Wont Ever Be Your Cornerstone, a csi fanfic

Hi there! This has been the first fic in a while that I've gotten excited about. Not because I didn't like writing the other stories, I did, but something about this one got me enthusiastic. Usually I enjoy writing a story but a huge part of it is me wanting to write the emotions and get that particular idea/story on paper (well, not technically paper but you get what I mean). With this one, I think I just got excited because it's a different dynamic than what I'm used to. In terms of theme it's pretty regular for me but I enjoyed approaching a different pairing. I like DB Russell and I know he and Nick aren't the best of friends (I'm excited to see how well they get along during the season) but I wanted to see how Russell would react in a certain situation with Nick.

Oh and I mention Nick's age at one point but I have no idea how old Nick is meant to be, however I know that George Eads is 44 and I'm pretty sure they always had Nick a few years younger than him so I'm just going to go with 40years old. I hope you enjoy this, and as always thanks for reading and I'd love to hear your feedback.

Just a heads up that this involves a little kid with a not-nice ending..

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'What?' Nick looked back into the dark alleyway. His eyes were transfixed on one corner while his breathing became rapid.

'You alright Kid?' Brass stood motionless with one arm outstretched towards Nick.

Nick stood watching the body as tears threatened to spill over.

'Nick…'

'I'm going to head back to the lab.' Nick turned leave but Brass caught his arm and stopped him.

'Nicky… Don't blame yourself.' Brass patted his shoulder and as Nick turned to leave his entire world melted away.

Don't blame yourself. Brass had meant it as a comfort but it caused realisation to dawn in Nick's mind instead. If Brass suspected that Nick blamed himself, then he really must have been the one to cause the sight they had just been witness to.

Nick walked towards his SUV and began to feel his legs tingle and his arms shake. The blood drained from his face and his hands wouldn't cooperate when he tried to find his keys.

Don't blame yourself.

Nick pulled his door open and sat into his car while watching more and more police officers descend on the alley. He watched Brass order his officers around and greet the day shift as they came to start work. It was early in the morning and Nick's shift would end in 20 minutes but the day shift had already started taking cases for the day.

Nick's hands held the steering wheel in a death grip as red and blue lights washed over him. His entire body shook as the adrenaline started to leave his body and his double shift came back to haunt him. He lowered his head slowly onto the steering wheel as a rush of air left his lungs. He pulled away from the scene as his breath caught in his throat and the sobbing began, his mind racing over the events of the last week.

'Do you know my Daddy?' Nick stopped in the hallway as a little girl pulled on his trouser leg. He recognised her as Alison Greens, her dad was a witness in Sara and Greg's case.

The little girl hugged her stuffed elephant close and peered at Nick who had crouched down to become eye level with her.

'Not really.' Nick smiled as she brushed back some of her blonde curls. She was only 4 years old but Nick thought that she was already way ahead of his nephew.

'Then why do you want to talk to him?' Alison tried to crouch on the ground like Nick but ended up sitting down with her knees pulled up under her. She looked Nick straight in the eye waiting for his answer.

'My friend just wants to ask him something.' Nick tried not to laugh at the intense and suspicious stares the little girl was giving him.

'What does that mean?' Alison poked Nick's vest just above where 'Stokes' was emblazoned.

'It's say 'Stokes' and that's my name. It's so people know who I am when they see me.' He watched as the cogs appeared to be turning in the little girl's head.

'That's a weird name though.' Alison put her stuffed elephant on the ground between herself and Nick.

'It's not as weird as Alison.' He teased as he leaned forward and stuck his tongue out at her.

'Alison isn't weird and you're not allowed to stick your tongue out of your mouth.' Alison pressed her toy up into Nick's face so she couldn't see him anymore.

'I didn't stick my tongue out.' Nick pushed his laughter away and instead put on his best 'innocent' face for the little kid.

'You did, I saw and Nelly saw too. Didn't you?' Alison turned to her elephant and nodded her head as if to answer the toy. Nick smiled and watched the girl live contently in her own little world.

'Alison, get over here.' Jerry Greens left the office at the end of the corridor and paused long enough to call his daughter away from Nick before turning and walking towards the exit.

'See you soon Stokes.' Alison stood up and ran after her Father with her elephant trailing behind her. …

Don't blame yourself.

Nick felt numb, it was as if his body didn't know what to do. He felt sick and hungry at the same time. His hands shook but his legs were completely still and his eyes felt dry as the tears threatened to spill. He was shocked and buzzing with energy all at once.

He looked down at his knee and watched it start to shake. His mind flashed between the past and present while everything in the room seemed to fade away from sight.

