Disclaimer - Yeah I don't own but you knew that...
A/N - Sooo... I happened to like Breaking Dawn... however... oh you'll see. This is placed pretty much right after Renesmee is born and in Jake's POV.
Summary - Jake's thinking about some things and he's trying to remember what it felt like.
"Nessie chill out!" I chuckle, bouncing her up and down. She's only a few hours old but boy is she a happy, beautiful thing.
"Hmph," Blondie's in the corner pouting. Her arms are crossed but she's ever ready to pounce on me if I try something. Which I won't. The very thought of anything happening to Renesmee clutches at my stomach and makes me physically sick. At first Blondie was about to kill me, I was not in the prettiest of positions and I looked like I was about to murder the baby. But then something happened that made her believe me I guess. Hey, even she couldn't deny our immediate connection.
"Isn't that right?" I ask Nessie who just looks up at me with the most curious and confused gaze I've ever had the pleasure to see in my short life.
Her eyes are the chocolate brown of her mother's. Someone says in my head.
I stop my bouncing of the baby girl on my knee and frown. "What was that?" I ask myself and I swear Renesmee shrugs. I grin stupidly at her and she bites my arm. It doesn't even hurt which... surprises me because I always secretly feared the bite of a vampire. But Nessie's not really a vampire. She's only sort of one.
Yeah and she wouldn't be here were it not for her human mother. "Okay, now I know it's not my imagination." With everything in me I don't want to let this precious creature down but I have got to clear my head. "Hey Blondie," I say to her across the room.
"What?" She bites out. "Is she hungry?" She sounds smug for some strange reason but it doesn't even faze me. Nessie will learn to love Doritos just as much as Paul does if it kills me. "Because if she is I'll just get her some bloo-"
"Nah, that's not it Rose." I turn, grinning. "I need to step out for a sec. Take care of Nessie for me, will ya?" She scoffs but holds her arms out for Renesmee with guarded eagerness.
"Hello darling," She coos and I feign fascination at the obvious glisten in her eyes. She loves the kid almost as much as her mother will.
"Now tell me, how do you get a blonde's eyes to twinkle?" Rosalie tilts her head in my direction but doesn't stop looking at the infant in her arms.
"How?" She asks softly and I almost don't finish the joke. And then she says, "Come on, you're stinking up my home and I want to smell Nessie the way she's supposed to smell before all I can smell is you." She looks up on the word 'you' with extra hate in her eyes and I inwardly shrug. I figure Nessie won't hate me for it so why not.
I bite my bottom lip as if to stop myself from laughing and say, "Well, you shine a torch in her ears Rose." I let it settle and then say again, "You shine a torch in her ears." And now the laughter is an unstoppable thing so I just let it go. Rosalie always looks like she's about to murder me but this time it's with a little more venom so I hold up my hands and head for the door. "I'll leave you two to your strange little moment. But I'll be back soon! Love you Nessie. Later Blondie." I practically dance out of the door.
When I'm outside my body does this strange, sickening bolt and I'm running. My breathing is heavier than it should be and I know it's not because I'm running too hard. "What is wrong with me?" I can hear myself ask. I want to change. I want to be the wolf I'm meant to be so that I can grieve for her. "See, what was that?" I'm thinking these thoughts that I can't understand; that I've clearly forgotten. I feel a shudder ripple through my body and I change, ripping my too small clothes in the process. A stranger's strangled howl rips out of my mouth and into the forest air.
She's gone... but she's not really gone. I heard her... her heart. Let me go back to before I saw precious Renesmee. Please. Just a minute before! I want to feel that love I felt before this thing happened. I'm gone! My very identity has been stripped away from me. I've imprinted on her daughter. I've imprinted on the love of my life's daughter... The very thing I wanted to happen to me has happened and I'm happy, I am more than I have ever been... but I can't remember the taste of her tongue on mine-
You okay? Seth. I can feel Seth's sadness which is not his own. I'm feeling my ache which is not my own.
Sure, sure... I grumble, angry. Who's that other guy that sounds like me? I ask him stupidly and I feel Seth trip over himself a little. He's, if you will, scanning my thoughts and if that's not the one thing I dislike most in the world beside's Edward I don't know what is. Actually, I don't even hate Edward anymore.
Jake, this is perfect! And then he side-thinks. Though I don't know how Edward's gonna react... Anyways, sooo, awesome! You've imprinted on Bella's baby! How in the world are you away from her right now? She was just born... I can feel him wince at the cloudy memory of my murderous intent. Then he 'hears' a fluttering heartbeat indicating that Bella was still alive. Thank goodness. I wanted him out, I was too confused. So, are you free? He had clearly seen or felt my want to imprint earlier.
