The Main Event -
Godzilla & Rodan
Vs.
King Kong & Godzilla
"This is Gorilla Monsoon."
"And Jesse the Body Ventura bringing you live from the Ogasawara Islands the fight of the century!"
'The century? Try the millenium, Jesse! The rivalry between Godzilla and King Kong goes back decades and these two titans among titans have just been itching to get their hands, er, claws on each other."
"That's right, Gorilla, but let's not forget this new monster that's calling itself 'Godzilla'. I think that has Godzilla even angrier than Kong's claim to the King of the Monsters world championship belt!"
"You know it, Jess! This new guy's manager, Dean 'the Weasel' Devlin certainly had a good idea to move his monster up through the ranks by giving it 'Godzilla' as a ring name."
"Still, this is the Weasel's first monster and it remains to be seen if this was such a good idea. After all, he's caused Godzilla to come out of retirement and form his own organization of giant monsters."
"Speaking of giant monsters, here they come. King Kong is accompanied to ringside by his manager for the last twenty years, Dino DeLaurentis and following behind him is Dean Devlin and his 'Godzilla'."
"You know that Kong has to be mighty annoyed with his manager, Monsoon. I mean the guy hasn't been able to get Kong a decent match in, well, since '76, unless you count that fiasco in '86."
"And with Kong out of the way, that's left room for monsters like Gamera and Mothra to rise in the rankings. If I were Kong, Jesse, I'd have to…"
"You'll have to wait on that one, Monsoon, 'cause we all know what that music is, that's the theme music for Godzilla's New World Order and here come Godzilla and Rodan, both wearing those black NOW T-shirts."
"You have to wonder why Godzilla picked Rodan as his partner in this fight, Jesse. I mean wouldn't you figure King Ghidorah or Mechagodzilla would be a tougher fighter in a match like this?"
"You can't hurt what you can't hit. That's Devlin's whole game plan with his monster, so Godzilla just decided to take an even faster monster for his partner."
"Well, the monsters are all in the ring and it looks like Godzilla and King Kong are going to start it off. After forty-years the biggest bullies on the block are going to lock horns."
"Wait a minute, Monsoon, Godzilla's pointing at Devlin's monster! He wants a piece of Devlin's 'Godzilla'!"
"And it looks like Kong's going to let him. He's walking over and there's the tag!"
"Devlin's monster's shaking its head. It doesn't want to go in there! It wants no part of Godzilla!"
"Look at Kong! He's turning to the crowd as if to say 'This is my teammate?' Wow, he just walloped Devlin's monster on the side of the neck!"
"I felt that all the way over here, Monsoon."
"There's got to be some scarpatial damage there, Jesse. Maybe even a torn carpaseudial."
"Do you even know what you're talking about, Monsoon? Wait, Kong's picking up Dean's lizard… and… wham! He bodyslams the creature!"
"Well, Devlin's monster is in the ring now!"
"Where's Kong going? He just nodded at Godzilla and started walking away from the ring. Dino's chasing after him… Kong's turning…"
"Ugh! I thought Kong was a vegetarian…"
"I guess that answers everybody's questions about these rumors that Kong had signed with Universal to start managing him."
"Back in the ring, Godzilla's got a good hold on Devlin's monster. Look at that, Jesse, he's slapping it like it was a child!"
"Well, Monsoon, in an interview last night, Godzilla said he was taking Devlin's monster very lightly."
"Now he's grabbed hold of its tail and is slamming it into the mat like he was driving nails. Now Godzilla's let go, Deanzilla staggers up… Oh! A giant kick in the face!"
"You can hurt what you can hit, Gorilla."
"I guess so! Devlin better have a dentist on retainer."
"Deanzilla's scrambling away from Godzilla. It's had enough. Wait! Its staggered into Rodan's corner!"
"Look at that, Jesse! Rodan just pecked both of Deanzilla's eyes before it even realized it was in the wrong place!"
"Well, Rodan's always been fond of eyes, Monsoon. Now he's using his wings to blow Devlin's monster back to Godzilla."
"And Godzilla drop-kicks his name-stealing adversary into next week! Stick a fork in him, Jesse, he's done."
"There's that New World Order music again!"
"We know what that means, Jesse."
"And there they are… the Wolf Pack, Baragon, Gorosaurus, Anguirus, and King Ghidorah!"
"Those look like baseball bats being carried by Baragon and Gorosaurus."
"Well, if they are, then Deanzilla is the ball. Now Gigan's come to ringside with a can of spray paint."
"They're painting 'looser' on Deanzilla, Jesse! This is despicable, somebody has to stop this."
"Look, coming down from the rafters! It's Gamera!"
"That looks like a baseball bat in his hands!"
"This isn't right, Monsoon, he's still supposed to be injured from his bout with Legion!"
"Well he isn't, Jesse. Look at those NWO goons clear the ring!"
"Not Godzilla, he's just standing there, staring Gamera in the eyes!"
"A lot of people have wanted to see Gamera and Godzilla fight, it looks like tonight they might get their wish!"
"Devlin's monster is crawlin' over to Gamera, grabbing his legs."
"Oh my God! Gamera just hit Deanzilla with the bat! He used it like a pool cue and popped Deanzilla between the eyes!"
"Deanzilla hasn't got any eyes… Rodan's got 'em. Now Gamera's droppin' the bat and leaving and the NWO is kicking Deanzilla. They're really puttin' the boots to it, Monsoon."
"Now Baragon's holding Deanzilla. Godzilla reaches out and grabs Devlin's monster's throat."
"I've seen this before, Monsoon. Godzilla used his off-time in the late seventies to study martial arts with Sonny Chiba, the Streetfighter."
"You mean…"
"There it is, Monsoon, Godzilla just ripped out Deanzilla's throat with his bare hand and now all of the monsters are breathing fire and electricity on the body."
"It's going up like a Roman candle."
"There's Devlin and his partner Roland Emmerich shaking their fists at Godzilla. Devlin's threatening to get another big lizard to call 'Godzilla'."
"Godzilla don't look happy, Jesse!"
"Whoa! Call Dominoes and tell them to bring a spatula."
"Well, that's it from Ogasawara. Next week we'll be on planet Klendethu for the Arachnids vs. the Selenites."
"That match is gonna bug me, Monsoon."