A/N: So Rurouni Kenshin. Read the manga first some ten years ago, loved it to pieces, but am getting into the fandom only now. Go figure. Anyway, to start things off I thought some KK romance would be appropriate, seeing as they have been my OTP back when I didn't even know the term existed.
So I hope you enjoy this little piece and don't worry, no bunnies were harmed in the making of this fluff.
(And just in case, because it's been a while since I wrote anything and there's a high chance I've gotten rusty: English isn't my first language.)
-Of landmarks and first kisses-
When Kaoru was twelve her father had a student who was more than a bit of a rascal. Loudmouthed, arrogant and choosing to disregard any manners he might have been taught the boy was a far cry from what her father considered a deserving student of kendo. He constantly showed up late for lessons, liked to make fun of everyone and was overall rather insufferable.
His parents, though, were good people, a little weepy, but friendly and polite and of good standing with the townsfolk. They had approached her father over their impossible offspring and had humbly asked him to take the boy in in order to help building his character, and motivated more by the parents' plea than the child's blatant lack of respect her father had accepted.
And then something unexpected happened: over the course of a few more or less successful lessons the boy decided he liked Kaoru, in the way only a little boy could like a little girl, and showed it by demanding to be her sparring partner at any given time, or threatening to beat up anyone who so much as looked at her the wrong way.
Both father and daughter thought it amusing, initially, but soon became annoyed for two very different reasons. To her father it was just another proof that he would have never taken the boy in if it hadn't been for his parents. To Kaoru it was embarrassing and not a little irritating to be constantly patronized when she had already proven she could stand her ground within this purely male society her father had chosen to raise her in.
But the more she snapped at and bickered with the boy the more vindicated he seemed to feel. Whenever he thought the two of them unperturbed he would ask her for a kiss, or for her hand in marriage, and cheeks flaming Kaoru would use her bokken in a move her father had never taught her and hit the boy over his stubborn head.
Her young mind felt affronted by his forwardness and she was immensely displeased to be pursued by someone like him.
But the boy was a rather spirited person, and in spite of herself Kaoru found herself fascinated by his jokes and stories, by the way he was so flippant about being the bane of everyone's existence, by how he would do the most ridiculous things to cheer her up on a bad day. She knew she could never be like him, nor did she really want to, but in due time she started thinking of him as something of a friend.
And one summer's day, when lessons were over and he convinced her to come roaming through the fields and into the forests with him, she let him kiss her. It didn't take as much convincing as she would later wish it had – but the way his dry lips pressed against her inexperienced ones had been an unexpectedly unpleasant feeling, and the reflex to shove him away could not be halted. Her heart hammered its very prominent distress against her ribcage.
Memories , however, have a way of distorting themselves with time's passing, letting past events become something of value although they seemed anything but at their point in time.
So with a wistfulness beyond her years Kaoru remembers her very first kiss, remembers how indignant she felt and finds some measure of amusement in the discomfort of her younger self. Thinking back on it now it almost feels ironic; a suitor had come when she had been too young and unwilling, and although the outcome of their little non-romance could have never included marriage – her father would have seen to that had he known – and although she had not been interested in that sort of attention yet, it appears the memory of the kiss and the boy who had bestowed it upon her became a sort of landmark from which she had been unable to move in any direction over the years.
Because now that she is ready and willing it seems her new suitor is not so much of one.
But finding problems where there need not be any, fretting over nothings and working herself up into a state – Kaoru is getting exceptionally good at these things. Always having been easy to worry, before there had at least always been good reason to – a mother of delicate health, a father who had never quite gotten over his wife's death, and then, of course, the new family she picked up for herself, and the lunatics who kept threatening them and, by extension, herself .
After Enishi and his earthly justice a shaky peace had settled in, with Kaoru half-expecting a new catastrophe to descend upon them at any given moment. When a new archenemy failed to appear, Kaoru gradually relaxed and turned her attention onto other problems – realizing that there still were aplenty, most prominent her financial ones.
But she knows how to take care of those, at least. Much harder are the ones closer to her heart.
