Hello! This is my first ever Malec-fic. Hope you enjoy, thanks for taking the time and if you'd like, let me know what you think!
A Problem Solved Is A Problem Halved
To say, that he hadn't been aware of all the facts about warlocks – their heritage, their lifestyle, their abilities – was probably the worst lie Alec Lightwood would ever tell (spare the being attracted to men part, but up to this day, he's still not quite sure if not saying it out loud qualifies a lie, because, he never said he wasn't gay; people had just done what people do; assumed; assumed that he was straight, and frankly Alec, the brave Shadowhunter who wasn't afraid of any demonic occurrence, hadn't had the guts to correct them.
Until Magnus had come along and swept him off his feet with his comical and carefree bad meat-pun that wasn't funny at all, but Magnus, as Alec had learned, said such things with conviction. Like Alec, Magnus doesn't like to assume, like Alec, Magnus needs to know where he stands.
So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
If only Alec hadn't asked to move in, but he had, hadn't he? To be honest, he'd give a lot to get into a portal, travel back in time and...just…not ask. Because if he hadn't asked, Magnus wouldn't have had to turn him down and Alec wouldn't have felt compelled to open this Pandora box of past lives and loves and losses that had left Alec feeling small and vulnerable. And stupid. Don't forget stupid.
Even though he had known that things between him and Magnus would end in an assumingly tragic way, he hadn't thought about it, not for a second. He had just assumed that things would evolve and that they'd live happily ever after. He, Alec Lightwood, well trained and educated Shadowhunter had assumed; assumed that he'd be given some sort of privilege to this life with Magnus and to Magnus himself.
But Magnus had lived before. Alec had known that.
And loved before. And Alec had known that.
And lost and lost and lost far more times than Alec could even hope to understand. And Alec had known that as well.
The rain from outside the apartment, was hammering against the windows like Izzy's whip, sharp, loud and unforgiving; every teardrop a reminder of Magnus's past. 17.000 raindrops, one for all the people Magnus had been with, one for Alec himself and only the Angel knew how many more for all the people that would cross Magnus's path long after Alec was gone.
When I'm gone you'll need love to light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then between the sand and stone, could you make it on your own
Shadowhunters only ever fall in love once – a gift from the Angel, for the Nephilim to be able to live and acknowledge true love when they face it. In reality, true love was difficult to hold on to. For generations, Shadowhunters had married for political reasons. He thought back to a story Magnus had shared with him once on a night quite like this one at the apartment Alec longed to call home, curled up under a blanket together on this couch while thunder and lightning provided the staging for Magnus's tale of Charlotte and Henry Branwell, of their deep, deep love and the years both of them had wasted believing the other had married them out of duty.
"Shadowhunters…" Magnus had said shaking his head, the gesture playing a part in contributing to the fact that Magnus had indeed liked Henry and Charlotte. "They never know what's good for them until it's almost too late." There had been a certain unevenness to his words, a hidden pain, humming just under his skin, waiting to break through. It was the moment Alec had begun to understand the magnitude of a never ending existence.
"Do you miss them, your friends, I mean?" He had whispered it. Why, he couldn't say, really. Party because the question in itself was self-explaining and maybe because this was a delicate topic and a sacred moment. Magnus's face had morphed from melancholia to contentment. He'd brushed his fingers over Alec's cheeks like he had done it a hundred times before. "The Accords had been relatively new back when and we all needed time to adjust and find our place within this new world order. Change, however good or bad, always needs time to adjust. We did not dare call each other friends back then, we were allies, but looking back at it with today's open mind and eyes, I'd very well call them my friends and as such, yes, I do miss them."
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Whatever wave had nearly drowned him, how many bricks and stones people had thrown at him, Magnus had always known to get back up on his feet. And while Alec admired him for his strength and never ending kindness, he felt hot boiling jealousy coming up his throat, making him want to voice all those thoughts and fears and accusations that he knew weren't justified, but very well felt like they were, and throw them at Magnus. But instead of painting his boyfriend's empty apartment with foul and sour accusations, he rather saw then felt, hot burning tears falling into his Gin.
The hot boiling jealousy had turned into a hot and all-consuming sadness that didn't do the Gin any good. It tasted wrong and bitter and toxic.
Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go
The portal appeared out of thin air, blue and purple bits of light allowed the apartment to bask in a glow of colour, the portal being the only source of light. Magnus stepped out of the portal, hair as styled as usual, glitter and eyeshadow on point, but the bags under his eyes were undeniable and Alec's heart clenched, knowing that even though he hadn't put them there to begin with, their dispute at the breakfast table had caused them to darken even further. "Alexander?" Magnus said, equally curious and loving. If Alec wanted, he'd just flung himself at his warlock boyfriend and kiss him as if nothing had happened, and Magnus would let him, because that's how much he loved the young Shadowhunter who's so inexperienced in love. "I can hear your inhales and exhales, you know?" The couch gave way under Magnus' additional weight; he smelled of sandalwood and magic and love.
