A/N: One-shot inspired by Chris's Twitter account being hacked. Warning for Sebastian being an ass, a dig at the Situation, and for being predictable.
"Sebastian Smythe, for the fifteenth time, I will not go out with you!" Kurt yells into his phone as he rides the thankfully empty elevator up to his office.
"Give me one good reason why not," Sebastian argues. Kurt can hear him impatiently drumming his fingers on his desk over the phone.
"First of all, you're infuriating," Kurt says, exiting the elevator and speed walking to his office to avoid the rumor mill listening in on his personal conversation. "Second of all, how the fuck did you even get my private email address, jackass? I went to great lengths to keep it unlisted, un-Goggle-able, un-search engine friendly…"
Kurt kept a few pieces of information private – things that only one or two people knew about. His personal email address had been one of those things. It was one account he could open knowing he wouldn't see any SPAM or inappropriate ads or phishing of any kind. It had been quite a surprise earlier that morning when Kurt woke up and checked this email, hoping for a message from his dad about his upcoming visit, to find an inbox full of gay porn gifs.
"I have my ways," Sebastian says, smirking around the words.
"Yeah, but are they legal?" Kurt asks, then shakes his head. "Never mind. I don't think I want to know."
"I asked for good reasons, Hummel," Sebastian interrupts. "All you've given me so far is one excuse and one asinine question."
"Well, that's all you're getting, because I am done with this conversation," Kurt says with unquestionable finality. He's about to disconnect the call when Sebastian's voice pipes up again.
"Just tell me why not," Sebastian says, his voice becoming sedate since he knows that Kurt is about to end their conversation.
"I have my reasons, Sebastian," Kurt replies – and Kurt does have reasons, but lately he's been wondering if they're as good as he originally assumed.
The line goes quiet – tense and quiet – and Kurt sighs into the phone, a signal that he needs to get going.
"Fine, but you can't get rid of me that easily," Sebastian says, and even though the words sound like a warning, Kurt can hear the smile in his voice. They've been doing this dance for the last three months, ever since they tiptoed out of the enemy stage of their relationship, such as it is, and entered into the friendly-banter-kind-of-flirting stage. And there they plateaued – partially because Kurt doesn't know if he's ready to start dating after the break-up of his long-term engagement, and partially because this is Sebastian Smythe. Being friends with him is weird enough, but a date – that's something Kurt has a hard time picturing, not without a considerable amount of tequila in his system.
Though he finds that picture becoming clearer lately, it's still too much fun yanking Sebastian's chain.
"Ignoring you," Kurt singsongs into the receiver as he gets mentally prepared for work.
"Be careful, Kurt," Sebastian says in that low, velvety tone that kind of makes Kurt's toes curl, "or I'll come up with something you won't be able to ignore."
"Bring it on, Mr. Smythe," Kurt retorts, "because it's going to take a bit more than an empty threat to get my attention." Kurt signs into his laptop and pulls up his work email, looking for the message from Isabelle that has the spread for the upcoming issue attached but half-expecting to find another crop of inappropriate photographs. "Now, I have to go because I'm super busy and important."
That's when he hangs up the phone.
Sebastian calls immediately back.
Kurt ignores the call and lets it go to voicemail. He enjoys a good game of cat-and-mouse, and putting Sebastian in his place is fun, but he wasn't lying about being busy. He has a deadline looming over his head like a cartoon anvil, and if he doesn't work fast, he's going to get flattened.
Not that it matters to him at all, but it confuses Kurt when Sebastian doesn't try to call back a couple of more times like he always does, since boundaries mean very little to him. But Kurt's phone is silent for the majority of the morning.
Shame that can't be said about his office.
It starts with one person passing by his open door, peeking their head inside, and then hurrying off.
"Was there something that…" Kurt gets out before the person ducks into another office down the hallway and out of earshot. "You needed?" Kurt finishes anyway, shrugging to himself as he returns to work. A little while later, two female interns walk by his door. They don't stop but they snicker, then they laugh, huddled together over the files they're carrying and hurrying away before Kurt can get out of his seat.
A moment later, a roar of laughter rises up from the conference room, and before he even has the chance to wonder if it's connected to any of the other strange attention he's gotten that morning, Isabelle barrels down the hallway toward his office.
"Kurt? Honey?" Isabelle comes up beside him and peeks over his shoulder at the work he's doing on the new center spread, "Have you been on your Twitter account at all this morning?"
Kurt looks up at her and swallows hard. He had made a veiled man-scaping reference about an actor in a tweet earlier that morning as he got on the subway to work, but he didn't think it would cause any kind of ruckus. He hadn't even mentioned the man's name.
Oh my God! Had he read it? Did he figure it out and get angry? Were they getting sued? Kurt starts composing the requisite retraction apology in his head as he nods.
"Only…only once," Kurt stammers, "but that's all. How could I know the Situation would figure out I was talking about him?"
"Kurt…" Isabelle starts, but Kurt stammers over her.
"I didn't know he followed my Twitter! I didn't even think he could read!"
"No, no," Isabelle says, shaking her head and putting a hand on Kurt's shoulder to calm him. "That's not what I'm talking about."
Kurt's eyes open wide.
"Well, then I don't know…"
Isabelle motions to his computer and he turns to his laptop, pulling up his Twitter account on the screen. He clicks on his tweets and replies, and scrolls down to the last tweet he remembers sending.
"Extreme hairy man faux pas! A certain Jersey cutie needs to invest in a razor…or a lawn mower!"
Kurt frowns. It sounds more tactless now that he's had his morning cup of coffee. He makes a mental note to delete it later.
After that is a tweet that reads, "Truth time! Facts about me that you didn't know that are absolutely 100% true!"
"What?" Kurt mutters, scrolling to the next tweet after that.
"I have eighteen cats at home. I call them my babies. They sleep with me at night."
"What the…" He turns to Isabelle, who looks down at him with not a trace of a smile on her face. "I didn't tweet this."
"Keep going," she says, pointing to the screen. "They kind of get worse."
"In high school, I was voted Prom Queen."
Kurt raises an eyebrow. That wasn't exactly a secret, but only people from McKinley High School and a handful of other close friends know about that, unless someone went digging into his past. But why would they do that?
"I have a phobia about using public restrooms."
"Well," Kurt says, "that's everybody, I think."
"Yeah," Isabelle agrees. "Keep going."
"On Wednesdays I wear pink…underwear."
Kurt gasps, but then he reads the next one.
"Most of the time, I wear no underwear at all."
"What!?"
"To be fair, Kurt, that one is true."
Kurt moans, putting a hand to his forehead. He feels Isabelle squeeze his shoulder gently and Kurt just knows that the worst is yet to come. He scrolls up the screen and stops breathing.
"I masturbate to ABBA. My go to song is Dancing Queen."
That one he unconsciously reads out loud and next door an office full of his fellow employees erupts with laughter.
"You didn't tweet these?" Isabelle confirms and Kurt shakes his head.
"No!" he answers emphatically. "My account was hacked! Who…who would do something like this?"
"It's probably not even someone who knows you, honey," Isabelle answers. "It's just someone trying to get a little attention at your expense."
Kurt's eyebrows shoot straight up at her words.
"Wait," he says, turning in his chair to face her. "Say that again?"
She furrows her brow as she looks at him.
"I said it's probably just someone looking to get some attention."
Kurt turns back to the screen and looks at the string of tweets. They all have the hashtag #truthtime except for the very last one with a hashtag that reads #nowdoIhaveyourattention.
Kurt doesn't want to smile but he does.
"That son of a bitch…"