaxy's wealth of untold stories outside of your beloved Jump and this anime if you would just listen. Ah, where were we?"
"Ewolll Browelll," answered the kids in unison. The fact that the kids answered in flawless, if mumbled, English didn't escape Gintoki's attention, but he shelved that up to Things Better Not Questioned.
"Ah yes, evil brother. Thank you, wonderful children. You prove to be worthwhile listeners for this humble storyteller, unlike your Grandpa over there."
"Who's a Grandpa?"
"Look, your hair is all white already."
"It's already been like this since I was a baby!"
"There's nothing shameful in growing old, Gintoki. You do not want to turn out like Princess Rukihime's father, who wasted his life touring all seven kingdoms to search for a baldness cure. To bald or not to bald, that is the question, declared his epitaph."
-x-
"...Nevertheless, this story belongs to Princess Rukihime, not her father's, so we shall be careful not to lose track. Princess Rukihime chased her evil brother to the Kingdom of Mayonnaise, her family's sworn enemies. The Mayo King and his Men in Tights were a cruel and terrible lot––"
"Yup, you're just hating on the Shinsengumi."
"However, it was here that she fell in love on first sight with Baron Yamazaki, who chose not to reciprocate her love. Do you want to know why, Gintoki?"
"No."
"Baron Yamazaki could not walk into the sunlight without sparkling, and in this kingdom, sparkling was a capital offense. There was only one way to cure his affliction. Baron Yamazaki had to consume fifty baskets' worth of gold-encrusted anpans under the full moon. To get these anpans, Princess Rukihime must break into Mayonnaise Castle's Anpan Garden. Unfortunately, she was caught red-handed by the cruel King himself, who called for her execution. Wait, begged Princess Rukihime. You must try my Mayonaisse-Flavored Tamagoyaki before I die, or I shall haunt these walls forever. The King found this a favorable request, having no clue that the delicacy in question was in fact a well-disguised biological weapon. He succumbed to death, critical organs splashed all over the floor."
"Oiiii! Isn't this supposed to be children's bedtime story? What's with the sadistic R-rated stuff?"
"We should not support censorship, Gintoki. Stories of suffering and injustice must be told unflinchingly and with journalistic integrity–"
"This is fiction!"
"Great fiction resemble social realities, Gintoki. And so, our fearless heroine found herself surrounded by palace guards with no escape route. When all hope appeared to be lost, a lone, mysterious figure made his appearance on a galloping JustTank. It was none other than her brother. Rukihime, he said, I was lost, but now I'm found. Together, they defeated the guards–"
"Why the sudden turnaround, wasn't her brother supposed to be evil? Be consistent with your characterization, oi!"
"Off-screen development, Gintoki! Off-screen development! Anyway, Princess Rukihime returned to his love with the anpans. My preciousssss, she rushed to his side, I will set you free from this torturous existence. I will––"
"And they live happily ever after, the end." Gintoki tugged at Zura's sleeve in a childhood-buddies gesture best known as It's almost midnight and I'm going to bed now. Get the fuck out of here, bastard. "C'mon, Zura, the kids are sleeping already. Your duck is feeling sleepy too, I bet."
Elizabeth turned to stare at Gintoki, unblinking.
LET KATSURA-SAN FINISH HIS STORY.
-x-
Baron Yamazaki gazed at Princess Rukihime remorsefully. Illuminated by the sunset, she looked heartbreakingly beautiful, and beyond his reach.
"I'm sorry, Princess, for I have lied to you. I am in fact engaged to another man."
"That's alright,' replied Rukihime. "I'm happy to have my brother back. Besides, I'd rather go on new adventures than settle down, for the greatest days are yet to come. However, if I ever found myself longing for this land..."
They inched closer to each other in search of a passionate, mournful embrace.
"You can always close your eyes..."
"And I'll think of..."
"Jackie's nose."
-x-
Gintoki didn't think he could get away with throwing Zura out of the second-storey window—too much noise, Granny would kill him—but dragging the Joui leader by his stupid hair suited him just fine.
"How is that an acceptable ending, huh? Even Debt Note had better ending than that! Return my precious sleeping time to me!"
"Owww, ow, Gintoki, if you're not careful, you're gonna end up waking Momo-dono and Kintaro-dono."
xxxx