Title: Yearning, sequel to A Taste of it
Author: Juliana
Spoilers: none if you saw the sixth season
Rating: general audience
Pairing: Bosco, Faith
A/N: This is a sequel to A Taste of it. The story is set three years after Goodbye to Camelot.
Yearning: (for sb/sth); (to do sth) a strong and emotional desire.
You might have laughed if I told you
You might have hidden the frown
You might have succeeded in changing me
I might have been turned around
It's easier to leave than to be left behind
Bosco was getting dressed in the locker room when a cop from the second shift came in. Bosco remembered his name was Vinnie but he didn't know much more about him.
Vinnie greeted him before sitting down on the bench on the other side of the room.
"Tough day?" Bosco asked when the other man sighed heavily. He usually didn't talk much with the other guys but today he just had a good day.
"Well, definitely a long one. I had to help Major Crimes settle in when they came in the morning and then that detective kept sending me to run errands for her."
"Her?" At the short word Bosco strained his ears. A Major Crimes female detective? He suddenly felt tense and unusually hot.
"Yeah, a blond woman who's bossing everybody around. One would think that's more of a job for a man." Vinnie puffed disapprovingly and caused Bosco to smile at his description of the detective. Bossing everybody around? That was so Faith.
"Do you know her name by any chance?" Bosco asked cautiously. He realized his whole body was taut expecting the other cop's answer. He had to take a deep breath to relax.
"Ehm, Yokas, I think. Though I'm not certain."
"Yeah, that'd be her," Bosco mumbled.
"What did you say?"
"Nothing, nothing. Just talking to myself."
He stood in front of his locker. His mind was racing, he didn't know what to do. Should he go see her? Would she resent him for disturbing her a work? He hadn't seen her in three years and he suddenly realized he hardly knew her anymore. Once he could predict her next word, now he didn't know how she would react to seeing him.
"Where do they have their office?" he asked again after a minute.
"Major Crimes? They're up on the second floor. The room next to the interrogation room. Why?"
"Just asking," Bosco said before he darted through the door. The urge to see her was stronger than any other sensible thought.
Running up the stairs in anticipation of seeing her, his mind was buzzing with memories. He remembered countless images from their past, his feelings, their laughing together, their fights, the events that brought them apart. Bosco thought this must be how a drowning man felt when his life unwound in front of his eyes before he drowned. And he knew for sure he was drowning. Again. Sinking like a wrecked ship.
When he reached the open door to the provisional Major Crimes office his step slowed down.
He saw Faith going through some papers, standing beside the table, and two men having a heated discussion at the other side of the room.
He raised his hand to knock but he stopped in midair prolonging the luxury of observing her without her knowing he was there. She was just as beautiful as he had remembered. And he was still just as much in love as he had been years ago. I guess some things never change, Bosco thought at the realization.
He knocked and leaned to the doorframe with his left shoulder, observing Faith's reaction closely. Would she be happy to see him or would she find it inconvenient?
She raised her head, an unspoken word on her lips when she realized whom it was she was looking at.
"Bosco!" The two men fell silent at her cry but then returned to their discussion when they saw nothing was amiss.
She flew to him and unexpectedly hugged him. He reacted slowly because her reaction took him by surprise but he squeezed her firmly once he had gotten hold of her. He was overwhelmed by the feeling of holding her close to him after all those years when he hadn't even seen her.
"Hey," he greeted her when she pulled back to look at him.
"Long time no see, huh?"
He could tell she was genuinely happy to see him and just that simple fact made him feel better than he had felt in weeks.
"How are you doing?" he asked. He couldn't stop himself from smiling goofily.
"I'm good. Real good. You?"
"I'm okay, I guess."
She made a step back and straightened her jacket. She really was beautiful. Bosco couldn't even remember how long had it been since he had last seen her in a uniform. It must've been before his brother's wake, probably just the day before. God, how time flew by and he had hardly noticed it till now.
"So you're here for the triple murder?" he asked her after a moment's silence.
"Yeah, I'm here with my team. How's your work?"
"As usual. I go kick some ass everyday, you know me."
He felt embarrassed when he was watching her obviously thriving in her new job and him still being just a beat cop. After all the effort he had put into getting into ESU and later on into ACU he was still just a beat cop and she was a hot shot detective. He really was a loser.