She has never considered herself naive, but still the knowledge that with all relationships comes a sort of physicality has her stagger slightly, once again. Experience has shown that a simple touch can tell volumes about how close two people are. It is a concept fairly easy to understand, but hard to implement. She has always been very conscious of whom she touches and how, mostly because personal space is a very fundamental thing within the culture she has been raised in, and her being a solitary girl within a group of boys only served to strengthen that point of view. In hindsight she is certain that this, more than her age, played into her feeling so unenthusiastic about being kissed by one of her fellow students.
In stark contrast it has been a wondrous thing, having Kenshin offering his hand to her when they had visited Tomoe-san's grave in Kyoto. She has touched him before, naturally, but this simple gesture spoke of an intimacy she knows she craves, but is actually scared of receiving.
Seemingly aware of her reluctance Kenshin hadn't forced any change into their relationship even as they returned home.
In turns, Kaoru is grateful for and annoyed by it.
She knows Kenshin well enough by now to know he won't push anything if she doesn't put her foot down and makes it abundantly clear that it is very much what she wants. Asking Kenshin to return when he fought Jin-e, following him to Kyoto, outright stating her desire for him to stay with her – it all seemed very natural then, but now only reinforces her suspicion of him being either entirely uncertain of her motives or heavily opposed to them.
She is not self-conscious enough to presume the latter – he could walk out on her at any given moment if he finds he cannot handle her prolonged presence in his life and he isn't the sort of person to take advantage of her affections so he can stay in home and food a little longer.
But this open lack of physicality feeds into her budding doubts, makes her suspect that, after all, they are not on the same page concerning the unspoken status of their relationship.
What it boils down to, she is afraid, is for her to have to step up again and confront the issue.
Especially now that she cannot even pretend to deny her body's natural curiosity any longer.
Of course she isn't entirely unaware of human sexuality, she somewhat knows of its basic workings - but up until a few weeks ago it has never robbed her of any sleep, has never even taken up much space inside her head since she always had something more urgent to occupy her mind.
Now that she does not she starts wondering, starts imagining things and it is making her restless. There has been a very awkward morning during which, unconsciously and very absentmindedly, Kaoru was fixated on Kenshin's hands, the length of his fingers and the shape of his knuckles – her mind took the visual clues and ran away with them before she could force discipline upon herself.
Kenshin took her beet-red blush as a first sign of sickness and worried appropriately. Her claims to the contrary registered but he remained suspicious for the rest of the day.
Another time has proven the bathhouse drowsing enough for Kaoru to let her mind run wild, her hands reenacting the images in what ultimately turned out to be a rather pleasant experience, even if she had to wrestle with some self-deprecating thoughts afterwards.
But overall, this new awareness frustrates her, immensely so. Having someone to talk about it may be helpful, but Kaoru cannot see herself admitting this sort of thing to any of her friends. Not even in jest.
There is a remedy, of course, and she is very aware of that. Kaoru also knows the point where she'd snap and do something ridiculously stupid isn't too far off into the future – she just wishes she'd be a little more knowledgeable in this field before she decides to enter the battle.
She is uncertain where to draw any relevant knowledge from.
This uncertainty, in turn, does nothing whatsoever to keep Kaoru from slithering towards a fouler mood day by day.
The people around her notice of course, and only half of them know to keep their mouths shut. With both Megumi and Sanosuke off to their individual destinations she at the very least is spared from being given grief by them. But Yahiko and even Tae pick up on her behavior rather quickly, and even if they don't know where it stems from they are bemused enough to fire questions at her that range from politely interested (Tae) to flat-out insulting (Yahiko).
Her patience does finally snap after having to dodge another of Tae's well-meant grillings, and Kaoru decides that she is blowing this problem out of proportion and that if she doesn't want to finally do something about it she might as well get her act together again.
She contemplates ways to broach the subject to Kenshin on her way home from the Akabeko and determines she is just as clueless as she has been weeks before. That she hasn't moved an inch from the landmark she has been stuck on for years.
Finding Kenshin doing the laundry upon her return is something she has come to expect over time, but her sudden inability to handle his presence is very new to her in its entirety.
