"You can come with me now, Cheyenne." A chubby nurse, getting too close to my face, told me. I was sitting in the Mainland Medical Center's waiting room with a Styrofoam cup in my hands, filled with black coffee. I hadn't drank any of the black liquid so it had grown cold… I definitely wasn't going to drink it now.
I stood up in a daze and my aunt Linda took the cup out of my hands and placed it on the end table next to her chair. My uncle, Samuel Woods (Linda's husband) stood up, along with a few of my other uncles, and hugged me tight.
"Be a strong lass, like I know you are, ya hear?" he said through his thick Irish accent with a tear in his eye.
I looked up at his dark, grey eyes; my lips parted a bit but no sound came out. He nudged me towards the nurse's direction. I walked the few steps over to her (felt more like floating, really) and looked at her through furrowed brows. She had a sweet, understanding smile on her face… I wanted to tear that smile right off that pudgy face of hers.
I could punch her square in the face…she'd get a bloody nose, nothing too serious. She's in a hospital already, anyways.
I could almost snicker at the thought but I refrained and made no physical contact. I was too tired, she was lucky.
She turned around on her heel and started walking away- I looked at my family, a pleading look in my eyes but they just gave me nods of encouragement. I looked back at the nurse and followed; she led me down a long, starch white hallway.
God, I hated hospitals. How many more times would I have to come here to just sit and watch as someone I loved slowly passed away in front of my eyes? Hospitals are disgusting… they smell of bleach and death. Nothing good ever comes from hospital visits… not for me anyway.
I don't know how long I was following the chubby nurse for; I was staring at the tiled wall beside me trying not to listen to the annoying squeak of her shoes walking along the white, tiled floor. After many turns and going through doors, she stopped in front of a room with the door open. The name of the patient, staying in the room, was written on a whiteboard hung next to the door frame.
Lydia Decker.
I rolled my eyes, sighed and walked right past the nurse and into the room. A long, light blue curtain with a stupid triangle design on it, was drawn, hiding the hospital bed from the hallway
I swallowed and clenched my jaw tightly.
I felt a soft hand gently touch my arm, I turned my head back around.
"Let me know if you need anything. Anything at all, sweetie." The chubby nurses kind smile was unwavering.
"Thank you." I whispered, not entirely sure if she heard me.
She gently squeezed my arm then closed the door quietly behind her.
Great. Now I feel bad for wanting to punch her…
I thought as I reached for the curtain to draw it back…
There she was. Just lying there; frail, pale and unconscious- she looked like a skeleton under the thing white blankets. Her chest rose slowly up then back down- she looked peaceful but I knew she was turmoil. I stood there for I don't know how long just staring at her, looking her up and down…almost afraid to go any closer.
It was your typical hospital room. It was private, just the one bed lay in the middle. There was a big window to the right letting bright, Texan sun in; a few miles east lay Galveston Bay. There were a couple of hard looking plastic chairs over to the left of the bed and a bigger chair over to the right (I guessed the bigger chair was supposed to be the "comfortable" one, it reclined back for people who were staying long amounts of time). IVs and beeping monitors were surrounding the sleeping woman.
I looked over at the big chair then over at the hard, plastic ones and chose the latter. I didn't want to get too comfy… I never stayed that long anyway.
I sat down on one of the plastic chairs and squirmed around a bit until I found a semi-comfortable position. I watched the morphine drip slowly in an IV and wished that I, myself, had some. It stunk in there, like feces, piss and the distinct smell of medicine lingered in the room; I could easily puke up last night's dinner. I looked down at my hands, trying not to think of the smell, and started twirling the ring I had on my pointer finger around and around.
The woman in the bed let out a quiet, raspy cough. My eyes snapped up at the sound and the next thing I knew I was looking at her eye to eye.
"Hey, mom." I managed to let out. She smiled weakly and slid her bony fingered hand from off her lap to the edge of the bed and a made a motion with her fingers to come sit on the bed. I looked down at her skeletal hand and back up to her face and then rose from my chair and sat next to her.
I cupped her hand in mine and placed it on my lap. I looked at her milky eyes, they had dark, brown bags underneath and they were sunken in like a skull; her eyes used to the be the same color as mine- a dark, ocean-like blue but had since become lighter and more distant since getting sick. Her head had patches of smoky, grey hair trying to grow back due to the chemo treatments she had, unsuccessfully, undergone. This wasn't my mother… she looked more like the crypt keeper from Tales from the Crypt.
"You look good." I lied, stroking her hand; I was a horrible liar.
She rolled her sickly eyes and gave a little smirk. There was a hint of the spunky mother I remember.