Yes. No. I think at the very same time. My 'no' is so faint that Seth doesn't hear it and he can't understand why I'm so troubled.
Listen, if it's alright with you I wanna go see how everything's going...
Oh, sure go right ahead! I think back happily. I want someone I truly trust to be with her right now and Blondie only hunted a little. She's so perfect.
Yeah, she seems it from the 'pictures.' He chuckles and in his vision I see the Cullen's house appear. See you seen Jake!
I run to the beach and take a seat on a log, crushing it accidentally and I realize I'm naked. So, I morph and run.
Jake... The sympathy in Leah's voice is like a wave rushing over me. I'm so sorry. It's like she's not even there. A blinding pain at the back of my head makes me slow to a jog. And then she really isn't there and I'm alone. I'm not sure if Leah knows what's happened but either way she'll secretly be hurt. Now she has no one who understood her the way I did.
"Love you, Jake." Bella's voice rings in my ears. Over and over again that sentence is playing in my head but I don't feel anything. Not a damn thing for her. Sure I love her but it's not that kind of love. It's the kind where you consider that person a sister or something. Ew, That soft voice mutters and I feel a small pang of guilt. I sit down against a tree, no longer in my wolf form and sigh. The bark of the tree against my bare back is nice and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I'm fine. More than I ever have been. I truly have something and someone to live for now. Renesmee will care for me, too. It won't be a one-sided thing. I haven't noticed that I'm smiling so hard that my cheeks hurt and when I do I laugh. But the laugh comes out as a sob and I bend over as if I'm dying. I've never considered myself a crier but these tears are embarrassing me. What are they doing coming out of my eyes like that?
"Ow," I cough, choking. "It hurts..." I'm scared. This isn't what's supposed to happen once you imprint. Your BODY isn't supposed to reject what's happening to you but that seems to be what's happening to me. It's strange because with the pain there is no love. It's just a bare emptiness and almost everything in me wants that not to be so. I want to be in love with Bella again if only for a moment to remember what she was like. To really remember that blush of hers whenever she was embarrassed and what it did to me; what it made me feel. "Bella..." I moan and my heart skips a beat but I do not feel anything.
When I finally believe that the tears have ceased I sit back against the tree and calm down. I chuckle at the craziness of the situation. "Renesmee," The old me would have thought the affection in my voice sickening but now I have to say her name again. "Sweet little Renesmee." She truly is the only thing that holds me to the earth now. Were it not for her I'd be flying.
I head back to the Cullen's but halfway there I, once again, realize I am naked. So, I head back, back and find my way to Sam's. I tell him what's happened. He gets it but says there needs to be more discussion and that I should meet with him and his pack a little later that night at the cliffs. I agree and he gives me some clothes. His smile is so much older than him and it's strange to feel like I get him now.
"Thanks," I say with a grin and then I'm off. That same gnawing is going on in my body though and I can't help but wonder what that used to feel like. I can't help but wonder what being addicted to Bella meant to me. I, in all senses of the word, forget it and her. I've been reborn and a smaller than small piece of me doesn't like it. I shrug but the stupid grin is still plastered on to my face and I'm happy to have some clothes that finally fit me. "I'll see her," I say with finality and I know that I still care for her just not in any way besides brotherly love. Ugh!
I arrive at the front door and feel the tug of Renesmee on my heart and soul. I can hear Seth joking with Blon.. Rose about her and the vamp is actually laughing. Renesmee's breathing reaches my ear and I'm hers. I practically break the door on my way in and Seth stands up from his sitting position and hands me the baby. I smile and nod at him, declining his offer.
"I want to see Bella." Rosalie raises her left brow at me and motions for Seth to give her Nessie. Seth looks at me as if he's asking for permission and I shrug. "Go ahead. She's not my kid." I know Seth is staring at me in disbelief. He's probably re-thinking my imprinting on Renesmee in the first place but I know better. It's kind of killing me to leave her without giving her a quick hug first, kind of.
On my way up the stairs I am preparing myself for something ugly and scary. I have no idea what to expect but that won't stop me. The moment I reach the room where Bella is I see Edward holding her hand. He looks like he's praying or something and I laugh. The quiet noise makes Edward's head jerk up in my direction and I know he's reading my thoughts now. At first he was in his own world; now he's focused on me. I try to work the old images I had buried for these occasions up but they aren't coming easily: Bella kissing me that day when the newborns were attacking; her telling me that we were soul mates; that stupid, bright, smiling face when I walked into the Cullen's and she was there sitting on their couch nice and round. That smile said I was her everything and I hated it. I loved it. Edward sees the images but knows that their in a different light now. However he also heard that stranger's voice in my head and he cocks a brow. Because I don't feel like explaining I show him Renesmee and he looks at me with murder in his eyes. Then I show him Quil with Claire and some of the anger and hate leaves him.