"Why are you hiding here in the dark?"
"Don't children enjoy playing hide and seek?" he shrugged, confident that Magnus would hear the shrugging in his voice rather than see it in the darkness.
"They do," said Magnus nonchalantly. "But they also are afraid of darkness, so…" he paused…"hiding in the dark kind of ruins the fun, don't you think?"
Alec could feel Magnus's eyes on him, thoughtful, wary, and expectant; something akin to that. And Alec couldn't find the courage to blame him for only one of them. As they all were just and correct and a mess.
"You'd find me anyway, dark, light, fog. You'd find me anyway." Magnus hummed in agreement. Not finding each other hadn't been the issue, the devil – so to speak hid in the details – within the good morning kisses and late night talks, within the rather domestic life they had built for themselves; the very life routine that had led to Alec asking about moving in.
And maybe, I'll find out
A way to make it back someday
With a simple wave of his ringed hand, the entire apartment was bathed in lovely shimmering candle light. "Ah, that's better. I hate talking to you when I can't see you." There's the hint of a smile on the warlocks lips, it's only a second, but it had been there and once again Alec was left wondering if their fight this morning lay as heavy on Magnus' heart as it did on the young Shadowhunter's? Was Magnus just pretending that everything was normal? Did he not care about Alec's outburst? Had he forgiven him already or worse: Was he not taking Alec's concerns seriously?
Alec's eyes scanned the stylishly furnished apartment, which was so unlike every home he had ever envisioned living in, not that he had ever believed, he'd actually live outside of the Institute. An old Chinese vase, an old escritoire, fluffy colourful pillows randomly strewn all over the apartment, the flat screen, that didn't seem to fit in like a sore thumb and yet, did. It was like Magnus had managed to always find himself the best of all words, throw it in a mix and create a reality which provided him with the luxury of all these past and current times.
The breakfast table was neat, too neat for Alec's taste. He had hoped for neglected plates and silverware, for crumbs, for any evidence that Magnus had been worked up after Alec left. It seemed like Magnus was not one to be too worked up for magic. A pang of frustration made Alec's heart clench.
To watch you, to guide you through the darkest of your days
"Do you remember what you told me while were in the kitchen cooking dinner for your mother?" asked Magnus. His voice sounded distant, not in an emotional way, just…further away than Alec would have guessed. Taking a look to his right, he found that the warlock wasn't sitting beside him anymore. The young tore his eyes away from the empty spot and willed his body to turn and follow the voice.
Magnus was standing near the shelf, Pandora box in hand. His entire posture was a screaming of insecurity, but his lips, pressed into a thin line showed his determination.
"Magnus, I'm sorry, I should've never betrayed your trust like that and I…" but Alec's rambled try for an excuse was interrupted by a firm shake of Magnus' head. "I know darling, but you were right."
Alec's eyes widened and he felt an irritating jolt of giddiness bubbling up in his stomach.
"This is a topic we need to address, whether we like it or not", he sighed deeply as if bracing himself for a battle and in some way it was. Both men were battling with the warlock's past; although for different reasons, they were pursuing the same goal.
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
The box felt much lighter in his hand than it had this morning and Alec wondered oddly if that had something to do with a problem shared is a problem halved. This morning he had been going behind his love's back and the fear of what he might find in this box and the guilt had suffocated him. Now, a few hours later, they were on the same page, facing their demons together. "I want to share this with you. I want to explain it to you, if that's what you want."
"Magnus, you don't have to…"
"Au contraire, I have and I want to," said Magnus. "I'm not going to apologize or demand your understanding, because I do understand that you might not be able to be okay with this, but I don't want this," he elaborated, one black-ish polished finger pointing at the box, "to be what breaks us apart, because in the end, if this is what it comes down to and I have to choose between you and this box of momentous, I will always choose you, Alexander."
Alec's voice felt raspy and uneven, but the meaning of his words was firm and solid. "I'd never ask you to."
Magnus smiled in return, knowingly.
"What?" Alec required.
Magnus leaned back on the couch, a hand outstretched for Alec to take it. And even though Alec felt like the real battle had only just begun, he took Magnus's hand in his, interlacing their fingers – light brown and pale, rough and smooth, Downworlder and Shadowhunter. Magnus and Alec. Alec and Magnus. "This statement, that you let me keep it and never mention it again, even though it'd break your heart, is the reason why I'd be willing to let it go."
Then I hope there's someone out there who can bring me back to you
The box was much smaller and entailed far less items than Alec had expected. Given Magnus's long life and the rounded down number of 17,000 lovers had had Alec left expecting more. It must be admitted though that Alec had never thought much thought about the difference between lover and love.