"Yeah, I know what you mean," she said and he snapped from his thoughts, needing a couple of seconds before he realized she was referring to his previous statement not his thoughts.
"Why didn't you call?" Faith asked.
"Well …" He didn't know what to say, he didn't want to make her feel guilty telling her that she had never called back and he didn't want to admit that he hadn't called after the first three trials because he had been too hurt.
"I did call a couple of times but your machine answered, so …"
"I remember, I think," she said slightly embarrassed remembering she hadn't had the guts to call him back but she had never forgotten his voice on the recording.
"Maybe we should grab a drink someday, I mean, now that I'm gonna be around for a while," she suggested with a hopeful smile.
"Yeah, that'd be great. We could catch up, talk some … like the old times, huh?" He saw her expression turned even softer and he became blissfully happy. She had missed him, he was sure of it by the way she looked at him. He knew for sure he had missed her terribly. But then again, he was still crazily in love with her.
"I better leave you to your work," he motioned towards her desk.
"Oh … yeah. I do have something to finish before I call it a day."
"Okay …" He just wanted to stay and watch her but he couldn't think of a reason that wouldn't make him sound as a total nut case.
"So … I'll see you, I guess," he shrugged, feeling a complete idiot for not having anything smart to say.
"Yeah, I'll see you. Thanks for dropping by. Take care." She smiled when she touched his arm.
"You too." He remained standing by the door for a few seconds as if he had no intention of leaving. Then he finally came out of his daze and left.
She couldn't move even after he was gone. She was trying to grasp everything that had just happened. She was brimming with emotions that she thought were long dead and she needed to take a deep breath before she was able to return to her work. And even after that she was too absent-minded too actually do some work.
Memory fuses and shatters out glass, but carry your future, forget the past
But it's you, it's what I feel
When he entered the diner where they were supposed to meet she was already there. He stood by the door for a couple of minutes and just observed her. He seemed to be acquiring a new habit of just standing and watching Faith when she wasn't aware that he was there.
For the past two days after first seeing Faith after three years his world had been turned upside down. The part of his life he thought he had left behind returned all over again and filled him with opposite feelings. He at the same time felt the love for her stronger than ever but he was also scared and insecure about her. He didn't know what to do or what to say to her. Their relationship was not what it used to be and because of that he was cautious not to do something wrong to spoil everything again.
She spotted him and waved at him from her booth by the window. Now he had to move.
He sat down opposite her and placed his hands on the table. He didn't know what to say so he blurted out the first thing that came to his mind.
"You look beautiful."
His admission took her by surprise and left her speechless for a moment.
"Oh … You're not bad yourself," she finally managed with a smile. The truth was he looked a lot better than the last time she had seen him. His scar was barely visible, his face didn't look so tired and old as it had after the incident with Monroe and all their fights. Faith's face turned serious as soon as the memory of their last month at the 55 flashed through her mind.
"Is something wrong?" Bosco asked concerned seeing her face turn grim so quickly.
"No, I just … I remembered everything that had happened …" she wasn't able to go on. Bosco lowered his gaze to the table. He knew how she felt. He too regretted a lot of things that had been said and done three years ago. They managed to overcome their arguments but their reestablished relationship was fragile. After they were assigned to different precincts they hardly ever spoke and they never saw each other again. Not that he didn't want to go see her but he thought she wanted to get away from him and to forget everything that was causing her pain. So he never gathered enough courage.
"I know what you mean," he said quietly.
"You think about it too?"
He waited with his answer when the waitress brought them coffee.
"Sometimes. I think about it sometimes. I think about how things could've been different if I weren't that stupid." He shrugged and then raised his eyes to hers.
"Stupid?"
"Yeah, when I asked you to shot for me. I shouldn't have done it. Everything would be different. We would've never fought then."
"Bos …" she reached for his hand. His heart fluttered when she called him with the name only she had ever used.
"We both did some stupid things. Let's just forget them, okay? If we don't stop thinking about what happened we'll never be able to move on, we'll never be okay again."
Her touch bewildered him so that he could hardly follow her words. It was unusual for Faith to be so intimate and physical; unusual but nice.
"You're right. I didn't mean to …"
"Shhh. That discussion is over."
Bossing everybody around, huh?