He examined the floor and saw the red and blue lights from the crime scene flash across the ground. They weren't really there though; he had long since left the alley.

'Where's Nelly.' Nick was sucking on a red lollipop while Alison licked a green one held tightly in her hand.

'I had to give it to my Daddy. He said I was getting too big to bring her with me everywhere.' Alison looked sad as she talked about her prized toy.

'I'm sure your Dad will let you have her with you at night. You know, I brought a blue blanket with me every single place I went until I was your age.' Nick smiled at the thought of his long-ago safety blanket.

'Did your Daddy take it?' Alison sat up and pulled her knees under her so she was closer to Nick's height in the chair.

'Yeah.' Nick sighed dramatically.

'He said that big boys don't need blankets with them. But I got used to it and so will you.' Nick elbowed the little girl gently and she poked him in the arm in return.

'How come when you talk you sound different sometimes?' Nick laughed at the question, she definitely was a curious kid.

'Well, because I'm from Texas I guess.' Nick often forgot that he sounded a little different than most of those in the crime lab, well except Bobby.

'Is Texas near here because I remember my Daddy saying that my aunty Lizzie lived in Texas?' Alison's eyes lit up when she mentioned her aunt.

'Umm, Kind of.'

'Like 20 minutes?' Alison looked amazed at the distance.

'A little longer than that.' Nick picked up her lollipop wrapper that had fallen to the ground.

'An hour?' Alison had dropped her hand down in surprise and her lollipop had stuck to the end of her dress. Nick pulled it free for her as he replied.

'It's a little bit further than that.' He bit into his lollipop as he smiled at Alison who was attempting to do the same.

'That's really far away. Why'd you leave, is it not nice there?'

'Well…' Nick began to reply but was interrupted.

'Alison.' Her father had left the room on the left hand side of the corridor and beckoned her over.

'See you soon Stokes.' Alison ran towards her Dad.

'Bye Alison.' Nick stood up as she left. Sara left the room that Alison's Dad had come from and walked towards Nick.

'Slacking off?' Sara smirked as she noticed the candy in Nick's mouth.

'Lunch actually, I was just passing and Alison asked about her dad so…' Nick replied.

'Do you think you'll ever have kids?' Sara sounded genuinely curious as they began walking towards the stairs.

'Why, are you offering?' She smacked Nick with the folder in her hand as he laughed.

'I don't think Grissom would be too pleased.' Nick ducked to avoid another hit.

'Go. Now, before I put one of his experiments in your lunch box.' Sara smiled as he walked towards the break room.

Don't blame yourself.

Nick had his hands clasped together tightly and his left knee wouldn't stop bobbing up and down. He was biting his bottom lip while staring at the floor in front of him. His mind was racing and he could feel his head begin to hurt. Nick thought he must be getting the flu, that's why his head felt stuffed and his eyes were moist. Everything below his eyes felt numb, like he had been paralyzed. He remembered when he was shot and the ice cold feeling that spread throughout his chest and back.

He looked at his boot and saw red all over it. Nick's face dropped and his shoulders slumped as he buried his head in his hands.

'Nick?'

'It's my favourite colour.' Alison held her new watch up for Nick to see. It was red with little black dots all over it reminding him of a ladybird.

'It's nice Alison.' Nick looked closely at it and noticed that the time was wrong.

'It's not set to the right time though.' Nick watched as Alison looked disappointed.

'Can you fix it?' Alison tugged on her watch making the strap come loose. She held it up to Nick with a hopeful look on her face.

'Sure.' Nick took the watch and set it to the same time as his own. He handed it back to her but paused when he saw her wrist. The watch had been hiding some dark bruises that wrapped the entire way along her little wrist.

'Alison, what did you do to your…' Nick was interrupted when Greg called out to him from a nearby lab.

'Nick. Hodges has those results, come see.' Greg sounded excited and Nick hoped that it was because they had finally caught a break in the case. It seemed like they'd been going in circles for the entire shift.

Nick looked back down at Alison's wrist as she struggled with the clasp on her watch. He frowned at the small hiss that escaped her mouth as she pulled the strap tight.

'Alison, where did you…' Alison looked up and deep into his eyes. Nick could have sworn they almost pierced him.

'Nick, come on man.' Greg waved him over towards the lab. Nick looked at him and back down at the little girl.

'Yeah, alright.' Nick smiled at his friend.

'I've got to go Alison.' She looked disappointed and Nick felt a pang of guilt, she always seemed lonely when he talked to her. Nick walked away towards Greg who was waiting in the doorway with Hodges behind him.