Aside from George's photograph, the box was filled with a total of three other momentous. Just three. Alec knew that most Mundanes were able to fall in love multiple times within their comparably short mortal life, so three loves over the time span of 400 hundred years did not seem excessive but small and delicate. It also meant that Magnus had spent several lifetimes not loving or being loved in return.
"One is for George," said Magnus, putting the photograph to rest on the table. "This feather is for Etta, a beautiful lady I met back in the 1920's. She was a dancer. Something we had in common and we would spend the nights dancing without a care in the world until the break pf dawn." Despite its age, the feather was still smooth to the touch, a ric mixture of blue and dark green - vibrant and full of life. "What happened to her?" All of a sudden, Alec found himself captivated by these momentous, interested in the stories they protected, he was looking forward to hearing them, like he'd been interested in hearing about Henry and Charlotte.
"We had a wonderful time." Magnus stopped for a second, looking at the boy beside him, as if he was expecting a flicker of jealousy or fear, but there was none and he knew better than to put the question to voice. "But" he continued "we both knew it was going to have to end eventually. We loved each other but it felt like one of these summer-loves and we kept this summer alive for years, for as long as we could, but Etta wanted to get married, she wanted children and a home saying she wasn't getting any younger…" Magnus trailed off, smiling…"to me she was as beautiful as ever but I knew where she was coming from and we ended it. It hurt, it wouldn't have been love if it didn't, but we ended on good terms and remained friends. She made me the godfather of her firstborn child. He's 82 and we're still in correspondence with each other. Etta however died 37 years ago. And Jack, her son, sent me this feather as to remind me of his mother and I put it in this box."
Alec had listened carefully. Whatever he had expected, it wasn't this. "I thought…" he began.
"You thought this box was a collection of the people I loved and outlived, of the people that died while we were in a mutual committed relationship?" Alec nodded, eyes fixed on Magnus, and the glimmer playing on his features. "No. But that doesn't mean I stopped loving them, just because we weren't together anymore. Just like Clary will always love her mother, even though she's gone, like a part of your mother will always love your father for who he once was, before he cheated on her. This doesn't mean that'd she take him back if he wanted to give it another try. It means nothing more and nothing less than honouring what you've given to each other, admitting that even though it turned out badly, it was worth trying."
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go
Alec's thought of Camille and what a strong hold the vicious vampire had held over Magnus for over a century. Of the continued back and forth and trying and failing and the heartbreak and yet, when the warlock had been faced with sending his former love over to the Clave he had hesitated and only just now was Alec getting an idea why. Not because he loved her, not because he'd fall into her trap again, but because he remembered her for who she had been or even who Magnus had thought she could've been if only someone would love her truly. His bad conscience hadn't been induced by heartbreak, but sympathy and the factum that even though he had been given all the time in the universe, he hadn't been able to save Camille from herself.
"There's no item of Camille's in here?" asked Alec, turning over some items – a sheet of music and a bracelet – none seem to fit to the brunette vampire lady. "Well," said Magnus, a finger on his chin "She may be undead, but she's not dead dead…yet, right? So, there's no need for a momentum.
Over the course of an hour, Alec learned that the bracelet was Dot's. He had known Dot and even though he hadn't known about them as a couple, he had seen them interact as friends. It made it easier to picture Magnus being the Godfather to Etta's boy.
Run away with my heart
"The music sheet belonged to Imasu. And despite all my other relationships, this is the one I regret; because he loved me more than I loved him and that ultimately broke his heart." Magnus voice was laced with emotion and Alec, helpless and overwhelmed as he was, didn't know what to do. "How could you tell, that he loved you more than you loved him?"
"He wanted me to make him immortal, for us to spend eternity together. I couldn't picture it, no matter how hard I tried. I wanted to want it. I had longed to want it, because it was what I needed after Camille. I had fallen in love with the idea of eternal love, thanks to her and she had shattered me, almost beyond repair, but the moment this wonderful boy who had so much love to give was offering me his eternal love, I couldn't take it. I felt like a vulture. He had so much to give and by being with him I was robbing him of the chance to find true love and life a happy fulfilled life. So I did what I thought was right and ended things with him, on good terms or so I thought. I was sure he would move on and be happy and we could be friends or maybe not, but in the end, I'd know that I had not been selfish."
Run away with my hope
Tears were forming in Magnus' eyes and during his rushed speech, his voice had begun to quiver. Alec opened his arms, giving Magnus the embrace they both needed. And the warlock clung to him as if the young boy was his lifeline, which in so many ways – he was.. Alec knew the answer before the formed the question but he asked nonetheless: "What happened to Imasu?"
Magnus's reply was muffled by Alec's dress shirt. "A few years later I learned that he had never loved again, never married. Some might say he died of a broken heart.