He nodded with a grin and covered her hand on his with his free one.
Their conversation then started revolving around Emily and Charlie and Rose and other neutral topics, till she mentioned Charlie's girlfriend.
"He's sixteen, right?"
"Yeah, he still seems so young and vulnerable."
Faith's expression grew nostalgic and concerned at the same time.
"He's not that young anymore. Nowadays most kids start dating a lot sooner, Faith. You can't stop him from growing up. He's almost a man."
"I know. But you weren't so young when you …"
"Excuse me?" He was left gaping at her.
"Well, you know … You said you were older when you first … did it." Faith started to blush. This conversation was starting to develop in an awkward direction. She kicked herself mentally for mentioning anything in the first place.
"You still remember that, huh?" he grinned. He hadn't seen Faith blushing in a very long time.
Faith lowered her gaze to her coffee trying to hide a smile. It wasn't very likely she would ever forget. She found it so sweet that he was unwilling to talk about his first time especially since he had never had problems sharing with her all his other numerous conquests. That is, his conquests up to the night they had slept together. He had never said anything about his sex life afterwards.
After all the years when neither of them had ever mentioned what had happened between the two of them she suddenly felt an inexplicable need to talk about it despite the fear that she was getting too intimate too soon. She felt as if that night had been the only time she had gotten really close to him. Not just physically but emotionally. That had been the most beautiful moment they had shared but life had never let them savor it fully. She felt like she wanted to revive that feeling again.
"Do you remember your birthday …" she let her voice trail off, not knowing how to ask him whether he remembered them having slept together.
"You mean my 32nd birthday?" he asked with a grin.
"You remember?" Faith was surprised he remembered it so well. She didn't think it was important enough to him to remember it at all.
"Being dumped three times by two women in one night is not exactly an easy thing for a man to forget. That day was quite a blow to my ego."
She smiled. She was glad he could talk about it jokingly because that meant that maybe he had forgiven her for the way she had treated him back then.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly.
"For what?" It was his turn to be surprised.
"For treating you the way I did. I …" Her eyes were brimming with tears and she fought them back. It had taken her days before she could face him without feeling an unstoppable urge to tell him about her feelings. She wanted so desperately to be back in his arms, to feel him close, but she was married and she couldn't lose her family, she couldn't let that happen. She was supposed to be the level-headed one, the responsible adult. Besides, she wasn't even sure how he felt about it. True, he seemed hurt when she said it was a mistake but that was no guarantee he actually had any feelings for her. Maybe it was just a blow to his ego.
"Faith, the situation was complicated. There wasn't much you could do about it. We just can't always control everything, you know that. I wished so much for things to be different too …" he fell silent abruptly, afraid that he had said too much already. He was practically admitting to her that he had wanted her.
He raised his eyes hesitantly until he met her gaze. The look of surprise was clear in her eyes despite the tears.
"You did?" she asked quietly with a voice hoarse from emotion.
He lowered his eyes again. What good it would do admitting now how he had felt then? Not that his feelings had changed the slightest bit but she was so far away now. She had a new life away from him and away from everything they had ever shared.
He felt her fingers on his chin lifting his head to face her. He saw her smiling at him lovingly, he thought. Lovingly? Nah, not Faith.
"Did you really wish things were different, Bos?" she asked again softly, forcing him to face his biggest fear of rejection once again after all those years.
He took a deep breath. Should he tell her? He couldn't be so terribly mistaken about it, could he? No, he was pretty sure he knew what he saw in her eyes. But anyway, would it make any difference now after everything that had happened? It could. Maybe she still had some feelings for him, maybe, just maybe, they could start all over again, Bosco thought. He decided to take that risk, he didn't have much to lose. In fact, he didn't have anything to lose. If he didn't tell her, she would leave. If he did, the worst thing that could happen would be her rejection. In both cases he would be left with a broken heart again. But if she felt something … It was worth a try.
He opened his mouth to speak when a shadow fell over the table between them.
"Hey, Faith, here you are."
Her fingers retreated abruptly from his chin.
"John?" she asked startled, obviously not expecting the man standing beside them.
"Yeah, I asked at the house where you were and they told me I'd find you here."
"Oh, yeah. Right."
After a moment of embarrassed silence she spoke again.