'See you soon Stokes.' Nick turned and saw the little girl walk away with her head bowed. He frowned but turned back towards Greg's direction.

'Nick?'

Don't blame yourself.

Nick looked back towards the floor but jumped from his seat instead as he was startled to see Russell crouching in front of him.

'Nick. You there?' Russell looked worried. Nick pulled back from him. When had Russell come in?

'What?' Nick looked at Russell like he had two heads but the man just looked concerned. The lines around Russell's eyes had increased and he looked tired. Nick remembered the last time he had seen him that day, it was lunch and he had interrupted Greg's argument about who should have gotten the extra lab space.

'Why are you sitting alone in here?' Nick's head shot up. He hadn't even looked around to see where his legs had brought him. He didn't know where he had expected to be but he found he was sitting on the bench in the locker room beside Russell's open locker. Nick tried to think about how he had ended up there but his thoughts were scattered and the only things that seemed clear where the events in the alley.

'Nick, are you hurt?' His voice was slow, as if he was trying to coax information from a toddler. Russell seemed genuinely concerned and when Nick glanced at his white hair Grissom's image appeared in front of him.

'Nicky. What happened?' Eyes pierced through him.

'Nick, are you hurt?' Russell's voice was firmer and he had moved to sit down beside Nick. His eyes roamed Nick's body looking for a wound that he knew probably wouldn't be there.

'No.' Nick didn't understand why he was asking him. He was sitting on a bench in the locker room, why would he be hurt?

'Why didn't you answer your cell?' Russell was talking to Nick like he was thinking aloud about the answer to the crossword.

Nick could hear blood rushing in his ears and it was drowning out anything Russell was saying. Everything felt slower, as if time was melting away for him but no one else.

'Is that her blood Nick?' Russell's voice softened and Nick could hardly hear it. Something clicked inside his head and all the shutters went down. Nick's bottom lip started to tremble and he suddenly felt too cold.

'Brass called me. He told me what happened, said he couldn't get through to you on your cell. Is that her blood?' Russell reached a hand out but it hovered in mid-air. It was as if he was afraid of Nick, of what might happen if he touched him.

'Her blood?' Nick looked at the red mark on his boot and wondered how Russell had spotted it. Was he examining him like a crime scene too?

'Your covered in it Nick.' His voice sounded harsh, like a scream inside a coffin. Nick looked down towards his jeans to try and understand what he had meant.

It was there, everywhere. Blood covered his tan coloured jeans, it trailed around from just above his ankles to his thighs and soaked into the end of his blue shirt while the left side of his chest was soaking. Nick sat straighter to look at himself, his hands were red while blood had crusted underneath his nails. He looked at his watch but couldn't see past the blood soaking the clock face. The air rushed from his lungs and he could feel nothing but panic.

'Wha…' Nick started scrubbing viciously at his jeans as tears spilled over. His heart rate increased and he started to feel dizzy.

'Nick stop.' Russell was grabbing his arms but everything was red; it was as if the crimson was climbing up Nick's body getting ready to pull him under.

'NICK.' Russell grabbed his wrists and as Nick tried to pull himself free he whispered reassurances.

'It's ok. It's ok. It's ok. It's ok….' Russell's words came slow and steady and his voice was low but Nick's breathing continued to come sharp and loudly.

'Nick, stop.' Nick felt his energy give out and he stopped trying to pull his hands away but they continued to shake.

'I'm sorry.' Tears continued to spill but Nick tried to stop them coming, a voice somewhere in the back of his mind told him not to cry in front of Russell, not to let him in.

'It's not your fault Nick.' Russell kept a tight hold of Nick's hands.

'I should have… She told me, I should have…' Nick's face fell and tears started to come again.

'When did she tell you her father was going to kill her?' Russell looked confused and the words came out in uneven beats.

'What?' Nick's tears slowed, it was like a cup of coffee after a night of drinking.

'You said that she told you. When did she tell you her father was going to kill her?' Russell's voice was animated, he sounded as if he couldn't understand what Nick was saying, like he was trying to solve a riddle.

Nick looked at him confused and Russell let go of his hands.

'He didn't Nick. Which means this is not your fault.' Russell smiled sadly at him.

'No, she kept telling me things. Her dad took her stuffed toy. She's only four years old, how bad can a fucking elephant be? And he sounded so rough and cold when he called her and there were bruises on her wrist, Russell. She was only a baby.' Nick's voice sounded desperate and drenched in devastation. Every word was a plea.

