Author's Note: At the HMS STFU (a Journalfen community for mocking obsessive shippers, mostly in the Harry Potter fandom) someone linked to a collection of Snape/Lupin writing prompts. One of them was to write Snape's or Lupin's diary in the style of Bridget Jones, so I decided to rise to the challenge. It has to be Snape/Lupin because that was the prompt, and there will be crack and out-of-character behaviour. Enjoy!
Remus Lupin's Diary
Chapter 1
December 31st
Calories: billions, alcohol units: too many to count, cigarettes: 10 packets, moon: waxing
Miserable, lonely Christmas. This diary was my only present.
It could have been worse. My parents could be alive, then they'd be inviting me to horrible Turkey Curry Buffets and introducing me to rich bachelors with no dress sense.
Anyway, have had enough of being unemployed Singleton. Have decided this is going to be the year when it all changes for me. Hurrah!
My New Year's Resolutions
I WILL:
Develop inner calm and serenity without boyfriend, as best way to get boyfriend.
Get boyfriend.
Find a job, any job. Surely no one would mind a werewolf cleaning their toilet?
Drink less.
Smoke less.
Provide emotional support to Harry despite not being his teacher any more.
Take Wolfsbane Potion on time.
I WILL NOT:
Get involved with alcoholics, workaholics, perverts or emotional fuckwits.
Offer Hogsmeade chocolate to random strangers in street.
Use "Just For Wizards" to dye moustache.
Ooh, Celestina Warbeck on WWN singing cover of All by Myself. Time to get hopelessly drunk and sing along out of key.
January 1st
2am: Argor booze ish luvverly. V.G.
3.10am: Just spent last half-hour retching into toilet bowl. Blargh.
3.28 am: Want to make cup of soothing herbal tea but cannot find kettle. Where is kettle?
3.30 am: Saying "accio kettle" produces no results. Does fault lie with wand or kettle?
3.35 am: No, is own fault. Am so hungover I can't put two words together.
4.12 am: Have taken strong potion for hangovers. Right. Must pull self together. Am grown adult man/werewolf and should behave as such. This is not a promising start to the year.
4.13 am: January Sales start in less than three hours!