Alec squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to stay calm. Was he like Imasu? Was history repeating itself? He was sure ending his own life would never be an option - under no circumstances could he envision such an act, but it was undeniable that after Magnus, Alec would never fall in love again, just like poor Imasu. The fact that their recent dispute had Alec doubting the intensity of each other's feelings wasn't helping his current panic attack. "It wasn't your fault." He crocked. "It wasn't…"
Magnus tore away from Alec's warm embrace, his eyes red, and tear- strains covering his cheeks "I know that. I thought that if it wasn't for Camille, I would've been able to love him the way he deserved to be loved and to give him what he'd asked of me. It was this moment that I knew Camille had broken me for good."
Run away with my love
Magnus eyes were big and pleading, begging Alec to make sense of what he was trying to say because giving voice to all this conflicting thoughts might very well kill him. "And then, I met you, Alexander."
I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind, I'll stay with you for all of time
"Me?" whispered Alec. "But you congratulated me on my job offer, encouraged me to go. I literally had to force you to tell me how you really felt and…"Alec's voice was stumbling over every word. "Every time I want to bring up progress or future, you turn me down. What did you expect I'd make of this? These stories and memories, I still don't know how you want me to believe you when you say that I matter as much as them? And even if I did, it still hurts because I cannot help but wonder if you find someone you'll love more than you've ever loved anyone before. More than you loved me. And I know it's childish and I shouldn't be this pathetic or selfish and should wish you all the happiness in the world for all the centuries that await you, but I can't. Because all I see is that I'm nothing special. I'm just another Imasu who longs to be not the love of your life bit the love of all your lives.
Magnus was staring at him, wide eyed, mouth shaped in surprise. "Oh my…Alexander…"
In the blink of an eye, Magnus had jolted up from his place on the couch and was now sitting in his Shadowhunter's lap, one hand on each cheek, lips to lips, gliding against each other in reassurance and relief. "You stupid Nephilim," Magnus whispered close to Alec's lips. "Don't you understand? It's not you, who's Imasu, it's me."
The statement keeps hanging in the air between them, still an issue unresolved but if tonight had taught them anything it was that no matter what the future held, they had to make every moment count.
"You only have this one life and I know of your dreams and your ambitions. I'd be a horrible boyfriend if I kept you from going after them. You always wanted a job at the Clave and therefore, I wanted you to succeed, because that's how much I love you. That's what love is about, if not, it's nothing more than a meaningless fling."
Alec sat up straighter, rearranging Magnus on his lap. "I don't follow…"
"You said, you're selfish for wanting to matter more than anyone before or after you, so tell me, how could it be considered anything but selfish that I wanted to beg you not to go to Idris, to stay with me, to not go to this one place on the earth other than death where I could not follow? That I'd want to be with you forever if you let me? I couldn't stomach even wanting to be this selfish…"
Alec didn't say a thing. He was stunned, awed and confused all at the same time. Could the solution to their problem truly be this simple?
"You are the farthest thing from selfish, Magnus Bane", said Alec, kissing the warlock's lips teasingly. "I said it once and I'll keep on saying it until you finally hear me: All I've ever wanted was to meet someone like you, and be with you, love you, be loved by you. Everything else, we're going to figure out, but us…"he said, "There's nothing more essential to what I want than you and me."
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go
"Honestly, I don't think I can live without you either," Magnus replied moved by his boyfriend's declaration. "When you said that to me, the night we got back together, it all became so real to me, that one day, you'll be gone and I got so scared."
"If you can't live without me and I can't live without you, there's only one path to save us from heartbreak." Alec's words were whispered into his lover's ear, like their own sacred secret.
"You can't mean that. You don't know what you're talking about. What that truly means, your family, your friends, everyone…I could never asked that of you."
If I could turn back time, I'll go wherever you will go
"You're not," said Alec. His hands securely looped around Magnus' back. "I anything I want you to ask me, because I'd do it. Right here, right now, without a single regret. But I need to know if you want this as much as I do. I need you to ask me, Magnus."
Once again, Magnus had no idea how he got so lucky to deserve the love of this beautiful, trusting, unwavering man? The man whose big brown eyes – after everything that had been discussed and revealed tonight – were still waiting for the final rejection. Although a small part of Magnus still felt a little bit selfish, he understood Alec's point of view and thanked whatever Angel had fated them together for tonight's honesty.
If I could make you mine, I'll go wherever you will go
As if Magnus could ever reject his one true love.
"Alexander Gideon Lightwood," he whispered, drowning in Alec's glistering brown eyes. "Will you be immortal with me?"
Alec surged forward with such force that Magnus feared they might tumble of the couch, but they didn't as Alec's grip on him was as firm as it was loving, as he replied, with a smile on his face that was worth a thousand lost loves,
"Yes, I will."
I'll go wherever you will go
THE END