'This was not a child-abuse case. Her father was being questioned in relation to a robbery, there was no need for anyone to question his parenting techniques.' His voice was firm and Russell bowed his head in despair.

Russell watched Nick closely. He didn't know the younger CSI long but he had already noticed things about him. The first thing he noticed was his Texan accent and the second was his suspicion. He was warm, sociable and a natural CSI and Russell liked that about him but sometimes Russell would catch him staring at a piece of evidence and his eyes would turn dark and cold. It was like the wreckage of the crime was slowly seeping into him, bit by bit, taking its place on his shoulders.

It didn't come as a surprise to Russell. After glancing through Catherine's file, Nick's was the first he read from front to back. He knew that something was familiar about the name Stokes, and when he got a quarter ways through the file he realised what it was. Pictures of a Plexiglas coffin, ants, cassette tapes and tattered blood-covered money filled the pages. He read about staged intestines and a live feed, torturous hours trapped beneath dirt and a crazed father who had nothing left.

He remembered hearing about it on the news, and in work. A bright, young and handsome CSI had been buried alive before being eaten by hundreds of fire ants and then shot out into the night sky. It wasn't something that happened every day. He went home and mentioned it to his wife over dinner, she gasped, said a prayer for the 'poor boy' and his family and nothing more was mentioned of it. It was a long time ago and Russell had never thought anymore about it, but now as he sat beside the man it had happened to, something in him changed. He felt protective, he suddenly felt like their leader and not just professionally. He had been sent here to help clean up the team, put them back on track, but something more was needed. Russell frowned, the man beside him was 40 years old with Judge Stokes for a father, he hardly needed a guardian.

'Have you ever read the book, 'Notes from Underground'?' Russell's voice was lighter and he watched intently to see Nick's reaction. All he saw was the ghost of a memory in his eyes; he had long ago built a wall around that particular chapter.

'No.' It was short and quiet but Russell heard the change in Nick's voice. He was opening slightly.

'It's by Dostoyevsky. I read it back in my late twenties, you should try it.' Russell stayed motionless and Nick stilled slightly. His hands still shook and his face was still wet but something had changed.

'It's narrative, a man…' He continued.

'Why are you talking about a book?' Russell could hear contempt in every word that left Nick's mouth.

'Well, It's about…' Nick looked at Russell in disbelief as he continued on like they were just sitting together having lunch. He was animated as he talked but it had at least gotten Nick to look at him.

'… a guy who becomes disillusioned with everything around him, society, culture, even man himself. Everything has just gone to pot.' Russell laughed softly but watched Nick closely, he waited for any signal that the younger man was closing him off.

'… He knows that there's beauty out there but he still can't bring himself to accept it, to accept the good, because he thinks his existence doesn't measure up. He doesn't deserve to live through the good parts.'

Nick had grown quiet, the only movement was his left thumb rubbing away a patch of crimson on his right hand. His brown eyes watched the floor again.

'Nick. This is not your fault.' Russell spoke clearly and firmly and had turned to look Nick directly in the eye.

'No matter how much you try, you can't save everyone. You can help some people in life but you can't change what's meant to happen. It just doesn't work like that Nick.'

'She was only a little kid. Old people are saved from burning buildings every day and a little girl can't experience a childhood?' Nick words shook as Russell strained to hear him.

'No one knows why anything happens Nick. Who knows? Maybe something terrible, worse than tonight, was going to happen to her in a few years, but because of tonight she was saved from it.' Russell looked up at the lockers and contemplated his words.

Nick looked sideways towards Russell and thought about Alison. Something in the back of his mind started to cling to the thought that maybe Russell was right. Nick felt like a dam had been opened and every fibre of his being was starting to wash away. His knee stopped bobbing up and down as the anger cooled, his hands still shook but the tension in his back eased.

You can help some people in life but you can't change what's meant to happen.

Nick thought about it. Life is never easy, you can have some happy months here and there but they're always interrupted. The safety blanket of childhood is pulled away and a grandparent dies, you fail and you stop talking to a best friend. You see disappointment in a parent's eyes while someone close betrays you. Some lunatic wants your life and a father puts you through hell in his last twisted battle. The good times slip away as you stop looking forward to change, you bury your best friend but stop seeing the people you depend on every day. You miss the good old times while a teenager dies for no reason and you start to question everything. You survive a shooting so no one wants you at the funeral, you lose another friend in a game of cat and mouse and you finally shut yourself off from anymore attachment.

A single tear slipped down Nick's cheek.

'I held her while it happened.' His breath rushed out in one gasp and the dam erupted.

