Where are you today? Where were you yesterday? I keep watching the door without turning my head, letting my pupils drift to the side and biting my tongue until the maybes and what ifs become nos.
Dream ons.
But I swallow resent and fury and a sick acidic twinge of pain in the smallest of pits in my stomach. I don't need you. I certainly don't want you (except that I do so badly that I sometimes take on your form and look at our reflection).
Where were you last week? Where were you last month? It's just like before, you all come and go like I'm pulling petals off a flower, he loves me he fucking left for good. Not you, not for so long, every time I glanced I wasn't disappointed, you were always hovering close enough to swat at. You really liked me, more than your grandfather or father, you spoiled me with friendship (and maybe love because I've seen a lot of 'just friends' and that definition is a bit too tight on us).
Where are you? I'm right here where you always used to be. I'm right here where you used to treat me as human and I used to treat you as human. And that's why you're right there, wherever 'there' is, because that's your freedom, you are human.
But you knew, know, I couldn't, can't, come too, you're just spiting me and I'm so pissed off that I couldn't articulate it.
If you were here.
But you're not, so it doesn't matter. I can wait forever even if nothing ever shows up. You told me once, the first time you went to one of those stupid HQ meetings, that I shouldn't wait up for you, that I shouldn't even think about you while you were away (as if I have control over what crosses my mind, you baka). But I could do it then, so why not now? Why is it so hard not to want you now that you don't belong to me? Where did all this doubt, all these questions come from, was it me, was it you, is it over or are we lying to each other?
Bak?
I keep watching the door, turned just enough to watch. You keep not showing up.
Where am I?