She raised her bony arm up to her mouth and coughed harder. I hated when she coughed- the physical reminders were bad enough, however the coughing up blood was a harsh, cruel reminder of how much worse she was on the inside.
She had stage IV lung cancer that was eating her alive… she would never be leaving this room. She had had cancer for years, even before daddy died, but she seemed to let slowly go after his passing. It was in the last year and a half that she became terminal- the last three months, bedridden. She was a ticking time bomb; her next breath could be her last.
I hadn't come to visit in the last few weeks- I was too angry at her for letting go… for not seeming to care about leaving me. I was being selfish… 16 year-olds can be devastatingly selfish… but she had seemed fine just a few months ago! – Yesterday, my aunt Linda came to me in my room and told me I had to come visit today… my mother wouldn't be able to hold on much longer. I didn't want to believe it…
It's scary how much different and wilted away she looked from just a few weeks ago. I choked back tears…. This wasn't happening.
It wasn't until she gently swiped her gaunt fingers across my face, that I realized I was staring at her yellowing, flaky skin.
"How're you feeling?"
What a stupid question! I thought, but I didn't know what else to say. I wasn't scared of much but I could feel my chest tighten and breath become harder; I couldn't do this.
She gave a slight shrug. She didn't like talking, it hurt her. We sat in silence just looking at each other.
Could this really be the last time I see her? My mind was racing. It can't be! She's too young to die!
As if knowing I was panicking on the inside, she slowly lifted her hand to my face and motioned with her fingers to come closer. I bent forward and laid my face into her hand and caressed my cheek. I put my hand on hers and tried to snuggle my face as close to it as I could. I closed my eyes and tried to picture us when I was a little girl….
[I was about 5-6 years old playing hop scotch in the Sons of Anarchy Galveston, Texas chapter's parking lot. My father, Charlie Decker (VP of the SoA Galveston chapter) and his wife, my beautiful mother, Lydia, roared into the lot on his chromed out Harley, followed by a group of Sons on their bikes.
"Chey!" my mom screamed as we caught each other's eyes.
"Mommy! Daddy!" I yelled back with an excited grin on my face. Her and daddy had been in Sturgis for bike week, along with the rest of the club. I had been staying with aunt Linda.
I ran up to my mom and jumped into her arms.
She was wearing tight washed out boot cup jeans with black biker boots. She wore a form fitting black, lace cap sleeve top and thick silver bangles. She had big hoop earrings in and her thick, long dark brown poofy hair laid across her shoulders.
I wrapped both my little legs around her waist and she carried me into the clubhouse hugging me tightly and whispering how much she missed me into my ear.
We got into the clubhouse and sat down on one of the couches, me sitting on her lap. She reached into her purse and pulled out a little figurine of an all-black mustang horse with a silver grey mane.
I looked up at mother's sparkling blue eyes with a huge grin across my little face.
"Thank you, mommy!" I cooed as she handed it to me.
"This is a mustang." She started explain to me as I started play-galloping the figurine in the air. "They're wild horses of the west. Free to run. Free to roam. Free to ride… whenever, wherever they desire. Just like us. …Just like you." She said as she playfully poked my belly.
"Just like us!" I giggled. "It looks like Harriet, too, mommy!" I exclaimed as I excitedly kissed the horse's tiny face.
"Yes, it does." She said with a smile and kissed the top of my head.
"You can add it to your collection at home." She said enthusiastically. "How was your week, baby?" she asked me.
"Fun! Aunt Linda took me to the beach and to play with Harriet!" I smiled. "How was Sturgis?" I asked, kicking my legs back and forth.
"A lot of fun… but I couldn't wait to get back home." She replied, hugging me. "Come on, let's go find daddy!" She said, starting to tickle me. I jumped off her lap laughing, mustang figurine in one hand and my mother's sun kissed, smooth hand in the other.]
"How's riding going?" She gasped out, breaking the long silence.
My eyes shot open. This didn't sound like my mother.
I shrugged, "Good, I guess." I said through pained eyes. She lightly nodded her head and smiled another weak smile; her eyes were almost tranquil-like.
Please don't ask me about riding! I thought desperately. You'll see me ride soon enough… very soon, mom… I promise. I wanted to say it out loud but I couldn't. With my head still resting in her hand, I closed my eyes again.
Then it happened.
All of a sudden her hand that was cupping my cheek, became limp in mine. I opened my eyes; she was staring lifelessly back at me. The heart monitor, she was hooked up to, was making a steady flatline beeping sound instead of the normal 'beep….beep….beep'.