"Oh, John, this is my partner, Bosco. Bosco, this is John Miller, my boss."
"You mean your old partner?" John smiled at her before he extended his hand to Bosco. Bosco shook it with evident reluctance, angry with the man for interrupting their conversation. Miller noticed his reaction and he quickly said, "I won't stay long, I just came to ask you when you'll have time to move my stuff to your apartment?"
A loud crash followed his words when Bosco's cup fell to the floor and shattered in million pieces with coffee splashing over Miller's shoes and pants.
If I had to live my life without you near meThe days would all be empty
The nights would seem so long.
With you I see forever
Oh so clearly.
I might have been in love before
But it never felt this strong.
He was angry with her because she was the reason he felt scared. He didn't know what to do but he knew he had to do something or risk losing her again. The thought that crossed his mind that morning that he had wasted three years because he had been a coward made him realize that he didn't want for that to happen again. He didn't want for another three years or more to pass before he would see her again, especially not if that meant that he would have to see her with Miller or someone else.
It was two days since he had left that diner in a hurry after spilling coffee all over Miller's shoes. He wasn't even able to look Faith in the eyes before he left. He knew she could still read him like a book and he couldn't let her see what he felt at that moment. He was hurt enough without that humiliation.
He felt like he had spent the whole weekend just pacing around his apartment and thinking about what he should do. He felt trapped and betrayed. He was faced with a decision that could make him happier than he had ever been or utterly miserable. But he knew he had to make that decision one way or another.
In the process of trying to determine what her feelings for him were he tried to remember all her gazes, her words and smiles. He felt there was something there in those green eyes, something that made him think telling her about his own feelings would be the right thing to do. But he couldn't just forget about Miller either. They obviously had a strong relationship if he was moving in with her. So why the tears, the smiles, the caresses? He was totally baffled.
"Hell!" he yelled when he, as absent-minded as he was, burned his fingers on the coffee pot for the third time that day.
"Hell!" he repeated it, this time referring to the tormenting thoughts in his head.
Before he even made a sip of his coffee he came to a decision and took his car keys from the counter, only pausing to look at the key chain before he left through the door.
Twenty minutes later he was surprised to find himself standing in front of Faith's building. He couldn't remember one thing from the drive over. He hesitated before he entered the building. He took the stairs to vent some of his anxiety.
The walk down the hall to Faith's apartment took him longer than all the steps to the third floor. But he reached the door eventually.
He didn't know what to say to her or how to say it. He stood motionless for minutes before he raised his hand to knock. But instead of knocking he just leaned his palm to the smooth surface of her door. He couldn't do it. He simply couldn't do it. She was with Miller and he had no right to destroy that for her. It just wasn't meant to be. They weren't destined for each other, he thought, for the first time in his life believing in destiny but only because that was easier than to admit that he was still the same coward he had been years ago.
He lowered his hand to his side and turned back down the hallway.
At that exact moment someone opened the door behind his back and he almost jumped at the sound of it.
He turned to face a very surprised Faith. A sign of destiny?
"Bosco?"
He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out.
"What are you doing here? I mean, why were you turned in that direction when the door is here?"
"I …"
He shoved his hands in his jeans pockets.
"I stopped by to tell you …"
Faith stepped out into the hallway, looking intently at a fidgety Bosco.
"You came to tell me what?" she asked softly almost closing the door behind her.
"I came to tell you that I love you. And then I changed my mind - about telling you not about loving you - and wanted to leave and then you opened the door. You scared the crap out of me. So now you know." Everything came out in a rush and in a hardly intelligible form.
Faith stood in front of him, her eyes wide in disbelief.
"What did you say?" her voice higher than usual.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to … What I meant was … Well, I meant what I said I just didn't want to …" He gave up his futile attempts to form a coherent sentence.
"Can you repeat that again?" she asked carefully trying to convince herself that she had actually heard what she thought she had heard.
"What, that I'm sorry?" Bosco asked with a dumb expression on his face.
Faith couldn't help but smile.
"No, the part before that."
"Oh? Oh!" His face started to brighten but before he managed to say anything a voice asked, "Who is it, Faith?"
A second later Miller came to the door and looked into the hall.
"Oh, Bosco, right?" he said as he remembered the coffee on his shoes.