About to make a dash for the house with barely a greeting thrown at him, she reminds herself that acting childish and stupid won't help anything. She has never been the sort of person to run away from her problems, and even though she does have difficulty overcoming her inner brat more often than not she values the notion of facing one's fears for personal betterment.
So with halting steps and nervous hands clutched behind her back she forces herself to approach him.
"Welcome back", he says pleasantly as always, offering a smile.
She nods, mumbles a 'I'm home' for propriety's sake and stops a few steps to his left. Aware that there is a reason for her coming to him Kenshin keeps his attention on her, but otherwise remains crouched and silent as before.
Her shoulders slump on a sigh of resignation and she frees her hands of their white-knuckled grip on each other.
"Can I ask you something?", she says and absently wonders whether Kenshin still has some secrets left he could be afraid she would inquire after.
His open expression does not portray anything but acceptance. "Of course", he replies.
There is no definite question she actually wants to ask, and she feels herself shying away from her initial purpose almost violently. Crouching down next to him because it is uncomfortable having to look down at him she clasps her hands in her lap and focuses on them while she tries to organize her thoughts.
If Kenshin feels her unease he does nothing to show it.
"We both know I'm not the most subtle person", she says finally, trying for honesty, "I'm not good at catching hints and I know I tend to be rather brash about things that actually need some sort of delicate handling."
She looks up at him then to check if he knows where she is going with this. Unfortunately, she is too nervous to determine whether the confused look on his face is an honest one or just another of his very elaborate masks. Which brings her to her point.
"So I know I'm an awfully direct person", she continues and has to steal herself for the next part, "And I realize that you are … not."
She holds her breath for an instant, knowing that this is the first time she ever admitted to him of knowing of his tendency to hide behind phrases or uncharacteristic clumsiness, most of the time to either protect her or to shield himself.
The obvious shift in his muscles, and the way the smile has vanished from his face tells Kaoru that he isn't going to deny what she said, and that he is aware what measure of importance she accords to this. It also makes her very apprehensive.
"What I am trying to say", she explains, feeling exhausted already, "is that I … You … You tend to say very vague things, and I'm trying my hardest to figure out what you mean, to actually get what you are telling me. But half of the time I can't. And it drives me crazy because I'm afraid I'm misinterpreting things."
She stops again to draw breath, feels her posture slump as if it would keep her stomach from knotting. Kenshin's silence isn't helping.
"The point is, and I know I'm being really awkward about this, the point is that I need you to tell me –"
Her voice cracks and dies away the moment Kenshin's hand moves to cover hers. She drops her gaze to her lap and feels her heart thud against her ribcage rather unpleasantly. The chances of her being able to get another word out like this are rather slim.
Almost feeling desperate she looks up at him again, her throat tightening further with anxiety.
"I am sorry for confusing you", he says calmly, getting up and, by their joined hands, pulling her up with him.
Her knees knock together as she stands in front of him and she thinks it unfair that her nerves are always working against her. But she remains quiet and forces patience upon herself, now that there is an actual chance something good will come of this.
Her cheeks warm as Kenshin moves his hands to cup her jaw and cautiously, like she is a frightened bird, he kisses her forehead.
"You have to know I am very grateful you have found me, Kaoru-dono", he says and her eyes flutter shut as she tries to focus on listening. Images of the night they first met flit through her mind, how she challenged him and how he saved her from a very uncertain future despite having barely known her. She is thankful as well.
He kisses her cheek and she turns her face into the gesture.
"I am very grateful for every day you let me remain in your presence", he continues and she opens her eyes because she needs to see the way he is looking at her as he says this.
It makes her regret having had doubts at all, because even as she searches his face it is very apparent that it was her own uncertainty which kept them from moving forward.
The knowledge pushes her into action easily.
The second kiss of her life is not what she expected it be.
There is no revelation, no explosion of passion or manifestation of her deepest feelings the poets promised. But then it isn't the fumbling of two prepubescent children either.
Instead it is a very gentle gesture, led by him, a small intimate meeting with the promise of more.
Finally she has found another landmark.
One that will definitely guide her in the right direction.