I once asked myself, "Why bother trying? Why go through all of this shit if people don't even know what you do for them?" Of course, I always received the same answer: "For Sammy. I do this for Sammy."
Only half of that was true, I realised as I closed and locked the bathroom door. Ninety percent of everything I did was for me, at least the parts that involved Sam. I was pathetic, depressed, ridiculously co-dependent on my baby brother for reasons even I don't understand. Without him, what was I?
A drunken psychopath, that's what, who kills monsters and sometimes people, and not even for a living. I ache without him; hell, I was aching now with him gone getting food and I stripping off my clothes. I stared at myself in the mirror and for a moment, I couldn't recognise the person staring back in the mirror. With Sam not here, I was free to let my true feelings show, and dammit, it was awful. God, if he saw me now...
I didn't dare think on that further. Instead, I turned the tap in the shower and began to fill the tub with cold water.
"This is selfish," a voice in my head told me, "what will happen to Sammy when he finds you like this? You'll kill him, as surely as if you'd pulled the trigger."
"Shut up," I whispered under my breath as I climbed into the slowly filling tub. It was clean, thankfully; not a lot of motel bathrooms were. The irony, I suppose, in this is that I had lived all my life in motels, and now I was going to die in one.
"You'll go to hell for this." Another voice told me.
That one made me stop, but only for a moment. I sat and waited for the tub to fill completely, with the icy water biting my skin.
"Dean? I'm back!"
'Damn,' I thought; Sammy's back.
"I'm in the bathroom!" I called to him. Looks like this'll have to do. 'I love you, Sammy. This is for your own good.'
"Dean? Are you OK in there?" Knock knock knock on the bathroom door. I smiled a little; he cares so much.
"I'm fine! Out in a bit!" Not.
Closing my eyes, I turned off the tap with my foot. I let tears slip down my cheeks, and then washed them away as I slid my head beneath the water.
With my heart pounding in my chest, I began to inhale.