"Mom?" I asked, looking at her clouded, pale eyes through swelling tears.
Three nurses came running into the room.
"Mom?" I asked again, a little more desperately; tears breaking through.
Two of the nurses went straight for my mother, the other- the chubby, blonde who brought me here, came to me and grabbed me by my shoulders. I hadn't realized I was trying to push the other nurses away from my mother.
"Let go of me!" I yelled as I wriggled out of her grasp, falling to my knees like a child having a temper tantrum.
"Miss Decker, please." The nurse said firmly, grabbing my shoulders again. "Please come out into the hall with me." I was trying to struggle free again.
No! I just got here! I haven't even told her I love her!...I didn't say goodbye! I was thinking it but it wasn't coming out.
Then everything got real slow. The hurried chatter between the two nurses by my mom were suddenly muffled. The beeping of medical devices slowly became deeper and drawled out. The nurse pulling me out the door became stronger. I felt like I had been submerged underwater. I couldn't take my eyes off my mother- I could have sworn her eyes were following me but I knew she was gone…there's no mistaking soulless eyes. I felt another hand, an even stronger hand, grab my arm and tug at me. I must've been putting up a good fight. I didn't break eye contact with her
Please wake up! PLEASE! I screamed at her in my head, as if hoping telekinesis would work. No words could penetrate my mouth. I was being pulled out the door, as I saw on the of the nurses touch my mother's cheek with the back of her hand then gently reach over and close her eyes with her pointer and middle finger.
As soon as I was in the hallway, I snapped back to normal. I was no longer submerged underwater. The other hand that I felt pull me out, was another nurse who rushed into the room as soon as I was out.
"Miss Decker…. Cheyenne?" The chubby nurse asked, looking at me with deep concern. She touched my right elbow but I quickly jerked it away.
"Let me go get your uncle-"she started. I must've looked at her like I was about to melt. "Please sit down, sweetie." She suggested, motioning me over to a chair. I looked at the chair then back at her. She stepped forward and helped me towards the chair. She sat me down and felt my forehead, I was sweating.
"I'm going to your aunt and uncle and some water. Just relax here." She was almost pleading. I nodded but I wasn't really listening to her. She scuttled down the hall.
I dropped my head into my hands and started crying profusely.
What is going on?! I screamed at myself, as I rubbed my eye sockets as hard as I could with my palms.
I looked up for a moment, trying to catch my breath. I saw a nurse walk out of my mother's room and take a deep breath; she looked over at me with sincere sympathy.
I forgot how to breathe.
Next thing I knew I was walking, then jogging, then running down the white hallways of the hospital. I was running around corners and through doors but everything looked the same. I was lost. My heart started to pound and race, my body was getting overheated, I felt a pearl of sweat roll down my left temple.
I stopped running when I got to an intersection- four long hallways went off in each direction. I bent down and put my hands on my knees trying to catch my breath and bearings. I looked up and everything was swirling around in front of me. The long hallways around me turned into one then into six, going up and down, all around- like looking through a kaleidoscope.
I was about to pass out when a stranger came up to me and placed his hand on my hyperventilating back.
"Ma'am, are you o-" he started.
"Where….is…." I breathed, I couldn't think.
"Ma'am, you should sit do-" he started again.
"WHERE IS THE EXIT?! HOW THE FUCK DO I GET OUT OF HERE!?" I finally screamed at him.
The stranger took a step back then pointed down the hallway to the right.
"Go down this hall, make a right. There will be a set of doors, go through them and you'll be in the waiting room." He said calmly.
I didn't look at him and I didn't thank him. I just started running down the hall he told me to. I needed to get out.
I ran down the hall and turned right. A set of doors with a sign that read 'Waiting Room' stood there. I broke through the doors and into the room full of people waiting to hear the news that their loved ones were dead.
In a quick flash, I saw the chubby nurse over with my leather clad family. My aunt Linda's face was buried into my uncle Sam's cut, he was listening intently at what the nurse was saying. All my other uncles were standing behind them looking gravely.
I made it through the waiting room without any of them seeing me. I ran through the automatic doors and out into the warm sunlight and fresh air.
I kept running until I got to the end of the parking lot and collapsed to my knees on a patch of grass. By not my family would be realizing that I was gone and would probably be searching for me around the hospital. I dry-heaved a couple times then puked. I blinked rapidly trying to stop crying then puked again. I was starting to feel dizzy again so I sat down on the grass; blue and pink dot popped in and out and clouded my vision. I thought I could hear people yelling my name in the distance but I couldn't concentrate. My breathing became lighter and then everything went black.