Enduring His Absence
Chi-Chi groggily woke to the familiar sound of a baby crying and rose to her feet, wrapping herself loosely in a robe that had been tossed onto the rocking chair near her bed. The squalling continued, unabated, as she tiredly moved to the nursery and bent down to gather her screaming son from his cradle.
Dark eyes, wet with tears and shining brightly by light of the moon hanging low in the sky, closed in relief as his cries quieted. Chi-Chi arranged the child in her arms and breathed a sigh of exhaustion as she returned to her own room, sitting gingerly in the rocking chair. Thick dark hair, soft as feather down, brushed against her skin in contrast to the pain of nursing the baby. Chi-Chi closed her own eyes, wondering at how she had forgotten all the hassle that came of caring for a newborn. Sleep snatched in hour long intervals, suckling that hurt because breastfeeding wasn't a piece of cake, the residual soreness from the actual act of giving birth, and the noise of crying baby saiyans! When Gohan had been a baby he woke the wilderness all around the Son house, and it was no different now with Goten.
Her eyes stung and a pain not far from her youngest son's feeding tugged at her chest.
There were differences.
Awful differences that drove Chi to cry whenever she thought about it and she thought about it a lot.
It wasn't enough dealing with the mood swings of pregnancy or the depression that women succumb to after delivery, no, there was also the permanent heartache from the absence of the man she loved. To think that Goku had chosen - chosen - to remain dead when there was the chance for him to be revived... Chi felt tears slipping down her cheeks from behind closed lids and took a shuddering breath, wanting very much to stop the inevitable flood. Gohan would have been woken by his brother's cries, there was the chance that he hadn't gone back to sleep and might come to check on his mother and little brother, and Chi did not want her oldest son to see her in tears. Bad enough for the baby; saiyans weren't like humans... would Goten remember this?
Living with and loving a strong man was not easy. Chi-Chi herself was a strong individual and she had been taught by her own father and by her husband that weakness wasn't acceptable. Goku had always found strength in weakness, but Chi-Chi was a woman who appreciated perfection. The house was always tidy, the kitchen was always stocked with enough food to feed two hungry Saiyans, and the men of her life were constantly excelling at what they did best: fight.
Gohan was brilliant, she knew, but she had not wanted him to follow in his father's footsteps. Wouldn't it have been enough if his mind was his strength? Did he have to train his body so much? She pressured her oldest son to study hard and often, but his heart had never been wholly into learning - he knew so much already! Chi-Chi felt guilty sometimes, remembering how she had been as a girl, she fought as fiercely as the men and adored it. But she had found her true calling and it wasn't to risk life and limb protecting the world from disaster, destruction, and death. Instead, she cared for the fighters whose job that was. She was a mother, a wife, the queen of the homestead and in charge of cooking, cleaning, and keeping order.
It was easier with Goku around. Goku to be silly and kind-hearted, encouraging their son to practice fighting if that was where his heart lay. Goku to hold her tenderly in his arms, to make love to her sweetly. When he had lain for so long suffering from heart pains, Chi-Chi had known what it was to be helpless. Every time her boys dashed away to save the world, she could not go along to make sure they survived. Sometimes they didn't but eventually they were revived by the power of the dragons. It was a different kind of helpless, knowing that the people who mattered most to her were doing what they did best even though they might be hurt and killed. She could not stop them from leaving to battle and perhaps die any more than she could go with and fight herself.
To be right there, at Goku's side, as he writhed in the throes of agony and kept slipping closer to death... the tears were a torrent now and she had to turn her head to the side to keep from disturbing her hungry son. That time had been long and wretched and afterwards Goku had gone out because he could not ignore the call, and when he had fallen he did not rise again. Hoping to protect the world and his family, he had chosen to leave her and life for good. Sure, it made sense, threats were always there because Goku lived but who was to say there would be any shortage of trouble and danger with him gone? And if there was, who would shoulder the burden and save the world again?
More than that, Chi-Chi was selfish. She wanted her husband home to love her, to raise his sons - one of whom he did not even know existed. Gohan was just a boy. He needed his father around. Chi-Chi needed Goku around. Goten, so little and young, he deserved to know his sire!
Her tears were slacking, salty streaks drying on her cheeks and itching to be washed away by a warm washrag. She felt absolutely exhausted then, fatigue more severe than while pregnant, and she opened her eyes to keep from falling asleep in the chair, wiping with her sleeve at her eyes wearily. Goten continued to nurse and Chi-Chi silently marveled at the stomach capacity of even infant Saiyans, feeling grateful that the human female body acted on demand and always had enough milk to sate the baby's hunger.
It was not like her to indulge in moments of weakness and she had been doing so much of it lately that she was lucky the house was still standing and her sons well. With an infant and young boy on her hands, Chi-Chi needed to take things in hand and get back on her feet. She could not afford to be miserable because Goku was gone, especially when it was his decision. She had to respect his wishes and recognize the logic of his choice, no matter how much she wanted to be selfish and weep for days, begging for a different resolution.
Feeling too tired to manage a trip back to the nursery and then to her bed, Chi simply rose from the chair to crawl into bed, Goten safely settled in her embrace and finally finishing his late night snack. Tomorrow would be a new day and Chi Chi was determined to get back into the swing of things. There was no more time to be wasted on crying. She had two sons to raise.
"Goku... I love you. I wish you could be here right now. Goten looks exactly like you." She pressed a kiss to the baby's forehead and burped him. "I'm so proud of Gohan. He's a wonderful boy...but he could really use his father around. Even with the boys it's lonely here without you. I'm going to stop crying, love, but I'll always think of you. There is so much to do around here and I've got to be especially strong without you. Time passes by so slowly and I want to see you again." She sighed softly, Goten snuggling close and she tightened her arms around him in a gentle hug. "Life goes on and I can't wish things were different. I love you so much, Goku. I'm going to raise our boys well. I'm going to teach them to be strong. You just wait and see, those boys will be just fine. And eventually, Goku, when you and I are together again... so will I."