"Right," Bosco said with a resigned smile on his lips when he lowered his head. It wasn't a sign of destiny after all, he thought.
"What brings you here?"
"Nothing. I just … I was just leaving," he motioned down the hall with his hand.
He glanced at Faith's face. She seemed embarrassed but he couldn't blame her. It was his fault she found herself in this awkward position.
"So, I better go. Take care," he said to Faith and nodded to Miller before he turned and quickly left with a lowered head and slouched shoulders.
You don't have to change a thing
I love you just the way you are.
So come with me and snare the view
I'll help you see forever too.
He was alone again. But even though he realized his feelings for Faith would never be reciprocated he somehow felt lighter. He had told her he loved her. He didn't have to hide it inside any longer and despite the hurt he had experienced when he saw Miller at her apartment he felt better. Now he wasn't tense anymore, he was just sad and lonely. He breathed heavily when a voice coming from behind him startled him. He turned around and faced Faith.
"I've been searching for you everywhere," Faith said as she came nearer.
Bosco didn't answer her.
"I went to your apartment, your mother's place, couple of bars down on your street …"
He was still quiet. He was unsure what to think. He didn't expect her to go searching for him much less for her to remember to search for him at their bridge.
"Are you gonna just stand there quiet?" came an annoyed question. She was feeling all sorts of emotions and she was trying to cover up her confusion with anger even though she knew pissing him off wasn't going to help.
But by the time she asked the question Bosco had already decided that her coming after him was a good sign and he grinned at her, not resenting her harsh question.
"What am I supposed to say? You're the one that came looking for me, so obviously you've got something to say to me."
Faith stopped a few yards away from Bosco. They stood watching each other, trying to guess the other's thoughts.
"Did you mean it? Really mean it?" Faith asked after a minute. She knew Bosco never said anything he didn't mean and he definitely never said 'I love you' to just anyone. But she just needed to hear it again because it felt so nice hearing it from him.
"What would I have to gain by lying to you?" he answered with a question of his own.
"Say it again," she begged softly when she made a few steps closer to him.
"Why? So you can turn me down again?" He was becoming defensive. He couldn't make himself so vulnerable again with repeating the words without knowing how she felt about him. He'd been hurt too many times before when it came to Faith.
Faith stopped in her tracks. It was time for her to make the first step. She knew she could lose Bosco forever if she forced him into something without making him sure he wouldn't get hurt.
She made the remaining two steps and stopped in front of him, smiling. She touched his cheek with her left hand and she felt how he leaned into her palm just slightly, probably thinking she wouldn't notice. Before she spoke he closed his eyes for a brief moment. She didn't know whether he did it to brace himself for what was coming or just to savor her caress on his face.
"Bos … I love you too."
She saw his eyes brighten for the briefest of moments before he grew serious again.
"What about Miller?"
"John and I … we were good together. He's a great man, Bos. But we weren't working the way we should, at least not for a long-term relationship."
"But he just moved in with you … I saw him there." Bosco was confused.
"No, he didn't. He came by this morning because I wanted to talk. I wanted to tell him that I'm not ready for us living together just yet."
Bosco looked at her surprised and waited for her to go on. She did.
"When you came … Well, that changed things considerably. Instead of telling him that I don't want him to move in yet I told him that … well, that it's over. That I love someone else. He took it pretty calmly. I think he has known all along I haven't been as devoted to him as I should've been had I truly loved him."
She waited for him to say something.
"So you do, do you?" Bosco grinned.
"What?"
"Love me, what else?"
She nodded happily when she saw his bright eyes staring at her.
"Are you gonna just stand there or are you gonna do something about it?" she asked faking annoyance.
"You really are bossing everybody around," Bosco commented quietly.
"What's that?"
"Oh, it's just this guy from the second shift, Vinnie. He came to the locker room the other day and he said he had a long day cause he had to run errands for…" He never managed to finish his sentence after Faith claimed his lips. But he didn't mind when he felt her hands cup his face and her mouth slide warmly over his. He pulled her closer and tangled his hands in her hair. She captured his lower lip between her teeth before their tongues joined in a wild dance leaving both of them breathless.
When Bosco finally pulled back he looked her in her smiling eyes. He hugged her, hiding his face in her neck.
"Don't leave me again, please."
She didn't need words to reassure him, she just held him tightly.
10
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