This Is Not That Story
By Rebecca Eisenberg
Once upon a time there was a story about a beautiful princess who lived in a beautiful castle with beautiful clothes and beautiful dreams and beautiful friends and a prince who was called handsome.
This is not that story.
This story takes place thrice upon a time (because the characters are often forgetful), in a land that is a lot closer than it is far, and in a castle much shorter than it is tall. This is mostly because the people who reside inside are wider than they are thin and having a castle taller than it is short was deemed unreasonable in The Infamous Height Debacle Of The Year Sixteen-Hundred-Eighty-Seven-Point-Two. But this is mostly, and nearly entirely, a story about a plain princess who lived in this plain (and plainly strange) castle, with plain friends and plain clothes and no prince because she was so unbearably plain.
* * * * * * * *
One day, Princess Dull, of the kingdom closer than it is far, was walking (because she was too plain to skip) through the forest singing her plain songs. She soon arrived back at the castle where she found the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. Indeed, it was actually The Most Beautiful Object in the world. It ought to be noted, however, that it wasn't terribly difficult to find something Princess Dull could deem 'most beautiful' as all her possessions were horribly drab. In many circles and few squares, This Most Beautiful Object was known as A Basket. Princess Dull, however, simply called it a basket, as she was too bland in speech to ever bother with proper capitalization. But, properly capitalized or not, A Basket is a basket, and so she filled it with goodies (all of which were more interesting than she) and decided to visit her sick grandmother.
After several years of silent contemplation as to how to deal with their daughter's complete and utter dullness of character, her parents finally watched her leave without giving her spiel #203, Don't Talk to Anyone or Anything Strange, in hope that she would wander off with a someone or a something strange and lift the Cursed Blandness that had settled itself around the castle upon Princess Dull's birth, leaving them in a Land of Bliss.
Back on the ground, Princess Dull walked along the path in the only way she knew how (monotonously), humming the only song she knew (monotonously), and swinging her arms (monotonously) but carefully so as not to jostle The Basket of goodies.
About halfway through Princess Dull's journey she ran into what would be The Most Interesting Experience in any princess's life. For Princess Dull, whose classifications of Moments ranged from a mere 'bland' to the more racy 'tepid', the moment was simply a moment, despite its actual capitalization-worthy level of importance. This Moment would come to be known to future generations as spiel #976 Never Talk to Talking Wolves (Foxes, Dogs, or Other Canine Quadrupeds). This was The Moment in which every other Little Girl, Fair Maiden, Damsel in Distress, and Occasional Mermaid would learn never to speak to the Oh-So-Common Big Bad Wolf. This was The Moment in which Princess Dull did exactly that. The Big Bad Wolf stepped out calmly in front of her and asked in a quite polite and docile manner as to where she was headed and where she was from. Princess Dull, clearly not known for her deep thought, answered him truthfully and honestly, before she bade him Good Day, and set off again (monotonously) for her Grandmother's house.
* * * * * * * *
Unbeknownst to Princess Dull, however, The Big Bad Wolf was already halfway to her Grandmother's house by the time she had taken one step forwards, and by the time her foot touched ground a second time, he was inside the house where he promptly Devoured her poor Grandmother. A Devouring is always a Mournful Moment, hence the Capitalization. The Devouree, however, often only has time to think of it as a devouring, seeing as two to four (but never three to six) bites later Capitalization is fairly irrelevant.
Princess Dull arrived at her grandmother's house late by exactly the same amount of time as it had taken her to converse with The Big Bad Wolf in the forest moments earlier. She knocked three times, not too loud and not too soft (but not just right either), and a dull thumping noise emitted through the other side of the door where The Big Bad Wolf was dozing in Princess Dull's grandmother's clothes. Upon hearing her pathetic excuse for knocking, The Big Bad Wolf perked up. This was always his favorite part of the story. The Devouring. He grinned.
"Come in, My Dear."
Princess Dull walked in to the room, not noticing her Grandmother's change in appearance. This was, perhaps, because her bland view of the world allowed her to see only what was considered normal and sometimes drab. But then again, perhaps it was just that the Big Bad Wolf really was that good at disguising himself as elderly women.
"Grandma! What big ears you have!" Princess Dull exclaimed, introducing the exclamiation mark into her vocabulary for the first time.
"The better to hear you with, My Sear." The wolf grinned again; Princess Dull's lines were practically scripted – this would be his easiest Devouring yet.
"Grandma!! What big! Eyes you have!!" Princess Dull proudly proceeded to use the exclamation mark as often as possible.
"The better to see you with, My Dear." The wolf licked his chops in the manner of all wolves who appear in typical fairy tales.
"Grandma!!! What!! Big!! TEETH!!!! You have!" Princess Dull overused the exclamation mark in her enthusiasm, and was resigned to speaking with nothing more than the standard Period/Question Mark forms of punctuation for the rest of her (soon to be short and continuously monotonous) life.
"The better to EAT YOU WITH MY DEAR!" The Big Bad Wolf grabbed a dangling exclamation mark from Princess Dull's words to tack onto the end of his threat before Devouring her whole.
"Note to self," the wolf murmured with a burp, removing the grandmother's nightgown, but deciding (after a lengthy and appreciative glance in the mirror) to continue donning the lace-knit nightcap, "next time, bring salt."
Outside on the dirt path, a regal white stallion approached the cottage heading towards the very castle Princess Dull had once inhabited. As the magnificent horse drew nearer, it's rider proved to be a Most Beautiful Princess, and indeed she was the most beautiful Most Beautiful Princess that the wolf had ever seen. She waved to him through the window, and he tipped his granny cap to her briefly in response before burping again and patting his belly contentedly.
Now that's the kind of Princess we need, he thought to himself of the Beautiful Princess. Exciting, vivacious, stunning...perfect. She'll bring peace and joy throughout the land and all will live happily ever after. After all, the moral in stories such as the one told in the above text, is always the same. If you aren't The Pretty One, you'll never EVER make it farther than the wolf's belly. Sure enough, in the weeks following The Devouring of Princess Dull, the land was coated in sugary sweetness, boasting of marriages to Handsome Princes, and filled to the brim with Once Upon A Time Beginnings in which everyone lived happily ever after.
Except, of course, for Princess Dull.
- THE END -