"Can I have a minute with her?" I ask, my voice a little high for its usual tone and he snarls.
"Over my dead body," I snicker.
"You've got that sentence a little mixed up," I say quietly because he's confused and then he sits up.
"You really don't love her anymore..." I go to protest but he gets there first. "Well, not the way I love her." He says to clarify and I shrug.
"It's what happens when you imprint on someone." The strange look of hurt on Edward's face is one I can't understand.
"What's wrong?"
"Well for one, you used to understand my love for her more than anyone." He looks up at me. "Hell, maybe you loved her as much as I do. If I were you before this, the very thought that I could just lose that, lose her, by looking into someone's eyes would kill me."
"I once thought that. But since she's yours and will be forever now, I'm ecstatic that there's someone else I need to live for; someone else I'm addicted to." We laugh together. "Can I at least pull up a chair and sit beside her on her other side.
"Why not," Edward says tiredly and I wish, for the first time, that he was given the luxury of sleep. I pull up a chair and feel my throat close.
She's okay, she's okay, she's okay! She's alive and turning into a vampire but that's okay because she's okay. I love you Bella... I look up at Edward who's looking at me and I slouch with a heavy sigh.
"Yeah... I don't know. It's like it's what I would think or feel if I hadn't imprinted... But it's empty. It's so weird. I wonder what it used to feel like to truly love her. I mean, she's beautiful but I can't picture it. I forget." The tears in my eyes are coming down quickly and Edward's frowning face caves in on itself. There's pity in his eyes and I just shake my head.
"It's okay Jacob. It's alright." His voice is sickeningly soothing and I can't help but feel that old hate coming back and I look at Bella's face again to see if anything's changed. And suddenly I feel it. Like a wave my love for Bella overcomes me and everything I've ever felt for her returns. It's so hard to face but I face it with everything in me so that I can see her the way I should; so that I can need her the way I used to. All my beautiful memories with this girl are thrown at Edward and me in a magical way and my sobbing is mingled with laughter.
"There it is." I choke, smiling an old smile I know, after this moment, I will never smile again. "Oh God, there it is!" I'm whispering now and treasuring this moment for all it's worth. "I love you Bella! I truly, deeply love you. I am IN LOVE WITH YOU! I will miss you but you won't miss me and that's fine." I'm breathing so hard that it's actually a pain. "I want you to have our children. I want us to have a life together. I want us to get married! I need us to be together. I hate Edward for taking you from me. I hate Renesmee for-" And then it stops. Like an off switch things are back to normal, or as normal as things will ever be again, and Edward can feel it too. "Renesmee…" I'm still crying, it's uncontrollable. "Oh man Edward, I'm sorry for what I said. I don't hate that angel." Edward holds his hands up and smiles though his eyes don't hold any humor.
"Jake, you need to get your emotions in check. The pain you're feeling isn't your own anymore." He's trying to comfort me but I can't feel anything anymore. The hand that I'm holding of Bella's twitches and I look over at her lips which are pink and full.
"Love you, Jake." She mouths and I almost fall over. It's back. If only for a moment, it's back.
"Honey..." I say, getting real close to her. "Oh Bells..." I'm crying now; again. It's horrible. I see a tear gliding down the side of her amazing face and sigh. "I love you too." I touch my lips to the tip of her hairline and catch her tear on my lip. The taste is salty and I know she will never cry again. "Bye." I whisper and then I leave knowing that that love will never come back to me the way it just did.
At the bottom of the stairs I stop and look over at a beautiful scene as strange as it is. Rosalie has Nessie in her lap and she's laughing hysterically over something Seth has said or Renesmee has done. For some reason laughter isn't far out of reach for Rose with Nessie and Seth in the same room. Seth is just smiling from ear to ear, chuckling softly. Nessie is giggling and it's shocking but it doesn't surprise me; she's bound to be special. What with her full mouth of teeth and all. I sigh but Rose and Seth just keep laughing. Nessie, in her own world looks over at me and cracks a grin. Her eyes sparkle and my heart soars.
"Come here you," I open my arms for her and she jumps off Rose's lap and crawls over to me. Once she's by my side she hugs my leg and I bend down to pick her up. "I love you." I whisper into her ear and she nestles herself into my neck. "Go to sleep, I've got you." Seth and Rose look at one another and they don't doubt me. They'll never have reason to doubt me again. She is my angel and her mother is the reason behind it. I will always find what I need in them. They are my family and they are my life.
A/N: So, what did you think? Please review :-)