Chapter One: The Coupon

Kyle yawned and slid down from his bed. He glanced at the clock on his nightstand. Six-thirty. The nine-year-old had always been an early riser.

But suddenly, he could hear an ominous voice echo out of thin air.

"Look under your brother's pillow…"

Kyle blinked. "Um, why?"

"J-just do it, okay!"

Sighing, the young boy tiptoed across the silent hallway and creaked open the door. Little Ike, his adopted Canadian brother, was sleeping peacefully in his bed.

Carefully, as not to disturb the sleeping toddler, Kyle wedged his hand under the pillows, feeling around until he pulled out a small, black slip of crinkled paper. In a sloppy, red font, it read:

FREE HOUSE

in

North Park, Texas

(Home of the Jews)

Kyle stared. "Oh, my god!" he whispered. "I didn't even know there WAS a North Park!" But then the line at the bottom finally clicked in his head. "Wait…Home of the…Jews? Holy shit! A town full of people like me?!"

Kyle, with several thoughts in his head, quietly hurried back to his room.

"Dude- why did my brother have this thing?" he muttered, gazing at the coupon.

"Uh…I left it there. 'Cause, I mean, you guys are Jewish, right? So you'd like…love it there!" the dark voice rang.

"Who are you?"

"Uhh…I'm the…the p-pizza guy! Yeah, and…I was just there and uh…I got you that coupon."
"Why were you here?"

"Uhh...your brother…ordered a pizza."

Kyle frowned, furrowing his eyebrows in disbelief. "He's three. He can't even say 'pizza.' And if you're just the pizza guy, why can I hear you in my head?" he asked.

"Um, I'm an imaginary pizza guy…"

"What?"

"Bye!"

Kyle heard nothing else. He sighed again and got ready for school.

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Later that cold morning, Kyle approached the bus stop, where he met his three friends: Stan, Eric Cartman- simply going by Cartman most of the time- and Kenny.

"What's on your mind, Jew?" blurted the rude Cartman, who always enjoyed taunting Kyle for his religion.

"I found this coupon for a free house in some Jew town." Kyle grumbled. "The pizza guy left it under my brother's pillow. He says my family would love it there."

Stan, who happened to be the closest of Kyle's friends, frowned. "Okay…first of all, that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Two: you're not actually moving away, are you?!"

"Number one: it is a little suspicious, I guess…" retorted Kyle, a bit annoyed. "Two: I don't wanna leave my friends behind, but it does sound like my kind of place!"

"Okay," added Cartman," one, suspicious or not, you're not looking at the big picture here: free freakin' house! And number two, I say let him leave, Stan! That'd kick so much ass!"

Stan and Kyle glared. Kenny, peeking through the tiny opening in the hood of his coat, grew tired of the argument. "Mrfmrm- mrmrfmr, mrfrmmrmrmrfmrf. Mrr, mrfmrmrf, mrmrmrfmrf!" he told them.

"Kenny, how can you say that?!" cried Cartman. "I thought Kyle was your friend!"

"Oh, shut up, you fat bastard!" yelled Kyle. "Anyway, like I said, I think it sounds like a cool place. I just don't know."

"Dude," snickered Cartman, "there is no fucking way a Jewish town could be cool. At all."

"Cartman, shut your goddamn mouth!" growled Kyle. He sighed and stared at the ground, silent.

"…kick the baby?" Cartman offered brightly.

"Eh- what? No, I only kick Ike," sighed Kyle.

He was very quiet in school that day.

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At dinner, Kyle spooned up a bite of broccoli and let it drop back on the plate. His parents stared, concerned.

"Kyle, is something bothering you?" asked his father, Gerald.

"Guys…if you had a chance to live- for free- in a town with only Jews, do you think you would do it?"

Gerald and Sheila glimpsed at each other. "Son…"Gerald began slowly, "I would kill your mother…right now…and eat her entrails…if I could live in such a town."

"That's right, there's nothing we wouldn't give to be with our own kind all the time," Sheila agreed, digging back in to her meal.

"Why do you ask?" Gerald wanted to know.

Kyle gulped. "J-just curious…"

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That night, Kyle was restless as he tossed and turned in bed.

"Always being accepted as a Jew…" he whispered to himself with delight. "No more Cartman to constantly rip on me! NO MORE CARTMAN!" But then Kyle came to another thought and moaned in dismay. "And…no more Kenny, and no more…Stan…"

Suddenly, he growled, stomped into Ike's room, grabbed Ike, and punted him while yelling, "Kick the goddamn baby!" Ike went crashing through the window and fell in the snow, still sound asleep.

Satisfied, Kyle sighed and returned to bed.

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"Kyle, I can't believe you would do this!" shouted Stan, chastising Kyle as he somewhat solemnly packed his bags into the car. "By the way, Cartman already left for Christmas vacation, so he gave me this note."

Kyle took the note from Stan and read it aloud: "Kyle: Goodbye forever, Jewtard. Cartman. Goddammit."

Just then, Kenny came up the sidewalk, holding a small box.

"Kenny, can you believe Kyle?" grumbled Stan. "He's leaving so he can make a whole bunch of new Jew friends!"

"Mrmrf," said Kenny, "rmrfmrmrmrmrmrfmrf."

"Aww, Kenny, you didn't have to get me a present," Kyle told him, hesitantly taking the box in his hands.

"Frfmrf, mrfrmmrfmrmrf," laughed Kenny, running off back to his house without another word.

"Oh," sighed Kyle. He opened the box and found a single frozen waffle. But under the waffle was a note addressed to him.

Kyle,

Thanks for being Kenny's friend. Whatever he says, we're sure he'll miss you.

-Kenny's parents

P.S.- Before you leave, can we have our waffle back?

"Kyle, say goodbye to Stan. It's time to go." called Gerald as he and Sheila climbed into the front seats.

Kyle turned to Stan, who still had venom in his eyes. "Listen…" he began. "You're my best friend. So no matter how great this town may be…I…I'm gonna miss you a lot." He left his helplessly teary-eyed friend with a quick hug and jumped into the car next to his brother. As the family drove away, Kyle and Stan stared at each other until they were out of each others' sight.

Meanwhile, they were being watched.

"Now…my plan shall fall into place…" and evil voice laughed. "I, Satan, shall soon rule the world! Once the two are together, it will all be over…yes…"