'I'm sorry.' Russell's eyes looked dark and Nick could hear the empathy in his speech.

'She just…' Nick's voice cracked and he tried to get the words out but they just wouldn't come. His eyes stayed on his jean and the sight made him feel like the blood was burning through his skin.

'I know.' They sat in silence for what felt like forever and Nick wondered why no one had come into the locker room all this time. It felt strange having this conversation with Russell. It used to be Warrick or Catherine and then it became Ray but now Nick didn't really know who would be there when it got too much for him. Catherine seemed more distant recently, like her head was always wanting to be somewhere else, and Sara was married now which meant she already had someone who needed to lean on her sometimes. Nick thought about Greg, but he still saw him as the fresh young lab tech whose innocence he didn't want to smash. That left Brass or Doc Robbins but for some reason he never opened up around them and he hadn't cried in front of Brass since Nigel Crane and that was a long time ago.

'Nick, you still in there?' Russell was softly smiling down at him. Nick looked him up and down and tried to remember when Russell had left the spot beside him on the bench.

'Yeah.' His accent was thick as the words were forced out, his throat felt a little raw from holding back the tears. And from failing miserably.

'Your clothes, their evidence. I can bring them, okay?' Russell extended an arm towards Nick, as if he was waiting to pull Nick off the bench, not knowing that Nick's leg felt like jelly.

'I didn't… It's her blood Russell it's not… like we need to check.' Russell listened to the words come and noticed how mechanic and forced they sounded.

'You saw her father leaving but you didn't see him…'

'Kill her?' Nick felt his face flush as the tears threatened to return. He silently wondered why the tears kept coming if every other part of his body felt numb.

'If he's going to pay for this then we need to make sure every shred of evidence leads back to him.' Russell's voice was laced with a tinge of anger.

Nick looked down at his clothes and felt so dirty and unclean that he cringed. He saw shifting to his left and Russell disappeared behind the row of lockers moments before Nick heard a shower come on. Russell appeared in front of him again with a bottle in his hand.

'When I was a level 3 CSI I worked a murder case of two parents, the killer came back and shot a police officer right beside me. The blood only got on my hands and left arm but it felt horrible and I needed to scrub every inch of it off.' Russell smiled softly at Nick and put the bottle down on the bench beside him.

'It's shower gel with some mix of spearmint and henna and some other crap. Works a treat.' Russell turned towards his locker and shut the door. He turned and sat beside Nick.

'Leave your clothes hanging on the door and call me when you're in the shower, I'll bring them to trace.' Russell intertwined his fingers together and watched the row of lockers in front of him, looking like he was waiting in the doctor's office for someone to come out with bad news.

Nick turned his head towards the path to the showers and picked up the shower gel, he stood up expecting his legs to give out any moment but they stayed strong. He took a step forward and heard Russell turn in his seat.

'There's a towel handing on the rail beside the shower. We wouldn't want Hodges to come in and get flustered. Not when we need his brilliance in top form.' Russell watched and Nick's smile was quiet and sad but it was there.

'Yeah. Thanks Russell.' Nick looked deep into his eyes and saw the silent acknowledgement.

Nick stepped out of his shoes and into the shower cubicle, put his watch and ring on the shelf and took off his clothes, careful not to rip them off which was what he wanted to do. He put them across the top of the door, stepped under the water and called Russell. He stood still while the hot water ran down his body and waited until her heard the clothes being pulled from the door. He waited a few seconds to make sure Russell was gone.

Nick put his hands on the wall as his shoulders began to shake. He bowed his head and salty tears began to mingle with the hot water as his face flushed and his breath shuddered as it left his lips. Tears streamed quicker and quicker down his face as he rested his forehead against the wall. He saw Alison running along with her elephant and then blood pooling on the ground. Blue and red flashed across the wall and Brass ran towards him with his gun by his side. He felt her hair tickle his arm as he held her and heard her breathing shudder onto his shoulder.

'Nicky… Don't blame yourself.'

Nick's tears turned to silent sobs and every happy emotion he ever had drained away.

See you soon Stokes.

I know, it wasn't a happy one at all (sorry) but I wanted to get it out and maybe, just maybe I'll do a happy one for Christmas this year (I'm super excited for Christmas, yay)…

I'm not sure how DB Russell turned out, he's still a new character so I wasn't really sure how to write him at all and I don't know whether he turned out okay or not.. I tried though, and hopefully I didn't write him completely opposite to how he is on the show. What do you think?

Thank you very much for reading and I would love you even more if you told me some of your thoughts… Thanks again.